Disclaimer: I don't own any other sandbox besides mine. It's too damn bad really. ~Smiles~ but I do so love play time!
NOTE#1: Thank you all so much for taking the time to read, review, fav and alert! I hope all my FFF's are okay out there with all the crazy weather we've been having! We had a lightening strike across the road last night and no power for most of the town for about 6 hours… but hey that's better than 2 weeks no power because of ice, right? Record amounts of rain… just last night we had 4 inches. My yard is REALLY green and growing like crazy… I'm going to post this chapter and then later answer my reviews... (I'm sorry... it's seems to be happening alot lately) I WILL answer them and I still love and appreciate the time taken to do them! Well, enough of my rattling… here comes "The Talk"…
Chapter 29
After Bobby got Sammy settled on the bed next to Dean he cleared his throat and when both boys were looking at him he informed them sternly, "I'm going to go down and get some coffee and you both better be right here when I get back."
Dean smiled at his dad. It was so like him to give them the one on one time so they wouldn't get embarrassed with what they said to each other by having their dad listen in.
Sammy blinked then glanced down ashamed, it was his fault they were both so worried.
Bobby placed his hand on Sammy's shoulder and gave it a slight squeeze as his tone gentled, "Just stay put okay?"
Dean continued to watch his family as he thought, Come hell or high water once Sammy promised his dad he would be sitting in the same spot when their dad strolled back in.
Sammy nodded as he mumbled while still staring at his toes, "I promise."
Bobby patted his shoulder once then let his hand drop as his gaze moved to Dean.
Dean rolled his eyes as his reminded his dad, "I couldn't even if I wanted to."
Sammy's gaze jerked from his toes to his brother's face. As he studied the pale features he knew as well as his own he cleared his throat nervously.
Bobby slipped quietly from the room. He needed coffee but he needed also to update John.
Dean watched him quietly for several seconds before he ordered, "Start talking."
Sammy frowned, his hand moving to the blanket to pluck at the seam as he asked, "About what?"
"Whatever is going on in that freaky head of yours." Dean stated as he watched his little brother's every movement.
Sammy cleared his throat again before he mumbled, "I'm sorry."
Dean frowned before he asked, "Just what exactly are you apologizing for?"
Sammy ran a hand through his hair making it stand on end but said nothing else.
After a few seconds Dean sighed in frustration before he snapped, "Are you actually sorry for anything or are you just saying what you think I want to hear?"
Sammy glowered up at him before he said, "I'm sorry for a lot of things." Glancing at his brother he asked, "What happened to… why are you worse again?"
"Do you really need to ask?" Dean asked the surprise evident in his whole bearing.
Sammy nodded silently.
"I had to carry my idiot little brother out of the basement of this…" He looked around before he continued sarcastically, "Fine establishment."
"Why?" He asked his face void of any expression.
Dean covered his mouth with his hand before rubbing it roughly back and forth a couple of times before he growled, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"D… I remember you being in the basement with me and then nothing." Sammy said. He was shocked at how it had come out so much more a whine than he'd intended.
Dean softened his tone as he told him, "Sammy, I've been pretty messed up recently but even when he…" He stopped, took a breath as he blinked back tears, "When you were taken… I was just as scared as I was pissed…"
Sammy started to shake his head and opened his mouth only to snap it shut again when Dean held up his hand to silence him.
"I was mad at him… never you." He looked at Sammy and reached out a hand to grab Sam's upper arm, "But the basement thing. It's a major should never."
Sammy looked down ashamed.
"You scared the shit out of me, man." Dean admitted. "Sammy. I don't want you to ever think that anything that's happened changes anything between us." His grip tightened as he waited for Sammy to look up.
"I'm sorry. I wasn't… I didn't mean…" Sam stopped because he couldn't seem to say what he wanted. What was in his head didn't seem to want to come out his mouth. He needed to move forward to something he could talk about, his lower lip trembled as he murmured, "It changes everything."
"Samuel Robert Singer." Dean snapped as he gave his arm a major squeeze and jerked his brother up close to him. Startled hazel eyes gazed at him, slightly bewildered as he waited for what would come next. "Do I have your attention?" He waited for a yes nod from his little brother before he began, "Whatever you did to survive is just that. Survival. It doesn't define you. It doesn't make you who you are. Don't you get that?"
A no shake of the head had Dean sighing and he began again, "You have spent the last 15 years growing as a person… an individual. So you really think 2 weeks is that much of a defining moment in your life that it forever burns away all those years of the shaping of you?"
Sammy shrugged, but still said nothing.
"Well, I don't." Dean stated firmly before he added, "It doesn't erase the years Dad and I raised you, does it?" he demanded an answer.
At Sam's blank stare, Dean sighed and said, "Have you forgot the months of reading the 'Little Bear' stories to you over and over because you didn't want to hear any other stories? Or the hours of playing soccer out by the pond?"
A slight shake of his head as he whispered, "I remember but what does that have to do with..."
"I mean…" Dean started to clarify.
Sammy whispered seemingly out of the blue, "When the monster comes out to play there will be hell to pay."
"What?" Dean asked loosing his train of thought.
"He said I am the monster, just like him." Sammy whispered softly.
"Awh, Sammy." Dean pulled Sammy into his arms as held him even though he lay stiff and unresponsive. "You know it's not true."
Sammy said nothing, because no he didn't know it wasn't true. Not anymore. Not after everything that had happened. Everything he'd done.
"Sammy. You are not a monster. A pain in my ass maybe…" Dean gave a small smile that Sammy couldn't see before he added, "But never a monster."
"Dean you can't say that. You don't know." Sam whispered.
"Then tell me. Sammy… how can I fix this if you won't trust me?" He asked with a sigh onto the top of Sam's head.
Sam stiffened and made to sit up only to be held in place by Dean. "You don't trust me or you would have told me that you aren't sleeping because of nightmares… hell you would have told me about them."
"D… I didn't want you to know…" He sighed as he pulled up his sleeve and pointed to a scabbed over cut on his wrist. "What good does it for you to know that this was the first cut or that this…" He pointed at his cheek and said, "That this was the last one."
Tears sprang into his eyes as he told his little brother, "Because if it helps you get through it I will hear it... I need to know so I can help you through this." Dean rubbed a hand over his mouth before he said in a low voice, "Why…"
"I just wanted to sleep D." He pulled away and then stood. He half sobbed before he turned away and whispered, "He was right, ya know."
"About what, Sammy?" Dean whispered hoarsely.
A sob escaped as he cradled his stomach with his hands and after several minutes he spoke quietly, "I was weak… I couldn't take it."
"Sammy?" Dean said softly as he reached out and after a few seconds he let his hand drop. He couldn't stop the grunt of pain that escaped as he tried to sit up.
Sammy spun around and lunged at him as he grabbed his arms and pushed him back, he snapped, "Don't you dare."
"Sammy, don't you get it?" Dean said wearily, "You are worth it to me… then, now, tomorrow… bitch always."
Sammy blinked back tears before he collapsed onto to his brother's chest and sobbed.
Dean instantly wrapped his arms around him as he whispered, "I gotcha little brother. I gotcha."
After several minutes of crying it faded into hiccups and sniffles. Sam whispered betweens hiccups, "I knew you'd come."
"When?" Dean asked softly.
"When I needed you." Sammy said simply.
"I tried Sam. I really did… I'm so sorry." Dean whispered into the top of Sammy's head even as a sob escaped.
"Don't do that." Sammy demanded sitting up.
"Don't what?" Dean asked surprised.
"Don't blame yourself for this." Sammy ordered firmly.
"How can I not, little brother? How can you not? I dropped the ball and you got hurt because…" Dean said heatedly, angry with himself at his self perceived failure.
"Shut up." Sam snapped, sitting up straighter and glaring at Dean.
"What?" Dean asked, shocked and giving him a You're telling me to shut up? Look.
"Shut up. You are the reason I survived. Knowing you were coming. I knew it… without any doubt and I told him you'd be pissed. If I remember right… you were." Sam said with a tiny smile.
Dean smiled back and said slowly, "So, I'm sorry and you're sorry. I blame me and you blame you… oh, and Dad blames himself… so, how about we blame the one who is really responsible?"
Sam raised an eyebrow but said nothing.
"The demon that John finally ended." Dean said firmly. He knew that John blamed himself as well, but Sammy wasn't ready for that yet. "Let take it slow right now."
"Take what slow?" Sam asked with a glance to the door.
"Everything. Let's just be brothers right now and the hell with everything else." Dean told him with a grin and tug on Sam's bangs. "Dude, you need a haircut."
Another eyebrow raise and he smirked, "You should talk, Shaggy."
"Bitch." Dean said his grin lighting up his face.
Sam chuckled as he responded automatically, "Jerk."
TBC
