~29th crack pairing: Mordecai and Muscle Man~

Slam! Slam!

Both doors were slammed, and Mordecai and Muscle Man angrily walked out of the doors they came from, angrily mumbling to themselves. All of a sudden, they roughly bumped into each other.

"Watch it!" They said simultaneously. They were about to insult each other, but stopped.

"What's wrong with you?" Mordecai asked, still keeping the frown on his face.

"What's wrong with me, bro? What's wrong with you?"

"Bro problems, you?"

"Bro problems, too."

They both angrily groaned. They paused for a moment until Mordecai spoke up.

"Wanna hit the arcade?"

"Nah, I'm starving, let's go to El Paco Taco." They started to leave. "They got all you can eat bean burritos."

Soon, the two sat at the taco bar, eating their problems away.

Well, Muscle Man was, for the most part..

"Hey guy, hurry up!" He told the guy behind the counter. "My stomach's craving more 'ritos!"

While he shoved countless burritos down his throat, Mordecai ate 3 tacos with a side of rice and nachos, causing Muscle Man to give him an ugly glance.

Mordecai finished chewing and looked up at him. "What?"

"No wonder you have bro problems! You eat like a chick!"

"What do my eating habits have to do with anything?"

Muscle Man crossed his arms. "They have to do with everything! Me and Fives always do the all you can eat special, and we have awesome eating contests!"

"So if that's true, how come you're having bro problems?"

His smile turned upside down. "...I was winning this video game we were playing and Fives thought I was cheating, and then we started fighting. It became pretty brutal."

"Whoa, no way," Mordecai replied with interest. "That's kinda why me and Rigby were fighting, except I thought he was cheating.."

"Whatever, those guys are lame-o's anyway," Muscle Man said. "If they wanna think we're total losers, then that's fine, who needs 'em?"

"I know! We totally deserve more respect than we're already given. We'd be way better off if they didn't exist!"

"I agree with you boys..."

The two looked around as if they'd heard a car crash.

"Who said that?" Muscle Man said with a little fear.

"Oh no one," The man turned his bar stool to face them. "Just a guy who found out he was too good for his unappreciative best friend."

The two gave the mysterious man an awkward look.

"Yeah, I know," He continued. "You're probably thinking I'm crazy, right? A peanut butter sandwich is nothing without marshmallow sauce, right? The truth is.." He took his cap off, revealing his questionable face. "I'm a lot better off without that little pest telling me what to do, ruining my life and getting in the way of my aspirations..."

Mordecai had an eyebrow raised. "What's your point, dude?"

"My point? My point? Well, lemme ask you guys something, you guys are mad at your best friends, right?"

"Heck yeah I am!" Muscle Man angrily said. "He's a total jerkface that needs to quit ruining my life with his jerkiness!"

"Yeah, same for me!" Mordecai nodded. "My friend's always blaming stuff on me and holding me back! And he's always the reason I get into trouble at work!"

The man nodded. "Yeah! And you wish they could go away, right?"

"Yeah!" They yelled together.

"You two are in luck, then. I can help."

They gave him suspicious eyes.

"What do you mean you can help us?" Muscle Man said quietly. The man chuckled.

"I've got a six-figure job, a house on the beach, a ride with a built-in fridge and more ladies than a womens' restroom. Why? Because I was able to get rid of that best leech friend of mine easily."

Muscle Man was in a daze, probably picturing himself having everything this man supposedly had, and more. Mordecai was simply curious.

"How did you get rid of him that easily? You're acting like you threw away a piece of garbage."

"It was that simple, because I used THIS." He reached out his hand from his long sleeve, which glowed in many vibrant colors, as if it were some sort of magic item.

"Whoa man!" Muscle Man beamed. "It looks like a chameleon barfed on your hand!"

"You probably think this is easier said than done, but hey, I was able to get rid of that weasel friend of mine within a matter of seconds, I can do the same for you guys." He began to study his hand.

"Hold on, this all sounds WAY too good to be true," Mordecai said. "Why would you wanna help us for free?"

"Yeah, bro, what's the catch?" Muscle Man replied.

"No catch, just a dude helping other dudes. Kinda like donating to charity but more awesome." He looked at his hand. "I can even see your friends here, take a look."

He held his palm out in front of the two. It looked like his hand was a TV screen, showing video of Rigby and HFG doing random things. Mordecai and Muscle Man were simply in awe.

"Pretty awesome, right?" The man smirked. "All I gotta do is mess with my hand a little bit and your friends'll be gone in a jiffy."

"Woo!" Muscle Man said, still in awe. "I want a hand like that!"

Mordecai rubbed the back of his neck. "Wait, if you do that, what happens to Fives and Rigby?"

"They die." The man shrugged. "But who cares, right? You said your world would be a better place without that stupid friend of yours holding you back."

"But I don't want him to die!"

He pointed to Muscle Man. "What about you? Would you rather be friends with some stupid, overly-dependant ghost or have all that you dreamed about and more?"

"I-I don't know.." Muscle Man started to sweat a little, somewhat grinning. "Mordecai, this sounds so awesome, right? We could be millionaires and have our own hot dog stands..."

"What? Dude! He wants to kill our best friends!"

"But what if they ARE holding us back, bro?"

Mordecai glared at him. "Holding you back from what?"

"Everything." The man interrupted. "Maybe he wants to-"

"I was talking to him." Mordecai coldly replied, then looked back at Muscle Man. "C'mon, man, look at this deadbeat loser." He motioned to the man.

He continued to talk to Muscle Man. "Yeah, he might have tons of money and houses and stuff we might not ever get, but look at what it did to him, dude!"

"It.." Muscle Man continued to sweat. "It made him happy?"

"It made him pathetic, worthless, a total d-bag. He killed his own best friend, the dude he had a bond with, the dude he had eating contests with, the dude that loved to kick his butt at video games.." He started to think of Rigby. "The dude he thought he could never live without..."

He squinted his eyes with anger. "He took his life, just so he could have more money for stuff, and all he can say about him is that he was a terrible friend because he was holding him back from the superficial life. You can't get any more disgusting than that."

Muscle Man had a tear in his eye, realizing that this man's friend might have been like his own best friend. Then he imagined if HFG wasn't there beside him anymore...

Man, what was I thinking! I could never live without my bro!

The man chuckled. "Good job, man, you insulted me pretty harshly, but I think you left out something.."

Mordecai looked a bit fearsome. "W-what?"

The man evilly smiled and held up his hand. "I have control over your best friends' lives!"

"LEAVE OUR FRIENDS ALONE!" Muscle Man yelled as he tackled the man to the ground, causing the El Paco Taco employees to watch in awe.

Muscle Man held down the man while Mordecai stood above him.

"If you hurt our friends-"

"You guys are the REAL losers!" The man cried. "You think having a best friend is better than anything, don't ya? DON'T YA?"

"We sure do, bro!" Muscle Man said as he punched him in the face.

"AAAAAAGH, THAT'S IT!" The man yelled as he grew about 5 feet taller, growing about 2 heads taller than Mordecai. "Not only am I gonna end your friends' lives, I'm gonna end ALL of your lives! ALL OF THEM! HAHAHAHAHA OW!"

Muscle Man had thrown a burrito at the man. "Hahaha! All you can eat, baby!"

The man rubbed his face. "What the heck, man, you kinda hurt me! Agh, stupid burrito.."

All of a sudden, Muscle Man whispered something into Mordecai's ear. They nodded to each other and Mordecai went to tell the employees the secret plan.

Muscle Man looked up to the man. "Look bro, I kinda thought about it, and...Mordecai was totally wrong for insulting you like that."

The man raised an eyebrow. "Oh really?"

"Yeah.." He looked and saw that Mordecai and the employees were secretly working together so the crazy man wouldn't see him. "He probably doesn't want all of the money and stuff.."

The man quickly raised his hand. "Oh, so you'd like to see him gone, am I right?"

"Well, I dunno I-"

"Hey jerkface!" The man looked down to see Mordecai standing in front of something.

He angrily raised his eyebrows. "Huh? What the heck is going on here?"

"Oh nothing.."

Muscle Man walked over to Mordecai and looked up at the man. "Hey, bro, I thought I could do you a favor and get you some food to ease your anger and stuff."

He somewhat smiled. "Uh okay, that sounds good..."

"And you know who else likes to eat food to ease her anger?"

"Who?"

Muscle Man grinned. "MY MOM!" He and Mordecai stepped aside as the cannon shot dozens of bean burritos at the man, who seemed to feel pain from them.

"NOOO!" As the burritos continued to blast the man uncontrollably, they seemed to be burning the man's skin, causing him to shrink and shrink while screaming at the same time. He continued to shrink and shrink until he became nothing but a pile of dust. After all of that, he still had eyes and a mouth.

"You're all gonna regret this one day, REGRET IT!"

"Regret this!" Muscle Man and Mordecai said simultaneously as they turned on a vacuum so it would suck up the yelling pile of dust. The restaurant's inhabitants cheered for a bit until they all went back to their own lives.

Muscle Man rubbed the back of his neck, looking sad. "Sorry for almost falling for that guy's trick. I almost cost Fives AND Rigby their lives!"

Mordecai smiled. "It's okay, Muscle Man. Everyone wants money, it's natural. It's just wrong to replace your best friend with it."

"Amen to that, bro! Let's toast!" They each grabbed a burrito and held it up to the other.

"To bros," Mordecai started.

"To bros, bro!"

"Yeah!" They said as they cheered and ate their burritos.

"Maybe we should go back home," Mordecai stated, somewhat emotionless. "They're probably missing us like crazy by now."

Muscle Man chuckled. "Let 'em cry then. We still got stuff to do!"

"Like what?"

Muscle Man smiled. "We can go to the arcade and beat some high scores! Well, only if you want to...bro."

Mordecai smiled. "Sure, bro, let's go."