An: This is long overdue I know and I don't feel super great about it but here it is.
I'm making my way to Angela's house. My hands are trembling on the steering wheel. My chest is on fire and I know that what he's feeling is worse. It's always been more intense for him. I pull over 2 blocks from her apartment because my tears are making it impossible to see. I tune off the engine pulling out my phone. I'm so tempted to call Paul and just let this slide. But that's not healthy, at this point in our relationship things like this they shouldn't hurt so intensely. I don't care that his partner right now is a woman. I trust Paul he would never touch her, never think of her like that.
Why can't he trust me after 3 years of fucking love? Have I ever given him reason not to? Before I can answer those questions I called Angela.
"Hey Bella!" She sounded happy to hear from me. Thank all the goodness in the world for Angela's existence.
"Ang Paul and l..." I could finish because was cry. My chest my heaving. I felt dizzy. I took a deep breath calming myself.
"Where are you?" She said immediately not asking anymore questions.
"That bagel place... 2 blocks away from you house." I manage to get out though my tears and sobs.
"Ok honey, I'll be there soon." The line went dead. I was alone again.
Ppov
Alone. So alone. She left me. She's gone. I can't breathe. Tears are streaming down my face. Every muscles in my body is tense. I spin around pulling my fist back and I destroy our... my wall. Oh god. No.
She let me fuck her and then she got up, she just left. I know that the things I do to her they're wrong but I just can't seem to stop myself. Every time I hurt her I get this splitting headache and my heart feels like someone took a knife and slid it straight threw it.
That is nothing compared to what I'm feeling right now. Just pain in every molecule of my body. I'm dying psychically and mentally. What am I going to do? The very idea of letting her doing this is beyond excruciating.
Winning her back or die trying seems to be my only option. I start feeling nausea. I settle on front of the kitchen counter. I spilled the contents of my stomach into the trash.
I need to make this better. I can't live like this. I'm not sure how but I have to get her back. But first where did she go? Who would she go to? The only person that came to mind was Angela. She lived close. I'll have to go and see her tomorrow. Give her tonight to cool off. Just tonight. I make my way into our bedroom, I curl up, squeezing a pillow of hers sobs wracking through me. I fell into restless sleep after laying awake for hours just thinking about her and being in extreme pain.
BPOV
I wake up the next morning in the guest room of Angela and Bens place I hear voices.
"She doesn't want to see you. She says she broke up with you." Ben yells and I know it's Paul at the door mostly because my ache to be around him has lessened. I stood pulling my hair into a ponytail readying myself to dealing the thunderstorm that is my boyfriend...ex boyfriend.
"I understand that but I just need to speak to her. Please?" He sounded sad, really sad and it was a stabbing pain in my stomach. I make my way toward the door. I know he won't leave if I don't speak to him myself. When they see Pauls expression change they know I've entered the room. Angela gives me a questioning look. I shake my head. I don't need her help. I can talk to him...I think.
"Bella," He says my name as a man who hasn't seen sunlight in years would. A prayer or an answered one.
"Paul." I sound curt, unlike myself but this is the way that it needs to be. "Thanks Ang, Ben I've got this." They nod and leave the room hesitantly. I walk toward the door. As I move closer the whole in my chest closes slowly. When we are face to face it's sealed. It would be really easy to pull his face to mine and let him have me on the floor but no.
"Bella, goddamn it say something!" He growls after 5 minutes of unending staring. There is nothing to say. It's over. I told him that. But of course it's not really over. It could never be over with him. I just ...I need space..so that we can get through this together. This is only way he'll communicate with me. Take away access to me. We need to work this out and talk not fuck and if I don't take that space then that's what we'll end up doing.
"No." I said simply.
"Well then I'll say something. I miss you already. Last night was the worst night of my life. I couldn't sleep without you in my bed. I feel like I'm dying. Are you trying to destroy me?" He hands in his hair and he looks like he's going to pull it out.
"No, I need space."
"I can't handle space." He hands are on my hips pulling me flush to him. He was too fast for me to prevent it. My heart accelerates, too close, no I can't give in. "I thought we established that a long time ago Bella." Take control Bella. Take it back, let him know you mean business.
"I don't care what you may or may not be able to handle."I squeak out trying to pull away but his grip on me is too tight. God damn this man. Let me go you bastard. I push on his chest but he doesn't seem to notice.
"Bella, please...I love you more than anything in this world. Please don't do this to us… to me.."He's shaking but I know it's not out of anger, sadness. This is for you our future Paul.
"Paul, we need this because I don't think that we can live the rest of our lives the way it's going right now. I just think we need space, to think about what we want, or I do atleast, to think about how we are together. Because this fighting and fucking is not making me feel good. It doesn't resolve problems. If we had sex right now, which if I took you back we would, it doesn't solve anything. I think maybe we could see a therapist or something because this isn't working for me." I sigh as I finish my speech.
"I will do whatever it takes, just come back to me." I could hear the emotion in his voice but I was too short to see his face.
"I think I'm going to stay with Angela and then when we get the therapy going and I see a change….we'll see." I don't want to be like this. I want to go home with him. I want to take him back but the therapy won't happen if I go home with him right now. He'll convince me we don't need it, that we're perfect together. But we can't solve problems like this. When we have kids and we disagree on something, sex won't be the solution. Talking is and we never talk. I just want us to...last. The way we are going, it's not going to last. Sex is not getting to the root of the problem it's a distraction. And when all the distractions fall away what 'do we have left but a dysfunctional relationship where we don't communicate.
"So what? I'm supposed to leave here and wait for you to tell me where to meet for fucking therapy Bella? Are you fucking kidding me?" He's angry. Why is he always angry? Why can't he calm the fuck down for an hour? Take a deep fucking breath. Take it down like a million notches.
"Yeah, pretty much." I sigh. I'm so done with his shit right now. I love him but just...ugh.
"Okay." His hands leave my hips and his jaw relaxed. I swear to god this man and his temper. He's gonna give me a complex. "I love you and if you need anything, doesn't matter what, call, text, whatever. I'll always be here for you." And here is the man I love more than anything in this world. The man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. And if Paul would calm the fuck down for a few minutes a day I would get to see him more often.
"Okay Paul I will." I feel the corners of my mouth turn up at his previous worlds. He reaches out and his hand was on my cheek. He doesn't have those I-want-to-take-you-eyes, they now say I-want-to-make-love-to-you and it's even more intoxicating. I take a deep breath lifting my hand, gently taking his off my face. I close the door turning on it and leaning against it. Encounter with Paul #2 went better than I expected. I didn't let him fuck me in the hallway. I knew the therapist I was going to call. Now I just need not to let him fuck me till them. Well hello right hand we will be having some fun over the next few weeks or days depending on how long this takes.
Because no matter how much I say I let him fuck me. I love to be fucked, let's be honest here. I'm gonna miss him coming home after a long day at the staying and having his way with me against the door. God I already miss him. He's still here. My chest doesn't hurt.
"Are you think about me?" He groans from the other side of the door. Oh his husky voice. "I'm always thinking about you Bella. I want you but I'll let you have this, I give you what you want. And when this is all over, I'm gonna fuck you till you can't see straight or move any of your limbs. That you're so exhausted you can't even think." Oh fuck. And then he's gone and the whole is back. Angela comes out of wherever she was.
"Holy fuck Bella. Is it always like that between you?" Her eyes are wide. I guess from the outside we look like a normal couple. Maybe even the perfect couple. We never really fight in public and private fights always turn into sex. God I miss sex already.
"Yes." I sigh. I lift myself off the ground. It's 9 and I need to make my way to my first class. I walk toward my room grabbing some clothes. Jeans and a t-shirt as alway. I take a shower. The rest of the day is a blur. As my last class comes to an end. I pull out my phone and call the therapist setting up an appointment for tomorrow. She and I had been good friends and she said she had a cancellation. She knew Paul and I said she wanted to help up. I text Paul the time and he responded with a curt 'I'll be there.'
An: So I'm sorry this is super late. I hope you liked it.
