Ah, Reylo, I can't quit you! I swore to myself that I wouldn't write a new Reylo fic until I finished my half-done fic Darker. I told myself that I would take my time and think a good Reylo story through. Yeah, that didn't work out. Days after I saw TLJ, I began banging this story out with only a vague sense of where it was headed and why. It was typical me.

I recently heard Strauss' opera Elektra twice (Christine Goerke was singing and she is my husband's opera crush). Anyhow, Strauss has never been my thing. I hear it and always have the same two reactions: 1) that was nice, but it would have been better if Wagner wrote it and 2) that orchestration could use some editing. I sort of feel that way about my fics. There are other authors who could write this so much better. And I could definitely use more editing Editing just requires a lot of time and patience that I lack. If I had the discipline to write the whole story and then go back and pare it down, my stuff would be much more concise and elegant. Instead, I write the Strauss version of Reylo fics. Overblown and grandiose melodrama. Sorry about that. I was a dinner party recently with Christine Goerke and she made the comment that 'I sing characters, not plots.' I think that's a fair summation of how I write. I write characters—their motivations and conflicts—and the plot sort of follows from there.

I have written a LOT of Reylo. Each time, many of the details, the background history and motivations, and the secondary characters are the same. But the lovers are not. The circumstances of the Reylo relationship and aspects of the characters are changed. It's sort of different versions of the same tale, if you will. The plots have similarities and differences too. Well, TLJ elaborated a great deal on Reylo and it caused me to rethink a few things I have written in the past. I was instantly ready to write some more! I can be impulsive like that.

Kylo Ren

I always saw Kylo being much Darker than many fans did after TFA. TLJ shows us a Kylo who starts Dark (but conflicted, as always) and ends Darker. I think that surprised a lot of fans. I have my own issues with TLJ, but I have to say that I called this one in advance. JJ Abrams had a quote years ago about us seeing the rise of a great villain in this trilogy and so I knew Kylo would grow in power and status in TLJ. It heightens the stakes and the consequences if he has a redemption arc. It also makes sense because Kylo has presumably already turned down attempts from Luke, Leia, and Han Solo to come back to the Light. Naturally, Kylo would spurn the attempt by Rey—an intriguing woman and would-be rival who he barely knows.

So . . . after seeing TLJ, what did I get right about the character of Kylo in my fics? How truly dark he is. Conflicted, yes. But dark, calculating, and ambitious. A lot of people grumbled that Kylo was a loser wannabe Vader in TFA. Well, in TLJ we see that Kylo Ren is the real deal. A master killing, galaxy conquering Dark Skywalker if there ever was one. All hail angry, sad Darth Ren! My weary, depressed Kylo of His Padawan still kind of works. The driven zealot Kylo of Ghosts of the Past still works. So does the clever, rebellious Kylo of Immune to the Light. I can even see Kylo evolving into the truly harsh, violent psychopath of Fulcrum given enough time. And, I called it in Ghosts of the Past that Kylo would offer Rey the chance to join him and rule the galaxy. And . . . spoiler alert! . . . that Rey would turn him down.

What did I get wrong? Kylo is far lonelier and more damaged than I envisioned. He has a hurt puppy look to him when Snoke makes him take off his mask. This is not the swaggering, sarcastic Kylo of Fulcrum who has lots of experience with sex but no experience with love. This is not a man who is angling to get Rey in bed. More than anything, this Kylo wants a friend who he can care about. And that's why things progress very slowly between my lovers in this fic. Welcome to Kylo the virgin who is as inexperienced in love and sex as Rey. In this too, they are equals. Is this a big deal? I don't think so. Everyone has to start somewhere and the measure of a man is not his expertise in bed. Plus, I kind of like the idea that our lovers are chaste unto one another.

In some ways, I like writing Kylo as a man less motivated by sex. Darth Malgus of Darker is something like this. Malgus is about fifteen years Kylo's senior and he's had his share of women and has sort of moved beyond that sort of thing. Malgus is far more interested in power than sex at this stage in his life. Kylo is a bit like that too. He hasn't had many opportunities with women and he hasn't bothered to seek them out. And then Rey comes along unexpectedly and changes everything.

What else did I get wrong? Kylo Ren is not funny. He can be snippy and sarcastic, but he's not quick with the one-liners like my versions of Kylo have been in the past. Kylo of TLJ is just too intense for that. He also lacks the bravado and the people skills to be truly humorous. Instead, Snoke is the droll figure in TLJ. I can absolutely see old Snoke spouting quips from his throne at hapless Hux and other underlings. I see Kylo as the earnest, striving bad guy in TLJ and Snoke as the sophisticated, worldly wise bad guy.

I also wrote this Kylo as a man who feels driven to what he's become. He's not proud of everything he's done and he might have done a few things differently in retrospect. But that doesn't mean Kylo hates who he is or what he has done. I'll be honest—I never saw TLJ to show Kylo Ren having a crisis of conscience. I never saw a moment in the throne room scene or the elevator scene when Kylo was ever tempted to turn to the Light. I saw a man who was intrigued and surprised by Rey's vehement overture (remember, it's not been too long since she was shooting at him in their first Force Time chat). He saw an opportunity and he took it. And that opportunity was for freedom from Snoke, for power as Supreme Leader, and for love with the mysterious and intriguing Rey. My Kylo doesn't see turning to the Light as a permanent solution. If anything, it might cause more problems down the line. Because yet again, Kylo would be trying to be something he's not. Remember—Ben Solo already tried and failed as a Jedi, and he's not looking to go back. He's a Chosen One destined to be grey.

And that brings me to the story theme motivated by TLJ: figuring out who you are supposed to be and who you want to be. Part One shows Rey lost and confused while Kylo keeps making his case. In the end of Part One, Rey chooses a future with Kylo and leaves the Resistance. Part Two shows Rey trying to follow Kylo's lead and letting him maneuver her into things even as she questions them. She commits her heart to Kylo, but she can't quite commit her loyalty to his cause. But she tries. When she sees firsthand the violence she normally glosses over, Rey has a crisis of conscience and leaves.

Kylo spends the beginning of the story sort of floundering too. Committed to his ideas but uncertain if he can achieve his goals. He's looking to Rey for help. As their personal relationship deepens and Rey is enlisted to his cause, it gives Kylo more confidence to assert himself as Supreme Leader. He starts taking charge in a big way, even doing things that will shock and anger his base of support. In short, Kylo has a big impact on Rey, opening her eyes to all the ways in which the Dark versus Light conflict is a cycle they need to break out of for the sake of everyone. In return, Rey has a big impact on Kylo as his voice of conscience and an advocate for peace. They each push each other out of their comfort zone ideologically even as they become each other's comfort zone physically and emotionally.

I have always been interested in the tipping point when a character switches sides. In SW, when a character—especially a Force-user—switches sides, there is major fallout. What's fun about writing this fic is that Kylo keeps trying to argue that there are no sides anymore. Kylo lives in a post-modern, post-moral worldview where God is dead and we have killed him. The old Jedi and Sith dichotomy is gone. There are no more allegiances that matter. But where does that leave things? Kylo and Rey keep stumbling blindly trying to find out.

This Kylo is a romantic dreamer, like his character in Ghosts of the Past. He is also a big mama's boy just like Anakin. I am very sorry that Carrie Fisher has passed and will not be in Ep 9. I would have loved to see an on-screen reunion of mother and son.

Mother-son drama will be a big part of this fic. That's a bit of a departure for me since Ghosts of the Past was all about father son conflicts. Growing up, both my brothers had tense relationships with our dad and some of the father/son exchanges (esp the conversation between Hux Sr and Rey in Ghosts Chapter 27 "Now there is a son to be proud of . . . the Sith know how to raise a real man") could have come straight from my family.

I am a mother to little boys, so I have long wanted to explore the Leia-Kylo dynamic. I dabbled in this relationship in Fulcrum (See Chapter 31 the aftermath of Kylo killing Leia when Kylo hits rock bottom) and in Immune to the Light (See the rather ridiculous Skywalker throw down in which Snoke has to cajole Leia into saving her son that begins in Chapter 27). Those attempts were rather cursory, with the estranged mother and son at loggerheads. What I wrote was mostly a lot of anger and resentment. It was a very one-dimensional portrayal of the relationship.

This story attempts to paint a much more nuanced view of the Kylo-Leia relationship. Yes, Kylo is angry at his mother and they have very real political differences, but mostly this is a Kylo who feels rejected and hurt. He loves his mother and wants his mother to be something she will never be: approving, supportive, loving and accepting of him. The broken relationship between Kylo and Leia is more a source of pain and sadness for Kylo than it is a source of anger. For this Dark prince is sad. All of the promotional material for TLJ hammered that home time and again. Kylo is far less conflicted than he is sad in my opinion. Almost resigned because—as mentioned earlier, Kylo is a man who feels driven to what he's become. Ironically, he hasn't had many choices in his life through the years. That's why the decision to kill his Master is so meaningful. It's also why Kylo takes some time to hit his stride as Supreme Leader. Kylo's mommy issues keep rearing their head in the Kylo-Rey relationship. They are about to become major now that Leia Organa is back in this fic at the end of Part Two.

For those of you who think that the estrangement between mother and son in this story is too harsh, I was motivated by TLJ scene between Luke and Leia. At first, I was sort of surprised that in TLJ Leia tells Luke that she knows her son is gone. It is a jarring moment for a woman who spends the whole movie talking about hope for a lost cause. Leia has hope for everything it seems but her own flesh and blood. It was at once a completely honest, realistic moment and also out of character. I loved it. Leia's love is not unconditional, and I think that is both understandable and shocking too. The whole "hate the crime, not the person" concept isn't how Leia comes to see her son. Having Luke agree with Leia is even more shocking since Luke found good in Darth Vader, but he too seems to think that Kylo is lost (or at least, unwilling yet to change). Of course, the real problem is that the solution (turning to the Light) that everyone is posing to Kylo is not what he wants. He has rejected that worldview. Mark my words, in Episode 9 don't be surprised if Kylo Ren redeems himself by finding a separate path.

There are the readers who seem to want a pining Kylo in a one-sided creepy, obsession with Rey. Frankly, that doesn't do Kylo's character justice. He is far more complicated than that, as shown beautifully in TLJ when he declines to kill his mother. I write the Dark Side and I do so for a reason: because all the hope and compassion talk of the Light is sanctimonious bullshit if the Light can't have empathy for those in Darkness. Readers who want to see a chiding, morally superior Rey who keeps rebuffing the undeserving Kylo will not like my writing. Because I like to see the Light in Dark characters and the Dark in Light characters. And, importantly, Kylo Ren doesn't want to earn Rey's love.

Rey

After repeated viewings, there are a lot of things that I don't like about TLJ. But the thing that bothers me most is the character of Rey. I feel like TLJ missed an opportunity to deepen and strengthen her character beyond being an idealistic Mary Sue. And when desert dweller Rey falls into water and swims her way out without panicking, I was downright annoyed. Can we please show Rey not instantly good at something? TLJ focuses on Rey's grief over her family, and who knows if Kylo is lying to her or not. But I want Rey to have a motivation of her own other than just the past. She is a rootless girl looking to fit in and yet she seems to have no social issues hanging with the Resistance crowd. Where is the awkward loner who gets flustered when confronted with all that sexy Poe Dameron charm? Where is the aftermath of that throne room scene when Rey questions what she did and why she did it? We don't see any of that. Seriously, there is precious little introspection or doubt in Rey's character. We just see Rey swooping in piloting the Falcon and saving the day with the Force. I get it—she's a hero doing heroic deeds. But she seems to very easily shrug off the disappointment and crisis of the confrontation with Kylo and Snoke. At the end, she seems cool with Luke too even though we last saw her yelling and beating that old guy with a stick.

That moment in particular—when Rey instantly turns on Luke and resorts to violence when she confronts him about Kylo—just screamed "plot device" to me for Rey's character. She goes from wanting answers to an attempted beat down of Luke fricking Skywalker in two seconds flat. Really? I get it that Rey has a Dark streak and that she's from a violent world and Luke has really frustrated her with his lack of training. But I found this fight out of character. It struck me as a manufactured reason for Rey to leave Luke. And, let's face it, Kylo Ren is a grown man making his own decisions. Luke might have set things in motion by his impulse to murder his nephew, but to say that he "created Kylo Ren" is a blame game that doesn't focus the blame where it belongs: on Kylo and Snoke. Yes, Kylo is a victim in some respects. But when Rey goes raging off to save him to pull a Luke Skywalker-Vader moment of her own, it felt forced.

Thank goodness it didn't work. That moment was the genius of TLJ for me: it rehashed ROJ, subverting it by presenting a different, far more realistic outcome. Rey helps to kill Snoke and then Kylo stays Dark. Guess what? One small spark of humanity in a Dark Sider isn't enough to turn them to the Light. Flabbergasted Rey doesn't seem to see this coming (which again, seems at odds with her hard eyed, tough scavenger background on Jakku). What do you do when the Light comes to save the Dark and the Dark refuses? What do you do when your story trope fails? Keep in mind that Kylo was confronted before by Han Solo while Rey watched. Even Luke warns her not to go. So why is she so shocked when her salvation plot fails? Did she not appreciate the risks she faced? Again, that seems out of character. For Rey of Jakku is a girl who lived facing down risks again and again. She might be idealistic, but she's not foolish. Should would never have survived on her own if that were the case.

Rey wants so desperately to be a hero. That's a great trait in her character. But TLJ seems to fault Poe Dameron for that again and again. He wants to be a hero and take risks for his cause and that's sort of a bad thing. But Rey wants to be a hero and take risks and that is good? Look, I'm a woman. I know a thing or two about gender drama and the uphill battle women can face. But even I couldn't stomach the in-your-face gender dynamics of TLJ. If the old Empire was faulted for being all men, then how do we end up with a Resistance that looks like everyone in leadership other than old Ackbar is a woman? And chiding, nagging mother figures at that. I could totally have done without Admiral Holdo and her 'do as I say and don't ask questions' failed leadership. Yes, she went out with a bang (thank you Lucasfilm for killing that character off!) but she seemed to cause more problems than she solved. Newsflash women of the world: Admiral Holdo's righteous, combative, name-calling style of leadership is not something to emulate. Men don't like that and that will make you less effective. Honestly, I didn't mind that Holdo wore an Oscar gown to fight the First Order while everyone else was in uniform (and poor cute as a button Rose was wearing some ugly sack of a jumpsuit). I'm all for women in power looking feminine, and hats off to Rian Johnson for that. But I draw the line at the crazy halo thing on her head. I mean, I get it. She and Leia Organa were playing dress up when the evacuation hit. But did no one tell the costume designers that Laura Dern is not the princess in the movie? She's a beautiful woman, but let's face it, at age fifty or whatever she is, you are not the tiara wearing ingenue any more. Sigh, I won't turn this into a TLJ movie review, but lots of little things like this bothered me even if the majority of the visuals were amazing to watch (Crait with red dust and crystal foxes . . . OMG, loved it!).

As with all of my stories, I get messages and comments complaining that I have gutted Rey's character, made her subservient, etc. A lot of readers seem to want Rey to be some sort of Superwoman, ready to fight all the time. She's the moral hard ass and physical badass in every situation. Well, that's a very juvenile way to view female strength in my opinion. And that makes Rey a complete mismatch to Kylo in an emotional sense. He's a Dark Sider and they are not big on empathy, so Kylo needs to recognize something of himself or someone he cares about in Rey. In this case, he sees a version of his own experience and a version of his beloved mother in Rey. He is drawn to her for their similarities, and not their differences.

This is key for me. Ultimately, lasting relationships are based on commonalities. At some point, Kylo and Rey need to find something in common other than the Force. They need to stop arguing about galactic politics and have a common goal. Persistent opposition would ultimately prevent a Reylo relationship, in my opinion. Still, Part One of this fic has plenty of tedious, repetitive bickering. Did you think that was the same old thing again and again? Well, that's how people discuss politics. You say that, I say this, in response ad nauseum. That's the real world. It's why political discussions often devolve into people shouting at one another or in progressively ugly Facebook comment streams. Rey and Kylo are no different. But we move past most of that by Part Two when Rey is at least on board to try to help Kylo.

Where is Rey emotionally at the end of TLJ? She's confused and disappointed by Kylo. She's disappointed and a bit resentful about Luke. And she's got this inconvenient Force bond thing going on. I understand the Force bond plot device is a fan favorite. It's not my thing and so I mostly have avoided it in my other stories. But now it's canon, so it's a thing. Yes, the Force bond will be back in Part Three. The goal of the bond is to get the lovers together, so it will reassert itself when they are separated.

All hail Darth Plagueis! Snoke is back and I'm sure it's no surprise to readers who have read my other Reylo stories. Who knows what Disney will do for the official story, but there could be no better lead up to introducing old Hego Damask himself than by literally killing him off and having him reappear. Readers of my other fics will know that I adore Snoke (I even wrote Snoke a backstory The Fifth Wife, that's how much I love Snoke. He is a close second to my bae Darth Vader). I loved Snoke even more after TLJ. His red throne room, his fancy duds, his cutting sarcasm and Dark Side joie de vivre combined with his penchant for lightning—I mean, is this man a fun SW villain or what? Two lines that slayed me: "How's your wound?" spoken to Kylo before giving him a dressing down and "Such spunk!" which makes me swear that Snoke likes Rey. Anyhow, if Snoke is just Snoke, I will be disappointed that there wasn't more of a connection to the past. Heck, the whole First Order is murky enough as it is. Shouldn't someone's past and motivations be clear? Why do we even need the past to die if we don't know what the past is?

I have written the Kylo-Snoke relationship different ways. Always, they are some version of father and son. Sometimes they get along, sometimes they don't. Sometimes Kylo kills Snoke, sometimes Snoke dies and Kylo grieves, sometimes Kylo tries to kill Snoke and fails and gets stuck living with angry Snoke. Not sure yet how this version will turn out. Snoke, like Kylo, is a complicated guy. So if you have the simplistic 'Kylo killed his abuser Snoke' narrative in your head, this is your chance to bow out. Because the current popular penchant for shorthand labeling people and characters using big words with big connotations (rascist, sexist, abuser, whatever) is not my thing. I am old enough to see life and people as far more complicated than that. Life is rarely so simple. If there is a message to takeaway from Luke Skywalker's angsty exile, it's that the black-and-white Jedi view ended up letting everyone down in the end.

More importantly, do not rob Kylo Ren of his own agency by setting him up as the poor lost boy Snoke used. Yes, that is one aspect of the character dynamic, but it's not the whole story. And that takes me back to a point from earlier: Kylo Ren is who he wants to be. We saw that indubitably when he turned down Rey's overture to come to the Light. He had his chance at redemption. TFA showed Han offering a path back to the Light, TLJ shows us Rey doing the same. I have no idea if Kylo Ren is destined for redemption (probably, this is Disney, after all), but I give it a fifty-fifty chance. But perhaps the third time will be the charm, eh?

There will be more to come in this story once I think a bit. I am writing this on the fly the way I wrote Ghosts of the Past. That story was supposed to end very differently but it evolved as I wrote and ended up completely different. I'm doing this same this time around. Hopefully, it will end up somewhere good. I do, on rare occasions, write happy endings! We'll see . . . Thanks for reading!