A/N Hey there, everyone! Thanks to everyone who commented for their wonderful reviews. I really thought that when I posted this update MerDer on screen would be married. I guess you'd never see the day of this update if were to wait for that to happen… Well, sorry, I'm still venting my deep disappointment with the lack of real MerDer wedding (even the most modest one). The post-it wedding (cute though) was not enough. But enough of my ranting and on with the story.
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As usual, in the last couple of days, Meredith walked into the hospital carrying Bessie in her arms. "As usual" was a loose term to cover it, as sometimes it was her who dropped Bessie at daycare, sometimes it was Derek, and sometimes, the best times, they did it together. Everything depended on their work schedule.
That particular day, Derek had had an early surgery so there were just the two of them, Meredith and Bessie, entering the building. That particular day, however, Bessie wasn't the only precious thing Meredith carried around. Hidden safely in the confines of her bag was the fruit of her efforts, of her "trying harder".
It took her a bit longer than she expected to make it perfect. She was plagued with doubts, she changed her mind on multiple occasions, but at long last, it was ready and she really hoped Derek would appreciate the gift. She also hoped it would help to obliterate the strain that lingered between them. Of course, she wouldn't be the one to complain about their precarious status quo. They coexisted peacefully with Bessie being the axis of their world. There was even more than that, long lusty looks, checking each other out, seemingly innocent touches.
Meredith could clearly see that Derek struggled to hold himself back. A small step forward on her part would surely push him over the edge. But that small step was also the jump into deadly abyss. They probably weren't ready to resume their intimacy. It would wreck all their attempts. Hopefully, the object in her bag would help to lay a bridge between two shores.
She was so deep in thought that she already reached the elevators before she noticed that something was off. She looked around; everything was the same as on any given day but… some minor elusive detail she couldn't grasp felt out of place. Meredith stared at the people walking past her. She caught it! No one, actually no one, was staring back at her, probably the first time in weeks.
"You look like you're lost," commented Cristina instead of a normal good morning. "The elevator's just behind you, Mer. And guess what, the door's opening."
"Cristina," Meredith frowned at her. "No one is looking at me. Why is no one looking at me?"
"And it's… like a bad thing?" Cristina raised her eyebrows.
"I don't know. You tell me. Should I be worried?"
"Relax Mer," she snorted. "You've gone stale. How long can we live off the McDrama?"
Meredith studied her person's face anxiously. Cristina did break up with Owen and wasn't taking it very well. Most of the time, she was stifling it all inside. She never talked about herself, not even what she'd like to eat for lunch.
"You haven't heard the latest piece of gossip, huh?" smirked Cristina. "The wicked witch… is dead."
"Metaphorically dead or dead dead?"
"Her name is off the surgical board, her surgeries have been cancelled. Hahn is gone!"
"I wonder why she left," whispered Meredith.
"Don't."
"What?"
"Don't wonder. Everybody knows it," shrugged Cristina. "Apparently, Torres got cold feet."
"Huh?" Meredith stared at her confusedly.
"They were together," Cristina emphasized the last word.
"Together?" repeated Meredith and the comprehension dawned on her. "Like together together?"
"Yeah," Cristina cocked her eyebrows. "They were dating and apparently Callie was doing Sloan all the time."
"Cristina!" yelled Meredith covering Bessie's ears. "Not in front of a child! Or at least my child!"
"It's not like she knows what we're talking about."
"And I would appreciate if you didn't provide her with details."
The elevator door opened and they were joined by none other than Callie Torres with a forlorn expression on her face. Meredith was never particularly close to her but she felt for her the dark-haired surgeon, Callie did help her out a few times. She was unabashedly grateful too. She, Bessie and Derek were finally off the hook.
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Meredith opened the door to Derek's office and let Bessie run inside.
"Daddy!" The little girl bolted straight into Derek as he swiveled on his chair to hoist her onto his lap and plant a kiss on her forehead.
"Good morning, angel. Did you sleep well last night?"
"Good!" answered Bessie shifting her attention at Derek's desk. "Whas that?"
"That's a picture, sweetie," explained Derek. "It's somebody's head."
"Brain?" she asked, leaning onto the table, shuffling her feet impatiently.
"Yes, brain," chuckled Derek. It amazed him every time a little bit more how imaginative and perceptive his daughter was. She knew more difficult words and concepts than an average child of her age. He knew it was due to her being exposed to medical environment. Meredith always kept her at her side while she studied during her residency, surrounded by books, images, diagrams. Derek liked to joke that they were raising a small surgeon in the making.
"Are you busy?" asked Meredith stopping beside the desk. "Are we interrupting?"
"You're never interrupting," he smiled as Bessie started rearranging the files on his desk.
"I was just taking her to daycare and thought to bring her here first," said Meredith watching their daughter slip from Derek's arms, dive under the table and run to climb on the sofa.
"And," she smiled mischievously, "I assumed it would prove to our advantage if I took Bessie with me to negotiate with the Chief the possibility of our weekend off."
They weren't going on some romantic couply weekend away, absolutely not. They were going to attend the wedding of their former parents, Jenny and Luke, and as they were the matron of honor and the best man, their presence was necessary. The problem was that they weren't going to be absent just a couple of hours. Jenny's uncle was a proud owner of a vineyard in Sonoma and the young couple intended to enter the holy state of matrimony in the beautiful scenery of growing vines.
However, the chances that Richard would welcome the perspective of his two neuro attendings leaving Grace at the same time were slim. Meredith might probably get a weekend off for herself without much commotion. Derek was another story. He had fallen into disgrace with the rage scene he put up in the hospital corridor when he learnt about Bessie. So, Meredith needed to be sly and take sneaky measures. Bessie seemed to be the best way of persuasion. No one could resist the force of her cerulean regard. Additionally, Richard held a particularly soft spot for her.
"Then I think it's safe to book the tickets," smiled Derek knowingly.
"Oh, and… I wanted to give you this," she proudly took out a hard-covered album from her bag. "It's… These are the big moments, milestones… or whatever you call it. It's like a guidebook to the last two years."
Derek stood up from his chair and looked at her curiously.
"I… made it for you," stated Meredith. "I… It's not everything. We have… There's more. I think it'd be good to start with this but there's more… lots and lots… to fill the blanks…"
Derek took the book from her hands and slowly opened the cover. His eyes went wide at the picture placed on the opening page.
"It's… the first picture of our daughter," said quietly Meredith. "The very first one."
Derek's fingers moved almost reverently over the rim of the black and white sonogram scan. The tiny fuzzy shape took his breath away. It was like a whole world was uncovered to him. He only met Bessie's two-year-old self. It felt almost unreal that she ever was anything else. It was oddly similar to the feeling one gets trying to imagine youthful look of a very old man.
"Derek?" prompted Meredith, searching his features for any visible traces of emotion but his face remained inscrutable. "We'll… we'll give you a moment. I'll get to see the Chief and then take Bessie to daycare."
She took Bessie's little hand in hers and walked her to the door.
"There are captions, under the photos, so you can know when… and where it was taken," she told him leaving his office. "When you're ready… ask me anything… and I'll be there."
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Meredith knocked on the partially opened door to the Chief's office and peered inside.
"Chief, do you have a minute-"she trailed off as she noticed that Richard wasn't alone. In the chair across his desk sat his wife, Adele. ''Oh, I'm sorry.. I'll come later." She made to back off with Bessie in her wake but Richard's voice called her to stay.
"Meredith, come on in!"
"You're obviously busy, "she remarked. "Good morning, by the way, Mrs. Webber."
"Meredith, it's been a long time," smiled Adele, standing to her feet. "You look great... and that must be the bittle princess Richard has been telling me about."
"It's Bessie," saidd Meredith reciprocating the smile but feeling somewhat awkward. She knew Adele didn't hold anything against her but witnessing her husband's fatherly attitude towards his ex-mistress's daughter and now also granddaughter couldn't be pleasurable... "I really can come back, it's nothing important. I don't want to-"
"You're not interrupting anything," said softly Adele. "I was just on my way out. I finally managed to convince Richard to have the house redecorated so there's a lot to do."
"Oh, okay,'' breathed out Meredith and walked in.
Adele's eyes rested on the little girl that tried impatiently to free herself fnon her mother's grip.
"Time flies," she said thoughtfully. "It feels like it was yesterday when you were this small yourself, running around the hospital. She really is your daughter. Although, I see a lot of Derek's contribution."
"I hope she didn't inherit his temper," grumbled Richard from across the desk.
''Trust me, you'd rather wish she hadn't inherited mine," joked Meredith.
Richard shook his head indulgently and asked, "Is everything alright? Do you need something?"
"Actually, I do," confessed Meredith. "I know I'm asking a lot but I need a weekend off, a weekend off next month. There's a wedding and I kind of have to be there, because I'm the matron of honour. And.... the wedding takes place in the wine country so I need the whole weekend. Off..."
"Okay," nodded Richard. "It shouldn't be a problem. There's a whole month, we'll find someone to cover your cases..."
"Thank you, Chief," replied Meredith, trying to sound as grateful as possible, "but it's not everything..."
"Mhmm?"
"'You see... Derek is the best man."
Richard looked at her seriously as though waiting for her to announce she was joking but when she didn't, he said grimly, "You're asking me to let you both go?"
''Yeah," Meredith nodded lightly.
" You want me to let off two of my neurosurgeons for the whole weekend? One of them being the head of the department?" he demanded with a voice clearly indicating his displeasure with the idea.
"Yes," answered slowly Meredith. Predictably, the Chief was reluctant. It was time to use her secret weapon.
She loosened her grasp on Bessie's hand and her Cherry-pie launched forward like a tiny missile.
"Oh, sorry!" she looked apologetically at Richard whose regard followed Bessie as she ran around the office. "Sweetie, come back here! You'll make a mess in Dr. Webber's office!" she shouted half-heartedly after her daughter who halted beside Richard with the intention to climb onto his lap.
"That's fine," grinned Rich and picking her up. "She's just a harmless little princess, aren't you, Bessie?"
"So, about that weekend off..." went on Meredithbut blushed meeting Adele's knowing grin.
"About the weekend..." repeated Richard clapping hands with Bessie.
"We've been planning to go together," said quickly Meredith, "the three of us."
"The three of you," echoed Richard absent-mindedly.
"Oh, let them go, Richard," Adele backed up Meredith's pleas. '"They've recently become a family. They need to spend some time together."
"Eh, fine," sighed Richard. "I guess I have to agreeif I want to be let back into the house.
" Again, thank you, Chief," smiled Meredith. "So, I better get to work and drop Bessie at daycare."
"I'll walk you off, "said quickly Adele. "Honey, I'll sent you the check for that new kitchen furniture."
Women..... thought Richard with a sigh as they left him alone in his office.
"Why do I get the feeling that my presence makes you uncomfortable?"asked Adele as they slowly walked towe
"No! of... of It Well... I thought... that maybe... my presence may be uncomfortable to you... and my taking advantage..."
"Meredith, I already told you once before," said gently Adele. "I don't see your mother when I look at you."
"I don't see how you cannot, "sighed Meredith. "Especially, when the Chief's treating me..."
"Differently than a normal employer? Like he cares for you?" asked Adele pensively. "I would be disappointed if he didn't. He wouldn't be the man I love."
Meredith looked at her questioningly.
"You and your mother are two different stories; I've never put you in one category," stated Adele. "How could I? We shared the same lot, so to speak. Only with more devastating consequences for you."
""She's a lot like you," took up Adele, " more by character than looks. But she's luckier because she has you."
Meredith smiled subtly, squeezed Bessie's hand and prayed for Adele's words to be true.
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Meredith's morning was filled with an impatient anticipation. She didn't yet have the occasion to talk to Derek since her early visit in his office and she was nervous. She was aware that he was deeply affected by her gift. When they passed each other in corridors, Derek averted her eyes. Hopefully, by the time they were reunited for lunch, he would recover from his initial shock.
In the early afternoon, Meredith trotted back to daycare to collect Bessie for lunch. She was about to walk in when she stumbled into Derek who was apparently taking off.
"Derek, I was just going to take Bessie. We can go the cafeteria together."
"I can't, I have this patient," he said mechanically, not looking her in the eye.
"Okay," she acknowledged slowly. "Have you had time to look through the album?"
He gave a non-committal nod. "I'm busy, I have to go."
"Derek?" she stopped him before he walked away. "What time are you off today? Are we getting home together or you'll come in your own car?"
"I'm sorry, Meredith. I'm finishing late," he said expressionlessly. "And then I have to get back to the trailer."
Meredith stared at his retreating back with her lips opened in shock. She was stunned. She had expected an emotional reaction but not… this. He was shutting her off again. He was rebuilding the wall she fought so hard to bring down, inadvertently pushing Bessie away in the process.
"I think I might've made a terrible mistake," breathed out Meredith falling back on a chair next to Bessie's. The two of them joined Izzie and Cristina in the cafeteria.
"What? Did you sleep with McAss again?" asked Cristina with amusement in her voice.
"Cristina! I told you – not in front of a child!" scolded her Meredith. She brought her hair into a messy ponytail and sighed. "I didn't."
"Then I don't see what else could be going wrong," shrugged Cristina. "Unless, of course, you killed someone."
"I killed McDreamy," sighed Meredith, leaning to help Bessie cut her food with a plastic knife.
"What?" chuckled Izzie.
"I thought it was such a good idea," she went on.
"Brilliant, I'd say," grinned naughtily Cristina, making Meredith roll her eyes.
"I knew Derek was upset that he hadn't been there for Bess," she said picking on her food. "So I made him a scrapbook, with pictures and stuff."
"Oh, it's so sweet, Mer," exclaimed Izzie. "What did Derek say?"
"Nothing but for some incoherent grunts. He's retired to the land of passive aggressive," she answered bitterly.
"What? Why? He didn't like the scrapbook?"
"I don't know," shrugged Meredith, swallowing a huge gulp of water. "Now, he's avoiding. He said he was too busy to eat lunch with us. And he's going back to the trailer tonight."
"Mer, don't freak out," Izzie tried to calm her down. "Give him time, maybe he wants to see the scrapbook on his own. It's not like reading a newspaper, it's two years of his daughter's life."
"What do you think I've been doing for the past weeks?" frowned Meredith. "He's been acting like a basket case and I'm waiting and waiting and giving him time."
"Then maybe you should fu- er, that is, blow his mind away?" smirked Cristina making Izzie giggle.
"I think you should wait," advised Izzie. "You started with sex, and restarted with sex and you know how it ended. Go slow. It's not like Derek's going away somewhere. There's Bessie. Bessie's your glue."
"Goo!" squeaked Bessie interrupting their conversation.
"My daughter's no goo or glue for that matter!" snapped Meredith harshly. "Me and Bessie… are different stories. She's not a cure for me and Derek. She's my little girl who deserves to be happy, who deserves all love in the world!"
Izzie and Cristina exchanged furtive glances and occupied themselves with their food. It was better not to aggravate Meredith's mood swings.
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Derek squashed another empty beer can and flung it across the room increasing the mess covering the floor of the trailer. He went to his "tin can" for the first time in days. Lately, he only came back to the woods to retrieve some files that remained there or to take clothes. Today, he returned to drink and wallow in his self-pity, anger and pain.
The scrapbook Meredith had given him this morning lay respectfully untouched on the table, the only clean surface in the trailer. All evening, Derek's regard kept wandering to this bluish book in hard covers but he was too scared to reopen it. Truth to be told, he didn't get past the very first picture, Bessie's ultrasound image. He didn't look further because he feared the emotions that those photos could evoke in him. It took just one to break him into pieces. It exacerbated the anger that still lurked in his heart. Anger on Meredith for keeping his daughter away and for making him a wreck showing what he had missed. It was all due to Meredith's actions that he felt too broken and ashamed of himself to be with Bessie.
And it made him even more ashamed, the fact that he was unable to be a reliable, responsible father. But he couldn't face his beautiful adorable girl. He could barely look her in the eye visiting her in daycare knowing he was going to hide in the wilderness for the night.
Meredith tried to talk to him every time she spotted him but he always came up with an excuse. She also tried to call him, every hour since his shift ended. However, her calls remained unanswered. He didn't want to talk to anyone, he didn't want to talk to Meredith in particular. He needed to become immune, to feel less. And he made sure to have the full stock of something to help him achieve that exactly. The growing heap of drained cans was the evidence.
If only Meredith would desist calling him every now and then. The regular ringing of the phone kept disturbing his drunken solitude. He groaned irritably as the annoying sound echoed through the trailer once again. Wouldn't she finally get a clue that his not picking up meant he had clearly no intention to hear her? Apparently not. Derek dragged himself from the bed and automatically put the phone to his ear and growled into the receiver, "Just leave me alone, Meredith!" He threw his blackberry on the floor without as much as a glance at the little screen.
However, if he had checked the ID of the caller, he would have known that it was not Meredith this time whom he dissed. He would have known that the call wasn't even from Seattle. It was actually from the opposite coast. Just as he threw himself back on the bed, the caller, with an increasing frown on their face, slowly put down the receiver only to pick it up again to book the next available flight to the Rain City.
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It seemed as if she had just hit the pillow but it was already time to get up. Meredith sat up on her bed trying to wake up before Bessie did it for her. She barely slept a wink last night. She hadn't seen nor talked to Derek since they met in the corridor in passing with a reserved "See you tomorrow" on his part. She called him a few times but she gave up eventually.
It looked like everything they achieved so far went to crumbles. But Meredith was more anxious because of the fact that Bessie noticed something bad was hanging in the air. She didn't know what to say to her when she asked where Daddy was. His place was with them, no matter what. Meredith kept seeing her six-year-old self pestering her own mother with questions "Where is Daddy? Where had Daddy gone?" Fortunately, she knew she would never have to explain to Bessie that her Daddy was never to come back. Derek wouldn't walk out on his child. Still, he needed to understand that sudden pouty disappearances were unacceptable.
Meredith trudged heavily to the bathroom. She didn't have to go to work later so theoretically she had lots of time to come up with the best course of action towards Derek. Although, apparently there probably wasn't much in her power to do. She tried, she tried harder and it all blew in her face. He wouldn't overcome his bitterness and anger Meredith knew now he was full of, unless he wanted to himself. She only prayed there was nothing else that could fuel the fire.
She stared at her reflection in the mirror. She was pale and she had bags under her eyes. Hopefully, a warm shower would erase any outward indicators of her emotional state. She wondered if she looked worse than she felt. She looked into her own eyes and she knew she was missing something, something important. She squeezed out toothpaste on her brush and then it hit her. She gripped the sink trying to keep a cool head. She was late...
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A/N Remember me telling you we didn't see the last of angry Derek? Well, he's back for a little while. Not for long, though. Something needs to snap him out of the anger that's clouding his judgment and that something's coming.
I'm waiting for your reviews hoping that my fics will make it easier for you to survive the four whole months without Grey's.
Have a great weekend
Em
