Chapter 29

Hardon and Butt ran to the van but, unfortunately, it drove away. The song, Boulevard of Broken Dreams, was about to pop into their heads, when they heard a loud noise. They turned to see a large truck about to run them over. They ducked.

As the truck passed them, they got up to see the back of the truck: It was the moving van! It was sponsored by Fed-Ex.

"Fed-Ex?" Butt was confused. "I never knew they were into moving."

Hardon shrugged. "They are the cheapest pieces of humor the world has lately! Come on!" he said as the toys ran to the truck.

They were close to the truck and saw that there was a piece of tape on the back of it. Butt ran faster than Hardon, somehow, and grabbed the tape, climbing on.

Butt reached out his hand to Hardon. "Give me your hand!" Hardon tried to but Butt pulled it away. "PSYCH! HA! HA! HA! Just kidding!"

Hardon tried to reach the piece of tape. He jumped for it and grabbed it.

The toys laughed but Butt gasped at sight at what was behind Hardon. Hardon looked behind him, only to see an angry random dog chasing him… and biting one of Hardon's legs!

"NO! NO! STUPID DOG! BAD DOG! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Hardon yelled, kicking the dog with pointless success.

Butt called out, "Hang on!" The most useless thing to say when sitting down, doing nothing.

Hardon's grip on the tape was slipping. He shook his head. "I CAN'T DO IT! TAKE CARE OF ANDY FOR ME!"

Butt shrugged his shoulders. "Okay!" he was about to say goodbye to Hardon but the truck hit a pothole, sending Butt flying on to the dog, blinding its eyes, letting go of Hardon's leg.

"BUTT!" Hardon called out, as he saw the dog abusing Butt.

Hardon climbed the tape and carefully stood at the back of the van. He saw a hatch and so he flipped it over. He tried to open up the door but it was too heavy.

The truck, meanwhile, stopped at a red light, sending Hardon and the door up. He looked around the back of the truck and saw what he was looking for: ANDY'S TOYS.

He went towards it and opened the box. There was commotion in it as Hardon fully opened the box.

"Are we there already?" Al asked.

"You're an idiot." Potato Head answered.

"Hardon!" all the toys called out as he looked deeply into the box.

"Where is it?" he asked himself. "A-HA!" he took out a green toy car and its remote control, walking to the edge of the truck, placing the car there.

"What is he doing?" asked Potato Head.

The question had been asked when Hardon pushed the car out the truck, sending panic throughout the toys.

"AAAAHHHHH!" yelled Al. "He's killing again!"

Hardon controlled the car toward Butt, who meanwhile was having trouble with the dog. He was about to be eaten when the toy car raced to him. Butt saw that the car was gesturing him to ride on him, causing Butt to smile and nod.

Back at the truck, the truck stated moving again. The toys were in pure tyranny over Hardon's current actions. "KILL HIM!" Potato Head yelled, as they tipped over the box, sprawling all of them all over the floor. Hardon gasped as he saw the toys out of their box. He had to hurry.

Butt and the car raced toward the truck, with the dog right behind him. The more Butt looked back, the more the dog was closer to them.

Boy, Butt thought. Who would have thought Ciara would look like this?

The toys picked up Hardon. "NO! WAIT!" But before he could explain anything, the toys spun him around, which led the car controls to do the same and, therefore, Butt, the car and the dog went in circles. Then, the toys threw Hardon to the ground, making him jump a bit, which made the car jump a lot but back into the path toward the truck.

Ahead, there was traffic. The truck had gotten by with no problem but Butt was getting there. Butt screamed as he headed towards a car. Somehow, the toy car went by the traffic, getting Butt passed it safely. The dog wasn't so lucky. All the cars made crazy turns just to avoid it. A huge big rig smashed into a pile of cars, exploding in the process and hitting the dog, sending it flying on top of another broken car.

Butt looked back at the heavy traffic and breathed a sigh of relief.

The dog, meanwhile, was not moving. Instead, its spirit rose from its body. The dog looked around and saw the traffic. There was a lady screaming for her baby but the dog knew that it killed her baby, even though it wasn't mentioned but it's in the deleted scenes that, due to Disney and Pixar's threatening letter to this fan fiction writer, can never be written.

Suddenly, the dog heard horrible groaning. It looked at the ground and saw shadows moving and taking form. They turned into dark, faceless demons. The dog whimpered as the shadows surrounded and walked around it. The dog howled in terror as the demons took it away, into the ground. The shadows went back to normal and the spirit of the dog disappeared.

A Patrick Swayze doll nodded its head and disappeared into a bright light.

Back at the truck, Hardon wasn't having much luck. The toys were going to throw him out.

"LISTEN TO ME! BUTT IS IN DANGER! WE GOTTA HELP HIM!" As he said this, his arms were flailing in a way of how Michael J. Fox's moves today, so that led to one of his arms smashing all of Potato Head's face features from his head to the ground.

"Throw him overboard!" his mouth said, as the toys threw him out.

Hardon bounced a few times and then fell face first on to the ground.

"SO LONG, LETTERMAN!" one of the toys called out, as Hardon sighed, with disappointment, of course.

He looked behind him, only to see a speeding Toyota rush to him and hit him clean off the ground.

Dammit, he thought, as he flew up in the air in slow motion. Switching to Geico was a horrible idea!

"HARDON!" a voice called up to him and Hardon saw that Butt and the car were driving right below him. Hardon landed perfectly in front of Butt on the car.

"Are you alright?" Butt asked.

"Not really," Hardon winced in pain. "Why did the creator of this fan fiction make me with a pair of family jewels?"

Butt yelled, "LOOK OUT!" He was pointing to in front of them. The wheel of a car was rushing to them. Hardon screamed as he took the controls and swerved the car.

"Now," Hardon shouted. "Let's catch up to the truck."

Butt was confused. "You want ketchup on the truck?"

The toys on the truck high fived each other over a horrible job well done. A pair of small toy binoculars looked at the highway and saw a small green car in the distance, along with two passengers on the top of it.

"Hey, guys," the little toy called. "Hardon is coming back on the car. He's with…BUTT!"

Ho Peep looked through the toy and saw Butt, Hardon and the car racing to the truck.

"It is Butt!" Ho Peep yelled. "Hardon was telling the truth."

Stoney, out of nowhere, was shocked. "What have we done?"

Al shook his head. "Great, now I have guilt!"

Potato Head jumped up and down. "Hey look, everybody! Al Gore has guilt!"

Most of the toys went in packed boxes and got out cameras to take a picture of Al Gore's guilty face.

Stoney looked around. "Where are Richard Nixon, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush? They should be a part of this picture!"

"We're almost there!" Hardon shouted as the toys went closer to the truck.

"Random Strong Man!" Ho Peep called out. "The ramp!"

Random Strong Man went over to the ramp lever and pulled it down, releasing the ramp from under the truck. Due to the speed the vehicle was going, the ramp hit the ground and flipped over, unable to let the toys in.

"Hold on to my legs!" Stoney called out as half of him jumped and the other half were held by the other toys. He landed on the ramp and held out one hand. "Hardon, give me your hand!"

Hardon stared at him. "ARE YOU CRAZY! IT TOOK YOU SEVEN HOURS TO CATCH CHRISTMAS LIGHTS FROM ONE HOUSE TO THE NEXT! YOU WANT ME TO GRAB YOUR HAND IN THIS RIDICULOUS SPEED!"

Stoney laughed. "Pretty much."

Hardon shrugged. "Alright!" And Hardon held out his hands and held Stoney's pot infested hands.

"He's held on!" The toys called out.

Suddenly, the toy car started to slow down, pulling Stoney even more further from the truck, with the other toys hanging on to his legs.

"Hardon!" Stoney shouted. "Speed up!"

"Speed up!" Hardon shouted to Butt, who was working the controls.

"The batteries! They're dying!" Butt yelled. "Why does Andy still use Duracell instead of Energizer?"

Stoney began to stretch as the car slowed down, away from the truck. Hardon and Stoney still tried to hang on together. The speed got much faster.

"

Meanwhile, inside Andy's car, the family was listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers covering "Hakuna Mutata". The baby looked in a rearview mirror and saw the toys riding to some sort of certain death. Laughing as it got out of its seat; it opened the door and, with the car still moving, jumped out to greet them.

After getting run over by fifteen cars, the baby was dead.

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H!" Stoney and Hardon screamed. Their grip on each other was slipping.

"I can't…" Stoney said with his grip on Hardon was slipping.

"Stoney!" Hardon yelled. "Hang on!"

But their hands slipped each other and the two groups of toys went their separate ways, with Hardon, Butt and the toy car slowing down and the others rolling forward.

The toy car slowly stopped. Hardon leapt off the car.

"Great!" he said, as he thought of a way out of this mess.

Butt thought for a moment. "Hardon! The rocket!"

Hardon lit up. "The match! Yes!" Hardon reached into his pocket and pulled out the match from earlier. "Thank you, Sid!"

Butt was confused. "Did you just thank the face of evil?"

"Yeah, so?" Hardon shrugged as he light up the match. "What's the worst that can happen?"

He was about to lit the rocket fuse when a speeding car passed by them, putting the light out.

"Haw Haw!" the passenger laughed at the toys as the car drove away.

Hardon looked at the burnt out match and cried. "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! YE-NO!" Butt looked at the ground as Hardon fell down to it and hit it with his fist. "NO! NO! NO! NO! YES! NO! NO!"

He was feeling angry and the song, Break Stuff, was just about to enter his mind when smoke came out of his hand. He looked at it and saw that it was smoking. He looked at Butt and saw why. The shining sun had reflected off his helmet, causing his hand to catch on fire.

After twenty seconds of trying to put out the fire on his hand, Hardon grabbed Butt and made sure the sun reflected off onto the rocket fuse.

"Hardon! What are you doing?"

"Hold still, Butt!" As planned, the light burned the fuse and set it on fire, getting it ready for action.

Hardon laughed and got back on the toy car as Butt laughed. "You did it! Next stop, Andy!"

Hardon realized something. "Wait a minute! I just lit a rocket. And if I just lit a rocket and it is attached to you. And Ally McBeal could've still been on the air… that means rockets explode!"

And off they went! The rocket blasting toward the truck as fast as light. Hardon, not being able to take this in properly, saw his life flash before his eyes.

Crap, he thought as the toy sped toward frightening doom. My insurance is not gonna cover this after I faked my death twice.

Back at the truck, the toys helped Stoney with himself due to the fact that he was strung out.

"I couldn't save him! I was too high!" he moaned as he smoked another doobie.

"Guys! There's Hardon and Butt coming to us!" Al yelled as he saw the toy car coming at impeccable speed. The toys cheered.

The car hit an unidentified object as they began to float. Hardon hung on to the car, Butt hung on to Hardon and the object hung on to Butt. The toys were floating as Hardon began to lose grip on the car, throwing it as they flew up in the air.

"Take cover!" Al yelled to the toys got out of the car's way, only hitting a Stephen Baldwin action figure, which only cost twenty-nine cents to make.

In the air, Butt, Hardon and the object slowly made their way into space.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Hardon screamed. "This is the part where we blow up!"

Butt was about to say something but the object said something. "Not today!" The two toys looked up at the object and saw that it was a toy! It wore black clothes, black eyeliner and long hair.

"Criss Angel!" Hardon yelled. "You garbage excuse for a magician! How are we going to get out of this?"

Criss took out his left hand. "Like this." And, for some paranormal reason, the rocket was unstrapped from Butt, leaving Butt and Hardon to fly from it while the rocket and Criss Angel exploded in the air, although it's not certain if Criss made it out alive.

Butt, hanging on to Hardon, took out his devil wings before the toys hit the ground. Hardon shut his eyes as he braced for impact.

Suddenly, they began to fly. Hardon looked from his eyes and laughed. "Butt! We're flying!"

Butt shook his head. "We're not flying, we're falling with style! Wait, no, we're flying."

Hardon laughed as he spread his arms, like a bird. "TO URANUS AND TO COME!" The song, I Believe I can Fly, had popped into his head.

Screw you, Ben Affleck, Butt thought as he smiled. I'm going to worship someone who appreciates me more. Matt Damon.

Hardon looked down only to see that they floated above the truck.

"Uh, Butt?" he said. "We missed the truck!"

"We're not aiming for the truck!" Butt replied. "By the way, I've never really learned about landing properly. I only saw Police Academy 4."

Hardon shrugged. "You can do…"

Inside Andy's car, Andy heard the back window smash. He turned around to see a bloodied Hardon and Butt.

"Hey, Mom! Look!" he pulled out the toys. "Hardon! Butt!"

"See I told you we would find them! Where were they?" she asked.

"Right here in the car." He answered, not really a smart answer, considering that the back window was broken, leading to some conclusion that the two toys were NOT in the car the whole time.

"Well, that's where I told them they would be." She replied. "A deal is a deal. You lost the bet. Now, you owe me your whole bank account!"

Hardon and Butt winked at each other as sexual music was heard from the radio.

"Why don't we stop at a gas station again, sweetie?" Andy's mom asked, slyly.

"Just call me Daddy." Andy winked.

The sex scenes are in the deleted scenes but, once again, Disney and Pixar intervened.

(seriously)