This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!
~~~So, here's the deal guys. I think my wonderful beta reader (FORD B.) may have left town for the holidays. I'm unsure as I have not heard from him in several days. I have many chapters awaiting his once over...but I simply could not hold back any longer. ^_^* So, this chapter is not beta read, please forgive if there are missed spelling errors. I have read over it a few times and hope I have caught them. (I don't usually have TOO many). The point is that I wanted to let you all know, especially those of you who are more then use to my rapid updates, that I will probably hold out on the remaining chapters until they have been beta'ed. I'm so sorry for the delay! I hope this will hold you over and that I hear from my beta reader soon. (Where are you FORD?)
A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee and her fic Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.
Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!
Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!
Journal entry; doorways
Meditation is supposed to be the best way to 'reach out' they say. So I meditated trying to draw in the images I had of Sunny that I'm pretty sure I got from Sides, though honestly I had no idea what I was doing. My connection to Sideswipe was just...there. I didn't have to try and I wasn't even sure how I managed to 'communicate' with him other then he just seemed to 'hear' me. Gods this was frustrating!
I was beginning to think that the dream had been just that; a dream.
~Aurian Fae
It was cold. There were sounds but they were all distorted and echoed strangely throughout her head. Aurian felt fear. Absolute dread. She knew where she was but how did she get here?
"Are ve avake then?" That voice!
'No!' She tried to scream but she couldn't.
"Good! Good!" The sound of tiny metal claws climbing onto the table with her, climbing over her, poking and prodding.
'Get off me!' No matter how hard she tried her voice just would not work. Her chest screamed with the effort but there was no reward for such struggles.
"I think ve shall take a look at your soul. Yes. That is vhat ve vill do."
Pain. Sheer agonizing, gut wrenching pain shot through her entire body. Tears poured from her eyes even as she continued her silent cries for mercy.
"Who are you?" Another voice but this one wasn't distorted like all the other sounds. It was clear and strong.
'Please! Help me!' She begged.
"What..." A sensation of shock washed through her as she felt Scalpels claws dig deep into her chest. The new voice roared in a mix of pain and anger.
'No!' Aurian screamed with all her strength, the other voice screamed with her. Then a third joined in the agony, though it was distant. 'Stop it! Please stop it!'
"S-Sides-sss-ipe?" The voice asked confused, full of agony.
'Please, stop it!' Aurian couldn't register what the other voice was saying through the pain that was devouring every semblance of thought she had. Then there was light, warm, golden light that lifted away the pressure of the mech on top of her and banished all the pain.
"Who are you?" The voice demanded angrily.
'Am I dreaming again?' She tried to ask but still her voice would not work.
"Who are you?" Again the voice demanded, the tone dropping to something below 'chilling'.
'Aurian.' She tried to look around but was unable to do that either. 'Where am I?'
"That is what I want to know. And how are you reaching me?" The voice was beyond angry. It was livid and annoyed and anything else that could describe completely unpleased.
'Who are you?' The warmth was invading her completely, lulling her into a calmness that threatened to render her invalid. She fought against it, there was something about all this that was important she knew but what?
"You're the one reaching me, you should know." There was a heavy pause before the voice snapped again, "Why do you feel like Sideswipe?"
"Sunny!" Aurian finally found her voice as everything became suddenly clear again. The golden light, the dream, it was the same as before only now she was able to stave off oblivion long enough to puzzle out the situation.
"What did you call me?" The voice growled, promising death. Aurian could not answer though as it seemed finding her voice had also brought her from sleep.
Sitting up suddenly in her bed Aurian looked around assuring herself that she was indeed in her room in the med bay just as she had been when she had fallen asleep. She felt an ache in her chest as though what she had dreamed of had actually occurred. No, it was more of a..stabbing, bleeding pain! Clutching at her chest Aurian doubled over trying to draw in breath. Her lungs burned and her head pounded with the lack of oxygen.
'Aurian?' Sideswipe's quarry came laced with pain and longing. 'Are you alright?'
She still couldn't catch her breath but she tried to think of soothing thoughts and pushed them toward the mech. If she could just calm down...
'What happened?' Still the pain lingered in the thought.
The nightmare quickly lept back to her thoughts, Scalpel's vile claws the center of her focus. She had managed to refrain from dreaming of the horrors of his experiments most nights by simply avoiding sleep until she was simply too exhausted to even dream but tonight she had fallen asleep while trying to meditate.
'Again?' There was nothing but sympathy in the thought this time, offering a bit of comfort and a wave of protection.
"Gods, Sides, it hurts so much!" She was finally able to choke out through gasps. "I can still feel him digging inside me!"
'It's okay!' Wave after wave of comfort and soothing wrapped around her so intensely she could almost feel it physically. 'I'm coming to the med bay.'
"You don't have too..." oh but she wanted him to. She needed something to hold onto, someone to hold her, to banish the thoughts of that evil little creature and all the things he had done to her.
'No, but I am.' There was an appreciation in the thought that Aurian found very pleasing.
"Thank you." She nearly sobbed. In the face of all that she had to endure trying to reach some kind of balance again it was a Gods given mercy to Aurian that there was somebody who could, if not understand, at least willingly allow her to feed off of his strength to pull herself from the whirlpool of doubts and fear that threatened her very mind.
'I'm just glad you're talking to me again.'
Aurian realized that she had not 'heard' from Sideswipe in nearly a full day. The mech had been on patrol until early sometime this morning, as she realized it must be morning now, and so she had not come across him. The thoughts that he had been projecting toward her she had simply ignored and pushed away. She wasn't really mad at him anymore for having snapped at her previously but it was principal. "If you hadn't yelled at me..."
'I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I just...I miss him.'
The pain in her chest shot back to full intensity as Sideswipe 'spoke'. She screamed with the shocking wave of hurt and longing.
'Aurian?' Distress wound around the word.
"Stop it!" She gasped desperately, "Please stop!" She just knew that it had to be Scalpel stabbing her again. The pain was so horrible!
'I'm almost there!' But she knew that, she could feel that he was close.
Stumbling from her room into the med bay Aurian tried to remain on her feet. She only vaguely realized at all that she had left her bed to move closer to the feeling of Sideswipe. A distant panic invaded her as she swayed on her feet.
"Aurian!" Sideswipe was there, holding her now and the pain was subsiding.
"What is wrong with me?" She asked pleadingly.
"I don't know. I called for Ratchet, he's on his way."
Aurian groaned. The medic had been more edgy around her ever since her confession to Will and his consent to allow her some free roam. This was not going to go well. "Did you have to?"
"The pain you were feeling was too much. I was afraid you were...I think it'd be a good idea if Ratchet at least looked you over."
"He'll just see what he always does. Nothing." Aurian rubbed her head, it ached something awful now but she decided that it was a pain she could handle, just as long as she never had to feel that burning, tearing pain in her chest again.
Sideswipe found one of the examination tables and made himself comfortable, holding Aurian close to him with one hand and absently rubbing her back with his thumb. "I was worried. All that pain and fear just came out of no where."
"Nightmare." Aurian explained.
"Then it suddenly stopped. For a moment I thought the worst."
"Heh, I may be a fragile, puny human but I wont die that easy."
Sideswipe didn't say anything. He hadn't spoken the words because the mere thought was so distressful to him. "Too stubborn for that, huh?"
"Exactly." She sighed. This close to Sideswipe she could almost forget that any of it had happened. She almost found it strange but at the same time so very comforting. However, being this close she could also see the remains of what damage had been done to him by the Decepticons that had hunted her, had used him to hunt her and also the hardly damaging yet still very uncomfortable things Ratchet had done to remind the mech never to hit him again. "Ratchet really did a number on you."
"Nah," Sideswipe considered his various dents and dings, there was a lot of them but nothing serious. It didn't look good, but that was something he could fix himself. "These are just love taps. If I'd really slagged him off I wouldn't be able to walk."
"That wasn't really slagged?" Aurian recalled the scene of Ratchet brutalizing her rescuer and shivered, "I never want to see him actually mad then."
Sideswipe laughed, "No! No you don't!"
At that time the mech of their discussion came barreling into the med bay as though demons might have been on his aft. "Aurian!" She felt his scans even as he approached, "What happened?"
"I had a nightmare." She rubbed her chest a little, remembering the pain, "It was like I was there again. Gods it hurt. Kept hurting even after I woke up."
Ratchet was worried. The way Aurian rubbed her chest brought to mind the anomaly near her heart he had previously scanned. He wanted to get a better look at it but to do that he feared he might have to operate, something he was sure Aurian would not be willing to allow. His scans showed that it was still present and just as much of an enigma as it had been previously. "Aurian, do you have pain in your chest often?"
"No." She didn't even have to think of it. If she'd had pain in her chest like that more often there would be no denying it.
"What's wrong?" Sideswipe asked before Aurian could even register the concerned look on the medic's face.
"I need to do a blood screen." Ratchet turned his thoughts to other issues. He would start small and work up to the idea of surgery so long as Aurian did not balk and the anomaly remained inactive.
Aurian looked nervous but nodded her consent. She felt waves of comfort coming from Sideswipe as Ratchet prepared to take what he needed but even that could not subdue the tremors that shook her entire body. 'It's Ratchet not Scalpel.' She told herself. 'Ratchet not Scalpel.' The chant did little once she felt the metal brush her skin and a scream tore from her clinched jaw. There really was no pain but the sensation was all it took to trigger a whole slue of painful memories. "NO!" She shouted, jerking away.
Ratchet was not surprised by the woman's reaction, Sideswipe's however... The mech had jerked just as if Ratchet were attempting to put a needle in his own lines, pulling not only himself but Aurian away and he too looked nervous. "Sideswipe?"
Sideswipe didn't like doctors. Not so much the doctor per say, but all the things they did or could do. He'd always been nervous around them, not that he could say for sure why just that he was. However normally he could overcome most of his insecurities concerning doctors and the like so long as he knew them, such as Ratchet, or if it wasn't him that had their attentions. Why then had he reacted as though it were him? Even when Sunstreaker had been in the hands of medics he generally didn't have such a personal reaction to it. "She startled me." He tried. It didn't sound right to him but it was the only thing he could think of.
"Hmm." Ratchet considered the terrified reaction of the woman and the similar reaction in the mech that held her. "At least I have enough to do what I need to do."
Aurian sighed heavily. "Good. I don't think I could do that again...I'm sorry Ratchet. I didn't mean to scream."
"It's alright. I expected as much." His instincts had him scanning both the beings before him. "Sideswipe, how are you holding up?"
"Huh?" Thrown by the sudden switch Sideswipe couldn't put together his thoughts quick enough.
"How's your spark?" Ratchet lead on. He didn't really want to cause the young warrior pain but it was a necessary evil to determine the state of the mech's own situation.
Sideswipe caught where Ratchet was going but too late. The call for his brother was strong and it ached horribly in his chest causing pain to surge through all of his circuits. At the same moment Aurian curled up in his hand, leaning heavily on him and groaning in pain. His thoughts instantly returned to his concern for her and whatever was causing her so much discomfort. It seemed as though his attention helped sooth her pain and she began to relax. "I'm fine." Sideswipe snapped. What was Ratchet up to? "It's her I'm worried about!"
"So am I." Ratchet agreed, his processor obsessing over the strange reactions between the two. His research into human physiology told him that they could 'share' a feeling, or have empathy toward one another. There were cases especially between mothers and unborn children where the mother would show all the symptoms of something that only affected the fetus, or with lengthy connections between mated pairs that one may suffer 'sympathy pains' for the others miladies. Humans were so sensitive to things around them that they could easily be affected by strong sensations one way or the other so he was left to wonder if that could be stretched across to another species. "How did you know she was in distress?" He turned his attentions back to the mech cradling the woman.
"What?" Sideswipe didn't know what to say. Truthfully he was willing to accept the bond for what it was but how was he going to explain that to Ratchet? Sibling bonds didn't just develop between two beings, they had to actually be siblings. He couldn't explain it as anything else though. "I was coming to visit her. When I got here she was in pain so I called for you."
"I see." Ratchet still wasn't convinced that everything was as it appeared to be. It was true that Sideswipe may have simply been in the right place at the right time but it seemed that the mech was always in the right place when it came to this human. "Aurian," he did not look away from Sideswipe as he addressed the woman, "I'm afraid that there is an anomaly near your heart that I need to explore." His sensors instantly picked up her rising heart rate, his audio's perking at the faint whimpers that she struggled to keep to herself. "Unfortunately I cannot get a good reading on it through scans and I think surgery is going to be the only way to obtain a clear understanding of it."
"What?" Her voice quivered frantically at the mere thought but her reactions were not what Ratchet was interested in.
Sideswipe's own systems were accelerating with stress, intakes working overtime to cool his overheating structure.
"What is it?" Aurian asked near panic, "Is it dangerous?"
"I am unsure." Ratchet admitted, turning an apologetic look to the distressed woman, "I had intended to let it be until you were more adjusted to the idea, however current situations lead me to believe waiting may not be the best option."
"No." Sideswipe was the one to speak this time. "She's fine!" He stated loudly even as he pulled away from the medic.
"Sideswipe, that is for me to decide." Ratchet felt deep sympathy for the mech. Previously he had merely been suspicious, curious of the strange connection between the two creatures. Now it seemed as if those suspicions were true, however confounding it may be. "Aurian I want you to rest, you're body is far too stressed."
"Like I could sleep now!" Aurian snapped angrily. She was terrified! There was something wrong with her and Ratchet wanted to cut her open to find out what it was! Not to mention the mild panic she was feeling rolling off of Sideswipe. He was trying to send her waves of comfort and support but the distress he was feeling could not be hidden.
"Try." He moved faster then what Aurian could easily perceive and even Sideswipe could not react fast enough as the medic injected a sedative into her arm. "I'm sorry for that," he apologized immediately, "but I cannot allow you to continue this way. You are causing harm to yourself."
"What the Pit!" Sideswipe snarled even as the woman grew limp in his hands.
"Sideswipe. Why didn't you say something?" Ratchet was awed by what he had concluded but he was also angry. All this time Aurian was not only dealing with her own trauma but the hurt of Sideswipe's spark as well. He had suspected something earlier when Sideswipe and Aurian had been so set on being together after her rescue but he had not been able to confirm it.
"What?" His own anger dissipated some at the medic's brusque question.
"You've been causing her pain this whole time!" Ratchet snapped. He couldn't even imagine what kind of havoc this kind of sparkache was having on the human, even if it wasn't her own.
"What?!" Sideswipe was alarmed. How could he be causing her pain?
"Think about it. You can sense her pain..."
Sideswipe caught the drift of the thought but was still not completely on track, "Yeah, but she shouldn't be able to..."
"If you feel it she feels it too." Ratchet was removing the woman from Sideswipe's protective embrace. With her unconscious he was able to run the tests he had avoided for fear of causing her too much stress. This was not the way he wanted to do these things but he would take what he could get.
"But she doesn't have a spark!"
"And you don't have a heart." Ratchet retorted coolly. It confused him too but it was all too clear it was a bond and bonds worked in much the same way no matter the connection. "Look," he continued even as he began his tests, "I don't understand how the two of you have even become connected. I could almost understand her sensing your suffering, humans seem to be affected by such things in more cases then I could cite. It is common in their culture. However for one of us to sense another so intensely there must be a bond created. You are obviously displaying symptoms of such a bond with her." At this the medic turned to face the young mech, "You knew she was troubled before you even arrived here." It was accusing but not requesting any explication, "You knew that she was being held by Sideways." He went on, "You were suffering her pain when..."
"Yes! Okay, yes. I didn't know it at the time." Sideswipe didn't want to remember that pain. Even the worst of his sparkaches caused by his separation from his twin had not been a glimmer compared to the pain he had felt while Aurian had been in the clutches of the mad Decepticon field medic. "I sense her like I sense Sunstreaker. It's like...she's always been there just that I didn't know it."
"When did all this begin?" Ratchet resumed his work. The sedative was strong and with the aid of Aurian's long denied exhaustion she would likely remain unconscious for some time, however if she were caused pain she would wake once the sedative wore off.
"I don't know that I can pinpoint an exact moment but sometime between when Jolt and the idiots arrived and when she was abducted." Sideswipe couldn't help but to think of how distracted he had been when the Decepticons had ambushed him outside of Aurian's apartment. "It became clear when I was talking to you..."
"When you said she had called you her brother?" Ratchet's processor was absorbing everything. It was making sense now, all the strange reactions the young mech had had any time the woman had been concerned. Even many of the woman's own panic attacks now had cause, Sideswipe's longing for his twin was strong.
"Yeah."
"This isn't good for her." Ratchet sighed, "I can't even begin to know how the pain of your spark is affecting her."
Sideswipe ducked his head in grief and shame. He hadn't even considered how is own suffering might be felt by her. In his thoughts, she didn't have a spark so she couldn't feel sparkache. "She could feel Sunny too." He admitted miserably.
Ratchet nearly stumbled as he spun back around to face Sideswipe. "Is he close?" There was hope in his voice but there was also fear. Sideswipe would have told someone if Sunstreaker had been near so that they could do their best to reach the mech and bring him to them...but he had said nothing.
"I don't know." His own emotions were in turmoil. Aurian had sensed his brother and he was thrilled that maybe through her they could be reunited however at the same time he could not stop the sheer overpowering jealousy he felt knowing that she could sense him when he could not. "She said she had a dream. When she thought about it I could sense Sunny there...more like an echo but it was still as though he had been there."
Ratchet could hear the pain and anger in the young mech's voice. "Sideswipe..."
"I asked her to try and reach out to him. I don't know if she's tried or not but a little while ago...I thought I felt him but there was so much pain coming from her I just couldn't be sure."
"Primus." Ratchet sighed as he considered the woman laying peacefully before him. Things were getting so much more complicated by the nanoklik.
Journal entry continued; just don't get it
Honestly I would have been mad at Ratchet for his foul play but I was far more confused then upset.
During my sudden nap I dreamed of floating in an endlessness that was just boring. I know I was looking for something but I couldn't find it and that was frustrating me to no end and there was this sensation of something unfamiliar hanging over me, like a shadow or someone watching me and that annoyed me. At the same time I was curious and interested in a thing that I was looking at, or into, or...something. It's hard to explain. It was almost as if I were this thing and the one looking at it all at the same moment. So...I was annoying myself.
There was something all too familiar about the 'thing' me and I was trying to figure out what it was and the 'thing' me was trying to figure out what the 'shadow' me was doing, where I was coming from and why I felt so familiar...so very confusing.
I wanted the 'thing' me to follow the 'shadow' me back...to wherever it was I came from but the 'thing' me was insistent that I was searching for something more important and didn't want to be bothered by the 'shadow' me at all...aside from the fact that the 'shadow' me was so irkingly familiar that the 'thing' me really wanted to investigate while at the same moment was dead set against diverting from my current search.
The 'shadow' me almost felt desperate for the 'thing' me to come. "Just come see..." I remember the words. I spoke them, it was my voice, it was me but at the same time I heard them and was annoyed. "If this is just some stupid..." I said to myself dangerously. I really wanted to just ignore me but something kept telling me to listen. "I promise you won't be disappointed." I told myself feeling that I had finally succeeded in connecting something. There was a puzzle that had been solved and I hadn't even realized I was trying to put it together.
The 'thing' me was confused by this. Something interesting had to happen at the very least, so I went where the 'shadow' me was pulling from.
When I woke up I couldn't do anything but stare at the ceiling. "What the Hell was that?"
~Aurian Fae
K, just another quick note: Yes, I had Sideswipe reffering to Skids and Mudflap as 'the idiots'. I don't necessarily HATE the newer twins, actually I don't...but they're idiots. I'm sorry. ^_^ I say this with all the affection of a big sister looking at silly little brothers...though I don't think that's really the way Sides feels about them...hmmm.
At any rate! Please forgive my lateness, the further lateness of the next chapters and anything that may be wrong with this one. Thank you all for reading!!!
