This is the best day ever.
Party poppers, birthday decorations, a simple cake with a chibi Len and Kahoko in frosting. She was messing up his hair while the frosting Len had his trademark frown. It was slightly awkward, celebrating my birthday late, and with only me and Len. Seeing cake as simple as what Len brought was strange, compared to all our dates going to different cake shops. And those cake shops Kiriya brought me to abroad.
Len seemed out of it. He was calm, smiling gently, and his movements were slow as if he had all the time in the world. Which he didn't. I know that all too well. After my giggles and excited gasps, my house is silent. I look at the cake, impressed at the details. "You look so cute." I say, and look up at him.
He still has that same smile he had when he first came in. Raising his arms for a hug, I walk into them immediately, tears threatening to fall but I cannot cry. I shouldn't keep crying. I have to stop being selfish. This is his work, his dream. I have a dream, and quite frankly if Len kept crying over me going to work I'd be annoyed. Not that he would.
He kissed the top of my head and rested his chin. "Kahoko, maybe it's time." He says quietly.
What? I pull away from him to search his face. "What are you talking about?"
He sighs, his gaze to the floor. "Remember all those times where I've said I never left you?"
The tears I held back as we embraced are resurfacing, blurring my vision. He's planning to leave me.
He must have seen my eyes and my expression since he turned his back on me, refusing to look me in the eye. This must be hard for him, too. "I don't want to compete with Etou," he starts.
I'm about to say something to deny me ever loving Kiriya but nothing comes out. My lips part, more from shock than wanting to say something.
"He's the only brother I have. And I'll admit, maybe I've been too selfish, not bringing you abroad and stuff. But maybe it won't be him. You can make a new journey to self-discovery. You've been stuck with me for a long time, and I know you. You haven't changed much, and it's probably because of my selfishness." He says this with his voice completely steady.
"No!" He's not being selfish, he's being protective. He made no mistakes. I was just too pampered! But I can't blame him for all of this. "You did nothing wrong."
Finally he turns around, upset. Before I can do anything, he gives me a quick kiss on the forehead and leaves. I run after him giving a few seconds head start, yelling his name but he already got in the car. I'm there, standing in the middle of the road, doing nothing to help my current situation.
He's giving me a chance to meet new people, giving me Kiriya and time to stay away from him all at the same time. I'll be honest, during our entire relationship, there wasn't a day where I stopped thinking of him, looking for him like a crazed fan in need of his attention. Why am I only realizing this now? I cried when he wasn't there. (Which was almost all the time) Why was I always crying? Why can other people bear it? I watch my flashbacks, crying in front of the mirror because Len didn't send me a message, because he's been away for too long; any normal person would break up with him because we barely see each other. Why did I hold on for so long?
Willing myself not to cry, I ponder the answer to this question. I refuse to be the same mess I have been in since… high school. I can't believe it but I was still stupid since high school, only more equipped with knowledge and experience now. My maturity level seems to have went up by two, or five since then. I'm… I'm so… irritating.
I'm surprised at the words forming in my mind. Verbal insults to myself. I realize that being pampered has made me care more for myself than anyone else. Especially with the constant compliments, though I don't mean to brag about it.
Time away from Len. I've had so much of that. But he's severing the tie of long years of being a couple. And I'm the stupid one who suggested it times before. Being away from him for real. I laugh at the thought, not out of giddiness but of the question that formed out of many others: can I even do it? It would mean he's single. Up for grabs. But he wouldn't find someone else so soon... would he?
The past years, all I've been thinking about in my head is to make people like me. In high school, I never cared for what other people thought of me when I was only being myself. Then suddenly, the attention I received from being chosen since I could see Lili, the world entirely out of my comfort zone. A world where I was thrust into, choosing to play along with the flow and not really absorbing anything from my journey. Except that I couldn't be separated from Len. But I loved him. I guess that was the good part. That I never lied. All I really did was always think of myself. Me and Kiriya. Me and Len. Kiriya making me a model. Fame of being wanted by two violinists. I recognize I may have actually been using people for my benefit only without actually thinking of using others.
I return to the house, finish an entire glass of water and then my eyes settle on the cake.
I end up eating the whole thing while thinking depressing thoughts, soon tears fall.
So much for not being a mess.
I wake at the feeling of discomfort. Today is unusually hot. I throw off my blanket, still craving sleep. But I feel myself perspiring. I ignore it. I lay there, tossing and turning every now and again, blocking everything out, willing myself to sleep. I did that for two hours and now I sit up, and the events of yesterday come to the front of my mind. What the hell am I going to do? I think.
How does one start a new day without thinking of your boyfriend—ex-boyfriend? I go down and I get mad at myself for not cleaning up the mess I made on the table where I left the cake. I open the box where it originally was in to put it back but when I look inside it for the first time, there's a scrapbook. I flip through it and my heart seems to freeze. It's a scrapbook of me and Len's journey together, with his own comments written in careful handwriting on post-its. How does he expect me to move on so quickly with this? And what we had wasn't just a month-long relationship, it was more than five years.
A small voice in my head whispers, It didn't take long for you to kiss Kiriya in the hotel room.
Days pass and I realize I'm not good at anything. I try to socialize, and when guys actually do come up to me, they just remind me about Len or Kiriya. It's the same with anyone I bump into. "Hey, you're Len's girlfriend!" "Didn't I see you with Kiriya Eto?"
What can I do? Am I even trying? I go to love guru Mio for help. Because she's the one who understands what makes me tick and that she would never judge me.
I tell her what I've realized about myself, everything that happened with Len. She had a look of surprise and concentration when she saw me outside her gate. She hasn't been the same girly girl that dreamt of romance because she actually had a job she liked to do. And I don't even know what it's called. Nor would I like to ask because she's already said it to me eight times before. She listens to me without interrupting, it felt really weird.
After I told her all my thoughts on the situation, I felt relieved. I sigh and look at her expectantly.
Unexpectedly, she laughs it off.
"What?" I say, getting defensive.
She smiles sadly. "It's funny, how you realized all of this after your twenties."
I blink. "Wait, so you knew? All along that I was a mess?" I feel somewhat betrayed, but maybe Mio's on to something.
"You're not a mess, Kaho. Anyone that knew you back then until now would know. And don't believe for a second that you've never changed, or your maturity level stayed the same, because you are not the same girl I know." She says confidently. "You started working. Why?"
I hesitate. "Because it's what adults do?"
Mio considers this. "And?"
I think. "To be able to get money."
"So you can feed yourself," she nods. "Did you work solely for Len's or Etou's benefit?"
That's stupid. "No." I say, then slowly, I'm starting to realize it. "But... I'm also a crazed fan girl."
"A lot of people are crazed fans, Kaho." Mio says it as if it's obvious, a hint of exasperation in her tone. "Your friends and I never thought of you as a crazed fan girl. More like someone who would be willing to keep a relationship no matter how hard it was to stay in it."
All her words are drilling into my head. This is great news to me. "So then… what should I do now?"
She thinks for a moment. "What do you think you should do?"
I try to actually think of something, other than chores or other necessities that seem more like distractions from my love life. "Focus on my music?"
She nods. "Okay, that's good. You should be like Len, work hard on something you love to do. Prove to him that you're not a wreck without him."
I want to laugh at what she's saying because I am a wreck without him.
"Why does my life feel wrong, Mio?"
She sighs. "These are difficult questions. But I think I can answer it, since I've been reading romance books and mangas all my life." she jokes. "Life isn't all about love."
Life isn't all about love, I repeat in my head.
"Life is a struggle. When you were a kid, you weren't desperate for a relationship, you were playing around. Learning from mistakes, and being innocent," she continues. "You grow up and learn to fend for yourself. Reach your dreams and make your life worthwhile. What supports you unconditionally? Love. Not just romantic love of course,"
"So how is life not all about love?" I ask, trying to put two and two together.
"Because in the end, you die alone." she says bluntly.
I laugh at the sudden bluntness, but I see in her teary eyes that she's not kidding. "How do you know this? What did you read, Mio?" What book can I read to make me learn all this?
She shakes her head. "Experience," she mouths. And this time, I'm the one who'll comfort her, because apparently, she's in a much more broken state than I am in.
