Chapter 28 BPOV
I hadn't lived a terribly interesting life. Nor had I taken risks. In fact, I wasn't a risk taker. I always erred on the side of caution and I always had a plan.
Until Edward.
I stood before the proverbial fork in the road and for the first time in my life I was contemplating the road I had never taken.
The one that involved risk.
Clearly Edward was in a crisis of sorts having lost the love of his life; he was depressed, lost and definitely drunk. It was a lethal combination.
And I knew it.
But I still had a choice to make. I could walk away and try to salvage the working relationship that we had for the short term as I would be leaving soon anyway.
Or I could venture down a path I had never taken and at least finally know what it would be like to be with Edward. And that road not taken included my first time making love with someone.
Did I want to lose my virginity to a drunk and depressed man who was in love with another woman? No. But I did want to lose it to Edward, one way or the other if I had the chance.
One time.
Just for this one night.
It would have to last me forever.
Contemplating this move was not only risky but it was plain stupid. I knew that too. I was far from stupid.
But… I was in love.
And as the saying goes, love is deaf as well as blind, right?
And what was that other saying? The one about rather risking love than never having known it at all? I couldn't remember.
I was looking for reasons to do this. I had enough not to do it.
I tried to consider the possible fallout. The 'morning after' so to speak.
He could ignore me and pretend it didn't happen. He could fire me. He could be embarrassed and still fire me. He could act guilty or remorseful and continue to work with me or fire me.
I figured the chances of me being fired were pretty good.
I could live with that. I would have had to have the conversation about leaving with him soon anyway, and what would be the difference if he asked me to leave or if I did it on my own? Nothing. Just a matter of timing.
I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on calming myself so that I could come to a peaceful place and finally make a decision. I had to stop waffling.
I took in three deep breaths and exhaled them loudly. I looked at myself in the mirror.
I turned around and walked out of the bathroom, through the makeshift living room and up the stairs to Edward.
As I entered the kitchen I could hear soft music playing in the den. "Edward?" I called out as I made my way in the direction of the music. I could see a light on.
I walked into the den and looked around.
There on the couch, with one leg laid out in front of him and one foot on the floor, was Edward.
And he was asleep.
Of all the stupid fucking things I had done! Gah!
I had taken too long in my room deciding what to do and now it would never happen. So much for taking the road not travelled. I am such a bleeding idiot!
And now what was I to do?
I now knew what it was like to bask in the light that was Edward if for only a short moment. It had been more than I had ever experienced in my life. My body was still throbbing with need after only a few minutes of kissing him.
I ached for more.
I ached for him.
I threw myself on my bed and started to cry.
I was a firm believer in the idea that things happened for a reason. Sometimes we didn't know until later what it all meant, but usually there was a reason. Of course that didn't apply to death in my book. There never seemed to be a good enough reason for loved ones to die, but for most every other thing in life, I did believe in looking for the reason.
And the reason that Edward had kissed me so amazingly and so thoroughly that evening, ruining me forever for anyone else ever again? I couldn't think of one good reason. I would always compare every man to him from now on. No one would ever be good enough for me after what happened tonight. Hell, I already knew I wasn't good enough for him.
So what had been the purpose? And what would happen tomorrow?
Would he remember kissing me? Would he regret it? Would he be embarrassed?
I was mortified.
If he remembered what happened then he would remember my reaction to him; like some bitch in heat. Other than with his lips, Edward had not touched any part of my body whereas I had attacked him. My response had been strong and immediate. His had been experienced and steady. I had felt his desire as well, but I was sure mine had surpassed his by a mile.
My cheeks immediately started turning red with the memory.
I bet he thought I was easy. He had no idea that I loved him. I had never told him, never told anyone. I went out of my way not to look at him or respond to him so that no one would know my shame for loving a married man. So he couldn't know how I felt.
And after just kissing my neck I ravaged his face.
Who knew what he thought of me now.
I had no idea how I was going to handle this in the morning.
It felt weird to be contemplating this now since I had just done that recently. But those contemplations had revolved around making love with Edward, and the ramifications of that I was willing to bear so long as I got as much as I could out of it, namely that Edward would be my first and I would have that memory with me forever. I never contemplated a short make out session and what would happen afterwards.
I felt like such a hypocrite.
Tears were streaming down my face. God, I loved him so much. I could still feel his hair between my fingers and the length of his body pressed up against mine. Being held between his two arms had been nirvana, and I wanted to go back to that moment so badly.
How could I go on now knowing what I did about how it felt to be kissed by him?
How?
I couldn't.
I couldn't live here without that anymore. I just couldn't.
I buried my face in my pillow and cried in earnest.
I mourned the one thing in life that I had always wanted and now would never have. I wanted Edward so intensely that my body and mind were in meltdown. I was consumed with the memory of our kissing against the door. I could think of nothing else.
After a long while of crying, I fell asleep from exhaustion.
And of course, I dreamed of Edward.
EPOV
I no longer recognized the difference of one day to the next. Each day melted into another. The only thing that differentiated one from the other was the development of Hannah and Ethan. They had started speaking more words, walked more confidently and were in to everything.
I never drank during the day, or more importantly, any time the children were awake. I waited until they were fast asleep with no risk of them waking up. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't help myself. My self-flagellation was only endurable under the haze of alcohol. Without it, I no longer could sleep.
I tried to hide it as best I could. Normally I wouldn't even start until everyone was in bed. And once I finished a bottle I wrapped it in paper and stuffed it into the garbage bag at the bottom.
I didn't know if anyone had noticed my new vice. I hoped not. But in the end, as long as my children were not negatively impacted by it, then it was no one's business.
I had been handling my binging pretty well until recently.
The weekend of St. Patrick's Day an old friend of ours from college had called to talk to Angela. Obviously she had not known what had happened, and I had to explain the whole nightmare to her. Once I hung up I went straight to my best friend Jack and started drinking. The kids had only just gone to bed and Bella wasn't home yet; she had left to go out for dinner or something.
Yeah, I had noticed how gorgeous she looked when she left the house. The low cut black dress and high heels left little to my imagination, and truth be told I didn't need any.
I had just started thinking and obsessing about who she was going out with when I received the call. Afterwards I started drinking heavily. As was often the case, once I started drinking the time just flew by.
At one point, I found myself standing in the hallway, staring into the kitchen, remembering all the times we had sat there as a family, eating meals together. It seemed to me to be years ago, not just months. I felt Angela's absence in every room. She loved this house.
Then I heard the clicking of the keys in the door and her footsteps entering the hallway.
I turned around slowly in the darkened hallway and watched Bella take two steps into the house.
Before I had time to consider what I wanted to say the words had already left my mouth. "Sneaking back in are you?"
I heard her suck in her breath quickly. "Oh, Edward! You scared the shit out of me!"
"Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. You look like you're sneaking back into the house after doing something you weren't supposed to do."
"What? What do you mean?" she asked me.
I slowly walked over towards her. "Were you?" I asked.
"Was I what?" she asked me in return.
"Were. You. Sneaking. Back. Into. The. House?" I said, pausing after each word.
With each word I took a slow step towards her. It was as if my feet had a mind of their own, drawn to her like a magnet to its other half.
"Ah, no. I was just coming back from dinner. And now I'm going to bed." She tried to step around me but I countered her step, hindering her from passing by.
I looked at her again, this time sweeping my eyes from her head all the way down her beautiful body to her feet and up again. She was perfect in every way. I couldn't stop looking at her.
"You know, you shouldn't go out in public like that," I said. And I meant it. She looked gorgeous in that dress and I didn't want anyone to see her like that except for me.
She didn't say anything at first. She seemed to be staring at me as well, contemplating what she would say.
"I… I don't know what you mean Edward."
"You look sinful in that dress Bella, and I think you know that."
I took another step towards her, backing her closer to the front door. I hadn't a clue what I intended to do, I just knew I needed to be closer to her. She tried to move to the right again to go around me but I countered her and moved one step closer. Her back was now fully against the door. She had nowhere else to go.
I lifted both my arms up, placing them on either side of her and leaned in towards her face.
"Anyone in their right mind wouldn't let you out of their sight in that dress. Who were you out with tonight, Bella? Paul? Jake? Someone new?"
I had to know who she had been with. She should only be with me, not one of those foolish young idiots that she had been dating before. She was too good for them. Truthfully, she was too good for me. But the Jack Daniels had given me the liquid courage I needed to move forward.
I leaned in closer to her face and ran the tip of my nose up and down her right cheek, inhaling her scent deeply. "God, you smell so good!"
I moved closer still, feeling my lips being pulled to the side of her neck. Before I realized what I was doing, I was kissing the side of her neck. It was the softest skin I had ever felt against my lips. Like rose petals, soft and infused with a heady perfume.
"Do you have any idea how you have driven me insane since the first moment I met you?" I whispered against her skin.
I slowly moved to the other side of her neck. She moved her head with me, giving me better access to her throat. I kissed her up and down her neck, slowly luxuriating in the softness and Heaven that was uniquely her. As I moved my mouth slowly up her neck again, I felt her ear lobe rub slightly against my nose, so I reached up with my mouth and sucked on it gently. Then I moved my mouth over to her cheek, leaving a light kiss there and backed my head away from her slightly so I could look into her eyes.
She looked at me just as intensely. Damn, she was gorgeous. Everything from her deep brown eyes to the curious expression of her eyebrows. Her hair hung softly around her face and I longed to put my hands into her long tresses, but I didn't trust myself. Somehow kissing her without touching her seemed allowed. If I touched her I was afraid this dream would end.
And that's all this was.
A dream.
Never in million years would Bella let me kiss or touch her. I knew that.
Surely she looked at me as an older, married father and hadn't the least bit of interest in me.
Not only did the Jack Daniels gave me the courage to dream this dream, it also let me fantasize in a way that felt so real.
"Bella," I whispered her name, afraid that if I said it too loudly I might wake myself from this heady slumber. "Bella," I said it again, loving the way it rolled off my tongue.
In my fantasy, I stared at her lips and she let me.
I tried to imagine what she would taste like. I knew she would be delicious, like no other woman before her. I was desperate to kiss her.
Just once.
Just one time.
I had to know what it was like even if it was only a dream. It just seemed so real.
I leaned my head closer to her lips and brushed them softly with my own. I groaned silently. Never had I felt anything so soft and warm and inviting. If ambrosia was of this earth then surely it was Bella's lips.
I started to suck on her upper lip and then moved to her lower one. She countered my kiss perfectly, mirroring my actions. Then I softly moved my tongue into her heavenly mouth, lightly stroking hers. The moment our tongues met, I lost all control I previously had and moved my entire body over hers, pressing her into the door. I couldn't touch her with my hands, but my body had other ideas.
The electrical pulse of our connection flowed through my body and burned me from within. I could feel my raging erection pressing against her stomach and I didn't care. This is how it was supposed to be; uncontrolled, raging and passionate.
I felt her hand move up my chest, over my shoulders and into my hair. If I could have cried in ecstasy in that moment I would have. Never had I felt such arousal and need for a woman before. Never. The more she played with my hair, the harder my erection became. I needed to be inside her. Now.
And since I was going to Hell anyway…
I moved my head to the side in an attempt to deepen our kiss, and at the exact time I felt Bella do the same. Our mouths were all over each other, doing a timeless dance that could end only in the union of our bodies. I was hungry for her and she seemed to feel the same about me.
I could hear her little whimpers against my mouth and then realized that I was groaning rather loudly as well.
It felt too good.
I never wanted this feeling to end.
I couldn't remember the last time I had dreamt of her so explicitly, it felt so real.
Stop overanalyzing your dream you idiot; just go with it!
"God help me, I want you Bella," I whispered to her.
And of course my dream Bella responded to me, "I want you too, Edward."
Did life get any better than hearing those words from her? I didn't think so.
I slowed down our kissing until I stopped altogether. I wanted her and I wanted her now. I didn't want to wait anymore and this was my dream so I could do whatever it was that I wanted.
We were both breathing heavily into each other's mouth. All I could think about was how I wanted to be kissing her again, but not against the door. I wanted to lay her down on something soft and explore her body as well as her mouth.
I kissed her one more time very gently.
"Why don't you go into the living room for a minute? I need to go to the bathroom quickly and I want to take my shoes off," she told me.
"Sure, sure." I kissed her again, this time a little more forcefully. "Hurry back, ok?" I told her. Every minute away from her would be agony tonight.
"Ok," she said.
Then she walked to the stairs and went to her room.
I turned around in the hallway and felt myself stumble a little. I put my hand up against the wall to steady myself. Wow, either I was drunk from kissing Bella, or I was drunk period.
I made my way into the den and turned the small lamp on. Then I went over to the stereo and turned it on. It was already set to a nice soft rock station and I hadn't the wherewithal to search for anything else. I was lucky I had found the 'on' switch.
Should I stand here waiting for her? Or would it be ok if I sat down?
My fuzzy thoughts dictated that I should at least sit down while I waited.
So that's what I did.
As I sat there, I thought about Bella. I wondered if she really kissed like that in real life, because if she did, I would be in more trouble than I could possibly comprehend.
I felt my head start to loll against the back of the couch. I moved my left leg up on the couch and adjusted myself more into a half laying position.
Maybe I would just close my eyes for a minute. Dreaming was better with your eyes closed, right?
I could feel the room spinning slightly.
"Bella," I said softly to myself.
When I opened my eyes again it was light outside.
A/N
I feel awful that last week I forgot to thank my new beta Lulabelle98 for her mad skills. She is just wonderful and as I mentioned previously had re-edited the entire story. So thank you so much! Shout out of course to my partner in crime Parama without which ATR would not exist. And to all our loyal followers you make taking the time to do this story so worth it. We appreciate every comment and review. Any of you who have not received a response it is because you have your personal messages turned off. ATR made Underfictionated rec list this week…YEAH! Thank you!
