Raelynn left her room the next morning, her day completely planned out. She walked down the stairs, ignoring everyone else that was there like Carl and Rick and headed straight for the kitchen. She opened the refrigerator and grabbed a soda, immediately cracking it open as she tipped it back like it was one of her favorite beers. She took a nice swig of it as she walked out of the door and didn't bother saying bye to Carl as he called to her or even close the door behind her. Her mind was in a haze, a blur and she didn't notice.
Not even the bright light from the outside morning could wake her brain up or stir her from this dream like state. But it couldn't - wouldn't - stop her, she had shit to do that day. Carol came to her earlier in the day and told her to go on a supply run with her. The first thing Raelynn asked her regarding it was if her Majesty was okay with it - like her damn mother. Asking for permission in caution - not so much fear - of what would happen next. It sounded horrible coming out of her mouth but Carol couldn't - or wouldn't - tell. She told Raelynn that Deanna was fine with it - in fact, she encouraged it so that Raelynn would be going back to her duties even though she wasn't off of probation until tomorrow. She was slowly being rehabilitated. Fucking perfect.
So, the two decided to meet by the gates and that's where she was headed. She walked towards the steps of the porch and sipped her soda again. She needed the damn caffeine with the lack of sleep. She walked down the steps and took a step toward the rubble of the street, to only look up from her halfway done can of soda and see a very familiar face and two very warm stormy blue eyes. He stood in front of her, mid walk toward the house and crossed his arms over his chest. She thought about running; she thought about walking past him and ignoring him. So many cruel and unfeeling actions ran through her mind in that millisecond of feeling those piercing blue eyes stare at her. She could see just as many emotions and actions run through his but Daryl didn't move. He didn't leave and neither did she. Her throat was closed though, drying up despite just having been quenched by the chilly soda. She didn't know if she would be able to talk and they would just stand there for hours or he would get tired of it and leave her alone. If she knew him at all, he wouldn't leave. She watched as he uncrossed his arms and tucked his hands into his jean pockets.
"Hey," he said gruffly, "Can we talk?" Again, she thought about saying no. It was easier for her thoat to soften for that much and let out a 'no' and leave him there in front of the house. But she couldn't. She wouldn't. He, of all people, didn't deserve that. She nodded because her throat was still making up its mind. She knew she had to go to see Carol and go on the supply run. But, in that moment, she knew it had to wait. Because some things were more important. He nodded, as if acknowledging her acceptance and jerked his head to the side. Raelynn nodded when she understood that he wanted to go somewhere else. The two were very much similar in that respect, they didn't like their dirty laundry out in the open for all to see. She followed to the side of the house, towards the back and away from the prying eyes of the community. Raelynn leaned against the wall while he stood up straight across from her, his hands still in his pockets. She wondered if she would have the guts to say something first. She took a look at his eyes looking at her, practically cutting their way to her soul and she knew she didn't have the guts actually. At least, her throat was still making up its mind about letting Daryl have the time of day. So, he spoke first.
"I shouldn't 'ave said what I did the other day," he said, looking at her, "It was outta line." Well, she thought, there was such a thing as Southern hospitality and humility. Then she quickly corrected herself. It wasn't just that. Daryl is like that naturally - he felt bad about it. Just like she did then. She felt horrible hearing him apologizing.
"Don't," she said, finally relieved that her throat loosened up and let her speak, "Don't apologize." She watched as Daryl's brows furrowed and his hands crossed over his chest.
"Why not?" he asked. She straightened her back, no longer leaning against the wall. She sighed.
"Because you don't have to," she said, "You had every right to say what you said. It's a free country isn't it?" She tried to make it sound funny, to let out a laugh and they could forget it all happened. So they could go back to either completely ignoring each other or completely - whatever they had before. She didn't know which one she preferred more or which would be easier. But Daryl didn't laugh; he just watched her.
"'Course I didn't," he said, "It was outta line. I'm sorry." Again, she sighed and ran her fingers through her hair.
"You didn't have to apologize," she repeated, "You were right, about everything." He didn't say anything for a moment, maybe two. He just looked at her, as if he was looking for the lie in her expression. But he saw none and he was confused. He had no idea what she meant by everything.
"You were right," she said, "About being a quitter, about caring, about running. You were right about it all. So, don't apologize, Daryl. You were right." He approached her gently, taking one step toward her. She felt more like shit. The way he smiled, the way his eyes softened - it made her slightly annoyed because it was like he was making fun of her. She knew that wasn't the case - it was more playful than anything but still. It still made a weird tingling feeling in the pit of her stomach. The same with Deanna and Abraham but more fluttery. Like a butterfly fluttering up to her mind and clouding all her rational thoughts. So, she decided not to look at him but it didn't seem to discourage him. He reached and with his index finger and thumb under her chin, lifted her head to meet his gaze. His stormy blue eyes looked to be warmer than usual, like a calm flowing ocean and she tried not to look away or else she would feel slightly weak at the knees and wouldn't be able to go on the supply run later. That and she didn't want to feel anymore weak than she already did. But he nudged her, shaking her chin gently.
"Hey, look at me," he said and she did, reluctantly but she did, "You wanna know somethin'?"
"What?"
"When I met ya back in that pharmacy, I thought ya were one of 'em girls that cry and beg when guns point at ya," he said and she couldn't help but scoff with a smirk. Raelynn? One of those girls? Blasphemy. He smirked too and continued, "But ya held your ground. For a minute there, I really thought you were gonna pull that trigger."
She figured it was safe then and said with a smirk, "Scared of me, huh?" He scoffed and nudged her again.
"Hey," he muttered with a smirk "You're a strong person, Rae. I didn't mean a word I said, alright? Ya ain't a quitter 'nd ya ain't a monster. You're a warrior. Don't you forget that." Raelynn didn't respond but her head automatically nodded. He nodded and took his hand away from her chin, his hands at his sides again.
"So," he said, "We good now?"
Instead of answering him with words, she did it with action. Leaning closer, she looked up at him and then planted her lips firmly on his. While taken aback for a moment, Daryl responded by angling his head slightly and kissed her back gently, unsure of what exactly to do with his hands. He opted it was safe to place his hands on her arms, sweeping his hands up her arms carefully like a soft whisper, a tickle . Their mouths moved against each other's like passionate and sweet caresses for a moment. She slowly pulled away and nodded. Daryl noticed something different in her eyes but couldn't quite pinpoint what it was. And his mind was too fried from the kiss to try and decipher it.
"We're good now." The two shared a soft - if not awkward - laugh with each other and it wasn't until she heard the gate begin to move in the distance when her face turned serious again.
"Shit," she said, "I gotta go, supply run with Carol."
"Go on," he said, "I'll see ya when ya get back." She shook her head.
"Don't wait up," she protested, "Won't be back 'till late. Get some rest, you look like shit punched you in the face." He chuckled and pushed at her gently.
"Stop hangin' 'round Abraham," he teased. She chuckled and the two said goodbye. Raelynn made it in time to catch up to Carol who had already got her machete and a gun just in case. She tucked the gun into her rucksack and the two were off out of Alexandria.
There's this conflicting feeling in the world. The feeling that you finally get comfortable to something and when you leave it, you feel this sense of anxiety and paranoia. You feel this sense of unease grab at you so you can't breathe and it only stops when you go crawling back to your comfort zone. But the thing is that the same place that now terrified you and filled you with dread used to be your comfort zone; that thing that you knew and you knew it like the back of your hand. But now that you went back to it after being away from it so long, it was like seeing the boogieman come out from under your bed. That's how Carol felt then, like the outside was the monster that she tried so hard to put it back in the closet where it belonged. She felt her heart speed up and the blood pump in her veins with every step because she didn't want to kill anymore. That was the main reason, the sense of taking a life now terrified her and she couldn't exactly pinpoint where this notion finally stuck in her mind but now it stayed and didn't leave. So, when she looked at Raelynn who was walking by her side, it was like she was looking at herself from just a few months ago. Raelynn felt the eyes on her and turned to the older woman.
"What's up?" she said, "Something wrong?" Carol shook her head as they walked down the road, toward the nearby railroads that Raelynn knew was just about an hour away. From the railroad, Carol said that there were some stores that Deanna wanted checked out because there were some medical supplies there.
"No," Carol said, "Nothing wrong. Just thinking."
"Penny for your thoughts then." Raelynn didn't know why she said that but it came out of her mouth before she could stop. She didn't know if she wanted to hear her thoughts or not.
"How have your nightmares been?" Carol asked.
"Something tells me that's not what you were thinking." Carol smiled and shook her head.
"No, you're right," she said, "Rude of me to ask." The two walked in silence for two hours and Raelynn unsheathed her machete to keep it close to her. The sun burned down on them, blazing against her skin like it trying to melt it and reach her soul. Maybe it knew her heart. Her cold black heart. Raelynn sighed and after a few moments of more silence with just the sound of the metal from the railroads to be used as music, she bit her tongue and glanced at Carol.
"They've been gettin' better," she said softly, "The nightmares, I mean. Still don't sleep much but when I close my eyes, I don't see him as much."
"What do you see?" It would be cheesy and crap to say that she saw Daryl when she closed her eyes, sometimes even Carl or even Tara. While it was crap, it was also completely true. She did see them when she closed her eyes and she could even smell Daryl's motor oil and cigarette smell without him being there. But that's not usually what she saw, she would see them on a good day. What she thought mattered to both of them in the context of the conversation were the bad days.
"Nothing," she said, "Absolutely nothing, just black."
"It's a start," Carol said, "You'll get better." Raelynn, after they walked for another half an hour in silence and on the railroad, wondered if what Carol said were true. If she would ever truly feel better.
Not too long after, the two arrived at the small circuit of stores lined up ready for the pickings. Surprisingly, there weren't any big threat of walkers in these parts. A few stragglers that were easily - if not a mockery to them - disposed of and tossed to the side. Nothing major, as if destiny was on their side and they were meant to get there without any trouble. It would only expand the imagination of what were to lie behind the walls of these stores, which made Carol only slightly uneasy. More walkers or another group of people that already claimed the area as theirs. She glanced over at Raelynn and saw that her machete was up and ready for combat. She watched as Raelynn made her way over the store next to the store that said 'Pharmacy' and took a look at the lock that was on it. Carol went over to her as she fiddled with the lock.
"What are you doing?" Carol asked, "We're here for medical supplies. We should go to the Pharmacy." Gripping her machete, she slashed it down at chain connected to the lock and the rusted steel broke off and the chains fell down with it to the ground. Raelynn would have been lying if she didn't feel a sense of dread hit her core when she felt the chain against her skin. But she didn't want to admit it to Carol. As she began to pry open the door, she nodded above her, at the sign of the store.
"It's a damn corner store," she said, "They got tons of useful shit in there. You go on in the pharmacy, I'll catch up." She finally took it off and walked over the chained off pharmacy and took off the lock just as she did for the corner store. She came back to other store and opened the door.
"Are you sure?" asked Carol and Raelynn nodded, "Yeah, I'll just raid this place and head over to you." Without much protest or else to say, Carol agreed and took out her gun and turned toward the pharmacy with her flashlight in her other hand. Raelynn headed into the corner store with her machete in hand while Carol went into the pharmacy.
In the pharmacy, Carol moved her flashlight over the store as she scanned the aisles for the place where the prescriptions were held. There were some aisles with topical ointments, vitamins and even bandages ranging in size. She stocked up on some of these and but she really wanted was behind the counter. After finding in the back of the store, she headed over to it and she could have sworn she heard bustle on the other side of the wall. It was probably Raelynn from the other side and it concerned her slightly. But Raelynn was a big girl; she could handle herself. Carol hopped onto the counter and slide over to the other side where there was a vast amount of prescriptions just lying there for the taking. She opened up her bag and began to stuff it with as much as she can handle. She could hear more bustle and then a crash from the other side of the wall and she looked up from her full bag. Carol felt her heart race and the sweat begin to form on her temple. What on earth was going on on the other side of the wall? She zipped up her bag and put it back on her shoulders to head out and see what was wrong with Raelynn. In the corner of her eye, she saw movement and took out a knife she had handy. She moved from behind the counter back to the aisles and saw the same movement again coming from the front of the store, near the large windows.
She headed towards it, only to see if the movement was a living person or not. The more she got closer, the more movement and the more her heart began to beat against her chest. It was only when she heard the groans coming from the same corner that she felt a weight lift from her shoulders. Her eyes focused on the walker that was waking up from its unconscious state, its fingers snapping up towards Carol. She couched down and plunged the knife into the walker's head and it slumped down. There was even more commotion on the other side and Carol straightened up and headed out of the pharmacy greeted with the sun making its daily descent.
She turned her head to see Raelynn, huffing and puffing slightly as she leaned against the wall of the store, taking out a cigarette from her bag and shoving it in her mouth. Her face was grim, it was annoyed and everything in between. Carol grew concerned - possibly even more when she saw her clothes were slightly tattered and ripped.
"What happened?" she asked, "I heard some commotion from the other side of the wall. Are you alright?" Raelynn took a long drag of the cigarette as her scowl seemed to grow deeper like the furrow of her brows.
"Bullshit is what happened," she said sharply, "I lost my goddamn machete."
"How?"
"I went in there and there were a few walkers scattered about. Took care of them no problem and grabbed a few things like some canned food and drinks. Even found some more smokes. I didn't know there were some more of those fuckers - more than I can handle. For a tiny store, there were a shit ton of hiding places for them. I started to take them out but my machete got stuck in some walker's skull. They were closing in and I couldn't get my freaking machete out. Didn't want my neck to be their last meal either. So I took the best option and left it, took my shit and left the place." Raelynn took another drag of her cigarette and kicked at the wall in frustration. Carol didn't say anything, mainly because she didn't know what to say. While she didn't know how Raelynn got ahold of the machete, she knew that it meant a lot to her. It was obviously hard on her to have it lost to the walkers inside the shop. She heard Raelynn sigh and saw her shake herself slightly.
"Whatever," muttered Raelynn and shrugged on her rucksack, "Let's get back before it gets too dark." As much as Carol wanted to get it back for her, she understood that it wasn't smart for her alone to take out the amount of walkers with a knife and a gun. So, with the loss in the atmosphere, the two headed down toward the railroad with their mission complete. As the two walked in silence down the railroad, Carol looked over at Raelynn.
"Hey," she said, "You did good." Raelynn breathed the nicotine from her cigarette, held it in so it fill in her every pore and cell and then let it out in a soft cloud of grey.
"You know," Raelynn said, "I've been hearin' that a lot lately. Find it more hard to believe every time." Carol laughed.
"It's true," Carol replied, "You've done really well. You've changed from the first time I met you. That's good."
"Thanks mother." Raelynn didn't mean for that to come out as bitchy or mean, or maybe she did. She couldn't make up her mind about how she felt about changing. Has she changed? She didn't know. Carol seemed to understand her sarcasm and the two shared a laugh.
"You remind me a lot of myself," Carol said, her voice soft and calm. Just like a mother's relaxing voice, "If I got through it, so can you. You'll get through this and you'll change even more." Raelynn took the last drag of her cigarette, crushing it with her foot as they neared the end of the railroad toward the main road, "We'll see about that."
Daryl rolled his motorcycle into Aaron's garage and finished one last rub down with the dirty rag he had with him. He made sure the knobs were well tightened and it was ready to go in the morning when he and Aaron would go on their first recruitment since the failure of the three women. Deanna said that with Carol and Raelynn bringing in supplies, they would be well stocked to take a few more mouths to feed, if they were deemed good and worthy of such a task. Daryl rolled down the garage door and headed back home. Home, that's what it was. It was beginning to feel comfortable and even homey when compared to the first day there when they opted to sleep on the first floor bunched up with blankets on the floor. He couldn't exactly pinpoint where it started to actually feel like home - maybe when he got his room or gave in the glories of the occasional shower. It just did.
He walked up the porch and the day was already gone, it was plenty dark that lights were on inside the house. He went inside the house to see Rick with Carl and baby Judith. Rick met his gaze when he walked in and nodded in greeting at him.
"Hey," Daryl said, "Everythin' okay?" Rick nodded.
"Yeah," he said, "Just about to put Judith to bed." Rick handed Judith to Carl and told him to take her upstairs with him (Daryl muttered, "Night lil' asskicker.") Without a word, Carl went up the stairs and Daryl looked back at Rick.
"Ya know if Carol and Rae got back yet?" Again, despite Daryl's hopes, Rick shook his head.
"No," he said, "Not yet. Watch is keepin' an eye out. I'm sure they'll be back soon."
Daryl nodded and took his crossbow off of his shoulders. His shoulders seemed to slump slightly as he muttered a good night to his friend and brother in combat, Rick. He knew they would be back, Daryl reasoned as he headed to his room on the first floor, down a small hallway. He didn't want the room at first, but Rick insisted on it saying that it was there and he should use it. He put his crossbow by his bedside and sat down on his bed. He just didn't know when Carol and Raelynn would be back. That was most important to him now, when they would be back. That's when it hit him. Maybe it was Raelynn that made this place a little more tolerable, more comfortable. Maybe. Or maybe it was a mixture of all of them. Carol, Rae, Rick, Carl. All of them. Maybe, he didn't know for sure. He thought about staying up until she came back; she wasn't going to sleep anyway even though he wished that she did. He knew she couldn't yet. He thought about staying up and making sure she was okay. But he respected her wishes too. So, he thought back to earlier that day and with a small smirk and worry in his head, he laid down with his clothes on, closed his eyes and slept.
