A/N: We are but humble story tellers and are appealing to you, our fantastic readers, for forgiveness.
We know there has been a long delay in this update and we apologise whole heartedly for that.
Unfortunately, there have been various factors that have knocked us back, like deadlines and that old chestnut, real life which has thrown some road blocks in along the way.
We hope that this more than makes up for your long wait and hope that the updates will once again, be more regular from here on in.
- Shelbylou & Smartkid 37 -
Waking came as a surprise, since he hadn't realized that he'd even fallen asleep. Damn it! He hadn't meant to let that happen! Moving his neck to ease the crick, he'd now created by his ill-gotten nap; Gibbs rose up off the couch and glanced at his watch. Damn it! Three hours? He and Tim had gotten back here from breakfast around seven and by the time Tim had gotten everything out that he'd needed to let Gibbs in on, or wanted to, anyway and they'd talked about it all, it had been close to nine. After sending Tim up to the master bedroom to get some sleep, the Team Leader had tried to think of where to go from here with the struggling young man. Now, here it was noon and Ducky should be here any minute.
"Ah, Jethro, I see you're finally awake." Ducky's voice startled him from the doorway of his own living room.
Wordlessly, Gibbs took a minute to shove the shock at the M.E.'s unexpected presence down. Finally, he managed to ask the first question that came to his mind. "Duck. How long've you been here?"
"I arrived about thirty minutes ago, Jethro. I thought it wise to come check on the both of you since Autopsy currently has no residents. You obviously needed the rest as much as Timothy so there was no sense in waking you."
"Thanks. How's McGee?" Gibbs asked without even thinking about it.
"Timothy is sleeping just fine. I've seen no signs of troubled dreams."
Gibbs nodded that he understood and took himself to the kitchen with Ducky at his heels. Pouring himself a cup of freshly brewed coffee, he turned to his friend and offered his thanks for the coffee Ducky obviously started brewing for him.
"You're quite welcome. Tell me, how did it go with Timothy after breakfast this morning?" the older man inquired earnestly.
"I never realized how much crap he'd been holdin' inside all this time, Duck." Gibbs' answer was chock full of sadness for all that his youngest agent had indeed been holding inside all this time.
"Depending on just what it is you are referring to, Jethro, I'd venture to say that Timothy most likely has held a lot more in than he's allowed you or any of us to see even now."
"What are you talkin' about?"
"Jethro, it would help if you would fill me in on what it is you are referring to, first."
As Gibbs filled the M.E. in on where Tim's head had taken him lately, Ducky couldn't help but marvel at how the young man's mind was peeling off the layers of pain, obviously trying to purge it in stages. He had no doubt that Timothy was most likely frightened by the method in which his brain was operating through this maze on a subconscious level and hoped the young man would not continue to try to navigate his way alone.
Almost in tandem with the last of what Gibbs had to say, Tim appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, looking like a little kid in search of something he'd lost.
"Timothy, come and sit. You need to eat something." Ducky requested as Gibbs got up and opened the refrigerator.
"Relax, Jethro. I have already prepared a lunch for the both of you. Soup and a deli sandwich. Eat up, gentlemen." He said as he took the already dished up plates/bowls of food from the warm oven and set them on the table before them.
"Thanks, Ducky." Tim offered as he slowly began to eat. He was hungry but he was also embarrassed at being the center of all this attention; attention he wasn't used to having. Suddenly needing things to get back to normal, Tim began to eat just a little faster so he'd be ready when Gibbs headed back to work.
"McGee. What's your hurry?" Gibbs asked him as he watched the young man begin to almost inhale his food.
"Wanna be ready when you head back to work, Boss."
"Timothy…"
"I need to go back to work. I've rested. I've eaten and now I need to get back to work; being on the team; pulling my own weight." Tim reasoned out stubbornly.
Ducky and Gibbs looked at each for a minute before they both came to the same decision. "All right, young man. But, we will be keeping an eye on you." Ducky warned.
"I know, Ducky." Tim answered the M.E. with understanding. "And I appreciate it. I really do."
"We still need to talk about you taking off in the middle of the night, McGee." The boss reminded him.
"I know." Tim answered patiently.
"All right, slow down. We'll head in when you're done." Gibbs ordered.
Tim nodded and calmed his motions, once again taking the time to enjoy his food.
Twenty minutes later found Ducky on his way out to run an errand for himself. As Tim and the boss got settled into Gibbs' car, with Tim riding shotgun, silence immediately settled between them for a long minute as Gibbs drove them back toward work. Finally, just when Tim thought he'd go mad from the quiet, Gibbs broke into it. "McGee, I don't want you staying with Tony anymore."
"Boss?" Tim asked in shock.
"You're not sleeping, Tony's holding himself responsible for you and losing sleep and you're disappearing in the middle of the night."
Tim turned to face the window, trying to hide his guilt and shame. He hadn't realized he was causing so many problems for Tony and he'd definitely had no idea that Tony would shoulder the blame for this. That wasn't supposed to happen. But if Tim just stopped staying there, chances were Tony would take that personally and Tim didn't want to happen either.
Gibbs knew that Tim was going to assume guilt for what he'd just told him and decided that maybe the young man thinking about what his actions were doing to his teammate; even unintentionally; might do Tim some good. It certainly would take his mind off everything else inside his head. The kid wanted normal and thinking about everyone else was normal for Tim on any given day to begin with. The rest of the ride in was completed in silence as one man began burying himself under more guilt and the other thought it best to let him think things through.
As the quiet pair made their way to the squad room and went to their respective desks, the quiet between them seemed to settle into something less than pleasant. Gibbs found himself second-guessing his choice to let Tim have time to think about what he'd said to him. Tim wished he'd get something right, just once.
"McGee…" the boss started to speak on the subject one last time.
"Hello, McGee." Ziva greeted as she entered the squad room and took her place behind her desk. Gibbs."
"Hey, Ziva." Tim quietly greeted before he turned from looking at his boss and teammate to go through his emails.
"Ziva." Gibbs almost growled in return, aggravated at her untimely interruption.
His chance to check behind himself on his decision with Tim now gone, he glanced over at his younger agent now lost in his own little world again, and then turned his attention to his own work. Tony was the last to arrive and cheerfully greeted Gibbs while shooting angry glares at Tim's back and at Ziva as well.
Still in his own world of computer searches, Tim seemed oblivious to Tony's arrival, which only seemed to spur the Senior Field Agent's anger. With a loud exclamation of irritation, Tony dug into the case file in front of him and silently got busy.
The afternoon progressed quietly, but not without a lot of fiery anger shooting from Tony's eyes to both Tim and Ziva. Gibbs was barely holding on to his tolerance and when an hour had gone by with no sign of Tony's anger losing its' grip, the boss had had enough.
"DiNozzo! With me!" Gibbs growled as he passed by the young man's desk, headed to the elevator; coffee cup in hand.
Tony threw down his pen and stormed after the boss, shooting one more death glare at Ziva as he went.
Once inside the boss' office', Gibbs looked his Senior Field Agent eye to eye. "Something on your mind, DiNozzo?"
"Are you serious?" Tony asked incredulously, as If he Gibbs should already know the answer
"DiNozzo!" the boss warned.
"Boss, Ziva's bright ideas have got Probie repeatedly disappearing in the middle of the night instead of talking to someone! Why can't he just talk to me? "
"Do you?"
"Do I what?"
Do you talk to him?"
"I'm not followin' you."
Gibbs pulled out his phone, "You busy? Good. Meet me out front by the bench. Got a patient for ya." Snapping his phone shut, Gibbs flipped the elevator back on, sending the machine down to the floor with the front entrance on it.
"Boss?"
"C'mon, let's get some fresh air." Was all Gibbs would say as they rode in silence and walked outside and into the fresh air. While talking had never been Gibbs' strong suite, this silence was very uncomfortable.
When Tony saw Ducky, he mentally head slapped himself. He should have seen this one coming.
"Hey, Ducky." He greeted the M.E. before either of the other two could say anything.
"Anthony. Jethro. Is there a problem?" the M.E. questioned with concern.
"If you consider the smoke comin' outta DiNozzo's ears a problem, then yeah, we've got a problem, Duck." Gibbs answered dryly.
"Oh? What seems to be the problem?"
"Ask DiNozzo. He's all yours, Duck. DiNozzo, when you come back to your desk, leave your attitude at the door."
"Yes, Boss." Tony answered meekly as he plopped down on the bench.
Heading back inside, Gibbs gave some thought to Tony's anger. The guy did have a point, somewhat. Then again, there was plenty that Tony didn't share with the team, including undercover missions that almost got him killed and had almost the entire team grieving for him unnecessarily. The boss remembered that the only one of them all to have held out any belief at all that it hadn't been Tony in that car when it had blown up that day, had been Tim. Tim's spark of hope had infused Gibbs with the energy as well as enough hope to keep going that day. He never did thank his junior agent for that. Maybe he should have.
Reaching the squad room once again, Gibbs found Tim and Ziva silently working in peace and quiet; both of them looking relaxed and engrossed in what they were working on. Hoping to get things back on as even a keel as possible, the boss got back to work in silence, choosing to enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasted. Tim seemed fine now although there was no doubt he'd be having trouble once his mind slowed down from the grind of concentrating on work. Having been given a dose of responsibility for actions that hadn't been deliberately done to cause problems; would no doubt create problems in the young man's mind. Unfortunately, this was something Tim didn't need and Gibbs was mentally head-slapping himself now for taking this road with him.
It was nearly an hour later before Tony returned to his desk and when he did, the fury was gone from his eyes and understanding seemed to have taken its' place. Gibbs was relieved and grateful for the change. This was hard on the Senior Field Agent and Gibbs was aware of that but he didn't want to be the bad guy in the middle of all this; when no one knew how to help Tim any more than they'd already been doing. He needed Tony to understand that Tim wasn't doing any of this to hurt him or even cause trouble for him or their friendship.
He didn't need his team torn apart by this any more than it already had been. He hated that Tim wasn't ready to go back out into the field yet, but he understood it. Truth be told; he wasn't sure he'd send him back out there even if he was cleared for it.
By the time six o'clock came around, Gibbs was more than ready to let his team go for the night. He'd meant what he'd said earlier about Tim not staying with Tony but he hadn't meant it to cause problems for either of the young men or their working relationship or friendship. He wasn't sure how Tony would take it but it was highly likely, knowing Tim; that the youngest of the two expected the Senior Field Agent to not take it very well at all. The boss decided to take the bull by the horns and just deal with the fallout as it came. He'd dealt with worse situations before and this time, he'd tread carefully but firmly, guiding them along the route to pushing past this before they got bogged down in it any worse.
"Tony. Ziva. Go home." Gibbs offered in something less than his normal barking order.
As expected, Tony immediately looked at the boss with confusion and even a bit of aggravation. "Boss?"
"McGee's still got work to do. You two go on, head out and get a good night's sleep."
Tim finally looked up from his work and looked around him and noticed Tony standing behind his desk looking most unhappy and even a little confused. That dark look on Tony's face had his gut telling him that Tony was currently ticked at the unresolved issue of him disappearing from Tony's house in the middle of the night; not once, but twice. This realization had Tim up on his feet and over at Tony's desk quicker than he could even think about what he was doing.
Once at Tony's desk, he perched himself on the edge closest to Tony's chair and looked his partner eye to eye.
"Tony. You don't have to worry. I'm okay. I'm really sorry that I've caused problems for you. That was the last thing I wanted to have happen. I really appreciate you being there for me and I hope you can forgive me." Tim said quietly before he stood back up, smiled at Tony; walked back toward his own desk.
Tim grabbed his coffee cup before continuing on through the squad room toward the break room and walked out. Gibbs looked Tony over as the younger man allowed what his teammate had just told him to process and take hold; his relaxing shoulders and loosening lines of tension in his face giving evidence of that.
Only after Tony looked at him and nodded his acceptance of things being okay with Tim, did Gibbs nod in return and head out of the squad room with his own empty coffee cup, in need of his own refill of the real stuff flowin' through his veins. The idea of seeing what was going on with Tim since he'd been so quiet all day, wasn't bad either.
Tim sat lost in his thoughts while allowing the warmth of his fresh coffee to permeate his hands as they remained wrapped around the cup. The work day was over. Hearing Gibbs tell Tony that Tim still had work to do had startled him but had also warmed him as he realized that this was Gibbs' quiet way of asserting his decision that the two guys not stay together anymore. He knew Gibbs didn't really have any more work for him to do.
Truth be known, Tim was worried even though this night seemed to be headed exactly where he'd wanted to be ever since this whole nightmare had started. The idea of staying under the boss' roof had seemed to give him the biggest sense of being safe and looked after he could find. Even now, after being almost settled back into what his life used to be, Tim still couldn't help but feel comforted by this turn of events.
In fact, at this point of where things were at for him, Tim was genuinely relieved at this decision from Gibbs. It had taken every ounce of self-control and inner strength to keep his head in the game today. Thankfully, he'd been able to hide behind the façade of being lost in his computer world, all the while he'd been struggling to deal with the newest onslaught of inner turmoil that refused to stay settled or hidden.
Thankfully, none of what Tim was struggling to keep at bay, had anything to do with him being made to feel badly about himself as a person. It had done before all this had started but now? Now he had other things to worry about. Truth be told, it was the brief conversation that he'd had with Gibbs about his mother that had left the sinister tendrils of memories and thoughts about the whole mess, weaving through his mind. They were slowly making their way through the crevices of deliberate ignorance and doubt, only to make those crevices even deeper and more menacing and giving the crap the ideal outlet by which to seep out so that it could become the very problem, which he'd, hoped to avoid, and blessedly ignore forever.
He'd been trying very hard to keep every thought and memory of his childhood and that dreadful night at bay; shut away in a locked box and hidden deep in the depths of his psyche. Everything he felt about the event that had culminated in the dragon's death was buried as far beneath the surface as he could keep them. It was just like what he'd told the good Doctor, he deliberately didn't allow himself to think about any of it.
The problem was, that all the effort he'd put into pushing that down and keeping it from surfacing now seemed like a hopeless endeavour, and part of the reason why he'd been so quiet in the last few days was because he'd been having to do an awful lot of stomping down of all that crap. Ever since he and Gibbs had talked through the work related issues that, for some weird reason, had asserted themselves to the forefront of his long bottled up feelings; of which there were too many to even consider putting a label on; he had begun to realise that there were just way too many to bury completely and now the contents of each and every one of them were beginning to spill over and there was precious little he could do about it.
Now he felt overwhelmed and the desperate need to hide himself from the world until all of it sorted itself out and gave him back his peace of mind and sense of being okay with who he was inside his own skin. Restless now, with all these thoughts running around in his head, Tim clumsily got to his feet and took himself over to the window to cast his attention somewhere outside his own thoughts.
Gibbs silently watched from the doorway of the break room, as Tim went from being so tense with whatever was going through his head that he looked like he was trying to crush his coffee mug barehanded; to not being able to get to the window fast enough; obviously needing something else to think about when he practically jumped up from the chair and beat a path to the window. Figuring the younger man probably needed a minute or two to calm his mind's racing, the boss left him to it while he stepped into the room and concentrated on refilling his coffee. With his coffee cup now full, Gibbs turned and leaned back against the counter as he looked over at his agent.
As Tim fought to regain control of his endless thoughts and memories; whispers of the past, his breathing began to become erratic and his hands clenched into fists and unclenched over and over again, as if he were literally waging a silent war. Finally, Gibbs couldn't stand to see the young man go through the struggle for another minute. Quietly, he walked over to him and came to a stop in front of him, hoping him stopping there, would jolt the young man from his current state of mind.
It seemed to work as Tim blinked and then took a deep breath and slowly let it out, his clenched hands loosening until his fingers finally remained open and resting against his legs. Suddenly, his legs seemed to give out and he almost plopped down into the nearest chair, his eyes closed against the sudden onslaught of the dragon's torment as it rose up from the ashes of his soul.
"Boy, you're worthless! Haven't I always told you you're nuthin' but a pain in my ass? Always makin' me look bad! Embarrassing! Hell, you've been doin' this since you were five! You'd think you'd a stopped acting like this long before now! Didn't you ever learn anything from me? What the hell's wrong with you?"
"You think you somethin' important 'cause you're a Navy Cop? That's just a military wanna be! You settled!"
"I ain't never figured out why they took on your sorry ass, any damn way! You couldn't even make it in the military if you'd wanted to! What a disgrace! Five generations of McGee's worked their way up through the ranks, all the way to General; and you, couldn't even make the grade!"
"You're nothing! You'll never be anything! Just ask that boss of yours! Why the hell you think they never send you overseas? Cause you're nothin' to them! Hell, Boy, you're not even good enough to go undercover for them! Six years as an Agent and you still can't cut the mustard! You're nuthin!"
"Tim. Talk to me." Gibbs urged soothingly, hoping to break through the obvious mountain of crap running though the young man's head at the moment.
Tim shook his head to clear his mind and took another deep breath, slowly letting it out before opening his eyes and looking over at his boss. "I'm sorry, Boss. What was it you needed me to do to?"
Gibbs took a deep breath and let it out slowly before he answered the question carefully, "How bout we just go grab some dinner?"
"Thanks, Boss, but, I'm really not hungry."
"Still gotta eat. C'mon, let's go." He encouraged with a touch of authority as he turned and headed out of the room, fully expecting Tim to follow him.
Tim wasn't feeling to positive about this turn of events, but was willing to see where things would go with Gibbs around to help. As he took steps to catch up to the boss, he could only hope thing would somehow get better soon.
