A/N 3/12/14: Quick "Thank you" to all the wonderful readers who sent me PMs, and/ or left reviews for the previous chapter. I loved getting to know some of you better and finding out what you liked - or hated- about the story thus far.

Thanks to my Beta Reader, Tracy, for always being honest and for being such a help.

And last, thanks to the folks at BioWare for being so giving to all your fanatical fans like me. ;)


Chapter Twenty-nine

Hawke gripped the back of the chair with both hands, her knuckles showing white as she struggled to control her anger. She bit back a sharp retort, trying her best to stay calm while her brother continued to upbraid her with a tenacity that tested the limits of her restraint.

She was still trying to figure out how he had found out what had happened several days ago between her and Fenris and, frankly, why he should even care. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other and glared at Carver, her annoyance with him growing in steady proportions. Of course, it didn't help matters that he was standing there dressed in his full templar regalia. Every time she saw him dressed thusly, she couldn't help but feel like he was mocking her and it was all she could do to keep a civil tongue in her head.

"What were you thinking?" Carver asked heatedly. "Why in Andraste's name, would you choose Anders over Fenris?" He threw up his hands in exasperation. "I don't understand you at all, Sister!"

"It's really not any of your business, Carver," Hawke replied in a tight voice, grinding the words out between clenched teeth. "This doesn't concern you. Do not mistake me for one of your Circle mages."

"Of course it's my business. Anything that concerns you, concerns me as well, Cat. You may be the elder sibling, but I promised father that I would always do my best to protect you- including protecting you from yourself."

"I don't need your protection, Brother. I can manage things on my own."

Carver looked over his sister, scrutinizing her in silence. "Yes, I can see how well you've been managing. You look like you've not slept in days." His blue eyes swept over Hawke once more, missing nothing. "When did you eat last?"

Hawke avoided meeting his eyes, and instead looked down at the chair in front of her. "Around midday, I think."

Carver's eyes narrowed for a moment as he considered her words. "You're lying to me."

Hawke looked at him. "I am not," she replied testily. She had eaten around noontime- it just wasn't today. She had lost most of her appetite and taste for food, yet she forced herself to eat something each day, if only for the sake of her unborn son. "I'm not about to starve myself, Carver. I haven't lost all my good sense."

He gave her a doubtful look. "I'm not too sure I'd agree with you on that, Sister. You chose a man who will bring nothing but strife and misery to your life, over the one who would give his very life's blood to protect you and keep you safe." He shook his head at her. "I would say that you've gone and lost any and all good sense that the Maker had ever given you!"

Hawke brought one hand to her forehead and rubbed it against her temple. She was short on sleep and even shorter in temper, and on top of everything her head was beginning to throb. "Carver," she sighed, closing her eyes against the dull ache, "Just go away and leave me in peace."

She heard the telltale sound of movement and then felt a hand grip her elbow. Opening her eyes, she looked at her brother and then frowned, momentarily distracted by a sound her ear had caught. "Did you hear that?" She gave her brother a puzzled look when he shook his head. "Are you sure?"

Carver sighed. "I'm sure, Sister. You should sit. We need to talk and you look as if you are ready to collapse." Tightening his grip, he stood waiting for Hawke to move away from the back of the chair. When she hesitated, he tugged on her arm until she let go of the chair and reluctantly followed his lead to the small couch. Carver waited by her side until she had lowered herself into the seat.

Hawke settled herself back against the cushions and then turned her weary attention to her younger brother. "Well, I'm sitting… what else did you want to harass me about?"

Carver shook his head to himself and stared down at his sister. "I'm not trying to harass you, Catelynn. I'm worried about you, that's all."

"Fine. I thank you for your concern, but it's not necessary. Life will go on, as will I… as will Fenris." Hawke's voice caught when she said his name and she looked away from her brother's astute gaze. She caught her bottom lip between her teeth to keep it from trembling.

"Why must you be so stubborn? Why can't you just let Anders go and give Fenris what he wants?"

"I refuse to turn my back on my friends, Carver! It's the principle of the thing. Just because Fenris can't get past his animosity…his jealousy of Anders… Why should I have to give up my friendship with someone who means a great deal to me?"

"For Maker's sake, you're having his child! Doesn't that bear some consideration on your part? Fenris has stood by you- loved you- contrary to his feelings about magic and mages. What more do you want from him, Sister?"

"You just don't understand, Carver. And neither does Fenris."

"Then I suppose Anders understands, is that it?" Carver replied with sarcasm. "Maker forbid that anyone other than a mage could ever understand you, Sister!"

"At least Anders has never asked me to be anything other than what I am! He certainly has never asked me to choose between himself and Fenris."

"No… Anders would never ask that of you- not when he can just sabotage your relationship with Fenris in more subtle ways."

Hawke stared up at her brother, her lips pressing together into a hard, straight line. She had no response to give Carver, for she had yet to deal with Anders for what he had said to Fenris. He had been spending long hours at his clinic, so it had been easy for her to avoid him during the last several days. As far as she knew, Anders had no knowledge of what had happened between her and Fenris, and she wanted it to remain that way until she was ready to confront him.

She should have known that Carver would take Fenris' s side- after all he was a templar and viewed the world in much the same way as the elf. Carver had never cared much for Anders right from the start, so she wasn't surprised by his attitude.

"Think what you wish, Carver. I've made my choice and everyone will just have to live with it," she paused, the corner of her lips turned upwards, forming a sad smile that lingered only for a moment, and then she said softly, "Most especially me."

Carver let out a sigh. "But the problem is you've made the wrong choice."

"Perhaps…but it was the only one I could make," she replied quietly. She turned her head and looked past her brother to stare dismally into the fire that was burning within the hearth. "Fenris left me no other option."

"You left him no other option, Sister. You share you home openly with another man- a man who you have had a past romantic interest in, by the way- and you expect Fenris to just sit by and calmly accept everything. Do you have no qualms at all about forcing him into such an egregious situation? People are starting to think that you are… that the three of you…" Carver paused, a heated flush staining his cheeks as he floundered for the words. "Well, people are starting to wonder who the father of your unborn child really is," Carver finally stated, giving his sister a pained look.

Hawke gave her brother a mirthless laugh. "I must say, you templars are very good about spreading gossip. I'm sure Ser Reginald relished every bit of untruth that he has passed on about me." She arched one brow at her disgruntled brother. "Really Carver, I am an Apostate Mage- there isn't much that hasn't been rumored about me. Besides, Fenris knows he's the father and that is all that matters, as far as I'm concerned."

Shaking his head, Carver crossed his arms and muttered under his breath, "It's a wonder Fenris doesn't just give up and say 'to the Void with you', and go find himself another woman."

Hawke inhaled sharply, and then stilled at his words. Meeting her brother's eyes, she was unable to hide the hurt she felt at his carelessly spoken words. Carver swore softly under his breath.

Appearing apologetic, he spoke in a contrite voice. "Forgive me, Catelynn." His perceptive gaze searched her face with a sudden intensity. "Fenris is not Barit," he stated in gentled voice. "This is what it's really all about, isn't it?"

Hawke's hands gripped the bottom seat cushions of the couch, her fingers digging into the material as she fought against the painful memory and the black emotions that named evoked. "You promised never to say his name to me," whispered Hawke. "I don't want to remember…" She squeezed her eyes shut in a panicked attempt to re-banish the memories of that period of her life, but already she could feel the darkness closing in on her…pulling her back into its terrible grip.

Carver quickly fell to one knee before her in alarm, and gripping her forearms he shook her none too gently and demanded her to look at him. When she refused, shaking her head, he shook her again. "Look. At. Me!"

Fighting to control her emotions, Hawke's eyes flew open and she stared at her brother. Taking a deep breath, she let it out slowly, repeating this process several more times until she could finally draw a breath without feeling as if she was drowning in a sea of volatile emotions.

Carver relaxed his grip on her arms, but did not release them. "Sister, I thought you had put all that behind you years ago. You need to let it go."

Shaken and surprised by her own reaction, all she could do was nod as a familiar numbness began to take hold, her mind's way of insulating itself from the worst of the self-destructive memories. "I'm fine now, Carver," she finally said. "You can let go of me."

Carver frowned, but after only a few moments of hesitation, he released her and then stood slowly to his feet. He stood there, still frowning, looking down at his sister, deep in thought. His features suddenly smoothed as if he had made up his mind. "Fenris will never hurt you like Barit. You don't need to hold on to Anders."

Hawke stared at her brother as tears welled in her eyes. "That's not… I'm not…" She stopped, unable to finish voicing her thoughts- unable to defend or explain herself, or her actions to her brother. Distressed, she knotted her hands together in her lap as she worried her bottom lip between her teeth. How could she ever hope to have him understand, when she no longer even understood herself anymore?

Leaning over her, Carver laid a hand on her shoulder and looked into her eyes. "You need to tell Fenris what's really going on with you- maybe it will help him understand things better with you. You can't keep going on like this, Sister. It's tearing you apart inside." He studied her face, making a silent decision. "Tell him," he warned, "or I will."

"Stay out of this," she responded in a low, angry voice as she blinked back the tears. "You have no right to interfere!" She turned her face away from him, shutting him out. "Leave, Carver. Just go and leave me alone," she whispered. "Please…"

Carver removed his hand from her shoulder and straightened without any further words. Turning, he walked away, his head bowed low. When he reached the doorway, he paused before crossing the threshold and lifting his head he looked back at his sister. "I'm here for you, Sister, despite what you may think. All you need to do is send word and I'll come."

Hawke watched in silence as Carver walked away from the study. She knew her brother cared for her, but she was still unwilling to trust him completely- not as long as he remained in the Templar Order.

Closing her eyes, she allowed her tired body to sink back against the cushioned seat. She needed to sleep, but she was afraid the dreams of templars would plague her again, or worse, that she would dream of him.

"Well, I thought he would never leave!"

Hawke startled at the sound of his voice and her eyes flew open. Sitting forward, she struggled to turn her body around in the direction his voice had come. "I knew I hadn't imagined hearing things! Just how long have you been eavesdropping upstairs?" She glared at Anders as he descended the stairway and then walked towards where she sat.

"Long enough to realize you have been keeping things from me," he replied, the lines of his forehead deepening into a frown. He moved around the end of the couch and took a seat next to Hawke. "What in the Maker's name has been going on around here?" He leveled his eyes at her, his face talking on an expression of deep concern. "Cat… please… tell me what's wrong…"

Hawke gritted her teeth, trying to control the rage and feelings of betrayal that threatened to overpower her saneness. For the first time in her life, she wanted to hurt Anders- to bring immense pain to him physically- and it terrified her that she was so close to losing her control.

Her hands twisted together on her lap, as she warred against herself-against the part of her that wanted to lash out at him with violence for causing such an enormous rift between her and Fenris. A voice inside whispered that he deserved to feel the brunt of her anger and hurt- that he had known exactly what he had been doing when he uttered those words to Fenris.

She stared into his eyes and all she could see reflected in them was love and concern. She felt wetness against her face as the tears cascaded down the curve of her cheeks and chin, to land on the back of her hands that somehow had found their way into the larger, warmer ones of Anders'.

"Cat…? Please, tell me."

"Even after what you did, I still can't let you go..." she choked out in a tortured whisper. "Why do I need you so much?" Her head lowered and her tears turned into quiet sobs that shook her entire form. She felt arms wrap around her and she found herself cradled in Anders' arms as he pulled her close against his body.

Hawke continued to cry, emptying herself of her pain and misery. She cried for her unborn son who was unfortunate enough to have parents that could not get past the anger and mistrust, despite the deep love they shared. But most of all, she cried for the future she might have had, but which was now lost to her- all because of the love she bore for the man who held her in his arms.

Hawke awoke with a start. She had been dreaming…which would mean that she had fallen asleep. She struggled to sit up, but soon gave up when she was unable to extricate herself from Anders' hold.

"Anders…" She nudged him with her elbow. He moved slightly and grunted, but failed to wake. She nudged him again with her elbow, this time with more force. "Anders- wake up!"

"Blasted all, woman! I'm awake!" He opened one eye and glared sleepily at Hawke.

"Let me up then, Anders." She waited while he slid his arms from around her, and then sat up, stretching her cramped limbs as she went. She yawned and smoothed down the wrinkled material of her clothes as best she could. "We both must have fallen asleep. I wonder what time it is." She turned her head to look over at Anders, who was studying her. "What?"

"What do you mean, 'what'? You completely fell apart not too long ago. Are you ready to tell me what happened?"

Hawke let out a heavy sigh. "I suppose so," she paused and eyed Anders. "Although it might be best if you moved out of my reach." She almost smiled at his look of shock and confusion, but then sobered when the reality of the situation hit her again. "I'm serious, Anders. I can't be responsible for what happens if you don't move away."

Anders moved to the opposite end of the couch and studied Hawke's face once more. After a short moment, he stood to his feet and then moved several feet away to stand in front of the large fireplace, his back to the hearth.

Hawke looked past him, into the flames that surrounded the large stack of logs in the fireplace. "Fenris told me what you said to him," she stated quietly, not bothering to hide her bitterness and anger. After a moment had passed, she raised her eyes to look at Anders. "Why would you want to hurt me like that?"

Anders raked a hand through his hair. "Cat, the elf had me in a bloody choke-hold! I was furious, dammit! I wasn't trying to hurt you at all. I was trying to get back at the blasted elf!"

"I don't believe you." She met his eyes, refusing to allow his stricken expression to sway her from her course. "I think a part of you wanted to sabotage my relationship with Fenris. I think you knew exactly what you were doing."

Anders opened his mouth. "Dammit, Cat! I did not-," His mouth snapped shut and he shook his head. His shoulders slumped as he let out a long sigh. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I've been waiting all this time for you to realize that you chose the wrong person."

Hawke stared back at Anders, not sure where to go from there after hearing such a revelation. Not that it was exactly a real revelation. She had always known how he felt about her, and to be completely honest, she had never tried to discourage such feelings.

"But I refuse to bear the blame alone for this, Cat," Anders said tightly, echoing her thoughts. "You've not exactly kept the boundaries of our friendship clear-cut."

"I know," she replied softly. "I suppose it's because I've always viewed you so much more than just a friend, and because I rely on you so much. Sharing my life with you has been so easy…comfortable." She looked away from him again, her eyes going to the floor at his feet. "Fenris always sensed this about me… how I've always really felt about you. I guess it was inevitably that he would ask me to… to choose between him and you."

She heard Anders swear violently under his breath, but she kept her gaze fixed to the floor.

"You chose me, didn't you Cat?"

She nodded her head and tried not to flinch when he swore aloud. "Don't you dare swear at me, you ass of a mage!" She raised her head and glared angrily at him. "What did you expect me to do? He backed me into a corner and I…well, I do have my principles, you know!"

"Blast it all to the Void, Cat! Why would you go and do that for?"

"Stop yelling at me, Anders! I thought you would be happy. Why are you so bloody angry?!"

"I'm not angry!" Anders sighed in exasperation and then repeated himself in a much calmer voice, "I'm not angry- not at you, anyway. Sorry that I yelled."

"Fine," muttered Hawke. "You go and put the idea in Fenris' head that- based upon some ridiculous notion you have- that my feelings for him are due to me reacting to his lyrium markings and I'm the one getting yelled at? Something is seriously wrong here."

"Well I certainly didn't expect Ser Broody to believe it. Since when does the elf ever listen to anything I say?"

Hawke shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe Fenris is right," she said miserably. "Maybe I just don't love him enough or maybe I have no idea who it is I really want anymore." She let out a surprised yelp when Anders suddenly gripped her arms and pulled her roughly to her feet. She stared at him in shock.

"Well, there's only one way for us to be sure," stated Anders gruffly.

And then he was kissing her- really kissing her with a passion that caught her off guard. She had to admit to that his technique was near flawless- her body couldn't help but to respond to his maleness.

Anders hands moved to grip each side of her face and he pulled her closer to him. His lips skimmed across her lips, to her cheek and then to her ear. "Let go and kiss me, Cat," he whispered against her sensitive skin. "Just do what comes naturally."

Hawke hesitated, torn between her feelings for the man kissing her, and one that she desired above all others. But Anders was here and he still desired her even in this late state of her pregnancy, something that Fenris apparently did not.

Anders moved his lips back to hers, coaxing her with a sensual masterfulness to allow him deeper passage. She parted her lips for him and their kiss deepened, their tongues twirling and clashing together in the age-old dance of desire.

She breathed in his scent, and though it was appealing to her female senses, she longed to smell a more familiar scent that used to fragrant her bed linens and skin after a night with Fenris.

Here was a man that appeared to posses all the qualities and characteristics that she had always thought she wanted in a companion and lover, and though she felt a connection with him, there was something missing- that undefinable, yet integral part that two individuals must possess in order to have real chemistry and to maintain true and lasting love.

She knew without a doubt that she loved Anders, and probably always would in some fashion, but he wasn't Fenris. Anders could never fill the hole in her heart that Fenris had left behind.

The two mages drew apart as Anders ended the kiss. Leaning his forehead against Hawke's he drew in a shaky breath. "I never had a chance, did I?" Straightening up, he took a step backwards. "It was always the elf, wasn't it?"

She nodded. "I've never loved anyone more, not even…"

"Not even me," Anders said, finishing her sentence. "And what just happened between us, proved it, despite me wishing otherwise."

"Why are you so sure now?" she asked puzzled and a little surprised. "You can be that certain just by having kissed me?"

"A man can tell if the woman he is kissing is truly in love with him. Besides, you never forgot to breathe- not even once."

"What? What is that supposed to mean?"

"When he kisses you, you forget to breathe. The elf only has to look at you in that way of his – and by the way, it is extremely nauseating to watch the two of you get so starry-eyed- and you actually stop breathing." Anders' mouth turned up into a wistful smile. "It's like the rest of the world stops, or disappears for you, and there's only… him."

Hawke sniffed and blinked back the tears that had pooled in her eyes as Anders had been speaking. "I'm sorry, Anders." She hated having to hurt him all over again. "You're right- I love him and always will." The corners of her mouth drew downward, her expression saddening further. "But I'm afraid that doesn't matter anymore. He'll never forgive me this time."

"Bullshit! Just go back and tell the elf that you made a mistake- that you should have chosen him."

"But it wasn't a mistake, Anders!" she said in a panicked voice. "I won't give up our friendship." The thought of not having him in her life terrified her on some level and she didn't understand why.

Anders grabbed her forearms and gave her a gentle shake. "Cat, you're being foolish. You have a chance to be happy with the elf, so go ahead and take it. All I want is for you to be happy, and if that means I have to stay away from you…then so be it."

"No! I won't let you do that…to just walk away from our friendship."

Anders' brows rose in surprise at the vehemence in her voice. "What in Andraste's name is wrong with you?" He frowned at her in anger. "You can't expect me to stay with you if, by doing so, it ruins your life… ruins the future with the father of your soon-to-be born son." He shook her again, this time harder, when she shook her head at him. "Dammit, Cat- I love you too much to watch you throw everything away for me!"

"And what if I do as you say and things don't work out? What if Fenris suddenly wakes up one morning and decides that he can no longer live with an Apostate Mage? Maybe it's a good thing that we part now…before the inevitable happens. You said yourself it is only a matter of time."

Anders threw up his hands in exasperation. "You decide to listen to me now?! When you're almost ready to give birth to his child?" He shook his head in disbelief.

Hawke turned and walked to the far corner of the room, then wearily seated herself in one of the armchairs in front of the wall of bookcases. She knew Anders must think that she had completely gone mad- and maybe she had. She couldn't seem to think straight anymore, couldn't seem to get a grip on her emotions. She looked at Anders as he crouched down in front of her chair after having followed her across the room.

"You've gone through a lot of things- a lot of changes- these past few months and you are just scared," he said gently. "Maybe it's time you talked to the elf."

"You sound like Carver now."

"Well, as much as it pains me to admit that Junior might be right, I think you should take his advice this time." He reached up and tucked a loose tendril of her hair behind one ear. "I wish you would tell me what's at the root of all this sudden mistrust of Fenris. He truly loves you, you know."

"You called him by his name," remarked Hawke with a small smile.

"Don't get used to it, and if you tell Ser Broody Pants that I was defending him again, I'll deny every word. You know how much I hate having to defend the blasted elf," he said, returning her smile.

"It'll be our little secret," replied Hawke. Even if she were to tell Fenris, She doubted that he would believe that Anders would ever be on his side about anything, nor come to his defense with out some ulterior motive. She gave him another smile. "Thank you, Anders. I know when everything is all said and done, in the end you will be there for me." She frowned, puzzled by the unnamed emotion that shadowed his eyes. "What's wrong?"

He shook his head. "Nothing," he said. "It's just… this great faith and trust you seem to have placed in me- it's a little hard for me to comprehend such loyalty. It's sometimes hard to believe that, despite all my many shortcomings, you still choose to… believe in me."

She took one of his hands, gathering it into hers. "Whatever flaws you may possess, it does not negate the fact that you have a caring heart. You're a good man, Anders- never forget that." She studied him further for a moment, then said, "I've been told that I have a blind-spot when it comes to you, but I think it's more that I prefer to overlook your less than favorable traits and focus on the better parts of you."

Anders stared up into her face for a moment in silence, his expression somber. Hawke heard the distance ding of her clock as it struck the hour, reminding her that she had spent yet another day parted from Fenris. Anders cocked his head to one side, listening as well, as the final tolling of the clock sounded and then ended.

"We seemed to have slept straight through the dinner hour. What say we go raid the kitchen?" He grinned up at Hawke, his former dark mood suddenly gone. "I am positively weak from a severe lack of sustenance!" His stomach growled loudly, as if to give further credence to his claim of pending starvation. "See? My poor, empty stomach agrees with me."

She gave him a half-hearted smile. "You go ahead," she replied, declining his offer. "I'm not really hungry." She gave his hand a small squeeze and then let it go. "Go eat, Anders," she said, giving him another quick smile. "I can't have my friend collapsing at my feet from hunger now, can I?"

Anders stood to his feet. "What happened to me being your best friend?"

"Let's just say you need to earn your way back to that position." She looked up at him, meeting his eyes. "I haven't completely forgiven you for what you did, Anders."

"I know," he replied softly. "And I am sorry that I hurt you, for that was never my intention. You must believe me, Cat."

She wondered if that was completely true. Part of her felt that deep down Anders might still harbor feelings of resentment towards her for how she treated him that night when he- with full expectation that they would become lovers- instead found himself spurned by the very woman who had earlier declared that she loved him. She had not forgiven herself entirely, for her own actions that night, so she couldn't blame him if he hadn't fully forgiven her as well.

Thinking it best not to voice any doubts she might have- for opening old wounds would only complicate things even further- she instead gave him a noncommittal nod of her head. "Go and eat your dinner Anders. I would like to be alone now, if you don't mind."

Anders hesitated, as if he wanted to say something more, but then turning and walking away with a small sigh, he left her alone in the study.

Hawke slumped down further into her seat and leaned her head backwards against the chair's headrest. She knew she needed more sleep, but she was reluctant to give in to her tired body's demands for rest, for she was afraid that she if she slept, she would certainly dream of him- the man from her past- the only man who had ever made her despise the fact that she had been born a mage.