Chapter 29- A Stolen Future.
Emmett and I might have the best of intentions about taking things a little more slowly, but I don't know how long it's going to last. Not when half an hour after we agreed to it we're tangled together on his bed and I'm thinking hazily how much I want to unbuckle his belt and open his jeans and play with what I can feel so enticingly hard inside them. Not when Emmett's got his hand up under my t-shirt and is kissing my neck and earlobes in a way that is making me lose my mind.
"Ah-hem. Excuse me?" Someone coughs discreetly and then knocks at the open door.
"What?!" Emmett bellows, raising his head. "Oh…Mom," he says, sounding a little sheepish and sitting up.
I yank my clothes back into place and scramble upright, flipping my hair back and trying to breathe normally. I notice that Emmett has grabbed a pillow and is holding it over his lap and I'm suddenly struck by an irresistible case of the giggles. I press my fist to my mouth to stop myself from laughing aloud, but my shoulders are shaking. I'm too embarrassed to look at Esme.
"I've got your laundry," Esme says, placing a basket on the floor by the door. "You need to put it away, Emmett, and not leave it in the dryer for days on end."
"Sorry," Emmett says apologetically. "I forgot."
"I assumed so. I also came up to see if you needed any help, since you were meant to be studying. SATs on Saturday, remember?" Esme smiles at me as I accidentally catch her eye. "Hello Rosalie."
Emmett groans. "Yes, I remember and I'll start studying, but no, I don't want any help."
"Okay then, but see that you do some work before dinner please. I'm sure you have homework too, Rosalie?" Esme raises her eyebrows at me, and I nod meekly.
"Don't go," Emmett protests, as Esme strides off down the hallway and I get to my feet.
"I should, you're supposed to be doing some work," I say half-heartedly.
"I'll work better if you're here," Emmett declares, and I snort in disbelief.
"Oh, you really think so?" I shake my head, and then relent as I see the look of despair and loathing he throws at the SAT prep books piled on the desk. "Look, I'll go and get my books and I'll do my homework in here with you. But you have to study."
When I return Emmett is sitting up against the headboard, chewing on a pen and gazing out the window with the SAT prep book unopened on his lap. "It's not going to go into your head by osmosis," I prompt him. "Get reading."
Emmett sighs and opens the book reluctantly. "What's the point? I studied last time – kind of- and my scores were just fucking embarrassing."
"You'll do better this time," I say confidently. "Everyone improves the second time round." I'm talking out my ass- I have no idea if people improve or not, and I hope he doesn't challenge me. I stretch out on the bed beside him, facing away from him and switch on my e-reader.
"Hey sleepyhead, wake up."
I don't mean to fall asleep, but the next thing I know Emmett's breath is tickling my ear and he's gently stroking my arm. I yawn and then roll on to my back and stretch, feeling Emmett's fingers lightly running across my bare belly as my t-shirt rides up. "Did I fall asleep?"
"Yeah- you've been out all afternoon," Emmett tells me, kissing my forehead. "I figured you must need it. But dinner's ready now, so wakey wakey."
I groan slightly. "Okay, just give me a minute."
I make a quick stop in the bathroom, grimacing at my reflection in the mirror as I wash my hands. I look like shit. I'm pale and my eyes are still bloodshot from all that crying, and despite my nap there are dark circles under my eyes. I brush my hair quickly and then hurry downstairs to join the others at the dinner table.
Esme serves pasta in a creamy sauce with homemade garlic bread. It's delicious and for a few moments no one talks as we're all too busy eating. I don't think I ever want to move away from Esme's cooking.
"How did the studying go, Emmett?" Esme asks. "Are you feeling any more confident about the test now?"
Emmett's mouth is full but he rolls his eyes and wrinkles his nose dramatically. Clearly the studying didn't go that well, and as he swallows he confirms this. "It's shit, Esme. I'll probably go worse than last time."
"Mind your language," Carlisle reminds him. "And it's probably not as bad as you think. Your teachers all agree that you've improved since last spring."
"Are you redoing the SATs?" Jasper asks.
"Yes." Emmett scowls, and I notice that his ears are red, the only outward sign of embarrassment he makes. "I bombed last year."
"I'm sure you'll do better on Saturday," Carlisle says encouragingly. "Just keep up the studying, do the practice tests and I'm sure you'll get a reasonable result. You know what the recruiters have been saying…"
"Yes, I know," mutters Emmett. He catches Jasper's curious look and sighs. "We've been talking to college baseball recruiters for a while," he says glumly. "They want me, but they think I'm a dumbass who'll flunk out first semester and be a waste of a pick."
"Emmett!" Esme says chidingly, as Alice giggles at him. "Don't talk about yourself that way! They're just concerned about how you'll handle college academic requirements, that's all, and would like to see a better SAT score from you. And we know you'll be fine with a bit of effort and a bit of help once you're there."
Emmett rolls his eyes and stuffs his mouth full of pasta. "You know I could just go play in the minor league and we wouldn't have to worry about any of this," he says sulkily.
"We've talked that one out Emmett," Carlisle says tiredly. "While you might be lucky enough to get picked up for the major league and make a career out of it, the odds aren't great, even excluding injuries. You're better off getting a degree and playing at college and going pro after that if you still want to. At least you'll have a degree and something to fall back on if the worst happens."
Emmett looks up to the ceiling with an air of long suffering patience, and Esme looks from him to Carlisle and sighs before she turns to look at Jasper and I. "What about you two? Are you prepared for college applications? You know if you want to do visits and interviews and things you only need to let us know."
Jasper swallows his mouthful of pasta. "I'm good, thanks. It's already done. I'm applying early decision to Columbia, and if I don't get in there I can pretty much reuse my essays for my other preferences."
Carlisle and Esme look impressed, but I drop my fork with a clatter. "I didn't know you'd made up your mind about that," I say, slightly accusingly. I am ridiculously, unreasonably, hurt to think that Jasper has made this decision without talking to me.
Jasper looks uncomfortable. "Didn't I tell you? You knew it was a possibility."
I can also feel a sense of panic rising at the prospect of Jasper going off to college without me- I'll never be accepted into Columbia. I don't even want to go to Columbia. Jasper and I never had any plans to go to the same college…why do I suddenly feel betrayed that he's going somewhere I can't follow? I bend down to pick up my fork, briefly hiding my face my face under the table.
"Rose," Jasper says quietly. "I'm sorry. I thought you knew."
"It's fine," I say with slightly forced brightness. "You've always wanted to go there, it makes sense to apply early. They'll accept him," I add in Esme and Carlisle's direction. "His SAT results were amazing, and he's got some great letters of recommendation." Before I dragged him with me to Forks he also had a good lot of extra-curricular activities to improve his chances. Jasper's been aiming for Columbia for years. I stuff a forkful of pasta into my mouth.
"What about you?" Esme asks me.
"Rose wants to go to NYU and do law," Jasper answers for me when he sees my mouth is still full.
I shake my head and swallow. "No. I changed my mind…I don't want to do that." Law? After my experiences with the legal system? And going back to New York, even if it's on the other side of the state…not in a million years. And especially not NYU.
"What then?" Jasper demands, and he's frowning in bewilderment. "You were so sure."
"I changed my mind," I put my fork down carefully and sit back in my chair, folding my arms across my chest defensively.
"Changed it to what? You've only got a little while before applications are due…are you thinking law somewhere else? Or NYU and a different program?" Jasper persists.
I can feel myself starting to sweat. "I don't know anymore."
"But…"
"God Jasper, just quit it!" I shout. "Of course I'm not going to NYU…use your brain! Who else was going to be there? Why do you think that was my first choice?" I'm shaking. "And you think it's possible for me to do law after all that?! You know, my dealings with the legal profession weren't so great that I want to spend the rest of my life there!"
Jasper jerks back like I've hit him, looking sick. "I'm sorry," he mutters. "I forgot."
Suddenly I'm furious, a wave of red hot anger crashing through my body. "Yeah? Well I don't have the luxury of forgetting," I snarl. "Not when I carry a reminder scarred into my skin and see them in my dreams every night. So forgive me if my fucked up present life means I don't have my future all perfectly mapped out like you do!"
Kicking back my chair so hard it falls over with a crash, I storm away from the table and out of the room. I know I've been unfair to Jasper, but the fountain of rage boiling inside of me demanded release. And the people I am really angry with, the animals who ruined my life and stole my future, are far beyond my reach.
The tears – these goddamned fucking tears!- come again and I stumble slightly on the stairs leading down to the rec room. I am so angry I want to smash things, but the empty place on the wall where I broke the mirror on the weekend seems to glow at me accusingly. Fighting to control myself I go to the treadmill and turn it on high, and then I channel all that rage into running. I run until my lungs ache and the sweat mingles with the tears and makes my eyes burn, run until my legs feel like they're on fire and I have to jump off the treadmill and get into the bathroom before my dinner comes back up. On my knees in front of the toilet I vomit, again and again, until my belly is empty before I lie down, clammy and shaky, on the cold tile floor.
Jasper's waiting for me when I come back out again, sitting on the weight bench with his elbows on his knees. "Are you okay?" he asks.
"I just ran too soon after eating," I say, leaning against the treadmill. "I'm sorry I went off my head at you," I add awkwardly. I hate apologising, but the adrenaline fuelled running has burned off the rage and now the guilt is settling in, cold and heavy.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I'd sent in the application," Jasper says. He looks tired and unhappy. "I didn't think about everything that's happened…I guess I still had it in my head that you'd be at NYU and I'd go to Columbia like we used to talk about."
"I don't know anymore what I want to do next year," I say honestly. "I only know that it can't be in New York, and it won't be law." I stare past him at our reflection in the mirror and say quietly, "I haven't even thought about the future since it all happened, because when I do all I can think about is what I can't do and won't have."
"Oh, Rosie," Jasper says compassionately. "I know that it's hard, but you can't let that define your life. You can still be a mom one day, even if a baby comes to you a different way…"
"You don't understand," I say, but this time it's a defeated statement of fact and not an accusation. "Please Jasper, I don't want to talk about it."
"I don't have to go to Columbia," Jasper offers, his voice low. "If you wanted to go somewhere else, together, we could look at it…"
"Oh, hush," I say, my voice brusque in an effort to hide how much his offer means. "Don't be ridiculous, of course you're going to Columbia! I'll just...well, I'll just look into other schools for me. Maybe stay here on the west coast or something." I try and smile.
Jasper doesn't look convinced. "I just hate to see you give up on your future plans because of them," he mumbles.
"It's not just because of them," I say, moving restlessly across the room. "It's because of me, and just because everything is different now. And Jas, even if that night had never happened…well, there would have been the baby then." It takes such effort to mention her! My baby. "I wouldn't have been going to NYU and doing law like we planned, not next year anyway."
Jasper buries his face in his hands. "I wish I could do more."
"You've done everything you could," I say, drifting over to him and resting my hand on his hair. "More than anyone could have expected of you really, and even though I don't say it I am incredibly grateful to you and I love you for it. In the end though…it's up to me."
