A/N
Thanks for continuing to read this story. Still a bit of a journey to go yet I'm afraid, but- Lamimi25 there's a little present for you in this one to make up for things.
The next chapter after this, Ch 30 just needs some more tweaking and I will post it in a couple of days (If I'm really fast it may even be tomorrow!)
Ch 31 is still being written but is looking set to be the final chapter.
Glee's not mine etc etc
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Chapter 29: Because
"Morning, Mercedes, sleep ok?" RJ said, as he walked into the kitchen ready for work, and poured some coffee into a cup.
"Yep thanks" she nodded in response, spreading jam across the two slices of toast she had just made her self, before sitting at a stool in the kitchen.
"So, I have quite a full schedule today, but hopefully I'll be back in time for dinner"
Mercedes nodded and bit into her toast as RJ left the room again busying him self with something or other.
RJ returned to the kitchen with a cardboard box and left it on the counter next to them.
"Mercedes, you can do what you want with this, but, I want you to have it" he said.
Mercedes looked at the box, toast in hand, "What is it?"
"Everything" RJ said "Everything to do with your accident…there's the full report, photographs and everything I kept in connection to what happened, my research …all the decisions made about your medical care, everything…."
"Like Pandora's Box" she reflected as she looked at it, chewing the morsel in her mouth, "But I read the report summary already and I know about most things now?"
"I know, I just wanted you to have open access, after keeping everything from you I want you to know that I will do my best to be completely honest with you about everything. And it starts with this…"
Mercedes nodded taking sight of the box.
"Like I said you can do with it what you want"
"OK" Mercedes nodded, "Thanks"
"We can read through it together if you want when I'm, back later or you can look at it in your own time…" RJ looked at Mercedes and then tentatively asked "So, are you going to be ok?"
"Sure, " Mercedes nodded and looked up at him, her lip curling at the corner.
"Ok well in that case, see you later"
X
After a couple of hours of journaling and watching TV, Mercedes took the box her father had left her with, up to her room and lifted the lid and opened it.
She skimmed through its contents, noting the detailed accident report and photographs and photocopies of handwritten notes that were made by investigators. There were her medical reports, from the moment she entered into hospital, the operations done, the assessments made of her brain activity. Then there was her father's research on the families who had been affected. Photographs of the other drivers, information on the families, their circumstances, the financial interventions that were made, the five year progress reports.
"Gosh" she sighed, her father had spared no expense in pouring resources into every aspect of this incident.
It would take time to really read any of the things that he had collected, and she wondered how much of it she actually should even look at, unsure about how far her fathers involvement with the Evans and Chang's was necessary, helping them out was one thing, but investigating them was something else.
She looked back at the detailed accident report, knowing that, if she was going to read anything, that this would be the one to read first. She took the document and decided to take a walk by the lake and read it out side.
X
Sam sat by the lake silently. He sipped at his water and looked at the time, he would have to leave soon, but before then he could look out onto the lake. He took another sip of water and it accidently spilt on his shirt, he wiped at it with his thumb.
"Oh Gosh I'm Sorry!" Mercedes said wide eyed and taking a tissue and drying the dampened patch she'd managed to spill on him whilst handing the cup of her latest soup creation to him.
"It's ok" Sam assured her, amused somewhat as he looked down at her worried expression as she frantically tried to clean it off him "Don't worry about it, it's fine"
But she was not hearing his reassurances, and he curled his hand around hers to intervene on her continuous wiping motions. She stopped, a little taken aback by the contact, and looked up at him.
"It's ok" he said slowly to her.
"I hope it's not stained" she said and bit her lip. She looked back at the mark and frowned, " I really like that shirt as well"
"You do?" Sam said, the corner of his mouth turned upwards.
"Yeah" she nodded, gazing back up him, Sam just found himself transfixed by her deep brown eyes shining back at his, " I like how it brings out your eyes"
Her eyes seemed to widen suddenly as she suddenly felt self conscious about what she'd said and shook her head, removing her hand from his "So um what time are we meeting for to the open mic night tomorrow?"
Sam slid his thumb and finger across his eyes, wishing that those memories of her would not keep haunting him, even if he was fond of the memory. He looked at his shirt, the stain managed to come off in the end he noted. He tightened the lid of his bottle as he prepared himself to leave.
"Oh" that beautiful musical voice said in realisation from the side of him "Sam"
Sam stood up suddenly he had got used to spending it alone that he had to take a startled minute to register what was happening as he turned and looked at her.
Mercedes stood hovering across from him, dressed in leggings and sandals clutching a file in or something or other, in one arm against her chest.
It was not a obstinate day dream in his head that had seeped into reality, he confirmed, no, she was here.
He had not seen her since their encounter at beach house. Here she was back home now. He wished he could ask her all the questions that flooded into his mind about what she was doing back and how she was, and if she was alright, but most of all he wished he could just take her into his arms and hold her. Except that this was her space and he was in it and should not be, "Sorry I can go"
"No… um no its ok" she said as she stood still, watching him.
"I was just leaving any way" Sam began to turn around.
"It's fine" she said, with a shrug of her shoulders.
Sam started to walk away.
"Sam! Just stay!" she called out.
Sam froze and turned around.
They stood still. Sam was captivated by her eyes once more.
Mercedes noted how his eyes still appeared hollow like when she saw him back at Aunt May's beach house, and how he'd become somewhat gaunt and thinner.
"You lost weight" she noted out loud and winced at herself realising that once again her brain was being slow at preventing her mouth from blurting out her thoughts when she saw Sam, "Sorry, I don't know why I said that"
"I don't have much appetite these days" Sam's shoulders raise and fell.
Mercedes meditated on his words in silence for a moment
"What were you doing here?" she asked, narrowing her eyes, one hand rested on the other.
"Just taking a break" Sam twisted the bottle in his hand and looked at her, she was tantalizing breeze that heaven sent to enter his presence just to taunt him, Sam thought.
Mercedes looked at him for a while, he was wearing that shirt again, she noted, it brought it out the shades of green that made up his eyes. She was reminded of all the times they had come and met here and talked, and how much he had held back from her. She then wondered and asked him out loud, "Why didn't you say anything?"
Sam dropped his head unable to speak and tried to begin, "I just wanted to-"
"Protect me?" she said with raised eyebrows as she filled in the pause.
Sam looked up at her and looked down again with a slow nod, his hands circled around the bottle and pressed it.
"I just wanted you to be ok" he said finally looking up at her, "…I though maybe I could protect you from having it hang over you whilst you were still making sense of having woken up from a coma after seven years …but I should never have done that by lying because at the end of the day you didn't need me to do that, you needed me to be honest with you…"
He sighed and shook his head and his eyes were glistening as he spoke to her, "It was messed up and I hurt you in the process and for that I am so sorry"
She silently absorbed his apology, she frowned for a moment as another thought passed over her, "It's very convenient though"
Sam's eye brows raised at her, "Convenient?"
"That way you get to be the bigger person letting it all go, right?" she bit her lower lip.
Sam's head shook his slowly from side to side and he tried to explain "I came to terms with it a long while ago"
"And yet I don't have that luxury" her eyes hardened in his direction and she let a sharp breath of air out in frustration.
Sam paused and observed her.
"No. No, I guess not" he said finally and walked closer to her.
Mercedes looked at the ground, feeling him approach her and stop in front of her.
"But maybe, in time you'll see how…" he stood in front of her, wanting to reach out to her, but keeping a distance, he said gently to her "It was meant to be"
Mercedes shook her head.
"Why do people keep saying that!" she found the words erupt from her, she repeated back the mantra that seemed to play from everyone's lips,"It was meant to be?...It was just meant to be?! WHY ?!
She pressed her a hand to her head, her other hand still clinging to the report resting in one arm against her chest, and looked up at him. Sam just stood and took in the onslaught of words as they exhausted from her.
"Why say that! …How do you know that? People just say that to make themselves feel better… For heaven's sake… lives were cut short in a flash- do you think they really can say it was meant to be? What if it was different? What if I wasn't driving at all?"
He waited for a moment, and then he replied, "I think sometimes you just realise…that sometimes unexpected things happen…lives get cut short and sometimes that just is life"
Mercedes turned her head away from him, as if trying to block out his words and shook her head with her eyes closed and jaw clenched, "How can you just …?"
"Stop it Mercedes!" Sam said suddenly, the bottle in his hand crashed to the ground Mercedes head just snapped in it's direction, the remaining water seeped from the crack formed, "You need to stop doing this!"
Mercedes looked up at him. For the first time in a long time Sam felt a surge of energy pulse inside him, and he continued to speak, approaching nearer to her as he did so "...Look Mercedes I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you. I'm sorry that you have woken up to seven years later to be hit with this…to feel like you caused something that hurt others…But you have you to let it go!"
He stopped right in front of her, barely and arms length between them, and he leaned over her speaking emphatically into her startled eyes.
"You need to stop reliving this and torturing yourself over this! You can't keep trying to move forward only to fall back like this!…You can't keep doing this to yourself…"
He could not watch her be consumed by what had happened, finding out how she had was awful, but she seemed so close to moving on with her life and he could not watch her fall at this point.
"You can torture yourself and wonder what would have happened if...trying to undo it and thinking what could you change or not…but how many parameters are you going to start breaking apart?... When does it stop?... I know you want to rewrite history, but no matter how many times you try…it still happened"
She looked way from him and he rested a hand on her shoulder, causing her to look back up into his eyes, She pressed the report in her arm closer to her.
"You just end up hurting yourself…can't you see? Do you think that's fair to you or even to them? They don't need your self destruction to make up for the fact that they are gone now… but you? You have your life still to live and embrace …"
His eyes glistened as he spoke and he placed his other hand on her shoulder, holding them both as if desperate for her to take in what he was trying to say.
"You can't let this hold you back. You just can't do this to yourself, I can't stand here and watch you do this to yourself! I just can't watch you give up on life, after everything. After all you've been through, after all that has happened…you have to fight and not give up!"
"I can do what I want! You don't get to tell me that!" she snapped as she pulled her self back from him jerking her shoulders from his grip, Sam lifted his hands away and let them drop to his sides.
"You don't get to tell me whether I give up or not!" She lifted her free hand and pounded her palm against his chest, "Or whether I choose to fight or not! You don't get to tell me that!"
Her eyes had become red and narrowed sharp slits pierced back at him, she clenched her jaws and breathed in an out heavily. Her hand now rested on his chest, fallen against his beating heart.
"I don't… you're right…" He softened his tone and caught his breath, her hand a sweet anguish pushed against him, he wished he could just hold her, "…I just don't want to see you wither away"
Mercedes looked up at Sam, into his eyes sunken in those hollow caverns and wondered if he was the one who had really been withering away, she kept her hand on his heart, as if looking for something.
Sam inhaled deeply, he had let himself get swept up again in his feelings for her, he just wanted her to be alright now, it did not matter about him.
"Just do it for yourself, Mercedes" He took one last look at her and prepared himself to leave "I better get back to work, now"
Sam took a slow step away from her, and Mercedes slowly lowered her hand and gaze from him.
Mercedes looked out towards the lake, keeping her gaze away from him as he left her standing by the lake, still clutching the report to her chest, as he walked away.
X
Sam returned to the site, every so often his hand would rest against his chest, where she had placed hers in frustration earlier.
Take care of your heart, Sam. He imagined the words being said to him, but he did not understand where they came from. He was exhausted; the exchange with Mercedes had drained him and left him feeling things he had been trying to suppress.
He would be finished soon, he reminded himself, and returned to the work, trying to shut down the thoughts of the agitated soul awakened inside of him.
X
"Dad?" Mercedes slipped her head around the door to her RJ's study.
"Everything okay Mercedes?" RJ looked up from his glasses at her.
"Yeah" She sighed as she entered "I was looking at the box you gave me…I'm just curious about the investigations and reports you have on the Evans' and Chang's…"
RJ frowned in concentration and let her continue.
"I just…wanted to know..why you did that…?" she stood by his desk.
He nodded and clasped his hands on his desk, "I wanted to understand how the accident affected them, if there was anything I could do to help, if they needed it"
"Did you feel guilty because of what I did?"
"I felt bad that you were so concerned about missing the anniversary of your mom's death that you felt you needed to rush to come that weekend…"
"So in a way you kind of do think it was my fault…"
"No." He shook his head at her, "No, of course not sweetheart, I just wanted to do what I could to help, them, I just thought maybe some good could come out of the situation. That's all"
Mercedes bit at her lip as she thought about what he said, "So did they know about me- or what you did?"
"Mike Chang knew, because we met- as a medic he'd gotten involved in that sense. But Sam never knew- he only met me when the school started up, and even then he didn't know who I was or even who you were until …"
"Until?"
"Until Mike Chang called me to say that he needed me to speak to Sam, to help him understand about what happened to help make his peace with things, and he came to visit me and you."
"He did?"
"I don't really know why then. But seven years had passed, and I had grown to trust and respect Sam it felt like the least I could do, and…." He looked at his hands as if uable to admit what he was going to say "I was also making decision about your future…and keeping you alive"
Mercedes nodded, it was the truth of the matter and there was no point pretending it did not happen.
"We scheduled a visit, and he came briefly…I explained what happened to you…he visited you and spent some time with you…and then" RJ found himself smiling in wonder at the thought "The strange things was, soon after he left, I had Nurse Clarice tell me you'd woken up"
"Wait really? So you're saying straight after that I woke up"
Mercedes shook her head and remembered the diary entry "Sam and Mike 4pm"
"Yeah" RJ said " Pretty much…I don't know what it means, if it means anything…but, yeah"
Mercedes stood in silence, by his desk.
"Any way speaking of Sam – he's going to be finishing up the music school soon- it'll be ready soon, you think might go visit it?"
"Um… I don't know…maybe" she shrugged.
"Sorry- I know, I promised I wouldn't do that" RJ raised his hand and waved off his words.
"It's fine" Mercedes said, waved her own hand "Thanks Dad for explaining all that anyway"
X
Mercedes had read the report twice over. She sat with it again by the lake, with a pen and paper, drawing sketches of what happened. She had decided to take another walk, choosing to go later in the afternoon, incase she crossed paths with Sam again.
"Oh hey, Mercedes!" Blaine said, looking up from his phone, he seemed to have been ambling away with, "How are you beautiful?"
He walked up to her direction as he put his phone away in his pocket
"I'm good Blaine" she smiled and turned to look at him as he joined her "How are you?"
"Great!" Blaine nodded with a broad smile "All the better for seeing you here, are you visiting the school?"
"Er no… ," she said, tucking away the diagrams into the file and closing it, before he saw what she was doing, "Just doing some thinking"
"Ok sure" Blaine said with a large grin, "Let me know when you do, I'll see if we can arrange a special grand tour for you"
"Well, It looks pretty amazing from the parts I can see!" Mercedes said, looking up in its direction through the trees.
"Yeah well I'm sure you're going to love it! Sam has really out done himself, though he's hardly taken any breaks and works all hours God sends, I have to force him to leave so he can sleep"
Mercedes bit her lip and nodded, remembering Sam's hollow eyes when she saw him a few days ago.
"The only break he ever takes is to go down to the lake for a half hour before he's at it again…"
"I guess it will all be over soon" Mercedes said "He'll be able to take a reast after that at least"
"Yep final week now" Blaine nodded "Although he'll be jumping straight onto this old Lanyard project after that"
"Lanyard project?" Mercedes arched an eye brow "What's that?"
"Just one of those generic building projects out of town, six month deal"
"Oh" she said simply, not sure if it was disappointment she felt, or something else.
"I just wish I could convince him to at least stay for the official opening ceremony planned- but I don't know- he's not interested- doesn't even like me talking about nominating him for the Fischer award"
"Really?"
"Yeah anyway look at me blabber on…. Sorry Mercedes. How are you these days- really? How was your time away?"
"It was good. I've had a lot to think about, but I'm getting there…I think"
Blaine nodded sympathetically, "I can't imagine how it' all been for you"
"It's ok…" she sighed and offered him a reassuring smile, "Actually, Blaine, can I ask you something… I know you knew Sam at college right?"
"Yep"
"How was he after it happened?"
"Well I graduated the year before him, so I wasn't really around when it all unfolded- but I know it was hard for him- it wasn't easy but he picked himself up and stepped up and took care of Stacey and finished his studies and kept going- he survived"
"Survived huh," Mercedes nodded, survived, that word seemed to repeat itself back to her in her mind, " So, do you how he took it all- I mean- did he blame anyone?"
"No. Of course not" Blaine said "He was upset it happened, but more than anything he blamed himself"
"Himself?" she repeated with widened eyes, and then asked as she tilted her head to the side, "Why?"
"Because, he was originally planning to go and see them that night, he believed that he was supposed to go and see his family- I think a part of him thought if he went, they never would been on the road and crashed and wouldn't have died"
"So why didn't he go?" she wondered out loud, her forehead creasing as she asked.
"Car issues…"
Mercedes nodded.
"…So he had to cancel, but they still wanted to come up and see him- it was the twins birthday, so they said they'd come to him and celebrate"
"So he blamed himself...But it wasn't like he could have stopped it" Mercedes frowned recognising how her justification was probably something she could apply to herself.
Blaine studied Mercedes, RJ always kept the whole story pretty private, but between his relationship between the two of them he had worked out how things had unfolded, a part of him always wondered whether this series of unfortunate events more recently might have gone down a lot better had there been less secrecy around the whole thing.
"He doesn't any more- he doesn't blame you, Mercedes, or himself or anyone else- in time he just accepted that there are some things you can't control"
X
Mercedes sat at her desk doodling going over the thoughts circling her mind.
On her desk the envelope, from Sam, that had been left for her remained untouched since her father left it on the table for her. She looked at it and then she looked out from her window, toward at the music school, glinting in the distance.
Tomorrow was the scheduled date of completion, after that they would all leave and it would be ready for use.
Shelby had been in touch with her about starting to plan the grand opening alongside classes and courses and timetables and advertising and all kinds of other aspects to that would make for the actual running of the school itself. Shelby had said it was just information, that she was welcome to do with it what she willed, whether or not she wanted to get involved was her choice.
Mercedes took Sam's letter on her table and ripped the envelope slowly.
She unfolded the paper inside, it had on one side, writing, a letter of some kind and the other a sketch, of her. It was like the one she remembered seeing Sam had drawn in his notebook, the morning she found out about his family.
She looked back at the sketch of herself smiling gazing back at her in a sparkling gown, it overwhelmed her once again on seeing the image.
She turned it over and looked at the hand written letter.
Dear Mercedes,
She began to read it, but stopped. She was not sure if she was ready, instead she folded it and put it in her pocket.
She decided to take a walk instead, and went down stairs and made her way outside.
Summer was in full force and everything was verdant and lush. Her hand brushed along the plants as she walked past the garden and out towards the lake.
She had this growing feeling of gratefulness that she was able even for this moment to just enjoy the place. She wondered at the feeling, if it was alright to not feel guilty or remorse that she could enjoy it, if every happy moment would always have this reservation cast a shadow on it.
She passed by the spot she used to meet Sam, that was now empty, smiling at the roses now in bloom.
She then walked down the path, passing a lake, that lead all the way to the music school.
X
Sam took a silent moment to really examine and take in the structure he'd helped to build, that now stood glistening before him.
It was nearly complete. It would soon be ready for use, ready for her. If she would ever return to embracing this part of her. Tomorrow, his work would be done, it would be finished, finally.
He had already inspected various elements but, being who he was and the nature of the project he still went around each room, and double checked for himself that the fittings and all the elements were in place properly.
Now that everyone was gone at the end of the day, it was easier for him to take the time to go through step by step on his own, making sure it fit what he wanted.
He spent over an hour going through each room and all the different parts of the building.
Checking the slide of the glass doors, wondering the echo of his footsteps as he walked on the floor, the light fittings, the sounds as he hummed briefly, the light catching in the wall structures built, how it felt to touch, smell, be .
Does it feel like it should? He asked himself, each time.
Finally, he entered into the main auditorium, switching on the lights that filled the grand hall.
He walked down the steps, checking the seats, looking up at the ceiling and lights.
He walked onto the stage and looked out onto the audience, looking at the flooring, at the feel of the room.
He wouldn't hesitate to rip it all out and start again if it was not perfect.
Perfect for her.
For a moment he imagined her on this stage singing out to an enraptured audience.
He turned to look at the piano RJ had delivered, putting his hand on in it for a moment sharing a look with his reflection as d he remembered that strange dream from another time, when he first sang with her.
Sam then walked backstage to look and assess the multiple elements and machinery and electrics and lighting that would bring a performance to life.
X
The path was cast in dappled shade, from the trees that lined one side of it. On the other side, the reflection of the school was a crystal image in the lake that emerged and shone back at her, before she even reached it.
As Mercedes neared the building, she was greeted by the familiar maple trees she had always loved growing up in this place. She smiled realizing that they had been preserved.
The courtyard was full of flowers and color that greeted her as she walked towards it.
She knew it was going to be like this, she thought, as she stood up and looked at the building before her, she knew it was gong to be beautiful. She knew to expect it even though she also knew that it was probably presumptuous to do so. But now, to walk into a space that seemed to match and exceed that expectation was an extraordinary experience.
She entered through its glass doors, it was not locked to her relief and she imagined that there may still be a few people inside.
She'd be discreet, she thought, hoping no one would see her enter, not that anyone would mind but she imagined they would then feel the need to show her around.
As much as she appreciated Blaine's offer, she did not want the grand tour of the place, where she would feel the need to comment on everything she was shown and see the place through someone else's eyes. She would much rather discover the place for herself, and uncover each part for herself.
So she explored each room, each space, each nook, the fixtures, the textures, the view out on to the lake, the windows, and ceilings and corners, the garden encased within the building with light that poured from above, creating a core of light within the building itself, even the smell of the place, the light switches, the way it sounded when she walked across its polished hallways and how it felt when she let her hand sweep against the soothing textured walls.
Everything about the space felt like it was designed from a place in her soul and dreams that even she could not unlock. It was truly built for her. It fit around her like a perfectly tailored garment.
"Wow" she sighed as she absorbed it all.
She stood looking out into one of the recital halls, it was lit brightly by the light streaming in from the windows, she folded her arms around her self and rubbed her upper arm comfortingly, overwhelmed by the structure she had immersed herself in.
She walked down the hallway, taking a set of stairs on the side of the building that led her to another area, that led her to a door which she opened and found herself in the main auditorium.
She took a few steps inside.
Her eyes caught sight of the piano on the stage and instinctively she walked down the steps towards it, looking around the whole room as she entered, it seemed to hug her and welcome her, as if beckoning her to fill the space with her presence.
She stepped onto the stage and stood in front of the grand piano. She placed her hand on the cool ebony surface and smiled flatly at the reflection she saw.
Then she sat on the seat in front of the piano. Her fingers touched a few keys, the sound filled the room.
"Great acoustics" she thought to herself.
Sam who was lost amidst mentally ticking off another set of safety forms for wires and lighting in advance of the proper final check the electrician would do tomorrow, bolted upright suddenly on hearing the piano notes playing from behind him.
He narrowed his eyes and slowly turned around in the direction of the sound. He quietly walked back to the stage, and from the wings caught sight of the owner who had created the sound.
Mercedes.
Sam stopped in his tracks along with his heart. He did not want to startle her, but neither could he steal his eyes away from her. He hid back into the shadows and watched her silently occupy the stage that he'd only previously imagined her to enter.
Mercedes smiled at the sound of the keys trickling from her fingers. Which each note she played she played another forming a little playful tune, building on itself until a longer melody emanated from her as she committed to playing more.
She closed her eyes, and started to sing.
She stopped suddenly. And took a breath as if hearing her own voice sing once more was too painful.
Come on Mercedes come on.
She started again. Music for her was a way of expressing what was in side her and she took in another breath letting herself feel all that had unfolded around her, as the words carried widely across the room.
"Ever wonder about what he's doing,
How it all turned to lies?
Sometimes I think that it's better
To never ask why."
Listening to melodic words that sent shivers down his spine.
He felt the tightening of each hair follicle on his skin.
He sighed and looked back up her, compelled once more to stay and listen intently.
"Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame.
Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned.
But just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die,
You've gotta get up and try, try, try,
Gotta get up and try, try, try,
You gotta get up and try, try, try.
Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times.
Why do we fall in love so easy,
Even when it's not right?
Sam looked down at the floor. As her words hung in the air, it was the first time anyone had performed in this room, and it was only right that it should be her, and yet he could feel the pain inside them.
"Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame.
Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned.
But just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die,
You've gotta get up and try, try, try,
Gotta get up and try, try, try,
You gotta get up and try, try, try."
Mercedes heart was bursting as she sang, all her emotion was coming out, for her music and singing was always a way to express what was deep inside of her, of accepting it and letting show out in the world, and now there was no holding back as released it all within her.
"Ever worried that it might be ruined,
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing,
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by, by, by?"
Sam took in another sigh, as his back straightened, he wished he could go up and just hold her, but the words took a hold of him.
Her voice grew louder and she sung out more and more, surrounding him, drowning him in the chorus.
As she neared the end, her voice filled the room one last time until she grew softer as she ended completely.
Sam blinked back the tears that had formed in his own eyes. Seeing her play and sing, battling against herself and expressing something so deep within her that, it sent shivers down his spine, he was proud of her and what she'd just achieved, even though she would probably hate it if she knew he had been watching her.
He stepped back and slowly picked up his things, he smiled to himself, looking back one last time out to the stage smiled wistfully in her direction. Then slipped out silently.
It's finished, he sighed to himself, as he turned to look at the entire building one last time before the final inspection tomorrow and left, the image of her at the piano staying with him, it some how seemed more complete now.
Mercedes looked around her, sensing something, a presence that had been with her.
But the empty hall stared back at her.
She put her hand to her chest, feeling her heart beat wildly against her chest.
She sat for a while just taking in what had happened, her hands were tingling with life and her mind seemed to flood with all kinds of thoughts in a confused mix and excitement and hope at what had just happened. She slowly wiped away her tears and stood up walking out with her silent, private victory.
Mercedes returned home after her visit filled with a sense of wonder. She paced around her house, until finally she put her hand in her pocket and felt the note inside from Sam, and opened it to read it.
X
The completion day had finally arrived. The builders cleared their tools, the site office packed away. Trucks came and went. Final inspections were signed off and the workmen admired what they had achieved.
Sam thanked each one of them for their hard work and putting up with his demands.
RJ also paid a final visit before he had to go again and signed remaining forms. He shaking hands with all the contractors and thanked Sam and Blaine once more and Cooper who also came to see the final product and congratulate them.
"Thank you Sam" RJ said, taking Sam's hand in both of his and shaking it, "This is more than what I could have imagined"
Sam nodded and smiled, "I just followed from what you asked for"
Everyone slowly cleared out of the building and Sam took a moment to look at the structure on his own in silence.
He'd done it, he'd completed it. He let out a gust of air, made up of relief and a sense of accomplishment.
He turned his head toward the lake and took a final walk down to it, to say goodbye to the place that he had grown fond of over the time he'd been here and that would always hold a special place in his heart, for many reasons.
He walked slowly taking in his surroundings, until he arrived at the stone structure and saw that memorable profile sitting on the bench reading a piece of paper in her hand.
She looked up from where she sat on hearing his footsteps and looked up at him.
"I saw it" she said from where she sat, folding away the piece of paper.
Sam frowned not quite sure what she meant as he looked up at her from where he stood.
"The music school" she clarified and stood up to come towards him, "I snuck up there yesterday".
Sam nodded, he remembered yesterday and gave her a half smile that just about reached his eyes.
"It's beautiful" she said with awe as she approached him.
"I'm glad you like it" Sam pressed his lips together, she was happy that was all that mattered.
"How did you…How did you just know to…do that?"
Sam looked at her for a while unsure what her question meant, let alone how to answer what he thought she was asking.
"Just following the brief you father gave"
Mercedes nodded and her forehead wrinkled. She pursed her lips together.
"Why do you do that?" she said her tone changing suddenly.
"Do what?"
"Just shrug it off like that"
"I'm not shrugging anything off" Sam said. "I just did what I did"
Mercedes blinked at him and her eyes travelled intently across his face, like she was reading him.
"You're a hypocrite Sam"
"What?" Sam looked at her, creases formed across his forehead.
"You heard what I said," she said it with strange tedious smile that crept upon her lips and eyes, "You're a hypocrite."
Sam shook his head, "What makes you say that?"
She took the paper in her hand and unfolded it waved it in the air.
"You tell me not to give up, you write me this letter and yet you refuse to embrace life yourself."
Sam just took in her words.
Her voice hardened as she spoke "Here you are pretending to encourage me to live, and be alive, and you don't even try do it yourself"
"That's not true"
"You're surviving. You're brilliant at surviving"
Sam narrowed his eyes.
"But you're useless at living"
"What do you mean?"
"What is it you're doing here Sam? Why would you come here and torture yourself in this place, everyday? Working at that music school all hours… I mean why bother? Why do that?"
Sam stood still and took just her in.
"Because of you" he said.
She shook her head.
"Because I wanted to finish what I started…. I wanted to finish it… for you"
"And then what? Walk away?"
"If only it were so easy" Sam sighed, because no matter how many times he might try to do that, be couldn't do it, he could not stop searching for her or thinking about her and wishing she was with him.
Mercedes just watched him as he sighed, and saw how the lost look in his eye returned once more.
"Maybe it would be easier for you if you just say it outloud" she wondered out loud.
A wrinkle formed between Sam's eyes, "Say what?"
"Say what I did" she looked so calm, and yet it was a shallow cover for the growing challenge was throwing at Sam.
"Mercedes"
She spoke almost cheerfully as if she was asking him to tell her about his weekend, "I want to hear you say it"
"Why?"
"Because I need to know that it's ok" she reasoned and looked at the ground, "That it's not something you hold over me"
"I don't hold it over you" he insisted.
"Then just say it" she threw back her words at him, in her mind if he had no problem with it, if he truly accepted it, then there should be no problem saying it.
"Will that make you feel better about it?" The creases along his forehead embedded further, as he shook his head, resistant.
"Maybe! I don't know" she shook her head and folded her arms.
Mercedes tilted her head up and to the sky, as if trying to gather strength from the heavens above her. The paper still clutched in her hands as she turned her head to look back at him.
"You know what I think" she mused "I think…that maybe the reason that you never told me what happened, was because you yourself couldn't admit that I had done something so horrible to you and your family that you couldn't even say it… So you pretended it never happened, maybe, if you never said it out loud, then you could pretend that the two things weren't even connected"
Sam's forehead wrinkled and he shook his head, "That's not true"
"Isn't it?" She stared hard at him, waiting for the evidence that would state the contrary, "Then what's so hard about saying it to me? What was so hard about ever saying it to me?"
Sam paused and thought about her question.
"Ok then." his eyes suddenly became expressionless as they looked back at hers and he spoke again, he did not know why she needed this, but maybe it would help her, "My family were driving late one night seven nearly eight years ago now to come and visit me. There was something on the road and the car on the opposite side of the road lost control to avoid it …"
"No. No. Not that version" her index finger pointed upwards as she stopped him, she pointed to her self "The version where I was the driver"
Sam studied her with narrowed eyes, confused at why she was insisting on doing this to herself.
"You were driving late one night, trying to get back home…" he began slowly ".and something on the road – lightning flash- or something caused you to swerve…and lose control of your car…and when you did…"
Mercedes watched him, her eyes focused hard on him, with one hand on her hip, as he stood looking back at her uttering the words she demanded him to speak, waiting for him to say it.
Keep going, her eyes urged.
And Sam sighed.
"When you did…you swerved towards another car…"
"Who's car?" she demanded.
Sam stared back at her before he continued.
"My family's car. They swerved to avoid hitting into you and lost control and crashed…"
"Then what happened?" she pushed once more, her arms folded across her chest"What happened to them after I caused them to swerve and they crashed…?"
"They all died in the end…all except my sister Stacey who survived" Sam let out large breath of air as if the air that carried words he just spoke on his tongue were too distasteful to retain inside him.
Mercedes sighed, her shoulders fell slightly in relief at finally hearing it being said, at hearing him say it, like he should have that day back at his apartment when he struggled to find the words.
"There." Sam shook his head. He just did not understand what she was doing or why. He could not make sense of the rationale behind forcing him to inflict this story on her.
His palms raised in defeat and he spoke with rising frustration from where he stood "Does that make you feel better? Does that help? Is that what you wanted?"
Mercedes fell silent. She did not even know why she was doing this anymore herself. She looked down at the letter in her hand. She just needed to understand Sam better. How he came to know who she was after she came out of her coma and never said anything and yet insisted on being around her. She needed to understand how he could stand in her presence and not hate her and instead create something as amazing as the music school and yet still somehow not tell her the truth. She needed to understand how that even computed.
"Mercedes, you need to see things for what they are now…not what it seemed like then "
Sam just looked at her as Mercedes lowered her head, and observed the ground. He thought yesterday when he saw her playing and singing that she was moving forward, accepting things, but she kept finding herself stumble on the same painful point over and over and did not know what he could do to help her.
"I don't know what to say anymore…" Sam said watching her fall into herself.
Deep down inside what Mercedes had really wanted him to answer, if she was brave enough to ask him, was if what he'd written in his letter was true, i and how he possibly could be, and if he really meant any of it, why did he seem so cut off now.
Sam could see her rising discomfort and reminded himself of how he now made her feel, and that was probably nearer to repulsion then any kind of liking.
"But you know what, I can see that even now, it's hard for you and that I remind you too much… So yes, now I've finished, I am going to walk away and leave you in peace"
Mercedes heart broke at his words but she dare not look up at him because then he'd notice her forming tears and she was not sure she wanted him to see her feel so affected.
"Which I think I better go and do now" Sam said sensing the rising distress that he seemed to be inflicting on her with each thing he said and walked away, crushing his own heart with his footsteps.
.
I don't know how it got like this. I don't mean to torture you guys- tSam and Mercedes are just doing their own thing now, I can't control them.
As I said, Ch30 is nearly done if it's any consolation.
Song- Try by Pink (Special thanks to Vonanna22 for this song suggestion)
