(Tris)

I sit on the floor of Cara's bathroom for a long time, forehead on the edge of the tub, not talking. Cara leans against the door, cross-legged and patient, dragging the corner of the box beneath her nail.

I'm pregnant. Me.

"Jesus Christ, Cara," I finally whisper, setting my hands on the floor and looking up. My head, as I lift it, feels heavy enough to snap off my neck entirely. I wish for a swamp to swallow me. I wish for my mom. "What am I going to do?"

I have to tell Caleb.

I have to tell Christina.

I have to tell - Oh God.

I splash some water on my face and drive back the way I came, toward Tobias and the apartment building. It's past twilight, the trees silhouetted starkly against the sky.

I speed. I speed a lot, actually, and when I make the left turn onto my street, I come within centimeters of slamming into a canary yellow pickup truck and very nearly kill myself. I very nearly kill myself and my kid.

The blaring horn fades into the distance and I pull over in front of my apartment building, two hands shaking on the wheel. I think of my parents and near misses, wonder why on earth things happen the way they do. I miss them more than I ever have, if that's possible.

"Mom," I say suddenly, talking to her like she's sitting in the passenger seat beside me. I've never done that, not in all the months she's been gone. "I miss you so much. And it would have been really great of you to stick the hell around and help me out."

A car whizzes by. My mom doesn't reply.

I finally pull it together enough to get out of the car and walk to my apartment. I'm thankful when Tobias isn't there. I know where he is - across the hall with Christina and Matthew. When one of us isn't home, we often join them for dinner.

I clean up the living room and kitchen, the two rooms that have essentially fallen apart over the last week. I mop the floors and wipe the counters, fold blankets and pick up dog toys.

I have to take two breaks to throw up.

Eventually I drag myself the four feet to Christina's apartment and walk in.

I find her first, sweating onions in the kitchen. "Meat sauce," she tells me instead of hello, and then: "I didn't know you were here." She lays one cool hand on my cheek, like she's checking for a fever, for something she senses but can't prove. "You feeling any better?"

I shrug and then hug her, impulsively and hard. She smells clean and familiar, vanilla and home.

"I'm okay," I manage, trying to calm my breathing. "I'm fine."

"Well," she sounds surprised, and it occurs to me that we haven't been spending much time together lately. "Set the table, then."

I do just that, and halfway through, familiar arms wrap around my waist, soft lips against my shoulder. I turn and hug him tightly, breathing him in to try and keep it together.

"Hi Tris," he says, and he looks so happy to see me, it almost breaks my heart. "You're not staying with Caleb and Cara?"

"Nope," I say, trying to keep my voice even. "I'm staying right here."

...

I stick close to them for the next few days, helping Christina with meals and work, and shadowing Tobias at home. I know I'm going to lose them both. I know they'll always love me, but they'll never look at me the same way again. And oddly, I want to soak them up while I still have the chance.

So I wash the crimson strawberries with Christina and help Tobias with city plans. I'm officially the ambassador of Dauntless, thanks to Amar and the promise he made me weeks ago.

We get no news of Marcus. He simply vanished, which is more unnerving than if he showed up at our door.

Whenever I try to make a plan, to wrap my mind around what's happening, or say something to Tobias, my thoughts just kind of... slip away. I don't know how to deal with what's coming. So I don't.

That works for awhile. I know I'm going to have to speak up about it sometime, but there's a part of me that starts to believe that maybe I made the whole thing up. Maybe I imagined taking the test in Cara's bathroom. Maybe I'd never left Abnegation at all.

...

It takes everyone more than a full week to become suspicious and worried. And I can't blame them - my enthusiasm and attendance to invitations is spotty, to put it mildly. Once, when Zeke came over and tried to get my opinion on a new city project, I rolled over on the couch and ignored him.

"God damn it, Tris," he'd mumbled, like there was nothing unusual about my behavior. "Pain in my ass."

Then, on Sunday morning, I come through the door later than usual, having spent a good fifteen minutes staring at the contents of the grocery store aisle, trying to remember whether we needed bread or milk, and then managing to make two different wrong turns as I drove home. I'm scaring myself. I'm having trouble motivating myself enough to care.

I'm going to head straight to the cool and quiet guestroom - I've been spending a lot of time staring at the wall - but Tobias is sitting on the couch like a tin soldier, waiting.

"Hi, Tris," he says gently when I come in.

I blink. "Um," I say, dropping the groceries on the floor where I stand. I feel vaguely sick. "Hi."

My first thought is that he knows about the baby somehow, that he'd intuited just by virtue of knowing me, and the relief I feel in that moment is overwhelming. Then I realize that's not it at all.

He holds out his arms and I walk into them, suddenly very tired, from lack of sleep and from the rest of it.

"Tris, what's wrong? You've been so... absent lately. I'm worried. What happened? What can I do?" he murmurs into my hair.

"What can you do?" I repeat. I have a sharp, ridiculous urge to laugh. "I don't think you can do anything."

"What?" he asks, confused.

I take a deep breath and step back.

And I almost tell him everything. But then fear freezes the blood in my veins and stops my words.

"Nothing," I lie. "It's nothing. I guess I'm just really worried because of Marcus."

He nods immediately, and he looks so empathetic and understanding that it makes everything in me hurt.

We go through the motions, him assuring that we'll be fine, me wanting so badly to believe it.

...

A/N: Please review! :)