CHAPTER 29 – Trying to convince everyone (including myself) what is best for me

New York, 2015, 14th of February

I was counting every minute and second, I had never been a fan of waiting, but since last May, every kind of waiting had transformed into synonymous of some tragic nightmare. I had decided to never again wait for anybody or anything. It would be definitely better to take what I wanted than wait for something I couldn't have. But unfortunately, on that Saturday morning I was once again waiting. That time on Central Station, for Quinn and Puck. They were about to come at 11 AM, but it was already 11.35 AM, and it was announced that their train would have another 15 minutes delay.

It was Valentine's Day, but I didn't have any plans for the evening. Yesterday I had said Nikki, that I wouldn't be able to meet her cause my long not seen friends were about to come. It wasn't exactly true, of course they were coming, but we didn't have any common plans for that day, I even had predicted that they would have completely personal and intimate activities planned for tonight, but anyway I wasn't ready for Valentine's date with Nikki. For two weeks we had been having great sex and had been on few outgoings, like cinema or dinner, but it hadn't been anything even close to so called romantic dates. I had found it as friends or co-workers regular meetings, which had had its final in bed. Valentine's date wouldn't fit into that scheme. And I didn't want to make any changes. It was comfortable the way it worked. I was pleased cause for few weeks my mind had been much more clearer, I had been able to sleep every night without dreams about Britt, I had had more energy thanked to satisfying sex life, at work it had been ok, nothing had changed, Nikki had been acting like before. So I was glad and content, sure that finally I had found right way to live through my life.

I looked at the clock, it was 11.53 AM. I felt temptation to skip that waiting, but on the other hand I felt excitement, while I thought about meeting with Quinn and Puck. So I waited few minutes more, finally on 11.59 AM I saw them. I had to admit that they looked great together. Quinn was even more beautiful than at school, after having sex with her I could admit that she was breathtaking beauty. Before that event it had been a matter of competition between us, then I had had possibility to count it as my trophy, having such a hot girl in my bed. And now she looked more beautiful, cause she was more mature and maybe even more confident. She looked hot as hell. And Puck, well if I could be interested, I definitely would be. There had been nothing left from that funky boy from McKinley High, at that moment he was handsome, well-kept and attractive man. And together both of my exes, if I could count Quinn as my ex, looked just smoking hot. But what hit me more than that, for the first time I had seen that they were not just a physically beautiful couple, cause it was also easy to see love, which they were sharing, with their moves, gestures, looks. "Santana are you little jealous? No way, love is for kids. I don't want it anymore."

- Welcome in New York! – I greeted them with a lot of enthusiasm. I was sincerely glad to see them. I had already forgotten about that waiting thing.

- Hi San. You look hot as hell. – Puck winked at me.

- Don't say that if you don't want her to be jealous. – I responded with sexy pose and tone.

- Have you already forgotten that jealousy is the best thing for heating up atmosphere? Are out of the play Santana? – Puck smiled at me. But seeing my face, he must have realized that his comment wasn't funny at all.

- Don't be afraid. I won't be jealous. Not now. – Quinn smiled mysteriously.

- What do you mean? Do you think that now I wouldn't be able to seduce any man I chose. – I realized that in my voice, there could be something between anger and resentment noticed.

- I know that, but I also know that you won't choose any man. Not again. Right?

- Right. But potentially every woman still should consider me as a treat.

- And I have something else on my mind, but it's a secret, I will tell you later.

- So, let's go now. I have spent too much time on Central Station today.

We entered restaurant about 9 PM. It had been impossible to get ready earlier, when at apartment there had been four people, who had needed long session in front of the mirror before departure. Fortunately Quinn had made online reservation, cause other way there would be no chance to get any free table at Valentine's evening.

- We look like group of desperadoes.

- What do you mean Rachel? Do you really have to start your complaining on every occasion? – Hearing sound of her voice, I felt that some new drama was coming. What would it be that time, bad hair-do, not enough elegant dress, water unhealthy for her voice.

- Everywhere around us there are couples, and we …

- We are group of friends, something's wrong with that? – I asked her immediately, before she was able to finish, trying to stop my need to be rude.

- On Valentines we all should be on dates, it's pathetic to be alone at that night. It's so not right in the light of publicity.

- Rachel we are all together, you are not alone. Being here as five it's better, the likelihood of boredom and quarrels are minimized. – Puck added, putting a lot of effort into remaining serious, even if it was so easy to notice that he was about to laugh out loud. Looking at him at that moment I hoped that maybe after all old Puckerman hadn't disappeared completely.

- And do you really need to have somebody to show him to the whole world on one day in the year or do you want to share your life with somebody, to wake up next to him on every morning? – Quinn asked Rachel with disbelief. Could it be the beginning of new era for miss Fabray, the phase of being hopelessly romantic or it was just temporary state of mind connected with her happiness in relationship with Puck.

- Of course that second option would be better, but at that moment of my career, I don't have enough time to build any serious relationship.

Rachel said that without any sign of jesting in her voice. Quinn exchanged some full of meaning look with me and then with Puck. Probably at that moment three of us thought that it was possible that Rachel really believed in that statement but it also could be only an excuse to not feel sorry for herself.

- Talking about serious relationships … – Puck started, but he wasn't able to finish cause Quinn put her fingers on his lips. Looking at her hand I realized what that meeting would be about.

- Baby, let me announce that. – Quinn was shining. I thought that probably it was the way that true happiness looked like. Puck raised his hands in gesture of giving up, she took her hand from his mouth and all in smiles delivered big news. – We are getting married.

- When?

- Where?

- How?

- Are you pregnant?

Rachel and Kurt competed in asking questions. But finally when they stopped, we got some more details. The wedding would take place in June, after Quinn's graduation. Location had been already chosen, it would be big party for about 150 people, organized in hotel few miles from Lima, next to some creek. I wasn't very much involved in discussion about organizational issues. In my mind I went away to totally different place, I recalled my own daydream about wedding with Britt, but that time as my bride I saw Nicole. I wasn't able to imagine her wearing a dress, so she was standing next to me in some elegant, white suit, without shirt under it, so her boobs were quite visible. She looked sexy. I surprised myself with that thought. In my fantasy she was smiling at me, before she confessed "I love you", and then I smiled back at her.

- Why are you smiling, San? – I heard Quinn's voice, as if it was coming from other galaxy.

- What?

- Are you listening to us?

- No … No, I mean that yes.

- Are you ill or in love? – Quinn asked curiously.

- As if it wouldn't be the same state of mind. – Kurt added with nostalgic gaze.

- I don't have any idea what are you guys talking about. I smiled, cause I was happy for you two. Nothing more.

- If you say so. Anyway, before you smiled with that dazed gaze, I had asked you a question, and I'm still waiting for an answer.

- What question?

- So you weren't listening. I was right.

- Ok, I have to admit. But I was thinking about my work, to clear that up.

- Oh, really? About work or boss? – Rachel put her two cents in.

- Yes, really Rachel, only about work. And that question Quinn, what was it?

- Will you be my first bridesmaid?

- Yes of course! – I answered immediately and with lot of sincere enthusiasm. I stood up and hugged her. I was really happy.

We came back to our apartment about 3 AM. I was exhausted, but really glad. It had been nice evening. It had felt really good to be around friends, with someone besides Rachel and Kurt.

After little mess with using bathroom, everybody went to bed. Rachel to her bedroom, Kurt to the living room, to makeshift sleeping place on the couch, and our lovebirds to Kurt's bedroom. I was in mine room, already in bed, when I heard knocking.

- May I? – It was Quinn.

- Come in. Or wait, Puck will be jealous?! After all we have shared bed once.

- Maybe even twice.

- Maybe. So?

- Don't worry, he would be more than happy to see us together during some hot lesbian sex.

- Do you want to offer him something like that as pre-wedding gift?

- Not really.

- And so?

- I want to talk.

- So come here.

She joined me, under my quilt. I knew that her statement about our hot lesbian sex, it had been nothing more than joke. But it was inexplicably nice thought that I could have both of them, that I was so hot and impossible to resist.

- It's late. Aren't you tired? – I asked her out of concern, not as manifestation of desire to get rid of her.

- Not really, since engagement I have been so excited that sleep was last point on my list.

- Sex for 24/7?

- That's too.

- I see that you are really happy, it was worth to w … – I paused, cause I didn't know how to end that sentence, and I definitely didn't want to tell that anything could be worth waiting. Cause I hated all kind of waiting.

- Waiting?

- Yes, but I was looking for more accurate word.

- But it is true, we have been waiting. At high school we weren't ready to be together, we needed some separate time, to grow and to get to know that all that we wanted was so close for all the time.

- But you haven't been passively waiting.

- And you are still waiting, passively?

- No.

- That's good. I was afraid that you wouldn't be at better shape than on Christmas.

- I am.

- Can we talk about the reasons, or is it a secret?

- There is no reason for that.

- There is always something.

- It's only time.

- Really?

- Maybe not.

- So? Don't be so mysterious. Is there somebody new? Kurt and Rachel didn't want to say anything.

- Really? I don't buy it.

- Ok, maybe they said something, that's why I want to know some more details. You will be my first bridesmaid. I have to know, who you will bring to the wedding.

- So maybe I will give up that function. If that's a problem.

- Stop, Santana I'm just joking. And I want to know as your friend not as a future bride.

- Ok, ok, ok. But don't be so excited, cause there is nothing to be excited about.

- Alright, I'm just listening.

- I decided to stop thinking about Brittany, I'm not interested in her anymore, she disappeared from my life, first physically and then mentally. I was too tired of waiting.

- Not every time waiting is worth it.

- True. So I'm not waiting anymore. That's it.

- Don't be so frugal in words. Maybe some hot details and some reasons for smiling at yourself? Are you in love with that Nicole?

- Fuck, so they told you, little gossipers.

- No, it's only my sixth sense.

- And probably they added a lot spicy details from their own imagination.

- So clear it up.

- She is my boss. We have great sex. I like spending time with her, but nothing more.

- It could be complicated, boss, lover and friend. Hard to connect, right?

- It's risky, but as far I have been glad.

- Only glad?

- Only.

- Any butterflies in the stomach?

- All insects flew away with Brittany. But it's even better, I came back to my old motto, that without feelings life was better.

- Maybe easier?

- Easier and better.

I heard knocking again, that time it was Puck.

- I have to be rescued from all that pink pillows.

- I thought that you would like Kurt's place, it's definitely more romantic that mine. So …

- But I can't be alone there. Quinn right now, let's go!

- Just a minute baby, we are in the middle of something.

- Can I join you, girls? Any chance for triangle?

- Fuck off, Puck. – I throw pillow at him.

- Interesting foreplay. – He hit back at me.

Our pillow fight was finished when Quinn punched him and he in return caught her and lifted on his shoulders and started to kiss passionately.

- Find another room guys.

- Bye, San.

They left my room, Puck carried her in his arms. I could easily stated that I was little jealous. At the same time it was the first moment since dinner, when I was able to think about why I had fantasized about wedding with Nikki. It was strange and unexpected. Maybe I didn't want to think about it at all. I looked at my phone it was 4.05 AM, and I had one new message. Nikki had sent it, before midnight.

"Happy Valentine's Day and so on. I wish that you didn't refuse heart-shaped chocolates, teddy bear and some hot Valentine's love making. Maybe next year you won't be afraid to meet me on that most romantic day in the year? xoxo Nikki"

I typed and clicked on "Send" before I could properly consider my response.

"Thanks for wishes. Why do you think that I was afraid of anything? San"

In few seconds, I got another text message from her.

"Maybe you were afraid that you could fall in love ;-) with little help of that magical day."

Once again I responded without consideration.

"Why aren't you asleep, have you been waiting for my answer till the next morning?"

I didn't know why I didn't put the phone down and go sleep. I had to admit that I was waiting, yes I was waiting again. Finally after few minutes her answer came.

"Not really, I'm at the party. But as you know, my phone is always with me."

Now I was sure that it was time to go to sleep. I did not want to admit that even to myself that thought that she was at some party was not the most pleasant one.

"Ok, so have a nice time. Bye"

I turned off the phone, I didn't want to receive any other messages. I didn't know where and with whom she was at that party. It shouldn't matter to me, but I felt something like little twinge of jealousy.

- I want to meet her.

In our kitchen, during breakfast Quinn was looking at me, but I was pretending that she wasn't talking to me or that I didn't understand what she was talking about.

- San, I'm talking to you.

- About what?

- About your Nicole.

- There is nobody, whom you can call my Nicole.

- So just Nicole.

- Why?

- Because, I want to know if she is really good for you, I know what you need, I'm your friend, and according to Rachel's opinion, I could be worried.

- Come on. Since when Rachel's opinion could mean anything?

- I just want to meet her. Don't be afraid.

- Fuck, I'm not afraid of anything. But I don't see any sense in that.

- So threat it as pre-wedding gift for bride, whose maid you will be.

- Great. Now everything will be about your wedding.

- Let me enjoy that in full spectrum.

- Ok … you should know that no me gusta but I will ask her to join us tomorrow for dress searching.

- It's not a good idea. – Rachel spoke up. I hadn't noticed that she was in the kitchen. I looked at her with glare. – I'm only saying that she might be bored on that kind of meeting.

- And why the hell do you care about that?

- In addition, she might hamper us in choosing dress, she does know nothing at all about dresses.

- It's my dress and I don't have anything against it. So San, I'm expecting to meet her tomorrow.

- I can't promise that she will be interested and available, she works a lot.

- No excuses.

- Hi Nikki.

- Hi, my shrew.

- I'm not yours and I'm not shrew.

- Maybe a little?

- Maybe I'm a bit like shrew, but only sometimes. And definitely I'm not yours. Anyway I'm calling with some offer.

- Sex or sex?

- Not this time.

- Uuuu … it's a shame.

- I can agree with you.

- So why do you want to offer something else?

- I promised.

- So? What's up?

- Tomorrow, 5 PM, 5th Avenue, boutiques with wedding gowns, are you in?

- Fuck, Santana, I am not prepared for proposal. Still I have not bought a ring.

- But maybe I did.

- For something like that I'm even less ready.

- Let's go off these jokes, it's about Quinn.

- Queen of England or Freddie's band?

- My friend Quinn, she is getting married, I will be the first bridesmaid and she wants to meet you.

- Why? I'm sure that I won't be helpful in some wedding store.

- We all know that, Rachel warned Quinn, but she wants to meet you as my potential partner for wedding.

- Hmm. Are we going together? It's probably as serious as proposal.

- Come on, I'm just not ready to go alone, it would hurt my pride too much and looking for somebody for one evening, it's just a waste of time.

- If you say so.

- Anyway, still it's not an invitation, only a friend's meeting in a store. Who knows what will happen till June. Is it clear?

- Yes.

- So?

- I'll come.

- Ok. And today, aren't you tired?

- No, but why should I and why are you asking?

- Nothing.

- Party was nice. But not so exhausting, I didn't get locked up in bathroom with anybody.

- I am not asking about that.

- Really?

- No. Anyway I have to go, Quinn is calling me.

- Bye.

We were standing in the front of Saks Salon, waiting for Nikki. It was 4.55 PM. Probably she was still at work, or on her way from office. I had day off, in the morning we had been in Central Park with Puck and Kurt, then boys had gone in their own direction (even if Kurt would rather advise in choosing dress for Quinn), and we had already visited few stores.

- This ring is so beautiful, Puck has wonderful taste. – Rachel looked at Quinn's hand with longing gaze.

- And big. He must have spent lot of money on it. – I added.

- Don't be such a materialist. Size doesn't matter. It's all about feelings.

- If you say so, Rach. – I winked at Quinn. Probably both of us had some dirty thoughts at that moment.

- I wish that I …

- What?

- I was thinking about Finn, we … it was possible for us to be married, but it didn't happen. And now I will never get married.

- Why? – I looked at her surprised, even if that wasn't so surprising, after all who would want to marry her and listen to her complaining and fantasies about Broadway, till death tear them apart.

- I don't have time for that. Broadway is waiting.

I exchanged some meaningful glances with Quinn. It was funny how Rachel was excusing everything with mantra about Broadway. Sometimes when I wasn't so focused on myself, I was able to see that she was lonely. I was sure that Broadway was only an excuse, that deep inside she was afraid to get involved again. I didn't know why, but Kurt was doing the same. Maybe they both were waiting for something as spectacular as their relationships with Finn and Blaine. It was stupid, waiting was stupid. Or maybe I wanted to ensure myself that getting substitute for love was way better than waiting.

- Hi, I'm sorry for being late.

- You must be Nicole, right?

- Yes. And you are probably bride to be, Quinn.

- That's right. San, are you here with us? Your girl is here.

- She is not my girl!

It had been nice afternoon. Quinn had chosen wonderful dress, in which she had been more gorgeous than some princess or even real queen. Nikki had been having fun, had been sociable and humorous as always. Everything had gone well.

- San? – Quinn visited my bedroom as it had happened two previous nights in the row.

- Hm?

- I'm surprised.

- Because?

- Nikki is different, I mean that I was prepared for the way she looked like, but …

- Oh, come on Quinn. Not every girl has to look like a Barbie doll.

- No, it's not about that she is a butch. Is it a right word?

- Yes, it is. But I don't think that it's accurate. She has her own style, she doesn't have to wear dresses to be feminine woman.

- But I'm talking about the way she was acting. She was joking, I'm sure that she is smart, nice, interesting. I noticed that she was giving you some challenges, that there was some game between two of you.

- And so what?

- She is not your type, physically, but she has interesting personality.

- What's your point?

- She seems to be better option for relationship than for one night's stands.

- I don't know what are you trying to tell me.

- It's strange that you have sex with somebody, you are not attracted too, and it's not a relationship, while you are getting along so well.

- It's really simple. I'm not attracted to her, so I could have sex with her without any feelings, and it's not dangerous for our friendship. We are friends with benefits, but in better option, we couldn't be attracted to one another, so nobody will be hurt, cause nobody will fall in love. It's simple situation with risk minimized to zero. Only one bad point is the fact that she is my boss, but I can handle that.

- I'm not so sure.

- But I'm. Better admit that you don't want me to bring her to the wedding. Cause your family won't accept butch and femme lesbian couple, which are not a couple after all, but nobody could treat them as friends, cause it's so obvious that there is something more in it, cause in your opinion she is trying to look like a man.

- Come on, you are unfair, it's totally out of question. You can bring whoever you want. And I don't know why you are saying that I think that she wants to look like a man. It's not true.

- Whatever you think, she doesn't want and doesn't look like a guy, I don't see it that way and I have to admit that I'm starting to like her style. And after all in our pseudo relation everything that matters to me is happening without clothes, and there is no option to mistake sexes.

- You are bad girl San, you know that.

- Santana Lopez is back and this topic is closed.

She raised her hands in gesture of giving up and changed subject into more comfortable. We discussed list of things to do before June. It was quite long list … these few months would be busy … and that would be great addition to my new, improved way of handling with the past. By the way I had to boast that I did not remember the last time I had dreamed about Britt, it had been quite long ago, definitely more than a week.