That would explain why you haven't found me then, Debby.

Was reading some of me old one shots,I do hope my writing hasn't deteriorated.

How morbid a person I am, Ouch.


Chp:What's the matter, What's the matter with you lately? (Milo Greene)

You've drifted far away during this meeting, quite uncaring for what was being discussed. You feel rather impatient and restless, fiddling with your pen. Your mind's gone blank, and has been the same for the past few days. You feel like clay, quite disconnected with everything that was taking and bending you, understandably so. The realization that Gail would be better off with Robin had drained whatever was left of you. You feel hollow, a mere shell of the person you once were. There seems to be no light at this end of the tunnel and you're too weary to find another way out. You've given in to circumstances - happiness and bliss a far dream for you. You aren't questioning how things got this way, you feel too superficial to consider that. If you could see yourself, you doubt you would have recognized yourself- mentally that is. You're just a physical body, walking down the hallway to get back to your lab - completely devoid of thought.

That's precisely when Gail sees you and rushes after you - you don't stop and turn around, you're too harrowed to think of doing that. You know she's telling you something, as she draws you into a nearby room, except you can't hear her. Or don't feel like hearing her - you couldn't figure. As you enter the room, a chill creeps over your body when you realize you recognize this room intimately. It snaps you out of your uncaring daze. Your mind goes back to the sweet memory of her kissing you in this very room, and that wrenches your heart farther when you see that you had to tell her to go back to Robin.

Gail doesn't notice that you're distracted, she was busy trying to figure out what she wanted to say. Your breath feels shaky and your hands are trembling - but you're doing your best to hide that.

"I was thinking", she finally begins , "that we need to talk - so I was thinking maybe we could meet for dinner tonight and - "

"I think you should go back to Robin, Gail." you state, as calmly as you could - keeping your voice flat. You hadn't wanted to say it outright, but it was killing you to tell her and it was killing you to not tell her.

Gail was taken aback at that, sure that she had misheard that.

"What?" she asked, to clarify.

"You should go back to Robin." you repeat, this time your voice trembling as you finished the sentence, a slight catch in your throat.

Gail was speechless for a moment, drinking in that you just said that. You are just plain torn between the sweet memory of that kiss playing in your mind and the reality of what was happening.

"You don't mean that." Gail finally breathes, shocked.

You don't say anything to that, not sure what words would come out of your mouth if you did say something.

"You don't mean that. " Gail says again, her breathing getting shallow. "You asked me to tell her and now you're saying - "

"I didn't ask you to tell her." you snap back, almost reflexively. Gail swallows at that, knowing it was true. She shakes her head and tries again.

"I don't understand - I thought you - I thought you loved me." Gail reasons and you know you can't manage staying in this room for long.

"You thought wrong." you urge impatiently, mentally telling yourself that this was the better alternative. It was better to tell Gail this than to break her heart after having her fall in love with you again.

"What?" Gail mutters, barely audible.

"I don't love you." you finish, swallowing hard and staring right at Gail as you say it. You had mentally rehearsed it a million time in the last few days - but nothing had prepared you for Gail's broken face and trembling knees. You don't wait to hear anything more, and you pull open the door and walk out the interrogation room as calm as you could, wrapping your arms tight around yourself as you walked on.


It's been a long day, needless to say. You just want to get back home and fall asleep. Sleep seemed to be your only escape from everything. After all, in your dreams - life was infinitely easier. You didn't have to constantly walk around with a heavy heart in your dreams. So, naturally getting home and seeing that Gail was there annoyed you.

Stepping into the house, your dad softly informed you that you had a guest and you know very well it was Gail. You aren't sure what she had to say - but you most certainly hadn't thought this would happen. You should have remembered that Gail was as stubborn as you.

"Gail, what are you doing here." you state, plainly annoyed. You know your dad's standing at the doorway, silently watching.

"There's something you're not telling me." Gail retorted back, standing up and facing you. And you don't have the energy for this.

"I've told you everything there is to say." you coldly reply, holding on to your composure. The last thing you wanted right now was a scene.

"You're lying - I know you're lying." Gail shook her head back, stubborn as ever.

"I'm telling you I've said I had to say." you yell back, losing your cool.

"Holly, dear, perhaps you should tell her." you dad interrupts and that makes you snap.

"Dad, stay out of this!" you bite at him, immediately guilty that you had to speak roughly at him. He sighs as he leaves the room, leaving the two of you alone. Emotions were high in the room, and you were angry - at everything.

"Tell me what Holly?" Gail slowly asks, her own temper rising.

"It's nothing." you huff, rubbing the sweat off your forehead.

"Tell me what Holly! Gail repeats, her voice louder this time, and you're still silent, not noticing the tears that have welled up in your eyes. You're glaring back at Gail with a stern face, and you can see she's quite on the verge of stepping over to you and shaking you thoroughly.

"What is it!" Gail yells, losing all her cool and taking a step towards you.

"I have cancer! Ok?" you shout back, and that stops Gail in her tracks. Now that you've started, you can't stop.

"I have cancer - and there's every chance that I'm going to die and there's nothing much I can do about it! OK?!" you rant, not noticing that all the blood's drained from Gail's face. She's staring back at you in pale horror, and your tears have streaked down your face.

The room is silent for a few minutes after that. You can hear Gail's shallow breathing, spite your own deep, hard pants. Gail had settled into the nearest chair, you're leaning against a wall, still on an edge.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Gail asks, her voice soft and almost broken. You don't really have an answer to that, so you're just staring at the floor silently, trying to stop your tears.

"So - this afternoon was you making some sort of sacrifice for the greater good or something?" Gail questions, her words getting louder and louder.

"It's the truth -"

"OH stop behaving like some emotional teenager Holly!" Gail cries out, getting up off her chair and glaring angrily at you.

"It's for the best Gail." you yell over her voice.

"Don't." Gail cuts you yet again, but you refuse to back down.

"You should be happy Gail - and you can be happy with Robin, she'll take you back - " Gail just grabs your by your shoulders, shaking you quite roughly.

"Damn it Holly! Do you really want me to go back to her? Do you want me to leave you and go back to her? Gail rants, her face inches from yours, her eyes looking angrily into yours. After a moment, you gather your thoughts.

"Leave." you state, pulling yourself out of Gail's grasp. Gail, however knows that's she's lost this round, and mutters in anger as she stamps out of the room and out of your house, leaving you all alone to your thoughts.