FYI: There is A LOTof drunken cussing and bad language in here, but hey—such are the consequences of too much liquor.
Yes, Penny MAY BE Out of Character—don't be surprised or offended. But I do imagine she could be this way. I certainly have known girls this way...
All in all, FUN chapter. ENJOY!
Once again, I reread it as much as humanly possible. Errors indicate that I am human.
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Thank goodness tomorrow is Saturday, Sheldon thought as they all bustled out of the night club way later than he would have preferred.
Penny was gabbing with her friends, all of whom were intoxicated beyond the legal limit of appropriate. Sheldon stood next to his friends, tugging at his sleeves and crossing his arms. He didn't have a jacket on to slip his hands into pockets, so he just waited for Penny to follow them to the car. Raj was still talking to the girl from before and Howard had gotten Bernadette's phone number. It was Leonard who actually drank the least amount (only two drinks) and was driving them home, while the others had already gotten their designated drivers.
"Hey! I wasn't the one looking!" came a loud voice from the crowd of women and some men. It was Penny.
"Yea, you did, bitch!" That was another woman, but no one knew who she was.
The guys all turned to see what was going on.
"I'm sorry if I'm hotter than you that your boyfriend had to check me out!"
Priya walked up from the group of girls, arms crossed. "Oh, no. Apparently, that girl's boyfriend checked Penny out and now the girl is starting a fight with her. You guys have to go do something."
"Do something," Howard urged Sheldon.
He gave him a fatal look of derision and huffed. "Really, Howard? And do what? Penny is far tougher than I am." He shook his head and looked back at the scene.
"Go get your own man, slut. This one is taken." The girl was now face to face with Penny, her black hair long and somewhat scraggly at this point of the night.
"Man? You mean that steroid induced meat pack you call a man? Yeah, is it true what they say about men who take too many steroids…? Hm…?" Penny pretending to ponder this as her fingers tapped her chin lightly.
"Hey! These baby's are protein fed!" the guy shouted, lifting his arms. One look from his girl and he shook his head and walked off with his friends. Penny noticed his eyes roamed to other girls, too. Man he was such a waste of time for this girl to even be fighting over.
"Oh, don't be hatin'. There is no man better than my man in bed, bitch," the other girl defended.
Girls and guys now surrounded the outside of the club, but since they were far enough away from the entrance, bouncers didn't come out to stop them. It was public domain now.
"Oh, really? I've been with men like yours, skank. There's nothing special goin' on there. Barely anything!" Penny was referring to the steroids she assumed the guy took and the effect they had on a man's private region. "And you've never been with a guy until you've been with one like mine!"
"Girl, your 'boyfriend'," The girl started, using finger quotes, "can go to hell because if he's with you, he ain't shit."
"Not only is he THE shit, but my boyfriend can fuck circles around your man. Bitch."
Sheldon shook his head, his eyebrows furrowed as he looked around. "What boyfriend? Penny has a boyfriend?"
Leonard rolled his eyes and Howard just stared at the girl fight about to ensue. He loved a good girl fight.
"Oh, really? You know my man was featured in Playgirl magazine? That's how sexy he is."
"Posing naked isn't sexy, bitch. It's sleazy. My boyfriend is so damn good with his tongue, a girl forgets her own fucking name! That's sexy. Top that, bitch!" Penny lunged forward but mostly because she lost her balance. Her friends pulled her back.
Sheldon dropped his arms. "What boyfriend?"
"You! Jackass," Howard pointedly said.
"We aren't together that way." Sheldon shook his head again and looked over at Penny, wishing he could, in fact, pull her away from this increasingly embarrassing situation.
"No, no," Howard started, lifting his hand. "I think it's you. And if what she's saying is true..." He gave his friend and teasing look. "Then you dog, you."
"Oh, stop," Sheldon scolded, crossing his arms. "It isn't me. She is obviously using any words to her defense. She's been with a great number of men before me."
The black haired girl got right in Penny's face. "My boyfriend's gonna to be on the next season of Survivor. He's gonna be a star. Top that, whore."
Now it was a war of words and who had the better mate.
"Well, my boyfriend is not only a goddamn genius in bed, he's a fucking genius at everything. He's has a fucking Nobel Prize!"
"There it is," Howard mumbled, busting out in laughter.
Sheldon's eyes bulged and he stood straight, his face burning with a sensation that even the Arctic couldn't cool down. Had she just been speaking about him…in front of all these people, in front of his friends? Leonard turned away, honestly trying not to laugh at Sheldon who was now fumbling around and trying to figure out an escape route to a situation that was being turned on him.
Penny knew she was lying about the Nobel Prize, but it was only a matter of time until he did have one if his drive had anything to do with it, and she needed desperately to top this girl's statements. The girl, however, just started laughing. She thought Penny was joking.
"What! Who the hell gets Nobel Prizes?" the girl scoffed, stumbling with her laughter. She was so classless.
"Men like mine. Now, fuck off." With that, Penny turned around and tried to walk away.
"Wow," Priya said, clinging to Leonard. She couldn't help but look at Sheldon and wonder if Penny's words were truly accurate (the non-Nobel Prize winning ones). Penny was drunk. Her censors were off. The answer was yes and this impressed Priya, but she wouldn't admit that to anyone.
"What a fucking loser," the girl called to her friends, and that was it.
Penny was almost out of the circle of women, when she turned around to attack the girl.
"Get her," Leonard said, shoving Sheldon towards the crowd.
"You tried to help her when Howard attacked her at the apartment. Why can't you help now?" Sheldon asked, pushing away Leonard's hand.
"That's different and you're her boyfriend," he said, half teasing. But he really did want someone to stop Penny. And the way Priya was gripping his arm told him not to move. There were lots of bigger men, boyfriends of Penny's friends, who were already trying to help the best they could.
"I am not her boyfriend," Sheldon hissed under his breath as his friends kept shoving him in the direction of the fight.
Sheldon was pushed into the middle of the circle and he stumbled a bit, both girls stopping their slap session to look at the new element in their fighting space.
"This? This is your boyfriend?" the black haired girl sneered, eyeballing the skinny man before her. Laughter came from the meaty man behind the girl's friends who was ignoring the fight otherwise.
"I'm actually not—" he started but was quickly interrupted.
"You starin' at my man, slut?" Penny said, mocking the girl with the very statement of what started the fight.
The girl crossed her arms, standing back and glaring at Sheldon.
"He don't look like shit. Scrawny as hell."
"Take a good look, bitch. Brainy guys know everything there is to know…." Penny made a very strong sex undertone in her comment as she rubbed her hand over Sheldon's chest.
"Ok, that's quite enough," Sheldon stated, pulling her away by the shoulders.
"Better than a man like mine? Doubt it," the girl declared, turning around to walk off, bored of the fight and now wanting to stand by her man, too.
"You go then, bitch. Yeah, leave!" Penny started, but Sheldon practically shoved her out of the circle. His instincts were kicking in and he didn't want this girl fight to turn into a man on man knock out to compare sizes, so to speak. He would get killed, for sure.
As Penny stumbled a bit, Sheldon there to pick her up, the masses dispersed and her friends all called their goodbyes. She thanked them for the "most awesomest night ever" and then followed Sheldon to the guys who were waiting for them.
"That was humiliating," Sheldon mumbled.
"What?" Penny peered up at him. "Why? I was the one fighting? And defending your honor by the way."
"My honor wasn't in need of defense. You were being totally inappropriate." Sheldon was still highly aware that everyone knew of his sexual prowess and he certainly didn't like the comments that were going to be a common factor in their social activities. It was enough that they knew about him and Penny to begin with.
"Oh, come on. I told everyone my man is a god at sex." She giggled in high pitched squeal and leaned on Sheldon as he opened the door for her.
Raj, Priya, and Howard left in their own car as Sheldon, Penny, and Leonard piled into his. Penny pouted up at him and pulled his collar to her. "Sit with me."
"I have to sit up front." Sheldon tried to pull away.
"Why?"
Sheldon paused. "In case you vomit. I cannot be a part of that."
Penny rolled her eyes and scooted over. "Get in here, Sheldon!"
He sighed heavily and slipped in the back, warning her that even so much as a dry heave and he would open the door and lung out into on-coming traffic.
As they drove off, Leonard quiet in the front seat while the music played, Penny leaned on Sheldon, sighing.
"Tonight was fun," she murmured.
"For the most part, yes."
"Are you mad at me?"
"I'm less upset with the words and more upset with the presence of an audience."
Penny looked up at Sheldon, catching his face in random lights passing by. "Sorry."
He nodded, still looking ahead. His gaze followed the path to the window and he looked outside at the town zooming past. "And I don't yet possess a Nobel Prize."
She nodded. "I know that. But you will. Someday. So, she can suck it as far as I'm concerned." Penny huffed and played with her small clutch purse.
Sheldon just stared at her, both disgusted that she cared so much what that trashy woman thought of him and pleased that she recognized his future dream as a soon-to-be reality. He brought his eyes back to the window and the buildings they passed.
Within a few minutes, he gasped. He brought his big fingers down and pried a little hand away from his pants, looking down at Penny. "Stop."
She smiled up at him, yanking her hand away from his and trying to rub him again.
"Penny," he hissed. "Stop!"
"Come on, Dr. Cooper," she purred low enough for Leonard to only hear murmuring. "It's dark back here."
He glanced up at Leonard who turned the music up.
"Penny, please stop. I feel very uncomfortable with this." Her groping hands finally stopped and she pouted, crossing her arms and looking ahead of her.
"It's my birthday," she mumbled.
"Your birthday ended an hour ago."
She snapped her head up at him. "You suck."
Sheldon gave her a mild look, almost sarcastic towards her simple insult.
"You're not getting any," she declared.
He assumed she was referring to intercourse. He didn't care just then. "The only thing I want is sleep," he stated quietly, looking away from her again.
They both sat in silence as the music played louder than before. Leonard turned it down and attempted to fill the silence.
"Looks like Howard might be hooking up with that Bernadette. She's nice!" He looked at the rear view mirror, but neither said anything. "And Raj…him and that girl were—"
"Leonard, silence is acceptable during travel," Sheldon spoke, not looking away from the street.
"Okie dokie," Leonard mumbled to himself, turning the music back up again.
Penny looked up at Sheldon angrily. "Why are you so mad? I didn't say anything that wasn't true!"
Sheldon took a deep breath in, his hands rubbing his knees as he looked down at them, choosing his next words carefully.
"Penny," he started in a low, almost condescending voice. "Did it occur to you that my private life remains that way for a reason? I don't just flaunt my 'talents' around like some—"
"Oh, stop it, Sheldon! You flaunt every talent you have. You won't even give a stupid lecture at some conference because you feel you're too good for 'lesser minds.'" She used finger quotes, her words only a tiny bit affected by alcohol. "You know what you're good at and you like to rub it in everyone's face!" She was louder than the music now so Leonard just turned it down and gave up trying to fill the void.
"What are you afraid of?" she continued. "The guys knowing you can actually perform in bed?"
Now it was Leonard who wanted to hurl himself into on-coming traffic.
Sheldon just remained quiet, not wanting a very public argument just then. Leonard was public to him. When Leonard knew something, the guys knew it as well.
"I'm done with this discussion," Sheldon said, crossing his arms. "And we're not boyfriend, girlfriend. Stop telling people that."
Penny almost started to cry out of frustration. "Well, if it looks like a duck…." She murmured, crossing her own arms and taking a breath.
Leonard wanted to slap Sheldon. Even he felt Sheldon was being an ass.
Sheldon shook his head and rolled his eyes. "We talked—"
"What was I supposed to call you? My non-boyfriend? My friend with benefits? The neighbor I fuck?"
Sheldon jumped slightly at her crass language just then. "Penny!"
"Seriously. It was a stupid fight." Some of her letters came out slightly slurred as she spoke this time, leaning towards him a bit. "I'm sorry you got all embarrassed." She pursed her lips ad scooted away a little. "She was being such a bitch. I had to do something."
"The Nebraskan in you just couldn't let it go," Sheldon mumbled, turning away.
"Oh, and you just walk away when Kriptee says stuff about you?"
"KrpiKE."
"WHATEVER!"
Leonard jumped a little at the how loud it got and ran his hand through his hair. "Volume please."
"Stay out of it!" both of them said in unison.
But then, after yelling at Leonard nothing was said between them.
God, why is this place so damn far from our apartment? Leonard thought.
Sheldon felt another groping, this time to his hands. He looked down at Penny's fingers and was about to follow them up to her hands when she leaned in. Her head rested on his arm and she hummed, tiredly almost, before she spoke.
"I'm sorry, Shel," she murmured, almost groaning. "Didn't mean to embarrass you."
Sheldon was stiff at first, very much at a loss of the right words. She looked up, her eyes half lidded and definitely alcohol affected. "I just like ya."
Sheldon gave a teeny smile and nodded, patting her head. "I like you, too, Penny." He watched her for a moment's time before asking, "You're not going to vomit, are you?"
She laughed in a burst and pushed back to sit up straight. "No! I hold my drink pretty good."
"Pretty well."
"Don't." That was all she said as she leaned on him again.
Leonard found the need to turn the music back up and adjust his rear view mirror towards the ceiling as whatever fight they'd just had was being washed away through what he understood to be kissing that Penny initiated.
In the back, Penny had run her lips up her man's neck. He wasn't her boyfriend, but he was something. Her lover, though she doubted he would ever agree to such a term. Her friend. Her really, really good friend.
He tilted his head at the tickling sensation but didn't deny the touch. "Forgive me, Sheldon," she whispered, almost seductively in his ear. He tried to push away the familiar twitching in his body he was getting from her proximity and behavior just then. He nodded, shying away from her, and hoping she would save her insatiable actions for another time.
She pulled his head towards her and pushed her body up to kiss his lips. Sheldon tried to push away this time as he saw Leonard adjust the mirror, but he was pinned to the door. He just sighed, defeated as Penny's lips roamed his neck. He closed his eyes and sank a little in his seat as she brought his hand up and laced her fingers with his, squeezing. His mouth was soon reacquainted with hers again, and knowing there was nowhere else to go, he went with it.
His discomfort for the situation soon faded as he heard the music get louder. Screw it, Sheldon thought, surprising himself. It isn't as though Leonard censored himself all the time with all of his girlfriends. Hell, wasn't he the one who walked in on them in Penny's apartment?
Sheldon brought his hand up to Penny's face and gave her lips better leverage. Despite her efforts to undo his nice, new jeans, Sheldon was successful in swatting her feisty hands away. Before she was able to continue her pursuit of his hidden jewels, they arrived at the apartment.
Finally, Leonard thought.
And he found it amusing when he heard Sheldon mumbling the same statement as he exited the car.
