Chapter 29: Recovery

Zuko was tired and weak, and completely sick of the scent of peppermint. He staggered to his window and opened it. The cold air hit him as hard as when that waterbender, Katara, hit him with ice. He pulled on some clothes and came to sit in the main room. "Uncle?" he asked hoarsely, "Are you making something to eat? I'm hungry."

Iroh put down the bowls on the counter, ignored his tea and came to hug his nephew hard.

"Uncle, Uncle…" Zuko sighed and gave in to the hug.

Iroh finally let go of Zuko. He was not ready to say anything in case he gushed or got tearful and he knew that made Zuko feel awkward. He was just so glad to see Zuko looking not like death warmed over hot coals. He poured the soup from the pot into the bowl and set it in front of Zuko. Then he prepared tea for them both. "You need to rest, nephew. Stay in bed till I get back."

Confused, Zuko had to ask, "Where are you going?"

Iroh: "I need to go into the old Tea Shop and train the new people working there."

Zuko: "Faelin? Was she really here or did I dream it, uncle? She isn't still mad at me is she? I guess she has every right to be."

Iroh was so proud that his nephew was recognizing when he did something stupid or hurtful and accepting that it was wrong. It was hard to do, and it takes a strong man to admit he was wrong. "Yes, she was here. But she could not stay. She does have every right to be angry at you, but I think she loves you anyways. When you are well, you can go apologize to her." With a wicked grin on his face he announced, "And making up is always the best!" He snickered to himself knowing that Zuko likely had no clue what he was talking about.

Zuko didn't know what his uncle was talking about and just gave him a look like his uncle just lost his mind. Though, Faelin was here. Zuko sighed. Zuko vaguely remembered feeling her hand on his chest and just knowing it was her. He vaguely remembered opening his eyes to see her smiling at him with all her tattoos aglow, aglow for him. He slowly sipped spoonfuls of soup.

After the soup and tea, Zuko was steered back to bed and the windows were closed against the chill. Zuko was asleep again before Iroh finished closing the windows. Iroh pulled the blankets over Zuko's shoulder. "My nephew, my son," he whispered under his breath as he left. "My beautiful prince."

Zuko woke in the afternoon. His uncle was not back yet. Looking around, he noticed things no longer in neat order. It annoyed him. So, he got up and tidied the place. He had to sit frequently because the effort exhausted him, but at least the place was clean. He then aired out the apartment. The sun was out and the air warmer than this morning. He stood in the doorway just soaking it up for many long minutes.

Back inside, he opened the tin with the herbal blend thankfully premixed for his favorite tea. He would never admit to anyone that he actually liked tea, just in case someone called him "his royal tea-loving kookiness" as his sister called his uncle. The scent of the bergamot and vanilla was so soothing. He was no longer at war with himself internally, but now, he was feeling very lost.

Who am I?

What do I want out of life?

He set up a little meditation altar with candles and incense and a cushion to kneel on. It took a lot of effort to firebend the candles and incense lit. He just sat on the cushion and sipped the tea as he recovered from the effort.

Where do I go from here?

It was time to look inward, or so his uncle said, and that is exactly what he intended to do. Let go, wasn't that what Kozue had told him? To trust yourself, you sometimes need to let go. He realized it wasn't a letting go of control. On the contrary, it was a maintaining control but a letting go of the self and one's attachments to one's fears and past constrictions. Father was like a constricting serpent. If he was not pleased, or it was not what he wanted, he squeezed you to death to get what he wanted. If you died, oh well. His sister was no better. Her thirst for power could never be quenched. They seemed to always hold him back. His fear of them, of becoming like them… yes, that was more what it was. He was afraid to become like them. Crazy. Consumed by power. They never bothered to stop at the threshold of their power and consider the consequences of their actions. They crossed the line, leapt off the cliff's edge and were consumed by the flames with joyful abandon. Yes, they were crazy. He never wanted to be like them. The memory of the glassblower's story came to mind.

What has my father done to the Fire Nation?

He has let power and greed dictate his actions. He is no better than Sozen. He has ruined the culture and faith, the honor and pride of the people of the Fire Nation all for his desire to control the world. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Even the desire for absolute power can corrupt one absolutely.

I have not lost my honor. I have not shamed my people. I am not a disgrace. My father is… and so is my sister… for betraying the love and trust of our people. Uncle was right. They must go down. I don't know how to do that yet, but I will figure it out. The throne should have been uncle's not Ozai's. I will never call him my father again. When I cut the tail of hair from my head, I cut my ties to that family. I am my mother's son, Faelin. I am my uncle's nephew. I am an exiled prince. I am half the man I thought I would be. Is that enough? I may never be king. Is that alright? If I do become king… if I do, who will stand by my side? Uncle? Faelin? The nation will be a mess. Can I put it back together? I am a mess. I should start by putting myself back together.

He spent a good deal of time just meditating till his uncle came home and set food out for them to eat.

It was dark out already and very chill. Zuko ate in silence. Iroh watched him with concern, "Are you feeling better, Nephew?"

Zuko, who was fiddling with his food and not really eating it, looked up. "Huhn? Um… yes. I think … I think I want to go back to the dojo tomorrow. I think Ty-min is coming tomorrow. I am sure I missed a day with her." Zuko sighed. "I have really made a mess of things, haven't I, Uncle? What now?"

So Zuko wanted to now climb out of the hole he was dumped in. Iroh was pleased, but sad. Pleased because it was about time. Sad because this was always a difficult thing to do, to figure out one's place is in the world. "Well, start with her. One small step at a time, Nephew. And if you stay at the dojo tomorrow, take it easy. You are not at full strength, yet."

-----

The sky was steel grey as Zuko walked to the tram to wait for Ty-min. The wind was chill. So much for tropical wet or tropical dusty, he thought. Another thought came to him while he waited. Mu-Tan had said something about the weird weather and the history of Ba Sing Se. What was it? Oh yeah. Just before Sozen's comet came, the weather was weird just like this and the world was out of balance. Just like I was, out of balance and in turmoil and at war. Zuko frowned as the pieces started to click into place. He needed more information.

While lost in thought, a little girl came barreling into him. "Lookie lookie lookie!" She showed him a small scroll with her name very clearly written on it. "I did this!!! All by myself!! And you weren't here like you promised before! Where were you?!" She snatched the scroll away and put her fists on her hips scoldingly.

Zuko tried not to snicker at her. He really didn't have the energy for much at the moment anyways. He knelt and pulled her into a hug. "I was very sick Ty-min. Very very sick."

Ty-min looked suddenly worried. "Are you gonna die?"

Zuko: "No. But I think I will be a little while before I have the energy to try to spar even with you."

Ty-min grinned. "You mean, I can actually beat you into the mats today?!"

Zuko chuckled, "Um… no… please spare me the embarrassment."

Ty-Min handed him the scroll again for him to admire. She babbled about all kinds of stuff she saw and did. She babbled about how ManYee's daughter was getting fat with the baby growing inside her. She babbled about how she practiced every day the forms she learned from the dojo. She babbled how she wanted to stay with her new daddy and asked when that will be.

Zuko: "Soon, I think. Soon. There are several things I have to do first."

Ty-min: "Where's Faelin? Do you still love her?"

Zuko blushed a fierce red as others entering the dojo overheard Ty-min's loud and clear query. "Yes," he mumbled. "She is busy right now. Maybe we will find her for dinner."

-----

They hadn't found Faelin. Zuko was somewhat disappointed and somewhat relieved. He wasn't sure what he would say to her, or how to apologize. He missed her though, lots.

Zuko returned the dojo after a small meal. He explained to Mu-Tan that he was ill, but still wanted to be here. Mu-Tan told him to kneel and observe the students. "Watch their moves. Look for their strengths and weaknesses. I'll have you do that for the next few days. Then you can submit a written report on what you have observed. And when you can, stretch and work through the forms slowly. I don't want you losing out too much. There will be a competition a month after Winter Solstice. I am considering enrolling some of the students in it this year. I'd like you there."

Zuko was surprised. "Me?"

Mu-Tan smiled proudly at Zuko, "Yes you. You are one of my finest pupils."

The look reminded Zuko of when his uncle stood on the stairs of the hill spa. His uncle put his hand on his shoulder there and gave him the same smile. It was the smile he had always hoped to get from his father. He knew now that he never would. But these men, his uncle and Mu-Tan, these men of honor and respect, it was their proud smiles that really mattered. It made Zuko want to do more and do better. It helped fill some of the empty ache where he cut out his disgraceful family. It helped fill that hole and lift his spirits.

I've always had to struggle and fight and that's made me strong. It's made me who I am.

That's who you are Zuko. Someone who keeps fighting even though it's hard.

Mu-Tan walked to the shrine and pulled out of one small drawer and scroll. He had wanted to give this to Zuko as a gift for Winter Solstice, but he felt now was a better time. He handed it to Zuko. "Read it and then tuck it away. You may keep it, it is yours."

Zuko unfurled the small scroll and read the beautiful calligraphy:

The greatest glory is not in never failing,

but in rising up every time we fall.

Confucius

Zuko gasped as he read it. It was like Mu-Tan was reading his mind. He stood quickly and bowed very honorably and humbly. "Thank you, Sifu Mu-Tan." He then rolled up the scroll and tucked it inside the shirt of his uniform as Travahar entered followed by the rest of the students a few minutes later.