I was gonna need prozac. Or percocet. Or maybe gin. Lots and lots of gin.
I cycled through all the psychotropic drugs I could take to convince myself to get up off the floor and maybe take the burning eggs off the burner, or check the microwave, or scrape the charred lumps that were once pancakes from the frying pan.
Eventually, I stood up robotically and walked to the kitchen as if in a dream. Somehow the burned food made it to the trash, the dishes landed in the sink, and the door and windows opened to air out the stink.
Somehow I ended up at work again. Somehow I turned on my computer and pulled up our financial reports. Somehow I made it through the entire day and back home again. Somehow I got up the next morning to do it all over again.
And somehow, Christian showed up at my office Monday morning after two days of work with almost no breaks and hardly a minute of sleep.
I sat at my desk clicking mindlessly through HR files when he walked in, tailored suit, five o'clock shadow, red, swollen eyes - the whole package. My depression was so deep, I couldn't even find an emotion buried within the abyss to don for the occasion. I glanced up at him, felt a sharp pain in my chest, and returned to my brain-numbing work.
"Are you going to ignore me, now?" he asked. "I gave you a day to cool down, but I'm still your employee. We can be adults about this."
I stared at him blankly. "What did you just say you were? An employee?" I stared into space. "An adult?"
He heaved a sigh. "We broke up, but you didn't fire me."
I smacked my lips and clicked open a few more useless files. "I'm not going to do the math for you, Mr. Grey, but…"
He slammed his palms on my desk. "This is not happening. I've lost you. This is all I have left of you. I'm not letting you take it away from me."
I stood and spoke formally, quietly. "Christian Grey, you have been found guilty of hacking into the computer system of the company that employs you. Under what circumstances would you ever allow such an employee to remain on staff if this was your company?"
He said nothing but glared at me. "I can explain."
"I don't believe our HR manual allows for a trial." I closed my eyes. "Guilty. Gone."
"You can't do this, Ana. I'll -
"This is not Grey Enterprise Holdings." I walked around the desk. "And if it were, you'd be fired from it, too. Because you don't put up with people who fuck with your business. Do you?" I stood in front of him, my hands on my hips, still stuck in a world that had lost all its color.
He opened his mouth to protest, but Kate burst through the door. "Ana, you have to see this." She stopped short when she saw Christian.
I nodded weakly at the door. "He was just leaving."
Kate shook her head. "No. This involves him, too."
I normally would've been pissed off at such a cataclysmic dismissal of the shitstorm Christian had brought upon us, but my anger coiffures were beyond empty.
Kate approached us, a magazine on display before her. "Leon made his move."
My eyes widened as I read the headline of the well-known, worldwide "Persons" magazine blaring in front of me:
"Grey & Steele: Who's on Top?"
The subhead read: "Insider text messages reveal the depraved affair and business collusion of the business world's top two masterminds."
A spark of pride shot through me at being called one of the business world's masterminds, but it was short-lived. Kate opened the magazine to the article which had screenshots - actual screenshots - of some of me and Christian's sexting conversations.
Ana: Oh God, baby. You're making me hot. I'm touching myself.
Christian: Tie your ankles together and stick out your tits.
Ana: I'm doing it baby. I'm licking your dick while I'm at it.
Christian: How do I taste?
Ana: So good. I like it when I get to blow you on my desk.
Christian: I'm tying your hands behind the chair.
Ana: Hurry up, I want you in my mouth again.
Christian: Your hands and ankles are tied, your tits and pussy on display, just the way I like it.
Ana: Brett from Legal is here. He's watching me splayed out before you like a sex doll.
Christian: Good. Whatever makes you hot, baby.
Ana: I'm starting to come, but I want your tongue on my clit.
Christian: Only if you're good. Are you going to be good and do as I ask?
Ana: Yes.
Christian: Good. Split your legs.
There were pages of them. They were dirty. Very, very, very, very dirty. Like the kind of stuff that would make a Pin-Up girl blush. And even worse, they were real.
I caught Kate looking at me with a raised eyebrow. I grabbed the magazine and threw it on the floor. "Brett wasn't really there, Kate. It's sexting. It's pretend."
"I'm not judging, Ana, this is pretty light compared to me and Elliott, but it doesn't matter. The text says he was there. Even if he denies it, public opinion is very unforgiving."
I grabbed the magazine from the floor. "How the hell did he get this? Did he hack my phone, too?"
"Yes." I looked up to see that Yvette had joined us. "Your phone backs up to your computer. That includes text messages. It's one of the reason I advised you early on to -
"I don't give a damn what you advised," I snapped. Immediately, I faltered. "How are we going to fix this? This is...this is…"
Kate took the magazine from me. "We have a meeting with PR and legal in twenty minutes to decide how to respond."
I hung my head in my hands. "Oh my God, this couldn't get any more humiliating. So now I get to sit in a room while fifteen people discuss the nature of my sexual indiscretions?"
Kate sighed. "I don't see any other way, Ana. The sooner we get on top of this, the better. I'll be right there with you. And Christian has to take a hit of the humiliation too."
I scathed her with my gaze. "Christian isn't walking in there as an owner of the company."
Kate placed a hand on each of my shoulders. "I know, Ana. Believe me, I know. Remember: this is my company, too. I know this sucks donkey balls for you, but we are in this together."
I ran my hand over my face. "Who has a Xanax? I need one about five minutes ago."
Kate pursed her lips. "I've got one at home. You can have it later. In the meantime, you'll be okay. We'll figure this out."
"This could ruin me, Kate. This could be it. Everything we've worked for…"
"This is not it. We're not going to let Leon win with trash like this. He's just pissed off because his sex life consists of nothing more than the occasional missionary-style fuck to the soundtrack of his oxygen tank. We've got smart people and a great team who've handled much worse. He will go down for this."
I narrowed my eyes. "You forget that one of the culprits is in this goddamn room with us now." It was then that I realized that Christian had not said a word since Kate had entered the room with the bad news. I looked over at him to find him still as stone, not a readable expression to be found anywhere on his person. "I guess I can't fire you yet," I murmured.
He still didn't move. "I will fix this," he said to no one in particular. "I won't watch this happen again. Not to someone…" He drifted off, his eyes concentrated fiercely on the corner of my desk.
"You'll need to be in this meeting too," said Kate.
Christian nodded.
Yvette clapped her hands together. "Guys. Come on. We need to snap out of the shock here. This is not a time to lose it, it's a time to act. Now get your heads out of your asses and let's go figure out how to handle this."
Yvette and Kate walked straight out the door, but Christian and I lingered. When they were out of earshot, he turned to me. "This is not what I wanted. This is not how this was supposed to go down. I will fix it, Ana. I will fix it."
A weird sense of calm mixed with foreboding and a touch of pity came over me. The future felt so helpless, so out of reach that the present and the past hardly felt worth the effort anymore. I shrugged and watched a spider crawl across the floor. "This is reality. Whatever you've done, you can't save me from it now, Christian."
"No," he said, his voice gruff. "But I can save you from me."
