Meditation cleared his head but it didn't help with the waiting. There were three places for pilots to hang out during a trip like this: the berthing deck, the galley, and the ready room. That was it. Otherwise they were underfoot of carrier operations. Sometimes they found their way to the hanger deck, but were often shooed away by the repair crew. Shipboard hangar decks didn't provide nearly as much space to move around as any planet-side hangar deck, so the pilots accepted that hangar decks were repair territory.
If he hung out in the galley, he'd be affronted with questions about that goodbye kiss he gave Kess in front of everybody. He wasn't ready for that. If he hung out in the ready room, he'd be surrounded by pilots telling tall tales of their exploits and would be expected to share his too. He wasn't ready for that either. So Luke got comfortable hiding in his bunk in berthing. His was second up from the deck, with bunks stacked five high, and probably got that choice spot because of his former rank as a Group Commander. He didn't care. It was actually kind of annoying because second bunks were right level with the faces of people passing by. If he left his curtains open, people tended to stop by and chat.
Instead, Luke rolled over onto his stomach with curtains closed tight and considered borrowing a book to read. He could pull out the sketches of Coruscant and go over the plan one more time, but he already had it memorized enough. If he focused on it too much, it would inhibit the mental malleability of adapting to unforeseen obstacles. Luke remembered he had a new project on which to spend his time. He rolled to his side and dug into his pocket, and pulled out both the lump of Tatooine bone Han and Leia had given him and the lump of Tatooine bone he'd bought for himself.
Luke shoved the pillow under his elbows to help keep his upper body hovering so he could fidget with them. He melted down onto the pillow until he buried his chin and mouth in it. He fidgeted white knots in his fingers, staring at them, staring at what they meant, staring at what it was for. At first, he warmed by the gesture that Han and Leia would get one. It meant they were ready to have Kess as family, but they were also trying to tell him not to do anything stupid on this mission. Just because he had a third Jedi in the works didn't mean he was disposable.
Not that he felt he was, but it was a nice gesture.
He remembered the wedding locket Kess was wearing right now. It was hard to imagine Obi Wan Kenobi as a married man. He never saw the old geezer with a woman that would fit such a position. But somehow it wouldn't surprise him if he had. Ben was a good man. For all he went through, especially now that Luke understood more of what he went through, Luke felt Old Ben deserved to have a secret safe harbor of his own.
The naked white rocks rolled between his fingers.
A wedding locket.
The depth of that idea made his stomach flip as if they'd just hit hyperspace. Was he ready for that? Was she? They'd only been dating for a month now. And missions stunted their progress for half of that time. Sex was still so new. She was still nervous how to act when they went out for a simple dinner date. He was still nervous how to show her affection in public. Sure, they'd known each other for over a year, and known each other from afar for much longer before that. But they'd really only been together for a month.
Still too there was the complication of his possession and jealousy. It was mild now, and decreasing further through meditation and thinking things through, but it was still there. His biggest worry was the truth that he didn't know what made Anakin turn to the dark side. Anakin broke the Code with Padmé. Was it that simple? Or was there more? Sure, Palpatine stuck his fingers in the mess too. But what was the final leverage?
Could he go without sex? Yes. Luke was too practiced at celibacy already. Now he'd had sex (with another person), it would be a little more difficult to get used to, but he could do it.
Could he live without her? Well, yes, he'd have to someday. They weren't going to live forever. Those three days he thought she was dead were the most excruciating of his life, but it was an exercise in how to deal with it when the time really came.
He supposed the real question was if there would ever be anyone else. For him? For her? This first love business was well told, in fiction and non-fiction. He knew what to expect: the overwhelming feeling that this was 'it'. And, boy, did it! Everyone's first real love seems that way. And nearly everyone's first love eventually falls apart too. The infatuation fades in time, and what are you left with after? He considered waiting until the infatuation faded to see if there was anything still there.
'Not yet.' he kept telling her but, in secrecy, he had to admit the idea was crossing his mind more and more often. He hadn't thought it in terms of marriage, but he was having flashes of fantasy about sharing living quarters, about her pregnant with his children, about being true partners all the way down to their DNA, back-to-back for whatever life threw at them. He liked the feeling those fantasies brought about. Alone together, with lighsabers set aside, whispering in the dark, admitting things he never told anyone else, things he never imagined he'd ever tell anyone else, Luke recognized Kess had already become his safe harbor.
His eyes drooped closed. What he wouldn't give to have her in this bunk right now, just to hold her in his arms and meditate together. To hear her giggle at him for some stupid comment. To see her brown eyes grow big when she looked at him for guidance or protection. It made him feel invincible when she hid in his chest during a shaky moment; for him to whisper, 'I've got you'. It made him feel like a fumbling fool when she rolled on top and took command of the sex after he'd fallen out of beat. And nothing made him more vulnerable than those moments when she cradled his head to her neck and let him shudder in shock from that splash of ecstasy.
She had power. The power to make him feel all things big and small. The power to manipulate him if she wanted to, but she never used it. His eyes opened to the lockets in his fingers and he fidgeted with them some more.
Hers because she doesn't demand it.
Home. Children. Partnership. All super big things. But when it came down to it, the true lure was that he couldn't imagine having a happy life without her.
Luke cupped the bone bits in his palm and opened several more cubbies until he found a sketchpad. He lifted back onto his elbows and set it down in front of him, placing the bones carefully on an empty space at the head of the bunk, side by side. One was larger; the other was smoother. He hadn't made any decisions yet—not really—but he let his openly mind brew on it.
Marriage.
He took out the stylus and started drafting some ideas of what the carving design could look like.
