Family Secrets: Part Two – chapter 9
I don't own supernatural or the SPN characters. Alta and Mrs. Marley are my own characters.
Since now, I dare not ask,
Any gift from you or gentle task,
Or lovers promise, nor yet refuse,
Anything I can give and you dare choose,
Have pity on us both, choose well,
On this sharp ridge, dividing death from hell.
As the Falcon flies
High into the sky
The deer chases his shadow.
There are many mountains
... over which to fly
And time is slipping by.
Sharp Ridge by Robert Graves.
The first thing... The very first thing Sam became aware of was nothing... Blessed Nothing.
There was no sound. No moaning... no screaming... no crying... Sam no longer heard the sound of the whip or the tearing and slicing as he was slowly ripped apart... the sound of his own voice screaming... or the sound of His voice cursing and snarling… or the laughter... His laughter; dreadful, evil, taunting laughter… enjoying Sam's pain…There was only blessed silence.
Sam no longer felt anything... Not the ripping or tearing of his flayed soul... not the constant searing heat or the pealing fragments of soul torn from him… or His hot breath burning across the surface of his soul… not even the constant fear of the pain that was always coming… more and more and more… pain heaped upon pain. There was just blessed numbness.
He no longer smelled the stench of burning flesh... or the putrid smell of sulfur... no smell of death… or His breath full of the smell of old, dead blood and rotting flesh.
He was in total darkness. He no longer saw the orange glow of smoldering coals... the blinding flashes of power... pieces of him... his soul… flying away in little sparks with every blow... or the faces... the awful, hopeless faces of the damned. He no longer saw Him... His dreadful eyes boring into Sam's head or the twisted cavernous mouth full of razor sharp teeth, pulling and tearing at his soul… shredding it… precious little pieces of him sparkling as they disappeared... lost to the depths of Hell. There was only blessed darkness.
Maybe after all these years with Lucifer, he finally, actually died. Maybe this was heaven... Nothing. Maybe heaven was the peace of nothingness. Sam was thankful. He lay on the ground in the deepest, darkest corner and was thankful… for nothing.
Sam began to realize that he didn't die. He was still alive, but he was free from the cage. He wondered where he was now. What is this dark place... with no light... no sounds... nothing? Is this all that's left for me? Nothing?
It was a long time before Sam would be able to struggle to his feet. He heard Dean's voice.
"We're not hunting anymore. Remember?" "We've done enough. Given enough."
Yes. You're right.
But he didn't have the strength to speak. He couldn't move. He was too weak. And so he listened. He listened for weeks... for months... before his flayed soul began to heal and he was able to move his broken self...
When Sam was finely able to move, he reached out to the one that was at the wall.
He's strong. He will help... save me. Take me with you.
No… stay away… don't touch me… Don't touch me!
Sam pulled back into the darkness. Wounded, alone... hopeless.
… … …
Dean and Lisa went back home and began to pack and prepare to move to Sioux Falls. Sam would move there as well and he hoped that Alta's silence meant that she would move with him… that she would stay with him. They were finally alone again… alone with the unanswered questions between them.
Sam Winchester was no longer afraid of much, but he was afraid of what this little woman would do to him if she said she didn't want him… if she said she no longer loved him. "Alta?" He hesitated and cleared his throat. She faced him, watching; her crystal green eyes boring into him. He had followed those eyes… searched for them across half the country. Not knowing who they belonged to but knowing that everything… everything depended on finding her. "Will you stay with me? Will you go with me to South Dakota?"
She waited and in that short hesitation his heart pounded. I don't deserve you, but I want you. You deserve better, but it's all I have to offer… just me… broken and needy. Please… I don't want to live without you… I've tried. Her heart pounded. Somehow she knew this was more than just a simple yes or no. Sam had changed… was incredibly more complicated… maybe more than she could deal with… You need more than I have to give… but it's all I have to offer… just me… road weary and broken. She looked at him… waiting… hardly breathing. How could she say no… she didn't want to live without him… she'd already tried.
Sitting at the wall, Sam felt him reaching out to her... He saw the crystal green eyes... auburn hair... beautiful smile...
She loves him... he loves her...
No one to love me... There was only Lucifer... only evil... hate... pain... alone...
He pushed me away…
"Yes, of course." She smiled. But I will not say it Sam, not until you do. He let out a sigh of relief and felt awkward for it.
Neither Sam nor Alta had much in the way of 'stuff' to pack. Sam maintained the life of a nomad with no more possessions than he could fit in his car. He was raised on the road and it was the life style he was accustomed to. Alta didn't have many more possessions than Sam, just a few odds and ends. She spent most of her spare cash on weapons and ammo, what she considered to be the essentials. So they had little to pack but Sam insisted they take the paintings, the dark riversides with the ancient trees and the little empty boat. He said he liked them. They reminded him of her and they would make their new place like home.
It didn't take much longer for them to pack to move than it did for them to go on the road for a hunt. So they were headed out of town within a couple of hours. He headed south instead of west.
"I want to go to South Dakota by way of Missouri."
"Carthage?" Alta eyed Sam. "You mean to look for the colt."
"Yea, it'll take Dean and Lisa a couple of days to pack up all their things and move, so we have plenty of time and Carthage is the last place we saw the colt. So I'm thinking it's the place to start."
"Sounds like a plan." they rode in silence for a while. Alta was on the laptop searching for a place to stay in Carthage. She opted for a Bed and Breakfast near the historic down town area.
"It's a little fancier than our usual hang outs."
"Yes I know, but we deserve it after what we've been through lately. You just have to learn how to treat yourself to something special once in a while." Alta was smiling at him.
I always thought about her eyes but I never thought about how beautiful her smile is. He was taking quick glances at her trying to keep his eyes on the road as well. She noticed his looks.
"What?" Alta reached over and gave him a gentle shove on the shoulder.
"Nothing... I was just thinking..."
"Yea? What about?"
"About how beautiful you are and how I never noticed until..." He seemed to be searching for the right words. "...until I got my soul back." He huffed out a little chuckle. "What a weird thing to say."
Alta blushed. "Thanks... I think, I mean... You didn't think I was pretty before?"
"No… It's not that... I guess I just didn't think about it before. But I do now."
"That's sweet." Alta was watching Sam, a dreamy look in her eyes. "I've missed this."
"What?" He gave her a quizzical look.
"Going on the road, hunting with you."
"Taking out Samuel and Christian wasn't enough for you?"
"Don't remind me!" She sighed. "But that was more like a vendetta not just a normal hunt."
"Yea, it was pretty intense."
... ... ...
"Dean, I like it here. I don't wanna move."
"Ben, we talked about this. It's the best thing for all of us." Dean hated to uproot the family. It reminded him too much of his own childhood... always moving... It was not that he had minded moving. He'd liked it... was always ready for the next place... the next hunt. But he knew that was why he'd never even considered anything but hunting and he promised himself he would not make Ben live that way. He wanted Ben to have a sense of home... to be connected to a place. To have choices. And he promised himself they would not move again. They would be safe in Sioux Falls. They would be close to Sam and Alta and Bobby, all good hunters and there was safety in numbers.
"But I have all my friends here and I'm on the soccer team. Why can't Sam move back here? I liked it when he was living here."
"Ben." Lisa was at the kitchen door. "You will make friends in Sioux Falls and Sam and Alta will be living nearby. All I ask is that you give this a chance." She was calm and logical, dealing with Ben's fears. She knew her son and she knew how to rule with gentle guidance. Dean loved the way she handled Ben. So different than the way he had been raised… with strict discipline.
Ben looked from Dean to Lisa and he knew it was hopeless. He was out numbered and it wasn't like he had a choice anyway. "I wanna go to the park for a little while."
"Alright but just for a couple of hours." Dean laid a comforting hand of Ben's shoulder. Ben was quickly out the door and on his bike headed for the park.
"Lisa, I'm sorry for all this. It's my fault." Dean's face was full of guilt and needing her to understand… needing her to forgive.
"Don't, Dean. It's not your fault. You didn't do this." She gave him both understanding and forgiveness.
"I should have known something would happen because something always happens."
"Stop it. I don't want to talk about it." Lisa's eyes closed tight and she held up her hand to Dean as if she was shielding herself from a punch in the face. "I just want get past this. I don't want to analyze it." She could only face her pain a little at a time. The ordeal had shifted her understanding of the world. She always looked for the good; always felt there was good in everybody. Now she knew there was real evil in the world… had been face to face with that pure evil. She was changed… her innocent view of the world was forever shattered.
Dean let it go but he couldn't help watching Lisa as she packed the kitchen for the move. Her movements were stiff and she looked tired. He hadn't seen her smile since Samuel and Christian took her and he missed her warmth; her openness and easy manner. He wondered if she would ever be the same. Worst of all, he didn't know what to do to make it better.
... ... ...
Ben took out the butterfly knife Sam had given him and he began to practice the moves he learned. He moved through the routine smoothly almost like a dance. He had been practicing in this secluded corner of the park every day since Sam had taught him to use the knife. As he practiced he began to feel better about the move. He began to think about training to be a hunter. He wished Dean would train him but Dean had already made it clear that he would never go along with Ben becoming a hunter. But he knew he could talk Sam into teaching him and they would be living close to Sam... Close enough to for him to train.
… … …
Sam and Alta arrived at the Grove Park Bed and Breakfast in Carthage late that afternoon. They were greeted warmly by the owner, a middle-aged woman named Mrs. Marley. "Call me Elizabeth." she told them with a warm and welcoming smile.
"I'm Sam." He motioned to Alta. "My wife, Alta… Paderewski." Alta flushed at the words… my wife. She'd never really thought about it but she couldn't help the almost frightening feeling that came over her. It sounded so possessive when he said it… so captive… like she belonged to him. She tried to smile like someone who was comfortable with that… like a bride would be. It set off a whole chain of confused feelings in her.
"Our Hawthorn Room is available. It's the perfect suite for a romantic getaway." Mrs. Marley winked at Sam and he smiled, his dimples and the slight blush on his face made her think he was shy and sweet. "You look like newlyweds."
"Almost a year." Sam continued the scam with ease. He smile down at Alta. She smiled back at him and he put his arm around her and pulled her close to his side; a possessive gesture that made Alta wonder just exactly how she felt.
"How sweet. Well, let me show you to your room." She led them up the grand staircase that worked its way around a large sparkling chandelier. The Hawthorn room was definitely better than their usual fare. The king sized bed dominated the room; the headboard was ornately carved and a lush pale satin comforter covered what was obviously a wonderfully soft bed. There was a fireplace in the corner although it was not cool enough to need it. The dark red velvet drapes framed a two person Jacuzzi tucked in the corner opposite the fireplace. "I'm sure you'll be comfortable here. Breakfast is from 7 to 9 am. If you need anything just call." With that said, Mrs. Marley closed the door behind her and left the 'newlyweds' alone.
"Paderewski? Where did you come up with that?" Alta laughed.
"It is a Polish sir name… for real." Sam rolled his eyes and laughed. "I got it off the internet."
"I kinda like it. I'm not sure if I think you look Polish." She gazed at his face, his hazel eyes, his thick, dark hair, finely chiseled jaw, noble nose. "Maybe polish royalty." She laughed.
"Well I feel like royalty in this room." He cut his eyes toward the Jacuzzi. "Shall we?"
"I can't wait."
The Jacuzzi did wonders to ease tired muscles that had been knotted for longer than either Sam or Alta could remember. The hunts, the long hours on the road all melted away in the hot, soothing jets of water.
Sam snuggled into the soft bed. The sheets were crisp and cool the cover fluffy. It was nothing like Sam was used to. He waited for Alta to come out of the bathroom. When she did he held up the covers for her, resting on his side, his strong muscular body creamy against the snow white sheets; the soft whisper of hair across his chest, his warm smile and soft eyes invited her in. She slipped in beside him and he wrapped his warm body around hers.
Alta sank into the soft mattress and looked up into Sam's face. She felt willingly caught in a velvet trap… consumed… his lips soft over hers… his hands caressing her body in light touches. His fingers played across her neck and down her sides and moving to cup her breasts and tease her nipples with playful pinches and tugs. And his mouth followed… as his hands moved down across her belly, his mouth embraced her breasts. He felt her breathing quicken as he touched her body and nipped at her nipples scraping them gently with his teeth and sucking them into his mouth soothing with his tongue. He could feel the heat building in her and it fired his desire for her.
Alta's hands moved across his shoulders feeling the hard muscles beneath his skin as she caressed him sliding her hands down his arms, then across his chest. Her fingers spread fire along his body as she wandered down across his belly. She ran her fingers through the coarse hair at his center and stroked his swollen hard erection. She watched as his eyes closed and he sucked in a moan, arching his back and hunching into her embrace His hand splayed over her belly and ran through her hair, a long finger slipping into her lips exploring… dipping into her… a second finger filling her… finding her wet center and moaning at the silky hotness of her. She opened to him as he ran his wet fingers across the excited bundle of nerves at her center, the fiery touch spreading through her body. He grasped her face watching her as he entered her.
She felt him hard and smooth. As he entered her she felt her body stretch to embrace him. He felt her hot wet embrace and watched her face, her eyes soft and half closed gazing at him… unable to focus… her mouth, opened and gasping through lips swollen with desire. "Oh yes, Alta… my Alta." She grasped his arms felt his strength as he buried himself into her. "So hot… so good…" She pushed against him and arched to pull him deeper into her. He laid his arms on either side of her head kissing her eyes, her mouth and thrusting… a long slow rhythm. He was on her… in her… around her… she felt white hot burning deep in her center. She was drowning… burning… suffocating… gasping… She couldn't breathe… couldn't think… He watched her struggling… felt her passion… held her tight. He turned her head with his chin and whispered in her ear. "Come for me…" He drove into her deeper… harder… faster. "Do it for me, baby… come…"
When his hands drifted down to grasp her hips and pull her to him she thought she would fly apart. "Oh… Sam!" His name ripped from her soul as she fell… her body shuddering sweet surrender to him. He felt her trembling through her body and into his and he rose up to watch her as he thrust to intensify her orgasm. The beauty of her was more than he could take.
She grabbed his arms and felt him shaking with the power of his orgasm, his eyes closed, his soft moans became growls and he strained against her until his body seized and she felt him drained… his hot juices burning in her. His mouth covered hers… soft swollen lips moving over soft swollen lips.
He lowered himself beside her and pulled her against him, spooning her to him… his body wrapped around her… her head tucked under his chin. He gave a heavy sigh. "I love you." He said it so simply. But he'd never said it before and she'd waited so long to hear it. Tears slid down her face and she wiggled around to look up into his face. He rose up on one arm and looked down at her. "It's true. I love you so much, it hurts."
… … …
Sam booked their room for another night and after breakfast they headed out the next morning to the field where he had last seen the Colt. The earth still bore the wound... the mass grave where Lucifer buried the sacrifices and summoned Death. The bright morning sun shone on the red dirt making it seem like blood pouring out of the heart of the world.
"Lucifer had all the men possessed by demons" Sam waved his hand across the area where the men stood before Lucifer. Then he turned to the raw earth and his hand waved over it. "He sacrificed the women and children as part of the ritual to raise the Horseman, Death." A cold shiver ran up Alta's spine. Sam's face was stoic and hard. It didn't show the pain he felt remembering how they had hoped to kill Lucifer and end his quest to possess Sam. They hoped to save the world from the apocalypse. They had hoped... but they failed.
Sam walked to one side of grave and stood. "Here is where Dean shot Lucifer in the head. He fell, but the colt was not able to kill him. The wound healed and he flung Dean over to that tree." He pointed to a large oak and then his hand swept across the ground near his feet. "The colt fell out of Dean's hand somewhere near here."
Alta watched as Sam went through the process of remembering. He moved through the motions like he was performing a dance; his hands moving gracefully, his body turning first this way then that, as he concentrated on the memory and told the story like he was reliving it.
Alta watched Sam standing at the edge of the wounded earth that was the mass grave of the innocents, staring down at it as if he could see through the dirt and into the earth. He was suddenly silent. His face became flushed, his eyes wide. Sweat ran down in rivulets from his forehead. His breath came in gasps. His hands trembled as he held them over the grave.
Sam smelled the stench of sulfur and burning flesh that swell up from the earth in this place. He watched as the face of Lucifer loomed before him. The dark empty eyes bore into him burning into his soul. Sam felt His hot breath blowing across his face; saw the hatred and the hideous evil in His face. He couldn't bear to look at it but couldn't look away.
"I will make you pay for this. You will suffer... forever... I will never let you die."
Sam was caught, trapped… unable to focus on anything but that face… those words. He could feel himself being drawn down… down into the depths of Hell. But Sam could hear her voice. He tried to focus on Alta; tried to follow her voice... He felt her grab his arm... felt himself leaning on her... she was leading him out...
I had no one to help me... no one... help me!
No! Stay away... You'll kill me...
You left me to die... You pushed me away... But I am you... you are me... You will have to take me in...
No... I can't...
You will… you have to.
The sharp pain that ripped through Sam's skull was beginning to become far too familiar. But it was a blessing as it brought him back to the here and now... back to Alta trying to hold him up and get him into the car. He stumbled into the passenger seat. "I got it." his voice was weak, barely a whisper. Alta spun out onto the highway and made it quickly back to the Grove Park B&B. She needed to get him inside where she could assess him and figure out what was going on. She grabbed the med kit from the trunk on her way around to the passenger side and then opened the door for Sam. "Come on. Let's get you inside."
Sam leaned heavily on Alta as they came into the front room of the B&B. Mrs. Marley met them at the bottom of the stairs. "Oh, my!" She looked terrified. "What's wrong?"
"Migraine." Alta answered. "I need to get him to the room where it's dark and quiet."
"Let me help you." Sam struggled up the impossibly long staircase with the two women supporting him. He couldn't remember ever feeling so weak, so drained. Once inside the door Alta quickly shifted his weight to herself and motioned the confused and worried Mrs. Marley out the door.
"I've got him. Thank you… I can take it from here."
Mrs. Marley reluctantly let Sam's full weight fall on Alta. She's strong for such a little thing. "If I can get you anything…" She closed the door behind her and Alta realized that she was not as able to bear Sam's weigh as she thought. He'd gone completely limp and they both dropped to the floor.
Sam felt the nausea building in his gut and unable to stand, he began to crawl to the bathroom. He would have been embarrassed if his nausea wasn't so overwhelming that it left no room for any other feeling. Alta helped to pull him along but he pushed her back and slammed the door just before he hung his head over the toilet and heaved and retched until he was empty and exhausted.
Alta heard him as he struggled with the nausea, vomiting and gagging. She stood with her back against the closed door, trembling and afraid. When Sam had been silent long enough for her to know he was empty, she opened the door to find him still hugging the commode. She wet a towel and crouched down beside him wiping his face to clean and sooth him. "Come on. Let's get you to bed. Can you stand?"
"Yes, it's better now."
Alta settled Sam in the bed. He sat with his back against the headboard, pillows stuffed behind him while she sat at his side. "Take these… pain pills." She handed him a bottle of water but refused the pills.
"What happened, Sam?"
"I don't..."
"Yes, you do. Don't lie to me! Tell me, Sam... Please. Just tell me what's going on."
Sam watched her for a moment but the silence felt like hours to Alta. He didn't know which was worse, to leave her in the dark wondering what was going on or for her to know. If she knows...
"It was a memory... from the cage, I think… I don't know." Sam sighed "I saw Lucifer... not the vessel that Dean and I saw and shot but Lucifer himself... without a vessel... like he was in the cage. It seems there's more to me than the two sets of memories already together. There's another set of memories."
"The memories from Hell... from the cage." Alta's voice was barely a whisper and she shuddered to think that those memories could only get worse. They looked at each other for a long moment, the awful truth hanging between them.
Sam closed his eyes, his head fell back on the headboard and he let out a long sigh. "I wish they'd left me like I was. I don't want those memories." He didn't open his eyes... wouldn't look at Alta. He didn't want to see fear, worry or worst of all... pity on her face.
"You think the wall is crashing or that the part of you that was in Hell will force his way through the wall... Like you did?"
"Yes. It will only get worse from here."
Mrs. Marley came with sandwiches and homemade soup. Alta thanked her and after they ate they decided to forgo another night. They agreed that to stay now would ruin the memory of a perfect night and promised each other and Mrs. Marley that they would come back again. Eight hours later they were at Bobby's.
… … …
Sam was alone in an abandoned warehouse on the edge if Sioux Falls. He paced around the circle he'd made. A large sigil lined with bowls of herbs and candles. He stopped at the largest bowl and taking out a silver knife he looked down at his extended hand, palm up. It wouldn't be the first time he'd sliced into his own flesh but he thought it might be the most important. After only a slight hesitation, he pulled the knife across the surface of his palm, squeezing it shut and watching as his blood dropped onto the herbs.
When there was a sufficient amount of blood, he took out a book of matches, lit one and dropped it on the bloody herbs. It flared waist high, the light flickering across Sam's face. His expression was grim. His lips tightly pressed together, his eyes narrowed and focused on the flame. He waited…
There was a sudden rush of Angel's wings and a deep booming voice. "What do you want from me, Sam Winchester?"
"Balthazar?"
"Yes. It is I. What do you want?" The Angel stood before him. Power radiated from him like the rays of the sun and Sam winced at the brightness.
"You put the wall in my head?" He questioned even though he knew the answer.
"Yes."
"I remember begging you not to do it. I didn't want my soul back but you crammed it into me anyway." Sam's eyes were narrow, his face hard and accusing.
Sam's threatening stance had no influence on the Angel. "Yes. It seems you've done well so far. You've combined your memories and by doing so, you've gained much."
"I'm thankful for that. But…" Sam hesitated. "I don't want the memories… the ones left behind the wall."
"You are afraid of the memories of Hell." Balthazar's face softened and the bright light of his power faded until he looked like just a man… a gentle man.
"Yes." Sam sighed, his face suddenly pleading. "I don't want them… those memories. They will kill me."
Balthazar sighed. "They might. But you have great strength. You are stronger that you ever were."
"Make the wall stronger! Keep those memories behind the wall!" Sam pleaded. "I don't want to remember."
"The wall is strong. You came through because you are stronger." Balthazar sighed. "I wish I could help you, but I've done all that I can. You will either be strong enough to keep the memories behind the wall or strong enough to embrace them… if you are neither then it would be better to be dead."
"Am I strong enough?"
"I can't tell you."
Sam walked away from his encounter with Balthazar deep in thought. It was a long shot at best but he had hoped. And his hopes were dashed. He knew himself. Now that his soul was awake behind the wall, he would not be satisfied to stay there. He would find a way to get out. And then Sam would have to face those memories. He shuddered at the thought.
TBC
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