Title: In Your Eyes
Authors: Raven Shadowrose/BeethovenRIP
Rating: M
Pairing: ?/?
Summary: A joint FanFic by Raven Shadowrose and BeethovenRIP based on Dixie and Jeff's conversation at the end of Series 26 Episode 36. We have rated it M as future chapters will contain adult themes. Dixie wants to be a mother and Jeff is all too willing to oblige, but, does their conversation in the ED have an unexpected effect on their relationship?
Disclaimer: The authors do not know or own any characters or content from Casualty, any original characters and the story are ours and we do not give permission for anyone to use the story or reproduce it.
Author's Note: Thank you to chan. nelson4444, olivia. c. king1 and Carlykinz for your reviews and for sticking with us through the tough chapters.
Chapter Twenty-Nine.
Jeff had come to the end of his first week in London; it was certainly different from Holby. He was shattered, absolutely shattered. The pace of life certainly was a lot quicker and Jeff wondered if he would ever adjust to it. He had kept himself to himself while at work, only really talking to Becky. He had declined a few invitations to the pub saying he was meeting his wife for dinner, or needed to get back for one thing or another. It wouldn't be the same in the pub without his Dixie next to him. Jeff didn't want to have any company, he deserved to be alone, he needed to feel the pain of being alone.
Jeff had reluctantly unpacked most of his possessions placing them around his flat, he had lived out of the cases and boxes all week, he couldn't do it much longer. He would constantly check his phone to see if Dixie had text or called him, likewise, he would constantly bring her number up on the screen as if to call her. Jeff couldn't bring himself to do it, he had hurt Dixie with his words and actions, it was unforgivable. The best way he could help her right now was to stay away so she could move on. So why was he finding it so hard? Why was he always looking at her face on his phone, re reading all the texts she had sent him while they were together? Why was he still crying into her scarf each night as he went to sleep? Why was he still wearing his wedding ring? Jeff couldn't let go, he didn't want to let go, he wanted his Dixie back. If he could turn back the clock, he would do in a heartbeat. He didn't regret taking their relationship that one step further; he regretted all the things he said to her when he was angry and upset. He wanted to take those things back more than anything.
He sunk down on the sofa with thoughts and memories of Dixie flooding his mind once more. Jeff felt new tears falling down his face as he remembered their date in the cinema, their dinner out at Pizza Hut, walking Abs together or simply cuddling up on the sofa after a hard day at work. Jeff was desperate to be held, desperate for love, desperate for Dixie. He needed to know how she was, so he called the only person who would tell him what he needed to know.
'Hey Norman, please don't hang up.'
'Jeff, what are you doing calling me? Don't you think you should be calling your wife?'
'Is she OK?'
'I haven't seen her all week Jeff.'
'What? Why?'
'She has been on annual leave, sorry.'
'She has taken leave?' Jeff repeated what Norman had just said. He was trying to work out if Dixie had gone on holiday now he has gone, or, whether her heart was well and truly broken that she just couldn't face anyone. 'That is what I said Jeff. She is back at work tomorrow, shall I tell her you called?'
'No, no, please don't Norman.'
'Why?'
'She is better off without me.' Jeff felt the lump returning in his throat as he thought over the words that had just left his mouth. He wasn't convinced Dixie would be better off without him, he certainly was struggling without her, but, he had hurt her, there was no going back from that. 'Jeff, you and I both know that is not true. Call her, please.' And with that Norman ended the call leaving Jeff staring at the wall in front of him, tears falling harder down his face.
He curled himself up into a ball on the sofa hugging his knees close to him dropping his phone to the floor. Jeff couldn't stop the tears that fell from his eyes, he didn't want to stop them, he was grieving the loss of the best friendship and relationship he had ever had. 'Dixie, my Dixie, my beautiful Dixie, I am sorry, I really am. I would do anything for you to come and see me, to call me, to text me. I would do anything to be held by you. Dixie, my Princess, I love you so much.'
Jeff stayed on the sofa for what seemed like an eternity, he didn't want to move, didn't want to eat or drink, he felt empty without her. What was he going to do for four days? He would usually spend his days off with Dixie, but, now he couldn't, he was alone. The children were at school and Lucy was at work, Jeff would just have to face up to the fact that he was going to be on his own.
He wondered how other people coped with heartache and being on their own. When he split from Lucy, Dixie was there for him every second of everyday, he was never alone, unlike now. Without thinking, he picked up his phone once more heading for his internet browser typing, 'broken hearts' into the search engine. He scrolled through the pages of people talking about how they coped when their relationships broke down, diets, weight loss, make overs, redecorating houses, going on holidays, spending money, piercings and tattoos seemed to top the list. He wondered which of these Dixie would be doing right about now, but, he knew which one he was going to do. He had made up his mind pretty quickly on that one.
Jeff rolled up the sleeve on his right arm and looked at the tattoo he had on it, he got it as an act of defiance against his parents, it didn't hurt that much, not as much as the clip round the ear he got from his dad when he found out anyway. Jeff wondered if another tattoo would help ease the pain. Slowly he stood up from the sofa and went into the bathroom stripping off his clothing staring at his naked form in the mirror. Jeff was determined to get a tattoo in a painful place, to put himself through hours and days of pain as a punishment for what he had done to Dixie, to their marriage. Turning himself around, he found the perfect place, all he had to do was find the perfect tattoo for the job, something that would remind him daily of what he had lost and would never get back.
The following day, after another night of crying himself into a restless sleep without Dixie by his side, Jeff arrived at the tattoo parlour with his tattoo sketch in his hand for his appointment. He was taken to a private room by the artist who sat him down for a mini consultation.
'So, Mr Collier, have you had a tattoo before?'
'Yeah, on my right arm.'
'OK, So, where do you want this one then?'
'Left Shoulder blade please.'
The tattoo artist's eyes nearly popped out of his skull, 'Mr Collier, are you sure, I don't think I need to tell you that that is really going to hurt.'
'I want it there.' Jeff replied straight away.
'Are you sure'
'Absolutely, I don't care about the pain, I want my tattoo there.'
The artist took a gulp before he spoke again, 'and what were you thinking of having tattooed there Mr Collier?'
Jeff produced a sheet of paper out of his pocket for the artist to look at; Jeff studied his facial expression intently noticing his jaw drop as he looked up in disbelief.
'Mr Collier, this is going to take a long time to do, it is a very long quote.'
'I have all day.' Jeff replied as calmly as he could. He knew it was going to hurt and he knew he was going to be in absolute agony. Once he had decided on where and what he was going to have tattooed on his body, Jeff researched again how other people coped with having a tattoo on their shoulder blade, he knew from what he had read it the pain would be excruciating. Having said that, Jeff wanted to feel pain, he wanted to suffer alone with no Dixie there to comfort him, he had put her through so much; this was his way of punishing himself even more for what he had done to her.
'OK, well, Mr Collier, if you would like to take your T Shirt off and sit on the chair facing away from me, I will get started.' Jeff did as he was asked removing his T Shirt placing it neatly on top of his coat as he pulled Dixie's scarf out from his pocket. He would hold onto it while he was being tattooed, it would provide him with some comfort through the pain.
Jeff felt his shoulder being rubbed down with an alcohol wipe before he felt the area being cleaned and shaved of the hair that was there. Jeff tried to relax himself as much as possible, what he had read had frightened him slightly, but, surely it wasn't as bad as people were making out? Was it? 'OK Mr Collier, I am going to sketch your design onto your shoulder now, then, you can have a look telling me what you think.'
'OK.' Jeff closed his eyes as he felt the pen on his skin, Dixie popped straight back in front of him, what was she doing? Was she all right? He wondered what on the list of rebound ideas Dixie would be doing. He didn't need to wonder for too long, he knew that instantly. Jeff played their last argument over and over again in his head, the one where he told her she was no looker and could do with losing a few pounds. He didn't mean it, he loved her body, no, loves her body, just as she is. He had a strong feeling Dixie would be trying to lose weight, to make herself thinner and more attractive, the thought of Dixie changing scared Jeff, he didn't want her to. 'Right, Mr Collier, would you like to take a look?' The voice brought Jeff out of his thoughts as he looked at the reflection and nodded. 'OK, I will start now, are you ready?' Again Jeff nodded.
The first part wasn't too bad, Jeff winced a few times as the needle of the tattoo gun made contact with the skin, but, the pain was bearable, it wasn't until he got right on top of the blade where it sticks out that Jeff really had to try and contain himself. He wanted to scream out, to tell him to stop, but he couldn't, he wouldn't. Jeff being Jeff wanted to be hurt. The pain was excruciating, it felt like his left shoulder was on fire after being rubbed harshly by the thickest and coarsest of sand paper. With each movement of the tattoo gun, Jeff felt more tears leave his eyes as he bit down onto the headrest of the chair in front of him clinging onto Dixie's scarf in his right hand taking in her scent whenever he could to calm him down.
After what seemed like an eternity, Jeff felt the artist rub something on it before putting a dressing over it. 'Mr Collier, you need to keep off that side when you sleep, also, try and refrain from carrying anything on that shoulder for the next week or so to help with the healing. Rub Vaseline on it each night and replace the dressing for the next three days, then, you should be OK.'
Jeff thanked the artist, paid the bill and left the parlour heading home. He felt sick and dizzy, all the adrenalin he had in his system was taking its toll, he hadn't eaten or drank anything since yesterday morning, he knew if he didn't do it soon, he would pass out. He slowly walked back to his flat, picking up a burger and coke on the way, he didn't know what made him stop off at MacDonald's and order it, he didn't even like their food, but, it was sustenance at least. Jeff was surprised how much his palette had changed since he had been living with Dixie, she had opened him up to a whole new range of meals, he loved it. They enjoyed their treat now and again, but, it still felt wrong to be eating junk food.
Once back in his flat, Jeff removed his jacket quickly without thinking causing him to wince in pain as it made contact with his freshly inked tattoo. He placed his hand over it to try and soothe and stop the pain, but it made it worse. Jeff ran to his bedroom and threw himself onto his bed, the crying he had held in, and the feelings over the pain he had bottled up all came out in one hit. He squirmed on his bed trying to avoid his left shoulder, the pain was intense, he felt like he was on fire. Jeff cried out louder and louder, he wanted Dixie, he wanted her so desperately now.
'DIXIE.' He shouted through his tears, Jeff was wailing, really howling in pain as he continued to writhe around in agony. 'DDDDDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEE' All he got was silence. 'Dixie, please babe, I need you. Please come to me Dixie and take the pain away.'
Nothing.
No Dixie came running. No Dixie came and pulled him close to her. No Dixie came to cradle him in her arms. No Dixie came to whisper comforting words in his ear. No Dixie came to kiss him better. No Dixie came to lie next to him. He was on his own.
Jeff cried harder into his pillow clutching Dixie's scarf, he took in the scent one more time, the scent of Dixie that was fading away, the last piece he had of her was disappearing in front of him. 'Don't go Dixie, please don't go.' Jeff sobbed into the scarf taking in the last lingering scent that he could. The tattoo on his shoulder said it all:
I never can love another
As long as life may stand.
No maid the wide world over
Shall hold this heart or hand.
