Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious
07/15/2012.
Today was Hollywood Arts Graduation 2012. It was a very bitter-sweet day. I'm so proud of all my friends for passing senior year but I just don't want it to end. I would stay in Hollywood Arts for the rest of my life if I could. Okay maybe not the rest of my life but you know.. another year wouldn't of hurt. I'm actually writing this journal entry in my graduation robes. I don't want to take them off because that would mean it's officially over.
*Sighs* Of course today couldn't of happened with out a little drama. Obviously Jade couldn't attend graduation which really sucks. I know she wanted to be there but she's just not well enough. Having to stand up for that long, the sit-down dinner at the end, even just being on stage in front of a huge crowd would have been way too much for her at the moment. I guess it's a good thing that she managed to complete her exams before the eating disorder really took over. Somehow even with time off and everything that's been going on, she still managed to get straight A's.
Once everyone in attendance had collected their diplomas, Helen went on to read out the students names who graduated but couldn't make it to the ceremony. There were only three students on her list but after each name was read the audience clapped just as loudly. Jade's name was last and our whole gang cheered proudly. The sounds of our supportive cheers couldn't drown out a certain persons voice though.
"Jade's too busy puking her guts up to make it to her own graduation." Ryder sneered, prompting a giggle from one of his posse.
The speech's started and everyone went quiet whilst they listened. Cat took my hand and squeezed it when she saw my sad face. Why couldn't Ryder just leave Jade alone? I was too caught up in my thoughts that I didn't even notice the shuffling happening at the other end of the alphabet.
Suddenly it was though everything moved in slow motion. "Beck stop!" I overheard Andre shout but he couldn't stop him. Beck stepped forwards and punched the pale guy hard in the lip, knocking him backwards. The speech's stopped and everyone stared as Andre pulled Beck out of the blackbox. From the corner of my eye I spotted Jenn and her husband in the audience, shaking their heads and looking mad. Quickly I stood up and followed the guys out of the room.
"He deserved it!" I overheard Beck yelling from round the corner.
"Yeah but did you have to hit him in front of our entire graduating class, their parents and all our teachers?" Andre groaned.
"I couldn't take it anymore!" Beck shouted angrily.
I decided now was a good time as any to come round the corner and just hug him. Andre left whilst Beck and I stood there holding each other for a long time. I could feel the rage radiating from his body. He was upset. The thing is, Beck is the least violent and least aggressive of all the people I know and punching someone was completely out of character.
"Sorry." I heard him mumble apologetically. "I should have ignored him."
"It's okay." I reassured him.
"She's like a sister to me. I can't just sit back and listen to people saying shit about her when she's so damn vulnerable about it." Beck shook his head, "but I shouldn't have got violent that was dumb."
"You know what?" I pulled out of his arms, "You did the right thing ok? You stood up for her. Ryder has been nothing but horrible all year long and he's said this kind of thing one too many times. Don't feel bad about it."
"I don't." Beck shook his head. I smiled sympathetically.
"Come on lets go back to the blackbox and hopefully they'll not kick you out or anything." I sighed. Beck nodded and we snuck back into the ceremony just in time to throw our graduation caps. No one mentioned what happened for the rest of the day and thankfully Ryder stayed away from us. He did glare at Beck for the majority of the meal not that any of us cared. I honestly wouldn't care less if I never see Ryder Daniels for the rest of my life.
07/16/2012.
Today was.. a really bad day. I'm trying not to cry as I write this but my heart hurts. I need my girlfriend so much right now. But there's nothing I can do. I'm not allowed to see her.
I went to Valewood this morning to visit Jade. All the receptionist's at the eating recovery center recognise me now because I'm there so often but I only managed to say 'hi' before the lady on shift interrupted me.
"Sorry no visitors for Jade today."
"What? Why?" I immediately frowned.
"I'm sorry I can't disclose that information to non-family members." The receptionist smiled apologetically.
"No her Guardian and her Father listed me as a carer and I signed a release with Jade." I argued my case calmly.
"I'll call Dr. Taye but it's unlikely, I'm sorry." The receptionist went through the back. My heart was racing wondering what could possibly have happened in the past two days that meant Jade wasn't allowed visitors. It couldn't be anything good. She's not been doing any better but she's certainly not been doing any worse either. Nothing had changed, so why couldn't I see her? Within the next couple of minutes Dr. Taye arrived in the reception.
"Miss Vega would you follow me please?" The doctor spoke kindly. I followed her through the office door and down the staff corridor and I realised we were making our way to her office. She held the door open for me and I entered.
"Please take a seat." Dr Taye sat down at her desk. I could feel my blood pumping round my body as I waited for the explanation. "I'm afraid I have some difficult news."
"What's happened?" I asked terrified. The doctor looked at me apologetically.
"Last night Jade managed to pull out her NG tube, purge everything in her stomach and proceeded to go into a panic attack." Dr Taye explained what was going on. My heart sunk but the doctor carried on.
"Staff found her, sedated her, and she was taken to the general hospital where they will fit her with a gastric feeding tube before she's readmitted here."
"Sorry fitted with what?" I asked upset.
"They'll make a small surgical cut in her abdomen and insert a feeding tube directly into her stomach." Dr Taye explained gently.
"She won't be able to pull this one out?" I croaked.
"No." Dr Taye assured me. My palms were shaking and I felt completely ill at the thought of her getting herself into such a mess. She'd been threatening to pull the NG tube out from the moment she got it. I guess I never really thought she'd go through it.
"Sorry I feel a bit sick." I admitted, holding my head in my hands.
"Deep breath." The doctor instructed me. I did as she said and eventually my head stopped spinning.
"I don't think it will be healthy for either you or for Jade to be together right now." The doctor explained apologetically. "The last time I spoke to my colleague at the hospital she expected Jade will be there for a week at least."
"Okay." I whimpered.
"Take as long as you need." Dr Taye handed me a box of tissues and left the room, to give me some privacy. I stayed in her office for another twenty minutes before I felt composed enough to drive myself home. It was one of the strangest drives in my life. I just felt completely numb and the closer I got to my house the worse I felt.
None of my family were home when I finally arrived. The last thing I expected myself to do and the last place I expected my feet to take me was the bathroom. I found myself staring at myself in the mirror and tears just streamed down my face. I was completely devastated. I just couldn't understand this at all. I'd tried so hard to get inside her head and empathise with her. But I just couldn't. Why did she feel the need to hurt herself like this?
It was then I made a very dark decision. I glanced at the toilet and the idea clicked in my head. I needed to know what the hell she does this for.
I felt like i was in a trance as I bent over the toilet bowl and shaking I stuck two fingers in the back of my throat. I immediately gagged and felt horrible. I almost gave up right away because the feeling was so uncomfortable but I carried on. I needed to know.
Once I was done I sat down on the floor and just cried. Purging was not what I expected at all. It was almost too easy and completely messed up. A part of me was terrified what I'd got myself into. Was this how it started? It was empowering. It gave you a feeling of complete control over your body and at the same time, shame and disgust. The only person I wanted to talk to was Jade. In that moment, I needed her then more than I've ever needed her before and somehow I'd never felt further away.
I unlocked the bathroom door and ran to my bedroom where I lay down panting and closed my eyes just trying to think straight. Everything seemed to be spiralling more and more out of control and I knew I needed help. This was dangerous. I picked up my phone and hastily phoned Andre.
"Hey girl." Andre answered brightly. I sniffed trying to find the right words.
"Um hey." I whimpered, trying to hold in my tears.
"Are you ok?" Andre immediately picked up on something being wrong.
"No I don't think so actually." I cried, wiping my eyes with the reverse of my palm. I heard Andre getting up and pulling his car keys out of his pocket.
"I'll be round in ten."
True to his word Andre arrived at my house in ten minutes and had ice cream and chick flicks in his hands. I stifled a laugh at the sight of him and allowed him to pull me into a hug. I probably still had tear stains down my cheeks.
"Come on, tell Andre all about it." The dreaded guy sat down on my couch, patting the seat next to him. I sat down on the couch and took a deep breath.
"I went to see Jade this morning and she'd pulled her feeding tube out." I explained to him bluntly.
"Oh God." Andre looked shocked.
"Yeah they wouldn't let me in." I croaked.
"Is she alright?" Andre asked concerned. I shook my head and started to cry. Full actual tears. Andre wrapped his arms around me tightly and rubbed my back.
"Shhh, she'll get better." Andre said softly.
"Will she?" I asked doubtfully "When Andre? When and how? How can anyone help her when she does things like this?" Andre didn't attempt to answer any of my questions just silently rubbing my back and letting me cry into his shirt.
"I stuck my fingers down my throat." I whimpered quietly. Andre pulled me back and I couldn't bare to meet his eyes, just looking down at my hands ashamed.
"Tori! What? Why would you do that?" Andre asked, sounding understandably horrified.
"Just to see what it was like." I shrugged
"Tori.." Andre said seriously.
"It was the worst feeling in the world." I sobbed, wiping yet more tears away from my face.
"Look at me." Andre ordered sternly. "Never do that again. I don't know what was going through your head but you can not go down that path."
"I won't and before you worry I'm not bulimic. I just wanted to know what she felt like and why she did it?" I explained my very poor reasoning."
"And?" Andre asked sceptically.
"Like worthless shit it's such a horrible feeling." I folded my arms across my chest "I just don't understand. I don't understand why she puts herself through it."
"She does it because she's sick. Because she's not thinking right." Andre said seriously.
"I know." I sniffed leaning my head on Andre's shoulder.
"Maybe you should tell her about this." Andre suggested "Show her how much it's affecting you.. and Beck for that matter."
"Oh god no never. She's already convinced that we should stay far, far away from her. She can never see how its affecting us, it would destroy her." I explained.
"Have you considered getting therapy?" Andre asked suddenly.
"Me?" I replied confused.
"Yes you. It's hard caring for someone who has mental health issues." Andre rubbed my arm.
"It's so hard." I exhaled.
"And whilst Jade's like this who's looking after you? Who's making sure you're alright?" Andre questioned me.
"I don't need anyone to look after me." I shook my head.
"Everyone needs someone. And if you're dealing with it like this I think it's time you did speak to a professional. Don't they do that at Valewood? Support for family and friends.."
"Yeah they do." I nodded. They'd offered it to me on multiple occasions and I'd always refused thinking it was unnecessary.
"Then do it. If anything it will show Jade it's ok to ask for help. It's ok to talk about your problems and you need to do a bit of self-loving Tori because I don't think you have in a while." Maybe Andre had a point. I was so focused on trying to be strong I had neglected myself a little bit. Jade didn't seem to be getting better any time soon and I was already reaching my breaking point.
"Maybe." I sighed confused.
"You can't teach Jade to love herself if you don't love you. Look after yourself Tori." Andre said firmly.
It was then I realised he was right. He was completely right. Maybe if Jade had got help back when she was thirteen and all of this started she wouldn't be where she is today. Jade is so good at looking after others. Her brothers, animals, our friends, but she doesn't look after herself. In fact I don't think she know's how to look after herself.
"Come on, lets have a snuggle." Andre put his arms out wide. I smiled and gave Andre a proper squeeze. He's such a good friend. We ended up spending the rest of the day watching the cheesy chick flicks he brought and eating chocolate ice cream. It was a welcome distraction after the horrible morning I'd had
Jenn texted me this evening and said she'd been in to see Jade and that she was doing ok considering everything. She felt helpless but seemed calm and they had her under 24/7 supervision to ensure she didn't pull another stunt like she'd done at Valewood. I'm going to go to Valewood to see about carers therapy tomorrow. I'm not allowed to see Jade for the next four days but I'm going the moment that rule is lifted. And as for the purging, I'm not going to allow myself to get pulled down by it too. It's a cruel and morbid game. We just need to find a way of pulling Jade out of it.
