Chapter 29
When I wake up, the train has stopped for refueling. I get out of my bed and let an Avox make it while I shower. By the time I get out, the Avox has already made my bed, vacuumed the floor, and washed the window. I'm not sure if she's really quick or I'm just really slow at taking showers, but I enjoy the smell of the cleaning solvents. It reminds me of the chemical smells in the air of District 5.
The thought of my home brings the question: What District are we in now? I decide the best way to seek my answer is to go outside my room and ask someone, even though I'd rather avoid conversation. I just want to get home, that's all.
I exit my room and turn right down the hall and into the main area. Charlie and Rootina are sitting and eating breakfast together. Siarrah is fixed on the TV, lounging out across the entire couch. Garry, Miranda, and Meeka are probably still in their rooms. Just as before, I'm glad not to see Garry.
"What District are we in?" I ask aloud. Charlie looks up from his plate and answers me.
"District 9, I believe."
When the train is stopped, we're allowed to walk around outside, so I step outside to take a look at the District. Immediately when I open the train's door, I'm overwhelmed by the amount of sunlight that hits my eyes. It must still be early, because the sun is slowly peaking over the rolling hills that make up all of District 9. My guess is that this area isn't used for grain. All there is for miles is tall, golden grass that sways gently in the warm wind. I walk a good distance alongside the train until I meet the last car. The tracks continue straight back just as the plains do, ending at the horizon. We must be halfway there by now. I know District 9 borders District 5, so we will definitely make it home before sunset. With the excitement fresh in my mind, I return to the entrance of the train to eat breakfast.
I must have walked for about an hour. Now, the main area is full of people: Avoxes, Charlie, Rootina, Siarrah, Meeka, Miranda, and Garry. Besides the Avoxes, everyone is eating together. I assume Charlie and Rootina have taken another plate of food because they're plates are just as full as they were when I left, and I doubt they just let their food sit for an hour.
I look at my seating options and realize that the only two empty chairs are next to Garry and Charlie. Normally I would never sit next to Charlie, but in an attempt to avoid Garry, I plop down in the chair to Charlie's right. Apparently this is something that everyone has taken notice to, because I'm getting stares from around the room. I guess everyone knows I don't like Charlie. As I look at the pairs of eyes that stare me down from around the room, I land on a pair of grey eyes that can only be Garry's. He looks a little upset, so I quickly look down at my empty plate. Everyone resumes conversation, so I take a serving of scrambled eggs and a piece of toast. By the time I unravel my silverware from my napkin, the food I took doesn't seem appetizing anymore. I always feel bad for people. I'm also a pushover, too. I can't help but think about Garry's sad eyes and wonder if he really does care about me. I mean, he told me he did before, but I managed to label that as a falsity, a figment of his imagination. How could someone who knows me so little fall head over heels for me? I guess the whole kissing thing we had didn't help the situation. It's just one of those things that you wish you could go back in time, slap yourself, and say 'NO! YOU'RE DOING THIS ALL WRONG.' I hate getting entwined in bad situations but I always end up in them. How do I always manage to make my life more difficult?
I eat the piece of toast and have one bite of the eggs and I start to feel worse. I want that drink again, the one that makes you throw up. I hated it so much, yet I want it again. I want to rid my body of all the wrong moves I've made, all the accidents I've caused. I shouldn't have dragged Delly into the Career house. I shouldn't have let Billee leave me by the arena barrier. I shouldn't have let Garry kiss me.
My next move is to leave the dining table. I get up, push my chair in, and walk away, leaving my plate for an Avox to clean up. I walk into my room and plop down on the bed, feeling the train jolt forward as we start moving again. I lie down and stare at the chandelier that hangs above my bed. I watch the crystals shake back and forth, bumping into each other and creating a symphony of little 'dings.' The constant swaying of the train nearly puts me back to sleep before there's a knock at the door.
"Atala, I want to talk," Garry says, his voice muffled through the door. I just stare at the crystals and listen to them, blocking out whatever Garry says next. After another few seconds, I hear his footsteps go down the hall. I stand up and open the door just a creak to see, and there's no one in the hallway. Maybe he's officially done with me.
I think about how I'm blocking Garry out of my life and it makes me wonder. Did Charlie and Rootina ever really hate me or did I just block them out? They loved Billee because he talked to them and made them laugh. I sat there and didn't say a word; I acted indifferent about the fact that I was probably going to die. The only person I ever really opened up to was Billee, and he's dead now.
I try to clear my thoughts with the idea of going home but it only makes me think about the Games even more. I'll have Billee's funeral to attend, and everyone will be staring at me, knowing that I took his place as a victor. I decide to close my eyes and let the chandelier sing me to sleep.
I wake up to Miranda shaking my shoulder. The train isn't moving anymore.
"Come on, sweetie," she whispers to me, smiling. "You're home."
I rise up and she helps me out of bed. I have that gross feeling you get after you've napped for a while: hair messy, drool on the side of my face.
I try to adjust my appearance while following Miranda to the train's exit. Everything's so quiet and still. Nobody else is on the train besides us.
As we approach the main door, which is wide open, Miranda takes my left hand and says:
"Alright, now. Big smiles for the camera."
We turn left and I'm blinded by the amount of camera flashes and deafened by the cheering that follows.
Through all the lights and excitement, I catch a glimpse of my mom.
"MOM!" I scream. My hand breaks free of Miranda's grip and I sprint off the train stairs and into my mother's arms.
"I got you back," my mom sobs into my shoulder. "I got you back."
We sit there, in the middle of the street, hugging and crying until Miranda taps my shoulder.
"You can wave bye to the photographers now. Then, I'll take you to your new home."
I turn around and give a flashy smile and big wave to the crowd of reporters and photographers. They all take a few more pictures and some of them ask me questions, but I decide not to answer. Miranda grabs my hand again and I follow her and my mother to the Victor's Village. It's far away from my old house. We walk straight from the train station to the town square where the Justice Building is, but instead of turning left to get to my house, we go right. It's a straight walk from there. We walk down one street until we meet its end where a long cobblestone road jets out into the Victor's Village. The Village is protected by a cold looking metal gate that wraps entirely around the houses. Twenty houses, all facing each other, line up along the main cobblestone road, where three fountains with Capitol politicians portrayed on each have been placed equidistant from each other. Miranda opens the gates to the village and I look up. The sun is shining directly through an archway made of the same cold metal as the gate that reads "VICTOR'S VILLAGE". My mother, Miranda, and I walk along the cobblestone road to the fourth house on the left. I'm the seventh one to win the Hunger Games from District 5. Above the front door to the house is a gold plaque that reads: ATALA COPPERWOOD 72nd Hunger Games. Miranda searches through one of the large pockets on her dress and pulls out a key to unlock the front door. When it opens, a rush of cold air comes from inside. Apparently we have air conditioning now.
We walk in and I shut the door behind me. The front entry way is raised on a small platform, so we walk down two small steps into the main hall. On the left and right are tall columns that surround the entrances to other rooms. The walls are painted a greyish-blue and have an ornate gold and white crown molding. Our steps are loud and echo with the slightest movement.
"Isn't it lovely?" Miranda asks, soaking in the beauty of our new home.
"It took a lot of getting used to," my mom responds to her.
"What do you mean 'getting used to'?" I ask.
"Well right after you won, the Peacekeepers moved me in here."
"What about dad?" I ask her. I completely forgot about how he didn't come to see me after the reaping. My mom doesn't answer me though. She stares at me and bites her lip but before she can attempt to say something, Miranda walks over to me.
"Well," she says, taking a few steps forward. "You enjoy it." There's so much pride in her voice. She's finally had another victor.
"I'll see you soon for the Victory Tour." Miranda hugs me tight and then leaves my mom and me in the house alone.
Before I can bring up my father again, my mom tells me something that breaks my focus.
"There's someone upstairs who wants to see you."
Annie.
I bolt up the stairs and start opening and closing doors, trying to find my room. I find it at the end of the hallway, to the right of a window that shows the woods near the District boundary.
It's a little, oddly shaped room with white walls and fern green curtains. And there Annie is, sitting on my new bed. She stands up as soon as she sees me.
"Annie?" I ask, not sure if seeing her is real or not. We run into each other's arms and hold on as tightly as we can.
"I'm so sorry," she whispers to me. I don't reply.
When our hug finally breaks, Annie wipes her eyes and asks me:
"So?"
"So what?"
"So do you like it? The new house?"
"It's big," is all I can say to her.
"Yeah, big enough to fit five families."
The two of us stand there in silence for a few moments.
"How's Billee's family?" I ask her.
"Distraught," Annie says in a low voice. "The funeral's tomorrow, you know."
We stand for a little while before Annie speaks up again.
"Are you gonna go?"
"Yeah… I just don't know what to say to his parents."
"You don't have to say anything."
"I know, but… I feel like it's right if I do say something."
"I guess that's true," Annie replies.
And then there we are again, standing, looking around the room for a little while and not talking.
"Well, I'll leave you to yourself for a little while," Annie says to me, walking towards the door. "I'll let you get a feel for your room, check out your new clothes." I stare at her blankly.
"You gonna be okay?" she asks.
"I'll be fine. See you soon."
She smiles at me and then walks out.
I'm alone now, listening to the silence of my room.
I decide to check some of my drawers, and I find that none of my old clothes are here. Someone from the Capitol must have bought tons of clothes for me and just shipped them here to replace my old ones. I wonder if it was Garry.
I turn to my bed and lie down on it, rubbing the sheets between my hands. It's comfy, but not the same as my old bed. I want my old life back.
I stand up and walk to the mirror above my dresser. Who is this girl staring back at me? Where's the girl that used to hang out with Annie and drink coffee in the morning with her father before he went to work? Where's the girl that thought nothing bad could ever happen to her? She's lost now.
I realize the truth of the matter. This old girl I want to see in the mirror is never coming back. I thought I could come home and everything would change. That in an instant I could go from being the victor of the Hunger Games to the seventeen year old girl who was happy with her life. I thought I could leave everything behind me and continue living with the thought of being alive. But that's long gone. This girl has been battered and broken and has seen death and has killed others and has tried to kill herself. In a month I've transformed into something I deeply am not. I pretended to be okay with it but now that I see everything clearly I know that there's no going back, that I'm stuck with this. I'm stuck with this mess of a person who can't even go to bed at night without having nightmares.
All I can do now is move on, try to be a whole person.
There's nothing I can ever do to fix what has happened to me.
END OF BOOK ONE
