Author's Note: I'M BAAAAACK. Three words for y'all. Reinvention, inspiration, and magic. Oh, and denial. That worked wonders.
Disclaimer: FF is no way near mine.
Since I had already spoiled part of the ending for all of you readers who sat on your asses for almost a year now, waiting patiently for a sudden spark of genius to inspire me to continue this fic, you know what's going to happen. Rude is now Jenny Jiggles, transvestite dancer at the local dance club. He joins his best friend Reno in the fight against the evil Grandmother. A fist fight and geriatric kung-fu breaks out, and it is Rude, in the end, who is shown impaling Grandmother's bowels with his hooker heel.
She asks Reno for his forgiveness, saying that she was over-reacting due to heat flashes and night sweats, all typical symptoms of menopause. Reno is just staring at her open-mouthed, slightly panting, a sheer layer of perspiration shown over his skin, hair disheveled, and a fine cut under his eye, just because he's sexy like that.
So Rebecca Gallagher dies. What happens to Elena, Tseng, Tifa and Julia?
Elena's little henchmen decide to revolt, and Carlo breaks all of her fingers. Tseng took the name of Stud Muffin, and became the Ron Jeremy of his generation. Tifa decided to make a career out of doing stunts on TV, and when she wasn't looking, Reno cut the cord. She plunged to her death in a river full of piranhas. Cloud is now a postal worker who sometimes wonders why he thought eco-terrorism was in vogue back in the day. Reno hooked up with Julia, proposed to her after six months, got married, had fifteen kids, (one who happened to look like Stud Muffin) and died after a long, fruitful life.
Oh, his head. What a mother effin' migraine. Jesus jumping Jews, this was the nastiest pain he had ever experienced. Reno sat up and rubbed his head, noticing that there was an intravenous shoved into his vein and wires and tubes and…
There was a catheter up his—
Where the hell was he? Obviously a hospital, but why? For how long? Christ, he needed a drink.
The stench of cleaning agents used in the pristine hospital wafted from the door that was slightly ajar. Reno turned to get a better look outside and saw the janitor, and whistled him over. The janitor seemed to be shocked to see him awake.
"'Ey mon, youse awake? How is you feelin'?"
"Kinda sick. How long have I been here?"
"Seex monds."
Reno sighed, and put his hand over his face, noticing that he had grown some facial hair and his hair had gotten longer and was untied.
"So you're telling me that my Grandmother isn't evil, and Julia doesn't exist? I've never gotten a stapedectomy, people didn't just die in apartments, and I still practice celibacy?"
Rude and Tseng, his best friends, shook their heads and smiled from their seats beside Reno's hospital bed. They had changed. Rude grew hair on his head but kept it short, and Tseng sported a gold wedding band on his finger.
Reno noticed it, and Tseng noticed that Reno noticed the wedding band on his finger that Reno was bound to see anyways, and he hastily shoved his hand in his coat pocket.
"It was all a hallucination," Tseng explained. "Like when you smoke copious amounts of weed in the parking lot and you start to see things."
"I know what hallucinations are you dick," Reno said, touching his new goatee. He had never gotten used to the feeling of facial hair. "But it all seemed so real. You were in it, and you were in it, and Tifa was in it, and your imaginary sister, Grandma, and, and, and…" Reno began to ramble, eyes widening in excitement.
Rude held up a hand. "We were watching television in the room while you were out? Did you hear anything?"
"What were you watching?"
"House, CSI… Jerry Springer… porn…"
"God, that food tastes like shit."
"It's like Soylent Green, except for the fact that it's not made of people. See, in the six months while you were out, there was a world war, and all the food sources were eliminated, and now we live in a socialist country."
"I think I'm going to talk to the chef." Reno called a waiter over and requested the chef to explain what kind of crap they were eating.
"Hi, I'm Julia. Did you have any problem with your food?"
