Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I do however have DVR capabilities on my tv and DVR'd the HBO Making of Water for Elephants so I can watch it whenever I want. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.

A/N: Tissues will most likely be necessary. We have officially started back down the bumpy road, so please hold on tight and remember that there is a plan. Thanks to all of you for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing my story. Longer A/N at the bottom.

Chapter 29: Giving In

Song: Whisper by Evanescence

***BPOV***

Diego being here is almost like a sign. I know what he can offer, and as much as I want to fight and say no, I can't help it. The pain is just too damn much, and I need to make it stop…this is the only way I can think of.

"How much are you carrying tonight?" I ask him.

"How much do you need?"

"I'll take everything you have on you and I need a fresh needle too."

"Easy there little girl" Diego says. "Since when do you have that kind of cash to throw around?"

"Don't worry about it. I have $500 on me and I can get you more money if you need it once I find an ATM, just give me what I want." I demand.

"Okay, okay. Since it is Christmas and since you didn't rat me out to the cops last time, I'll give you what you want for the $500 you have on you now."

I pull the cash out of my wallet and make the exchange with Diego. As soon as the money is in his hands, Diego heads on his way. As I think about where I can go, I can only come up with one place, my old apartment. I'm sure my old landlord hasn't been able to rent it out and I doubt if he's there to see me try to get in.

I head towards my old place, stopping in the convenience store on the way to pick up some tin foil, a lighter, and I grab a case a beer from the refrigerated section. Trudging through the snow, I shiver and breathe a sigh of relief as I reach my destination. Walking inside, my suspicions are confirmed when I see that the manager's office is empty and I head down the hall towards my old apartment. Trying the door, I find it unlocked and when the door opens, I see that no one is living here now.

The inside looks just as it did the last day I was here. All of the furniture is the same, and it is eerily quiet. The radio that I used to listen to is still in the kitchen, so I turn it on to a random station just so that there is some background noise. I'm not worried about someone hearing me and calling the cops. Most people who live here tend to avoid them whenever they can.

I set down the case of beer on the floor and sit down on the ratty old couch that used to be my bed and pull the journal and my recent purchases out of my bag. Everything from the past five years is swirling around in my head. Being back in my old apartment doesn't help much either. Edward's journal taunts me…as if it knows it's shattered everything I tried to build for myself. The reality was though, it was all for nothing, and I can't help but wonder if Edward really understands just how much of my ability to make my own decisions he took away when he chose for me that day back in Forks. All I want now is for the pain of this new knowledge to go away, for someone to come and tell me that it will all be worth it in the end, that it will all make sense. But the reality is that no one knows where I am, no one is going to come and save me from myself this time. Staring at what I'm holding in my hands, I decide to take back control and stop all the pain in the only way I know how.

I open the case of beer, pull out a can and open and chug the contents. The taste is bitter after not having had anything in a month, but the knowledge of having it in my system helps to calm me down a bit. I pick up Edward's journal and start to reread what I had read before and I feel my emotions start to go haywire all over again. Knowing everything now doesn't help me to make peace with my situation. I wasn't ready to know this stuff, I can't handle it, and now I don't know what to do with the information. I feel like knowing the truth of what happened in Forks is driving me into madness. I stare at the needle lying next to me and I know I can stop the pain so easily, but it's almost as if I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.

The desire to give in is so great and I can hear the voice in my head telling me not to turn away from what's in front of me, to not bother to hide my desire to just use again. But every thought I have about just giving in to what I want is countered with an argument against it. It's as though I can hear the Cullens in my mind telling me not to give in to the pain; that it will work out. Eventually it all gets to be too much and I just want all the thoughts in my mind to stop.

I pick up another beer and guzzle it down, desperate to try to silence my thoughts. As soon as it's empty, I take another one out of the case and drink it down as well. Ever the glutton for punishment I pick up the journal again. I'm frightened by what I've already seen written on the pages, but somehow I know that there's much more to come. I continue reading what Edward has written – his words of how he only did what he did to protect me; because he loved me and not because he stopped loving me – push my emotions into overdrive and I can't help the tears that are pouring down my face.

Blinded by tears, the words become blurry, but it doesn't matter. What I've read is enough to make the pain too great and knowing that a way to stop it all is within my reach, I give in. I pick up the needle and the drugs, and prepare everything, knowing that I'm giving in somehow makes the pain easier to bear as I use my belt to make a tourniquet on my arm and find a vein. As soon as I find one, I stick the needle in and shoot the drugs into my system. The relief is almost instant and I just lay back and relish in feeling nothing for a moment.

After a while, I sit up and throw back a few more of the beers before continuing on to read through more of the journal. As much as it kills me to keep reading it, I've already started, and figure that I may as well get through all of it. I manage to get through a few more pages before I feel overwhelmed and make up another dose. I've already gone through more than half of the beer and I'm starting to feel buzzed as I wrap the belt around my arm again. The familiar numbness washes over me once I feel the drugs coursing through my system and even though I know it's temporary, I welcome the calmness.

I'm not sure how long I continue in this way, but eventually the beer is gone, and not long after, I finish the journal and notice that I have gone through most of what I bought from Diego. I haven't used this much at once ever, and by now I can't remember how many times I've injected, the effects amplified by the fact that I haven't used in so long.

Not wanting to waste the last of what I purchased, I prepare what's left and inject it into my system. Everything around me starts to spin and my breathing slows. I feel as though I'm floating through jello and am struggling to keep my eyes open and different images start flashing through my head…

Angels surround me, each one looking like one of the Cullens. They are all looking down at me as I lay on the couch in the apartment, whispering to me, pleading with me to stay with them. Another figure walks towards me, dressed darkly. I can't see past their hood to look at their face, but all I can think of when I see them is death. The hooded figure beckons me as the angels beg me to stay, but their pleas aren't enough to make me stay as I stand; giving in to the hooded figure, rising to meet what seems to be a way to finally truly end all of the pain…

As the images start to fade, I feel like I have to fight to breathe. Everything around me starts to become blurry, and the last thing I remember before drifting into unconsciousness is the world turning black as Edward's name escapes my lips.

A/N: Ok, so I'm just going to duck for cover here because I know a lot of you are probably mad at me right now. Any thoughts about Bella's hallucinations at the end? I'm still looking for more questions for my interview with my characters. They are dying to answer your questions, so when you review, let me know what you want me to ask them. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Friday or Saturday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!

So now for some Announcements & Reminders:

My o/s A Walk in The Park is an entry in The Not What It Seems Contest over on Fanfiction Writing Challenges. All of the entries are great and all the authors worked really hard so be sure to go and check them all out. Voting in this contest is now open so after you read all the entries be sure to vote for your favorite. You can check them all here: fanfiction-challengesdot)blogspot(dot)com/

I have a collaboration story that will be starting to post on Tuesday. It is called Fudge Pops and Disco Sticks, and is completely different from The Sharpest Lives…lots and lots of funny in that one. I am co-writing that with ImaTwiTard, and we are posting it under our collab name WeRTwiHards so be sure to add us to your author alerts because you won't want to miss this story.

Some Rec's for you:

Set Fire to the Rain by One Brave Lamb

My Boys: The Final Stage by butterflybetty

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