Author's Note: So, it has been a very long time since I updated this and for that I apologize. I have been consumed with other projects. However, this chapter is the real reason that I started this story actually. I had an idea for this chapter and I wanted it to be told from Gail's point of view. I guess I took the long was by writing about 28 chapters prior to the one I actually set out to write, but I hope you enjoy it. This takes places immediately following the season three finale.


"Surrounded"

I was slumbering peacefully when the light to CJ's office was flicked on and the deputy press secretary entered the room. I'd only seen him a few times before and that was usually during morning meetings with the rest of the staff. He looked frantic and he was riffling through some papers on CJ's desk. The televisions were off, but I knew there was only one reason why the deputy press secretary would be going through CJ's things at eleven o'clock at night and it wasn't a good reason.

I was suddenly very awake and very worried. CJ had gone to New York to see a play with what seemed like everyone. Josh and Donna were still around the office, but Sam, Toby, Leo and President Bartlet, they had all gone to see a show about flowers and wars or something like that. I suddenly recalled with horror another evening when CJ was away from the White House. It was a night similar to this. It was the night Josh was shot.

I knew I could be assured of Josh's safety, at least I hoped. He was in town and had only left the office a little while ago. I saw him speak to Carol before leaving for the night. He had his backpack with him and I assumed he went home. Donna was still around somewhere, but the rest of them were unaccounted for. I wished someone would turn on the televisions. If I could see the televisions then I'd at least know what was going on and how worried I should be.

It was around that time that I saw Carol at her desk. She had clearly left for the evening, but now she was back. That was not a good sign. But, I assumed that her presence meant that CJ was okay. If CJ wasn't okay then Carol would probably be wherever she was. At least that's the story I came up with in my fish mind.

"Are they on their way back?" the deputy asked Carol over his shoulder. He must have seen her light go on.

"Yeah," Carol said. "Wheels up was a half hour ago."

"Is she okay?" he asked taking a moment to pause before shuffling through CJ's things.

"I don't know," Carol said. "I talked to Toby."

Okay, so I assumed that she meant CJ and now I knew that Toby was in contact with Carol; Two important people to check off my list of worries. Now I just needed someone to confirm that Sam, Leo and the president were safe and I could breathe a bit easier.

"Toby?" he asked.

"She'll be okay," Carol said in a tone that conveyed just how unsure she was about that fact.

"How old was Simon anyway?" the deputy asked.

"I'm not sure," Carol replied. "Forty-nine? Fifty? He was too young that's for sure."

"I guess it comes with the territory of the job," he replied.

My mind was swimming (pun unintended). Something had happened to Simon and from what I gathered he was dead. Simon Donovan. I'd only known him a few weeks, but he was a nice man and I knew CJ liked him. She really liked him. Yes, she would give him a hard time and get little digs in here and there, but I could tell that she liked him. Most of all I knew that he liked her too. Simon was CJ's chance to have an actual relationship.

Carol and the deputy continued to talk for a few minutes before they began buzzing around the office. Apparently, in addition to Simon's death, there was breaking news that Abdul Sharif was killed in a plane crash. The man was just in the Oval Office and now he was gone too. I knew that time was fleeting, but I guess I never realized how quickly life could change until that night.

The time went by, the televisions stayed off and the whirl of activity occurred outside of CJ's office. I couldn't tell you how much time had passed before Josh was back in the office, or rather in CJ's office. He came in, backpack slung over his shoulder and he slumped down into one of her chairs.

I was puzzled by his actions. He said nothing. He just sat, waiting. Occasionally he'd lean forward or sit back and sigh, pressing his fingertips together, but he was basically silent. He finally turned on the television and I got the full story on Simon and the sketchy news about Sharif. CJ looked better behind the podium than the deputy, but he was okay at answering the questions they tossed at him.

Ultimately Josh turned off the televisions and waited in silence. He was about to get up and pace when he saw them walking down the hallway. CJ, flanked by Sam and Toby, silently headed toward her office. She wore her black Vera Wang dress, with Toby's jacket draped over her shoulders. She looked exhausted when she finally entered her office. She walked passed Josh without noticing he was in the room.

"CJ," he said reaching out to her.

"Josh?" she asked puzzled as if she didn't understand why he was there. Actually it was as if she didn't understand where she was.

Josh looked over at Toby and Sam as if he were silently asking them how to proceed. I noticed that Sam looked at his shoes and Toby shook his head slowly from side to side.

"I'm sorry," he said finally.

"Me too," she said with an irony in her tone that could be construed as bitter.

Josh walked over and enveloped her into a hug. I watched as she squirmed a bit until Josh let her go.

"I appreciate it Josh, I really do," she said. "But I can't do this now."

"CJ," Toby piped up.

"I have to brief," CJ told Toby.

"You're not briefing," Toby said.

"Abdul Sharif's plane went down," CJ said. "I have to be out there."

"No you don't," Sam interjected. "You've had a hell of night CJ."

"You don't think I know that Sam?" she countered.

I was taken aback by her anger and bitterness. Her eyes weren't red and puffy as I'd expected they would be. She looked as she always did, but her attitude was defiant. It seemed to me that she was almost looking for a fight.

"CJ, let your deputy handle the briefings tonight," Josh said softly. "You should go home."

"Go home and what Josh? Should I go home and be thankful that they caught my stalker tonight? Should I go home and think about how they caught him with items like duct tape and rope in his trunk? Should I go home and cry about Simon? Maybe I should go home and think about how I should have let you all cancel this damn show tonight?"

She waited a beat of silence and looked at their silent faces before she continued.

"I was the one who wanted to go," CJ continued. "I was disappointed that you wanted to cancel it. If we hadn't gone Simon would still be here."

"It's not your fault CJ," Toby said inching closer to her.

"No? I voiced my opinion that we should go," CJ said.

"The president wasn't canceling," Sam said. "It didn't matter what we said, he was going. We were all going."

"Yeah, we were all going," she growled. "To hell in a fast car. That's where we went tonight. I have to go brief."

"CJ," Toby said stepping in front of her.

"Toby, I don't want to do this with you right now," she practically pleaded.

I saw the look on her face and it was one of insolence and grief. She was beyond angry and even inconsolable, but she was trying with all her might to keep it together. The one thing I had learned about CJ over the years is that she never wanted to fall apart in front of the guys. She'd come into her office and throw papers or shed a few scant tears, but it was always alone. She never wanted to appear weak to those around her.

"You're not going out there," Toby said forcefully.

"You're ordering me?" she asked. "Again Toby? As I recall that didn't go to well for you the last time you tried it."

"CJ," Sam said putting a gentle hand on her shoulder. "You're not up to this."

"Let Grant handle this," Josh agreed.

I watched CJ as she glanced at all three men surrounding her. Although she was taller and more imposing than all of them she looked small. She looked weak and they knew it. It looked like a small circle of friends who were there to hold her up.

"I'll drive you home," Sam offered.

"No. I'm good," CJ said tossing a folder on her desk, resigned.

"You shouldn't drive," Toby said.

"I can't drive," she said. "Simon…I don't have my car here right now."

"Let us take you home," Josh said.

"No," CJ said inching her way out of the circle they'd formed around her. "I'm okay. I just want to sit here a minute."

"We can wait," Sam offered.

"No," CJ said forcefully and then she lowered her voice again. "I'm sorry. I'm really going to be fine. You should all go home."

"CJ," Josh started before Toby put a hand on his arm.

"She says she's fine," Toby said looking CJ directly in the eyes. He knew she wasn't fine. He knew she was falling apart inside. Everyone saw the regular CJ when they looked at her, but Toby saw that she was in a million tiny pieces inside, like a piece of glass when it shatters, rough edges exposed and sharp. "We'll see you tomorrow."

"I'll be here," she replied.

We watched them all leave the office. It wasn't lost on me that all three of them went to Josh's office down the hall and shut the door. Normally CJ would have noticed that, but tonight she just sat, slumped in her office chair rubbing her index finger lightly along her bottom lip.

"CJ?" Carol asked from the doorway. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," CJ nodded.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked, her voice filled with trepidation.

"No," CJ shook her head slowly. "You should go home."

"The Sharif story is pretty hot right now," Carol reminded her. "I was gathering some facts for Grant."

"Oh…yeah," CJ said absently.

"Maybe you should go home," Carol suggested.

"I'm not going home Carol. I'll be here if Grant needs anything."

"Okay," Carol said, but I could tell by the look on her face that she wasn't pleased with CJ's decision.

"Hey Carol," CJ called.

"Yeah?"

"Can you make sure I have a few extra suits here?" CJ asked. "I have a feeling with this Qumar thing I might be here for a while."

"Sure thing," Carol nodded shutting the door behind her as she left CJ's office.

CJ just sat at her desk for a while. I wanted to be able to comfort her, but I knew there was nothing I could do. CJ looked so sad and I knew she wasn't only mourning Simon, but the loss of everything that might have been. She turned on the televisions in her office and zeroed in on the one that was mentioning Simon. Apparently he died while trying to help someone who was being robbed. He had stopped at the store for a candy bar and just as quickly as he decided to stop, he was gone.

* * *

The next day came and went in a blur. CJ had decided to curl up on the couch overnight. She slept in her Vera Wang. She set a tiny alarm clock to wake her at 4am. It was insanely early, but I guess she didn't want anyone to see her sleeping in the office. It wasn't that she hadn't slept there before, but there was something slightly unnerving about seeing her curled up in a ball on the couch.

CJ awoke and noticed I was watching her. I was surprised she noticed me at all. The night before seemed like a dream.

"Not you too Gail," CJ said. She stood up and I saw how wrinkled and worn her dress looked. It somehow fit the scene. "I'm fine."

She told me that she was fine, but I could tell she was anything but fine. She walked over to her desk, pulled out my food and dumped a few fingers full into my bowl. I didn't swim up to eat them. I didn't have an appetite. CJ noticed.

"Yeah, I'm not hungry either," she said putting the cap back onto the food and putting it back in her drawer. She stood up and grabbed a suit from the back of her door. She closed the blinds in her office and changed into her work suit. She also ran a brush through her hair and somehow she looked like regular, old CJ. If I hadn't known any better I wouldn't have noticed that the evening before, her life had kind of fallen apart.

By the time Carol came into work CJ was caffeinated and ready to face the world. Carol popped her head into CJ's office and had an armload of CJ's suits.

"Hi," Carol said timidly. "I brought by some suits."

Carol surveyed the office and then said, "Did you sleep here last night?"

"What?" CJ asked looking up from her e-mail. "Oh, yeah." She waved her hand as if it didn't really matter. "I wanted to be around just in case the story got bigger overnight."

CJ held up the Washington Post to show Carol, "Which, I can say with confidence, it got bigger overnight."

"Yeah," Carol said biting her lip. "CJ, do need some time? Away from the office?"

CJ returned Carol's question with a hard look. "I'm fine. I need to be here," CJ said forcefully. Her tone scared me probably as much as it intimidated Carol.

"Okay," Carol replied more quietly than usual. "Can I get you anything?"

"You can get me the first five minutes the president has available this morning," CJ said.

"Will do," Carol said.

"Thanks."

Carol closed CJ's door on her way back to her desk. CJ didn't ask her to, but it seemed like it was probably the right call. In a way I think it was good for CJ to have this Qumar thing to focus her energy on. Otherwise I'm not sure she'd have been able to keep it together.

Although in reality CJ wasn't really coping as well as she should have been. She threw herself into her work, but eventually I realized that she wasn't going home. She'd been sleeping at work on the couch and no one seemed the wiser. The day before Simon's funeral was when Carol realized that CJ had been holed up in her office, only pretending to go home. I overheard her talking to Toby about it when he stopped by to see CJ, but she wasn't there.

"What do you mean she hasn't been home?" Toby asked.

"I mean she asked me to bring her some clothes about three days ago," Carol explained as she set some papers out on her CJ's desk. "I didn't think much of it. It isn't unusual for CJ to have extra clothes here. But, the more I think about it, she hasn't been going home Toby. She's here after I leave at night and she's here when I get here in the morning."

"That doesn't mean she isn't going home," Toby protested, even though I could see the concern on his face.

"Toby, I really don't think she's going home," Carol said again. "I don't know if I should be worried or if I should say anything--"

"Don't say anything," Toby said. "I'll…just don't say anything."

Toby looked around the office as if he was trying to determine if CJ had actually been sleeping there for days. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Josh walking by CJ's door and he called out to him before he excused himself. I wondered what Toby was planning to do about what Carol had told him. I didn't expect anything like what happened though.

It's hard to talk about what happened in CJ's office that night because it was so very private, but I'll try to tell the story as well as I can. It was about midnight and Carol had been gone for about an hour. CJ was sitting at her desk, her head resting on her hand. She looked like she was about to fall asleep in her chair. The exhaustion was getting to her. That was when Toby arrived with Josh and Sam in tow.

"CJ," Toby said a little anxiously. He had something large under his arm, which he threw on the floor. "What time is lights out?"

"What?" CJ asked with a horrified look on her face.

"It's getting kind of late. I was wondering what time the lights went out around here."

CJ stood up. She looked slighted nervous as if she was cornered, which, I suppose, she was. "I don't know what you mean. What's with the sleeping bag?"

Sam took the opportunity to toss a blanket of his own on the floor. "We'll go home when you go home," he said.

"You guys, I seriously don't know what you think is going on here, but I'm fine. I'm staying on top of the press."

"So on top of the press that you haven't gone home in three days?" Josh asked.

"We've been a little busy around here Josh," CJ said defensively.

"CJ, for some reason you haven't gone home," Toby said. "And that's okay. We want to help you."

"Lucky for you I don't need any help," CJ said curtly.

"I know Simon's death was horrible," Toby said. CJ practically recoiled when Toby said Simon's name. "You need to grieve CJ. The funeral is tomorrow."

"You don't think I know that? I don't need to grieve Toby. I need to do my work."

"The work can wait," Toby said. Josh and Sam took the opportunity to sit down in the chairs.

"The work can't wait," CJ said evenly. "The work is all I have okay Toby? Just let me do what I need to do."

"We are," Josh piped up. "You can do what you usually do. We'll just be here with you in case you need us."

"I won't need you," CJ said forcefully.

"That remains to be seen," Sam commented.

"What are the odds I get you all to leave my office tonight?" CJ asked.

"We'll go home when you go home," Toby said with finality.

CJ sighed heavily and thought for a moment. Somehow I figured that the idea of her going home was about as appealing as having Toby, Sam and Josh sleepover in her office. "Fine," she said finally. "But I get the couch."

"I get the other," Josh called, sitting on the other couch.

Toby gave Josh a very hard look. "Or, I could respect my elder and give it to Toby."

Toby gave Josh a look about the dig at his age, but he didn't say anything. CJ shut off the lamp on her desk and walked over to the couch. Josh unrolled the sleeping bag next to the couch CJ was on. She stretched out and tried to settle in as the guys did the same. The sight of Josh and Sam lying on blankets on CJ's floor was really a sight to behold. Toby took the other couch and it was silent for a moment.

"So, does everyone think I'm crazy?" CJ finally asked.

"We don't think you're crazy," Sam said.

"Speaking from someone who was once a little crazy, I'm confident when I say no one thinks you're crazy," Josh added.

"Then what's with the intervention?" CJ asked.

"You haven't been home in three days," Toby said. "That's a little troubling. Why haven't you gone home?"

"I don't want to talk about it," CJ said.

"It might help," Sam said.

"It might not," CJ said glibly.

Silence fell over the group again. Josh loosened his tie and tossed it on the chair. Sam unbuttoned his top button and it seemed like everyone was just going to settle down and sleep until CJ said, "If I go home this is real."

Her voice was tiny and the light from the televisions she kept on cast her face in a way that made her look very vulnerable.

"What's real?" Toby asked.

"Simon," CJ said. "I don't want to go home because I'll remember him dropping me off at home."

"CJ was there something going on with Simon?" Josh asked.

"Yes." I could tell that this was news to the guys. I'm sure they all had their suspicions, but the way CJ and Simon interacted at work was usually combative. Only Carol really knew that CJ might have a crush on him.

"I'm sorry," Sam said finally. "I didn't know that."

"I didn't really either," CJ said. "Not until New York. It was…I don't know what's harder, losing what you had or losing something that could have been everything you thought you ever wanted. It hadn't even started and it was taken away."

I could see the tears forming in CJ's eyes. I knew she didn't want to cry in front of them. She always tried so hard to keep her emotions in check, but this wasn't really work-related. This was something very personal and she had every right to cry. I wished someone would go give her a hug.

"I didn't realize," Toby said letting his comment hang in the air.

"I didn't either, until it was basically too late. I wish…well I wish a lot of things," CJ said wiping her cheek with the back of her hand. I heard her sniffle.

"You're strong CJ," Josh said. "You can get through this. We'll help you."

"Thanks," CJ said. Her voice was thick from crying silently. "I can mourn for Simon and the wonderful man that he was, but how do you mourn what might have been? I'm afraid to go home because when I go there it will be just me, alone with these thoughts about how it was my fault and then I'm afraid they might really make me crazy."

"Then stay here," Sam said. "I'm here as long as you are."

"No," CJ said. "I appreciate it. I really do, but I can't ask you to do that. I have to find a way to get through this myself."

"You're not asking," Sam said propping himself up on his shoulder to look at CJ. "I'm volunteering."

"So am I," Josh said.

"I'm always here for you CJ," Toby said. "You know that. You didn't ask. I'm being obstinate and pushy. Two qualities about me that you enjoy, I'd like to remind you."

CJ chuckled. "Two qualities I can always count on you for," she said. "I just don't know what to do. The funeral is tomorrow and it…I keep thinking if I stay here and do the work for twelve hours a day I'll forget."

"It'll be easier tomorrow," Sam offered, leaning on one arm. "And the day after and the day after."

"You're really preaching time heals all wounds? The Deputy Communications Director and that's all you've got?"

"Unfortunately, yes," Sam shrugged. "But I can tell you that I'm here for you for whatever you need."

"We all are," Josh said.

"Me too," I tried pipe up, not that anyone could hear me.

"I didn't think it would be like this." CJ said.

"What do you mean?" Toby asked.

"Working here," CJ said. "I didn't think I'd ever have to deal with things like this. We were shot at and the President and Josh were hit, I was stalked, Simon was shot. There are times when I sit here and think 'this can't be my life.'"

"I know what you mean," Josh said. "But we got through it. You'll get through this."

"There are times when I wonder if I'm capable of handling what's next."

"You should never worry about that," Toby said. "You one of the strongest people I know."

"Maybe it's a façade," CJ replied.

"None of us believe that," Toby said.

It was silent for a moment until CJ said, "Do you guys realize you're my longest relationship? Aside from my Dad and brothers, the three of you are the longest, continuous relationship I've ever had."

"You know," Josh said. "I think the same goes for me. Well, Sam I've known the longest, but like continuous, daily contact, it's you guys for sure."

"Me too," Sam piped up.

Toby remained silent and I tried to recall if I knew how long he had been married. He added, "There are about five people in the world that I would lie down in front of a train for and three of them are in this room."

It was a more emotional share than I'd ever heard from Toby and it surprised me. It must have surprised everyone else too because no one really said anything. There was a kind of stunned, comfortable silence that followed. I assumed that his comment was a direct result of what happened to Simon. It seemed that everyone was in an emotional mood.

There were a few other things that were said that evening. Things that I don't even feel comfortable repeating. Suffice to say, after that night I knew that CJ, Toby, Sam and Josh had a bond that I don't even think death could break.

It was silent for a while and it seemed, judging by the sounds of snoring, that everyone had fallen asleep but CJ. She stood up and walked over the couch Toby was on and gently adjusted the pillow under his head. She passed Sam and tucked the blanket around him. She walked back over to her couch and started to settle in to sleep. I was just dozing off when I saw Josh reach over and give CJ's hand a light squeeze and at that moment I knew that although things seemed bleak now, it was going to get better because we were surrounded by people who truly loved and cared for each other.