Unrequited Wrong
Chapter 28:The Lull
Severus and I didn't talk to each other for several weeks. He was angry with me I suppose, and I was honestly happy with having space. I needed as much time as I could to adjust to the changes. The pain came several times during the day, but for the most part it was bearable. Muscles relaxants helped me sleep at night, but I was being very careful about the doses that I was taking. I even asked McGonagall to keep a look out on me on that front, you know what with my past with potions.
As for the students under the spells protection, they weren't talking about it, though I was sure that they were wondering what was going on. However, I think that they were too afraid to mention it, even to each other, let alone to any of the teachers. I think that they were just relieved that the pain was gone and were afraid that if they told anyone about it, that they pain would come back. So they were all keeping quiet about it. It was a relief to me as it meant that there wouldn't be any complications. So the fear that lingered all over Hogwarts like some disease was finally working in my favor.
So October crept on, and I started to get used to the pain. I could sit through class and no one seemed to notice. But then again, these days people kept a lot to themselves and their private little groups. Lisa was the only person that really paid me any attention other than Luna, and though Luna knew what was going on, Lisa on the other hand was completely oblivious to it. Luna didn't tell anyone in the DA about it though, just as she wasn't telling them about me. We had an understanding, though nothing was every really said. I supposed sometimes words are simply superfluous.
On Halloween, I avoided the Great Hall. I'd seen it earlier and it was immediately noticeable that it was simply going to be one of those gloomy days. I didn't see the point in pretending that this was the way things were supposed to be. Besides, I wanted to avoid Lisa, and Luna and more than anything I wanted to avoid Severus. After all, I wasn't stupid. I knew the significance that this day had for him, just as I knew what it meant for Harry, wherever it was that he was. Today was the anniversary of the Potters death, and the fact that the hope of the wizarding world was missing, it was simply too much to bear.
Beyond classes and the torture, I returned early to Ravenclaw and went to lay in bed. Since it was early, the dorm was empty and I had the room to myself. I stared up at the ceiling and allowed my melancholia to take over me. My thoughts of course were turning to Severus, who I imagined was off on his own, pining over a dead woman with red hair and brilliant green eyes. My heart clenched at the thought. I was very poor competition with Lily Potter, dead or not.
Running my hands over my face as I lay back in bed, my thoughts instead turned to the memory that Severus had forced me to see. I had no real recollection of that day, I blocked it out. I couldn't even remember Monica dressing me, and I had forgotten just how lovely she looked. I only remembered packing my things afterwards and spending the night with Monica. I could trust her to hold my hand through the whole ordeal.
My heart clenched painfully as I remembered her pretty face and rough manners. She was more to me than just a friend. She was so much more than just another rough-mannered girl that didn't really fit in, though she was a popular with the boys. She was more than just a House mate, more than a dorm mate. She was my sister. She was the only family I had. The only person that really mattered in my life those early years at Hogwarts and she stuck with me through everything. I trusted her to pick up the pieces and now.... she was gone. Not even a shadow that I could allow myself to think of because it was too painful.
Curling up on my side, I hugged the pillow to myself and was relieved when I suddenly felt my body freeze up and felt the pain roll over me. It numbed the pain and grief that I felt over Monica and afforded me some peace. There was no point in wallowing in the pain in the past, and no point trying to see to the future. All there was, was here and now and I couldn't allow myself to sink into a pit. I needed to do my part for this war, however small it was, however insignificant it may appear. I wasn't going to let McGonagall down. I was more than just an abandoned orphaned. I had so much more to offer the world.
As the pain died down however, I was once more thinking on Severus. I wanted to save him to with all my heart. It was something that I didn't want to acknowledge myself, but in the wake of all my desires and hopes for the future, there he was. I wanted to save him. I wanted there to be a future for Severus, maybe one for us. I wanted him to see that there was more to life than this war, more love to give and receive, more beauty. I wanted him to see that there was more. That he didn't just have to have Lily, that he had space enough in his heart to love more than one person in a lifetime.
But ... I knew all along that I couldn't save him. That I couldn't allow myself to ever dream of saving him. Severus didn't want saving. Severus wanted to do his part and be done with it. I suppose that was the biggest difference between us. I wanted to do my part, but I knew that there was more to life than simply that. That there was always something more. That life had infinite possibilities and missions.
Shaking my head, I rolled over once more so that I was laying on my back and staring up at the ceiling. "Why am I even thinking about this?" I muttered aloud to myself as I slapped my palm to my forehead. Sitting up, I decided to employ myself on something more useful and started to do some homework though it honestly didn't matter. I sat in bed for a couple of hours, pouring over books and occasionally tensing up with the waves of pain. But this was my life these days and I was more or less getting used to it already. Luckily I've always been a highly adaptable creature.
Severus
His dark eyes roamed the Great Hall, but he didn't find who he was looking for. He was still angry with her. He didn't understand how she could dare tell him that he didn't care about her. Was that really what she thought? However, despite all the anger that he felt towards her over the past several weeks, he was still worried for her safety. She seemed to be coping, but that didn't stop him from worrying. The Carrows had already sent another pair of students to St. Mungo's.... all older students. However, it still worried him as he wondered just how often the younger students were tortured, and just how much of it Delilah was receiving.
Turning away from the sea of students in a bored way, Severus turned his attention to his food while pretending to be listening to the Carrows and the superior attitude with which the spoke condescendingly to their other Professors. Severus couldn't help but feel the strain today more than ever. The perilous teetering that he had to perform between his facades was especially trying today. He just wanted to escape from it all the way that Delilah apparently had.
Staring up at the gloomy Jack-o-lanterns overhead, Severus could guess why Delilah was choosing today of all days to especially stay out of his sight. However, he didn't feel grateful for it. Actually, he almost wished that he did see her raven-head amongst her fellow housemates. It would dull the longing that he felt for Lily. He knew it. He also knew, that it would cure his longing for Delilah. Despite his anger towards her, he missed her. She was the only person who ever offered him a smile, a sincere and loving, radiant smile that made him think that it contained all the beauty in the world in it.
Running a hand over his hair, he turned away from these thoughts. "All right Headmaster?" Alecto asked, watching him with a smile on her face. Severus merely nodded in response as he continued to simulate some kind of normalcy as the feast continued. November would soon be starting. He had of course allowed the Quidditch season to go on, thought of course he had placed many more restrictions on making the team. However, it was all that he could do to keep it around and so that Hogwarts didn't seem like a complete prison and so that the students had some kind of distraction. He supposed that the teachers could use one as well. Though, perhaps it was more of a strain to keep the season going.
However, to Severus it didn't really matter, just as the hourglasses (most of which were empty except Slytherin's) didn't matter either. There would be no awarding of the house cup or Quidditch cup. Severus somehow couldn't think that there was that much of a future for Howarts. Potter was gone and the only upside to that was the knowledge that the Death Eaters hadn't caught him yet. However, that was a very small comfort. Severus felt that he was losing his mind not knowing the whereabouts of the stupid boy and whether or not he was making any progress.
He'd tried to question Dumbledore about Potter's mission, but he never found out anything. All he had to do was wait until the moment where he had to give the stupid boy the sword. He had it worked out... but the wait was unbearable. Not knowing was driving him insane. And he still had the last mission. Telling Potter that he had to go to his death willingly... and that didn't come until the end which was nowhere in sight.
When the feast was over, Severus stood up and started to patrol the hallways, not wishing to be in the presence of Dumbledore's portrait and be reminded of all those terrible memories. Pacing through the darkened halls of the school, Severus docked points from every student wandering about while his thoughts turned to his dreams which were disturbing him of late as well. There were not the usual torturing dreams that were simply distorted memories of his past as a Death Eater. Those had vanished and they were replaced by bizarre fogs that were incomprehensible to him yet all the same.
Delilah. An orphanage. The Dark Lord.
Repeated motifs that he didn't understand.
He saw the small, thin child that Delilah had been in the Orphanage, always being led away from him. He was holding her hand and pulling her away from him, taking her away. Only he was younger. He was his teenage self, the handsome young man that had killed Moaning Myrtle. He was the youthful Tom Riddle that he had once seen in one of Dumbledore's memories when the Chamber of Secrets had been opened.
Severus didn't understand it. He was aware that he feared that the Dark Lord would one day find out of the existence of Delilah and her true identity. He feared that the Deark Lord would find out that Emma Lovett wasn't real, that even Delilah Emma Lovett was no more. He feared that he would know the truth, that Delilah was really Delilah Emma Snape and that all hell would break lose. More than his life would be at stake.
Yet he didn't understand why Delilah was a child led by a teen-aged Vodemort. He supposed that was simply his unconscious and dreams. He told himself that he shouldn't think about it. In fact he never really thought much about dreams, he told himself that he shouldn't now. However, he couldn't shake off the eerie feeling that there was some connection that was missing.
Shaking his head of these thoughts, Severus was suddenly startled to find himself staring at his own reflection in a darkened window. For a moment, he stared at the face he knew so well. The hooked nose, the thin lips, his greasy hair. It was still black, which wasn't surprising considering he was still a young wizard. However, he felt as though his outer-ware did not match his weary soul. He felt as though he should look as old as Lupin or older. Severus wasn't sure how he managed to keep from aging considering all the things that he had to shoulder. Was he really that used to living a double life?
XX
"Emma!"
"Hmmm?" I asked groggily as I felt someone shaking me awake. It took a few seconds for my eyes to flutter open and realize that a blonds head was hovering over mine and that there was pressure on the side of my head. Sitting up quickly as I was startled, I found that Luna was kneeling on my bed and had been the one that had shaken me awake. Looking around the room, I found that several girls were sitting around in the room, talking to each other, which explained to me why Luna had called me Emma.
"Come on, we need your help," she whispered as she dragged me out of bed and out of the dorm. I groggily followed behind her, stumbling as she dragged me down the stairs and out of Ravenclaw. Once we were far enough away from everyone, she quickly rushed to tell me something in her sing-songy voice. "Neville and Ginny want to knick the sword of Gryffindor. We need you to keep Snape away. Neville said he's been patrolling the halls. We are going to sneak there now. Keep him away."
Her instructions were fast as we rushed through the halls, and when we reached the second floor, she pointed in the opposite direction, motioning that I should go that way before she took off in the other direction. I was still a little stunned and unsure of what I was supposed to be doing, but didn't question it. I merely wandered down the hall she had pointed to, guessing that Severus had been spotted back this way, but I was unsure how I was supposed to find him or what I was supposed to do to keep him away long enough so that they could steel the sword.
As I wandered down the hall though, I understood why the rush. Severus was making his way towards his office through the darkened halls, lit very dimly by the torches and time was running out for them. Making my way down the hall towards him, I noticed that he seemed a bit distracted. "Headmaster," I said in nonchalant greeting, not knowing what else to do to catch his attention as he was about to pass me up. I thought saying anything else might seem very suspicious, as though I were purposefully trying to get his attention, so I pretended as though it were a mere coincidence that I ran into him and that I had no plans in talking to him.
"What are you doing out past curfew?" he suddenly said as he turned and stared at me. I stopped and turned, and when I noticed his eyes widened, I realized that he hadn't even known that it was me who had addressed him. "Miss Lovett?" he asked as he looked around the hall to make sure that we were alone, while he seemed to struggle with something within himself for a moment.
I stared at him for a moment with a furrowed brow. Was the date honestly affecting him this much? What was he doing, trying to blow his cover? I glared up at him, wondering why he seemed like he was throwing it all away for the sake of a memory, one that he was supposed to be fighting for? "Course its me. I think the Carrows are starting to rot your mind," I said as I glared up at him, causing him to suddenly narrow his eyes on me. Before I knew what was going on, he had grabbed my by the arm and was dragging me down the hall in the directions of the Gargoyle.
"I've told you about that impertinence," he said angrily as he grabbed me by the arm. Realizing what he was going to do, I pulled out of his grasp and stepped away from him. Turning around, he stared at me with a furrowed gaze as I glared at him. I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to do. What could I do to get him away from the bend that led to the gargoyle. I was sure not enough time had elapsed to give Luna, Ginny and Neville enough time to get the sword and get away.
"I'm not going anywhere with you. Anything you have to say you can say it right here," I said angrily as I stared at him while he stared at me in bewilderment.
"Just who do you think you are you impertinent-" he was saying as he approached me. However, a large crash around the bend made him turn around and rush away. My eyes widening I followed afterwards while the voice of Ginny mildly scolding Neville drifted down the hall. I closed my eyes as I stood, watching Severus swoop down at the fallen lot just outside the Gargoyle while Severus pulled out his wand.
There was nothing for it. They were caught and there was nothing that I could do about it. Turning around, I walked away wondering if there was anything that I could do. I didn't understand the significance of stealing the sword, but I didn't care. If they wanted to steal it, there had to be a reason and maybe I could sneak it for them. However, all there was to it for the moment was wait for Luna to come into the common room. I was waiting up for a long time, but by the time that she came in I immediately sat up.
"What happened?" I asked after explaining why I hadn't been able to stop Severus. Luna merely related that Neville had tripped when they were exiting on the stairs, and that as punishment Severus had assigned them detention in the Forbidden Forest with Hagrid. When I suggested that I could steal the sword for them, Luna explained that Severus was having it sent to Gringotts, so that it didn't matter. "Why did you want the sword for anyway?" I asked in confusion as I stared at her.
"Ginny says that Dumbledore left it in his will for Harry," Luna responded as we sat in the darkened and empty common room. I nodded at this, though still I didn't see the importance of it. "We don't know why it matters, but if its supposed to be Harry's, than it shouldn't be at the school. But it doesn't matter now," Luna said with a sigh of resignation before getting up from her seat and going to bed without another word. I merely nodded at this in response, but didn't say anything. If it was supposed to be Harry's and Severus was on our side... why was he going to send it to Gringotts? Why didn't he just let him have the sword?
Turning away from the empty space that Luna left, I found myself staring at Rowena's statue and the diadem on her head and I understood. The lost diadem, every Ravenclaw knew about it and craved it for their own. But it had been lost for centuries, surely the only the most worthy person of it would find it. Thinking back to my fourth year when the chamber of secrets had been opened, I thought about the rumor of the Gryffindors sword being pulled from the sorting hat by Harry. He'd needed it, and he'd been worthy of it. Maybe the sword simply couldn't just be passed down. Dumbledore must've known that and by extension Severus as well.
Shaking my head and running my hands over my head, I told myself not to wonder about it. I was getting a headache and this was beyond me. I had my specific mission and I had to focus on that, or else I would lose my mind. Harry knew what he was doing... I had to have faith in that and that everything would turn out all right. There was nothing more to it.
Standing up, I made my way up to my dorm and quickly fell asleep. It had been a long, weary and disappointing day and I was glad that it was finally over. I wasn't looking forward to tomorrow, or the following couple days, or weeks, or months. But for the moment it was just enough to look forward to a long night of sleep, with no dreams to disturb my slumber. There was nothing but blissful blackness.
XX
November crept in its steady pace. Severus was busy trying to quell all the rebellions, I was busy trying to make my life normal. I soon found that being at Hogwarts for my second seventh year was a lot like my first. Severus had a lot of the same rules as Umbridge had put up. The only real difference was that instead of Monica, I was stuck with Lisa Turpin, who live I've said, isn't really all there. I found it very vexing and trying to be in her constant company, especially on Hogsmead weekends, but there was no joy in going there anyway. Just as the Quidditch season was really of no interest. Though it was a distraction to many of the younger students who actually bothered to venture out into the cold to see them.
The weeks were slowly passing and Severus and I were still not really on speaking terms. He attempted to talk to me after the night that Luna and the other two tried to steal the sword, but there really was nothing that we could talk about. I knew that he was still angry at me for what I was doing and I knew that a part of him was worried about my health, but there was more anger. It didn't allow him to really try and get on speaking terms with me and if he wasn't going to make the effort, I didn't see the point in trying either. I had a mission, and Severus wasn't part of that. He couldn't be and I needed to get used to living without him.
Unfortunately, that didn't stop me from thinking about him. Especially in the cold of the dorm. It made me shiver, despite the covers and the sleeping gown that he had given me to sleep in was even a worse reminder that I missed having him in my life. It wasn't long before I found myself wandering around in the late hours, searching something that I couldn't allow myself to find, and therefore didn't really allow myself to seek. So I simply wandered the halls, careful to stick to the shadows and avoid the detection of any Professors.
For weeks I kept at this, not really sure what was the point of it. I knew that I was searching for trouble, but I didn't care about it. I felt alone, and somehow I was hoping that wandering about I might be able to shake it off. Maybe I could stop thinking of Monica, or missing Louis and Star and Iggy's company. More than anything, I hoped that by wandering around in the darkness I could forget that somewhere else in the castle was the person that I most wanted to see.
Tonight, there was something different in the air while I was wandering around though. Not menacing, but the air just didn't feel as still as it usually did. As I wandered through the hall, I felt like I was being followed and I felt very paranoid. Looking around myself in the darkness as I made my way through the hallway, I shivered at a cold chill. I was only wearing the sleeping gown that Severus had given me, made of flimsy fabric with one of my school cloaks over it.
Shaking my head and telling myself that I was only being paranoid, I kept walking when suddenly, I felt something drop over my head. Shivering from head to foot, I looked overhead just in time to see Peeves flying off, laughing. "Peeves you son of a bitch, you're not getting away with this," I whispered under my breath was I took off running after him, despite shivering down to my bones with the water that Peeves had just dropped on top of my head.
However, as I turned the corner, I found myself bumping into a tall and dark figure. Stepping back, I looked up in horror hoping that I was not running into one of the Carrow's and found myself relieved to be staring at the familiar hooked nose of Severus. "Lovett? Why are you all wet?" he asked softly as he looked around the hall to make sure that we were alone. I didn't have a chance to respond before he had pulled out his wand and was drying me off.
"I can't sleep, I was just wandering around," I responded with a shrug of my shoulders while avoiding his gaze. Severus didn't say anything to this and for a moment we just stood in the darkness. What was there to say? What could we say? Was there really anything that we should say?
"This isn't the first time, and you're lucky you haven't been caught before," Severus said coldly as he glared down at me. I rolled my eyes at this, despite my best efforts not to do something so childish. It was just hard not to though when he was playing the part of the scolding Professor. I merely nodded and prepared myself to walk away when I felt his hand grabbing onto my arm. Turning to look at him as we stood almost side by side, with him looking down on me and only being able to see the profile of his face.
"What do you want from me?" I asked as unemotionally as I looked up at him.
"You know what I want," Severus said as he stared down at me, his voice as emotionless as mine.
I shook my head at this. "You know I won't leave and that I'm not going to stop what I'm doing," I replied. We were at a stalemate. He didn't let go of my hand, and neither one of us moved, nor was looking at each other. Instead, we were staring forward, staring in opposite directions. It seemed fitting considering the fact that we were both heading in different direction, even though we were on the same side, essentially fighting for the same thing.
"Then I need to at least know that you are fine," he suddenly whispered in the darkness so that it was nearly inaudible. I almost missed it too, but something caught it. Turning slightly, I was confused as I stared up at him. How did he want me to make that anymore clear to him. He had eyes to see, he could see me in the halls, he could see that I was fine. However, something in his eyes told me that he needed something more, and I didn't say anything.
Instead, I followed him blindly through the dark. I knew were we were going, knew where he was leading me too, and none of it mattered. My brain wasn't working and it was as though I were simply drifting through a dream. It almost reminded me of those old movies, with the gothic vampires. Dracula leading an entrance victim to his deathbed. But maybe not so macabre.
TBC...
A/n: I edited this a couple times. I'm sorry if there is anything that slipped my attention or if something doesn't fit in. Sometimes inconsistencies in plot slip in somehow, especially when you write two seperate parts of the story at the same time and then bridge the gap between chapters. Anyway this chapter was a bit of a transition, but I hope that you still enjoyed the insights to what is going on with the characters. Please review!
