I'm absolutely going to open this chapter by apologizing for being a fucking asshole. I'm sorry for not updating in a month, and I'm sorry for this chapter being so short, I just wanted to get something out to you guys after a month of silence. So, yeah, sorry about that. School has also started up again, which fucking sucks, and I also got into another creative writing class. This one, I kinda fucking hate, for many reasons. For instance, in this one, it is a requirement for a grade that you get two people to review your work in the class. I have literally no friends at this school, and I don't fucking know anyone, so what the fuck? We are also apparently going to be writing a memoir at some point, which isn't creative literally at all, and she also seems way more into hitting the deadline, than the actual content. She's also one of those teachers who is very self-centered without seeming like it at first, so that class kinda makes me wanna die. As do all of my first 3 classes, really. CW, English, and a shitty history class taught by a bitch. I love Foundations of Drawing, Computer Applications, and American Culture, though. Those are all really chill and easy, so it's a good way to end the day. I'm also able to chill on my phone for those, so it's cool. But, whatever, you guys don't care about that shit. On to reviews!
Silver Blitz15: Technically, no. That's just coincidental. I just happen to like the name Zack... Which makes it odd that my cousin's name is Zac. But, meh, whatever.
Alright, well, review singular. Fair enough. Before we dive in, though, how is everyone? Life good? Bad? Mine has been... meh, as of late. I did get a guitar though, so that's cool. My fingers and wrist hate me, and I keep fat fingering and muting the strings, but I'm learning and enjoying it. So, y'know, hopefully I get better. I've been listening to a lot of music lately, as well. Mainly this band that recently got signed to a major label, Sylar, and A Day To Remember. Sylar recently put out Help! and ADTR put out Bad Vibrations and they both kick ass. I've also been playing a fuck ton of Neverwinter and Overwatch (Especially with Eichenwalde coming to PS4 last week and Blizzard kicking ass with know who to nerf and buff), which has been nice. I've also been playing the Battlefield 1 beta while it's active for a few days. It's been chill, really. Life sucks, honestly, and I've been thinking about dropping out of school again (I may go into detail about why later. Maybe.), and I kinda hate life, but whatever. Shit happens, so I drown my sorrows in Monster and music.
While I'm on the topic of real life shit, though, I want to say something. There won't be the standard outro for this chapter, or me rambling more at the end. Instead, I'm putting something I typed up today that is important to me, and I'd like it if you read it. You don't have to, because it is rather rambley, but it's there (and on my page) if you want to read it.
So, for now, I'm out, Knights. I'll try to put up part two of this chapter this week or next week. See you guys then.
Old Friends: Part One - Ryan
I let out a quiet groan as I sat up, stretching my arms up over my head. Fucking Arceus, man. Shit. My thick blanket fell off my torso, revealing my blue fur over toned muscles. It felt like every part of my body popped all at once, causing me to wince slightly. My arms dropped to my side as I kicked my legs off the side of my bed, stepping onto the wood floor. The boards creaked slightly as I stood up, before going over to the window hidden behind curtains. I pulled the thick cloth back, revealing clouds of snow slowly drifting down onto a permanently white town.
I let out a quiet chuckle, commenting to myself, "Nice to see that Ferren Peaks is as warm and inviting as ever, especially with summer coming soon. Soon I'll be ready to grab the beach towels and sunscreen."
I laughed slightly at my own stupid joke, only for the moment to be ruined as a sharp pain flared up in my upper back.
"Shit." I hissed out, gritting my teeth. "Son of a bitch."
The pain lasted for a few moments, before finally dulling down to a manageable level just as my vision began blurring. My hands moved to the windowsill, gripping tightly as I shook my head. F-Fuck… The cold is messing with them again… I stood upright again, before looking over my shoulder at the multiple small scars scattered on my back, parting the light fur. I let out a small sigh, before turning and going over to the dresser across my room. Upon opening the door, I scanned over my shirts, before pulling out a plain white one. I slipped it on, before closing the dresser and going over to my bedroom door. My sweatpants should be fine if I don't leave the house. I left my room and entered the hall, turning right and heading for the bathroom. I flicked the switch to the right of the door up, splashing light in the small room. I stepped into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. My eyes moved to my own reflection in the mirror above the sink, my tired gaze staring back at me. I shook my head lightly, before glancing at the small calendar on the left wall. A small sigh escaped my lips as I saw the first day not crossed out, my head drooping.
"March thirty first." I whispered to myself. "Of course it is."
My hands moved to the edge of the sink as I suddenly felt a wave of sadness wash over me.
"I knew something felt off today." I continued quietly. I looked up to the mirror, saying, "Twenty years already."
I pulled my phone from my pocket and turned on the screen, revealing the home screen as a picture of a crowd of people, turned vertically. The group stood before a large tree with a white building in the background, and smiles were on every face. I scanned the picture for a moment, before focusing on a group of three people near the center. A Glaceon, a teenage girl, and a teenage boy. I sniffled slightly as I involuntarily let a tear slip onto the screen, but I quickly cleaned that off. I wiped my eyes to clear them, turning the screen off to try and stop anymore tears. I slid my phone into my pocket, turning to look back at the mirror.
"Helena…" I mumbled quietly. "Gerard… Fuck…" I let out a small sigh, asking the empty room, "Are you two still alive? Do you even remember anything? Did… Did you forget me?"
I sighed to myself, shaking my head.
"Shut the hell up, Ryan." I hissed to myself. "It was fucking years ago. It doesn't fucking matter anymore." I leaned forward, pressing my head to the glass, saying, "They don't know you, and that's for the best. They're safer that way."
They're better off forgetting. They're safer. I kept repeating those words in my mind as stared back at myself, but I still fought the urge to break down. After a few moments, I shook my head silently, my teal dangly things shifting with each movement. Calm down, man. Fuck. Doing my best to push the thoughts from my mind, I went to work getting ready, starting with brushing my teeth. Ten minutes later, I stepped out of the bathroom, flicking the light off behind me. I went down the hall, past my own door and one other, before going down the stairs at the end. As I came around the bend in the stairs, I heard a familiar voice a few rooms over, prompting me to scowl at the sound. I stepped onto the first floor into the hallway of the somewhat small house, turning away from the front door and starting down the hall, passing by the living room and going into the small kitchen. My eyes moved to the small TV on the counter, before shifting over to the young boy sitting at the table, his eyes fixated on the screen. He didn't notice my entrance, instead continuing to slowly eat his bowl of cereal.
I rolled my eyes, asking, "Why are you even watching that trash? It's nothing but propaganda."
The kid shrugged slightly, replying, "I'm not. Cartoons come on after it."
"They seriously still let cartoons play?" I said, somewhat shocked. "I can't believe that anything even remotely entertaining is allowed anymore." He didn't speak again, so I just added, "Gotta keep kids distracted somehow, I guess. More kids watching TV, less kids out misbehaving."
I stepped over to the fridge and opened it, before pulling out a bottled frappuccino, closing the appliance. I twisted the lid off and took a drink, my eyes still on the kid, his gaze fixated on the news playing.
I twisted the cap back on, saying, "Y'know, CC, for not being too interested in the speech, you seem pretty enraptured by it."
"N-No." CC responded. "It's just on."
"Yeah?" I asked.
He hesitated, before replying, "Y-Yeah."
I smirked slightly, suggesting, "Really? Sure it isn't because you're hoping to see a certain someone on there?"
The boy froze at my words, before averting his eyes down to the table. A chuckle escaped my lips, and I moved over behind the kid, resting my hand on his shoulder.
"Chill out, kid." I told him. "I won't tell your mom. I know how she can be."
He let out a relieved sigh, saying, "Thanks, Ryan. She wouldn't be happy if she knew…"
"Yeah, I got you, man." I agreed, standing straight and nodding slightly. "Your mom tends to not be a fan of you loving a murderer."
At my words, he whipped around to face me, blurting out, "He isn't a bad guy! He just…"
"You don't have to explain it to me." I told him. "I know what you mean. Life's not simple."
No one here knows that more than me...
I shook my head lightly, before speaking, "Hey, CC, I've got something for you."
The kid's eyes lit up at this, and he quickly asked, "Really? What is it?"
I chuckled slightly at his excitement, replying, "Turn around and face the TV, and I'll get it for you." He quickly complied, as I added, "Technically, you shouldn't be getting it for another few days, but I don't know how much longer I can hide it, and I can't imagine your mother leaving the house then."
I took another short drink from my bottle, before sitting it on the table. I turned back to the fridge, only to freeze as I heard a familiar voice from the TV. I turned back to face it, my blood starting to boil. I fixed a glare on the screen, only somewhat aware of the dull burn flaring up on my back. Jack… I'll get you one day, you cocksucking motherfucking bastard… I'll feed you your own fucking entrails. I felt my nails dig into my palms as my fists clenched up, the sting bringing me back to reality. I pried my own nails from my flesh with a small gasp, my pulse slowing back to normal. I shot one final glare at the man giving the speech, before whipping back around to the fridge, pushing the violent thoughts from my mind. Stop it, Ryan… That part of your life is over now. It's done. I gave my head another clearing shake, before reaching up on top of the fridge, standing on my toes slightly. I slid my hand over the surface for a few moments, before my hand caught on something. There we go! I grabbed the item tightly, before bringing it down. I held the item tightly in my hands, blowing some of the dust off of the black mask, better showing off the red X on the front. I turned back to CC, going to him and wordlessly placing it on the table before him. His eyes lit up the moment he saw the item, and a broad smile spread across his face.
He looked up to me, asking, "How did you get this?"
I chuckled quietly, replying, "You aren't the only kid out there that loves the guy. During my last run to town, I saw a guy selling these replicas. Obviously, I immediately thought of you. And, hell, you only turn seven once. Might as well make it memorable."
The boy smiled widely at me, blurting out, "Thank you, Ryan! I love it!"
I ruffled the boy's hair, responding, "Don't mention it. I'm just glad you like it." As I spoke, my eyes drifted over to the clock on the wall, prompting me to say, "Listen, I hate to chat and run, but I need to get going. I promised Mrs. Ashby that I'd go out and get her some wood. A big storm is coming in a week or so, and she doesn't want to risk the power going out."
I grabbed my drink and started to leave the room, before turning back to the boy, his eyes on the mask.
"Remember, don't let your mom know about that." I said. "She'd kill me."
CC's gaze never left the item, but he replied, "Got it. Thanks, Ryan!"
I nodded slightly, before turning and leaving the room.
I know that I generally tend to try and keep my stories/page pretty free of real world shit as of late, because, really, none of us want it there. We use this site as an escape. For the readers, it's probably only for a few minutes while you read whatever has been put up. For the writers such as myself, it's multiple hours while we write. But we all come here to escape. We escape from the violence of the real world, from the hatred, the depression, the fighting and the bullshit of life. We come here to enrapture ourselves in the lives of those who aren't real. Maybe because we wish to be them, or we wish to know them, or maybe we just wish to have a life like theirs. Whatever it is, we come here to escape. However, I wanted to temporarily talk about something very real, if only for a little while: this (past) Monday, September 5, is the beginning of the United State's National Suicide Prevention/Awareness Week. This week is honestly one of the most important weeks in the year, because so many suffer from this bullshit, and nothing is done, or sometimes can be done. I'm wanting to talk about this because it's something very close to me, and I have a relatively sizable following here, with people in it who I've spoken to that suffer from shit like suicidal thoughts. For those of you who haven't pieced it together by my emo/melodramatic allusions and references, I have suffered from depression, minor social anxiety, and suicidal thoughts for almost five years now. I'm not sure if I could pinpoint a real cause, but if I had to guess, it all stems from the bullying I received in middle school, as well as multiple ongoing problems at home. Whatever caused it, it led to me having depression. With it came the thoughts that no one gives a fuck about me, and that no one would notice if I disappeared. So, I tried that. I began self-harming and starving myself, sometimes going for almost a week on nothing but a sandwich or two, hoping that I would just finally fucking die. Obviously, it didn't work, much to my ire. I continued spiraling down into this shit hole, hating myself, hating my life, and never wanting to get the fuck out of bed. And, frequently, I wouldn't. There was a time when I lost connection with my (very few) friends for multiple days at a time because I just didn't want to get up from my bed. Eventually, I started to pull out of the slump, after making a few friends. However, I never really got better, due to never talking to anyone about it, or requesting help. Eventually, it hit me hard again, hence my disappearance from this site, and it only got harder after I moved halfway across the country to a state where I knew no one (And still don't, after many months) and was forced away from my friends. I started barely eating again, then I would fluctuate between never eating and eating too much. Eventually, I came back here. Because I realized that I needed to escape. I needed to leave my body for a few hours to just continue to create these stories and universes that I've made, to be with these characters that I've poured my heart and soul (and for some, parts of me) into creating. I needed this site, and I needed you guys. Whenever I put up a chapter that gets no reviews, I feel like shit afterwards. It's like whatever I've done, I haven't pleased you guys, or you've stopped fucking caring. It's like texting your friend and sitting by your phone for hours, never getting a reply. Because that's what I do. I'll put up a chapter and keep my phone by me, and every time I hear my email notification sound, I jump for my phone, hoping to see a review. Sometimes, I would. Not always, but when I did, I read it over multiple times, making sure I took in every word. Because you guys help keep me together. And I've been told that I return the favor for some of you guys. That's why I keep hanging on. Because I know that no matter how hard life gets for me, if what I create can help even one of you guys be distracted enough to relax and find life standable again, then what I'm doing is worth it. If I can somehow help any of you through life, in any way possible, then all of my pain and sadness is worth it, just to know that you guys are happy and enjoying life.
I know it gets hard, guys, trust me. But if you ever need someone to talk to, go to a friend, or a family member. Hell, if you just want to vent without hurting anyone close to you, my inbox is always free, even though I'm just some stupid 18 year old kid.
Whether you're one of my readers (The Lunar Knights), or just someone scrolling through random stories, please just remember: You're not alone, and it's not worth it.
