The show was going well, and now that he had fewer rehearsals Darren was able to spend more time with Issey.
He went to yoga with her, where the women ogled him shamelessly.
Something about being terminally ill seemed to give them the freedom to act like spoiled children.
Darren played along happily but Issey found herself annoyed. There was no reason to stop living by the rules of good manners just because you had cancer.
It stuck with her so much that when she went to her one on one therapy (one of many different therapy types she recieced) she brought it up, her anger
palpable.
What specifically bothered you so much? Are you sure it wasn't jealousy over their flirtations with your husband?"
"My husband is a lightening rod for flirtation, no, it wasn't even this isolated incident, it's their 'get out of jail free' mentality that irritates me. They don't have to act their age, or respect anyone else's boundaries or feelings. They completely eschew responsibility of any kind. It's disgusting."
"We've talked before I believe about the idea that the things we find most unsavory in others are the those that mirror the what we dislike in ourselves. In this case I'd say perhaps you are feeling stuck between not being able to live up to all of the reaponsibilites you normally hand yourself and not wanting the ones you're still burdened with but feeling too guilty to ask for help. "
She stared at Issey in the maddening way all therapists had, like a dog with its head cocked to the side, watching you expectantly, waiting for you to magically allow their words of wisdom to transform you completely and fix everything.
This never happened, at least for Issey, so the staring went on for a rather long time until Issey imagined the therapist must have an awful crick in her neck and so would politely nod and say something encouraging as if she understood.
"I dunno, I guess. I just think people should try harder."
"You hold yourself to an impossible standard Isabelle. You try too hard to be too good and it can make the people around you feel judged and inferior."
She brought it up again in the therapy session she shared with Darren. It was something he had asked for, wanting to feel more involved in her wellness plan.
"She said I make other people feel judged. Do I make you feel that way?"
Darren considered this, "Not judged, unnecessary sometimes, but not on purpose." He tried to be gentle, his voice quiet.
This therapist, a man in his mid fifties with dashing grey at his temples and wire rimmed glasses asked Darren to elaborate.
"I guess sometimes she"
"Talk to her."
"I know it's because you're so used to being on your own but sometimes you're so independent, so focused on keeping this level of self sufficiency up its hard to know where I fit in."
"You fit in every where. I'm not saying you're wrong, if that's how you feel then I must be doing something to make you feel that way, I just don't get what you want. Do you want me to be more needy, because I feel like I've been one open weeping needy mess since the night we met."
"You let your guard down with me and I get how big that is for you, I appreciate it, honestly, but like, when you weren't in the hospital and I'd try to ask you to slow down you'd get upset. I'm not trying to stop you from being who you are but I am asking for the ability to express my concern without you shutting down."
Issey nodded.
"I also think you do things you don't want to do because you think they'll make me feel better, or make me not worry or whatever. Like you're trying to protect me from the ugly sides of what's happening. I don't want that, I want you to share all of it, lean on me, I can handle it."
"So weird. I feel like all I do is lean on you. Of course I want to save you from the horrors of this, why wouldn't I?"
"Do you hear what Darren is saying? Tell me what you hear when he says these things."
"He's being a good husband, a good man. It's who he is, through breeding, education, all of it. He wants me to know that he's good and understanding and maybe that I don't have to worry about him taking off if things get gross, but he can't know that. Even someone with the best intentions has a breaking point."
"No, I mean, partially, but I'm asking you to trust me, not so I can prove that I'm this perfect guy, but because I WANT to be a part of your life, all of it, and because if you keep going the way you are there won't be an us left. You can't keep all of the hard parts for yourself, it means I have to do the same. I didn't ask you to marry me so we could live separate lives and just come together to have sex or throw parties."
This rendered Issey silent for a long time.
Darren took her hand, "Is, I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm just asking you to let me all the way in, because I love you, every bit of you."
She sniffled and nodded but still didn't speak.
Darren sighed and directed his next comment to the doctor. "I want our babies with my whole heart but I wish she weren't pregnant."
At this Issey lost the battle with her tears and let them flow quietly down her cheeks.
"I think she sometimes feels like if it weren't for the babies she could walk away from me and hide somewhere like a wounded animal or that I'd leave her if we didn't have the tie of the twins. I'd have liked the opportunity to prove to her that I would hold on just as hard with or without them."
She found her voice, "You're right. If it weren't for the babies I'd have tried to take off, to shield you completely from having to deal with my sickness. I wouldn't have made you decide to go or stay. I don't think I knew that until you said it but it's true. I couldn't leave because it wasn't just you and I it would have affected but instead I tried to compartmentalize myself and only give you the parts of me I felt good about, and lately that hasn't been a whole lot."
"What can Darren do to make it easier for you to open up those parts if yourself to him?"
"Stop telling me how amazing I am, how proud you are of me. I appreciate what you mean by those things but it also makes me feel like I'm letting you down when I'm not playing the superhero."
"I can do that. Can I ask you for an honest answer to something that's been bothering me?"
"I'll try."
"I know you're proud of me and happy for me and all of that shit, but isn't some part of you mad as hell at me for dragging you to New York and not being here for you while you're so sick?"
"No. I'd be mad if you didn't do this. My biggest fear is holding you back. I have nightmares about standing in your way when there's something you want and I want to move and let you get it but I can't, I'm stuck there and my limbs are so heavy no matter how hard I try I can't get out of the way."
"My dreams are all coming true and you're a huge part of that. You aren't in my way, you ARE my way."
The session was the most powerful she'd had so far. Both she and Darren were drained from the emotional exorcism. It was a Monday so his show was dark. As they walked back to her room she leaned into him. "Thank you."
"For what?"
She smiled, "For hitting me over the head with how much you loved me, for wanting to know all of me, all of it."
"You're welcome. Hey, let's order in something tasty tonight and lay in bed watching a movie."
"Sounds awesome but I'm a little nauseous. You order in food for you, I'm going to stick to my regularly scheduled menu but you're so on for snuggling and a movie."
"See? Was that so hard? Old Issey would have ordered out with me and forced herself to eat food she didn't want."
"I'm trying. I do however reserve the right to feel better and eat half of whatever you get so nothing I'm not allowed to have okay?"
"Deal."
He got sweet and sour chicken with egg drop soup. She tasted the soup and had a bite of the chicken but otherwise stuck to her pre-planned meal.
They found a Thin Man movie marathon and briefly wondered if Walker would mind being renamed Asta.
They fell asleep, content and hopeful for a stronger relationship.
A ringing phone woke them at 7am. Darren answered it and passed it to Issey, "Dr. Chandravarti".
"Dr. Chandravarti, isn't it like, 4 AM in LA?"
"It is, but I'm in New York, listen, why don't you call me by my first name, Preeti."
"Alright, that's beautiful."
"Thank you. It was my Aunt's name, she died a month before I was born. Anyway, I'd like to meet with you and your doctors here later this morning and I wanted to check that your husband would be able to be there as well."
"Is there something wrong?"
"No, we just want to talk over some options with you both that we think would be beneficial."
"Oh," Issey brightened, "Let me check." She held her hand over the phone and looked at Darren, "She's in New York, she wants to meet with us this morning, how late can you stick around?"
"Doesn't matter, as late as they need."
"Don't you have a Vogue photo shoot today?"
"Later, and I can reschedule if I need to. I want to be here."
She decided not to push him to do his own thing, which was her first instinct.
Dr. B was conferenced in on speaker phone and at 10am they began.
Preeti took the lead. "The twins are doing okay, but your daughter is struggling to keep up with her brother. We think it may be partially because they're both cramped for space but also because your body is just not capable of providing the resources required for two babies."
"So what are you saying, you think she might not make it?"
"We think it would be beneficial to you and the babies if we take them next week."
"Next week?! No! That's way too soon!" Issey was instantly panicked.
"It will mean some time in the NICU for both babies, yes, but you know multiples rarely go full term."
"But 34 or 36 weeks is the usual right?"
"In the best conditions, yes, but we had discussed taking the babies as soon as possible."
"But this is too soon, can't we get to 32 weeks?"
"Next week you'll be at 29, some multiples come at 24, it's not as unusual as you may think."
"It's Christmas.
I don't want them born the week of Christmas, they'll get lost in the holiday rush. Give me until after New Years, can we do that?"
"Can I ask, is our daughter going to be in danger if we wait until after the New Year?" Darren asked.
The doctors exchanged looks, it was the question they had hoped to avoid. "No, not really. We feel it would benefit both Isabelle and the children to take them sooner rather than later."
"But it won't hurt to wait until 30 weeks."
"The babies will be fine." Dr. B's voice sliced through the room, "What no one wants to say is we are concerned more with your health Issey. The test results I've been getting are not going in a direction that makes me comfortable. I am worried that you are going to decline quickly over the next few weeks if we aren't able to get more aggressive."
"So, you want to take the babies and then start me on some heavy hitting drugs? Will I be able to care for them?"
There was radio silence.
"What are you all saying? I'm going to give birth and then not be with my kids?"
"You will have some time that will be difficult to interact with them, yes." Her New York oncologist told her with little emotion, "but you are about to get very ill and won't be able to care for them either way. Our way gives you a chance at living to see them at all."
Dr. B spoke quickly over him, "what my colleague is trying to say is that we want to give you what is best for your family long term. We can't force you of course but I'd like you to talk it over, call me or Preeti with any questions and let's revisit this tomorrow morning. Okay?"
"Yes, we'll talk it out, thank you, all, for your time." Darren took charge, feeling Issey's need for them all to go away.
When they were the only two left Issey paced like a bird stuck inside a house, banging into things, desperate for a way out.
"They can't, not yet, 32 weeks," she was having full conversations in her head but only the occasional word leaked out.
"Is? Can you come sit down and talk to me?"
"I'm losing it Darren, you can't let this happen. I need to not let them take them."
"The doctors seem to believe they'll be fine, I think we should concentrate on why they're so worried about you ."
She tried to settle and sit next to him but her eyes were wild with a look that frightened him. She looked like someone else entirely, like in horror movies when someone becomes possessed.
"Is, I think we need a therapist here for this."
"Fine, call in Dr. Phil, Dr. Drew, call in Dr. Fucking Seuss but they aren't stealing my kids."
Two hours later she was calmer. "I'm not done being pregnant. I'm not ready to let them go."
"You have to let them be born so you can hold them and get to know them."
"Okay but not yet."
"Are you worried about their being born too early?"
"No. Actually, I know we asked you here but can I just talk to my husband alone?"
"Of course."
"You know how selfish I am? I don't want to have the babies because I know as soon as that happens I have to deal with the cancer. Right now I have this suspended reality, I have them with me all of the time and I can't be a lab rat for all the scary crap they want to do with me. Once I have the babies all I am is sick."
