Ask Peeves:

My Column Still Owns You Fuckers

Many people can't seem to grasp the concept that the last column was making fun of those dullards who have the nerve to write to me on some type of drug. (I get more of those than any of you dipshits could even begin to imagine.) Although I could've made it a bit more obvious, I thought that after reading columns written by me for so long, you would've gained enough brain cells to pick that up. I guess not. But seriously, even if I had been drunk, there's NO POSSIBLE WAY for someone as intelligent as myself to not be able to insult a moron. It IS my fucking job, if you've forgotten that. Speaking of morons, we have five VERY moronic letters in this week.

Hey Peevesy,

I'm your BIGGEST fan! I adore you! And I want to become just like you!
My advice question: How do I become like you?!

--You biggest fan and dullard...

Big Dullard Fan--

You could start by not being such a suck-up. Anyone who reads my columns regularly knows that I don't kiss other people's asses, which makes me assume that you DON'T read Ask Peeves regularly, and yet still claim to be my "BIGGEST fan". So I guess that's number two to becoming as great as me (although you shouldn't even dream of achieving that): READ SOME MORE OF MY FUCKING COLUMNS! Learn a little about me before you decide to idolize me, dullard.

--Peeves

Alright Peeve's,

here's a question for ya-
How come you always come up with some pussy excuse not to kill people?
Come on man, let the blood flow!

DWOC

--DWOC

If you're referring to my previous column, you can shut the hell up, because I wasn't being serious while I was writing it. In fact, I DID kill the fucktard who wrote in that question, and just so you know, that's not the first time that I've "let the blood flow". I usually try to keep it quiet when I kill someone, because for some reason, going to Azkaban doesn't seem very appealing to me. But, I thought about it again, and I decided that I'm not afraid of those pussy-ass Dementors, and it would hardly be a challenge to suck out their souls. But not before I get one to suck out yours.

--Peeves

Dear Peeves,

Wow...um...yeah. Sorry..about...that. I am crazy. I also have infinite knowledge...and I'm cool. GRA! GIVE ME YOUR PENIS! ILL MAKE SOUP! SOUP!

--Darkmuffin6

Dark Muffin666 Impersonator--

Oh look, a dead dullard is writing to me. Well, unless you lived through the brutal torture I put you through last week (very, very doubtful), or you're a ghost (almost as doubtful), I'll have to say that you're an impersonator (extremely likely). You know who I hate even more than Darkmuffin666? Darkmuffin666 impersonators! I'll be killing you tonight, just to give you a fair warning, because I'm such a nice guy. Don't think I can't track you down by using your letter.

--Peeves

hEy PeEvEs,

i hAvE seXUaL FaNtASIeS abOUt yOu eVeRy nIGhT!! m0sT inClUdE mE stIcKiNg mY WAnD uP yOuR AsS!! d0eSn'T tHaT mAkE yoU s0 h0rNY?? iT mAkES mE H0rNy f0r YOu, pEevie!! lEt mE sTicK mY wAnD uP YoUr aSS.. c0mE 0N!! i'M wAiTiNG!!

--h0rNY f0R y0u

Horny Freak--

I have a feeling you thought you were being clever when you called your dick your wand. Unless, of course, you really want to stick your wand, not your one-centimeter dick, up my ass. Either way, I am completely replused by your sick sexual fantasy, although I would've been totally fine with it if you had KEPT IT TO YOURSELF, GODDAMNIT! Your sexual fantasies are your business until you share them with me, at which point they become my steal-toed boot's business as well.

--Peeves

Dear Peeves,

You should expand your advice column and write it outside of the Daily Non-Prophet! That way, it would be accessible to even more people! That would be teh pwnz0r!

--Sam

Sam--

You're right; my column is pretty bad-ass. The eyes of you and all of the other fucktards reading this aren't even worthy to take in something this great and elite. You should consisder yourselves the luckiest people alive to be in my presence. I'll take your idea into consideration, though.


A/N: Peeves wasn't lying to get Sam to fuck off and actually did think long and hard about his suggestion to expand, and he decided to do it. Peeves is now answering questions on his own website, which can be found in my profile, because this damn site doesn't let me put links in stories.