Lowest on the Totem Pole
Chapter 28
"Mom, Mama, how come Elsa gets to go to school but I don't?"
Teresa looked across the dining table at Claire before looking back at their daughter. She swallowed heavily - Teresa had known that this question would come, but she had hoped it would come later (no specific date, just always later). Claire gave a reassuring smile before looking at the clock and sighing.
"Anna, honey," Teresa started, watching Claire finish her dinner quickly in big bites, "Mom has to go to work now. Give her a hug and a kiss, and then you and I will talk about school, okay?"
Anna nodded, sliding off of her chair and climbing onto Claire's lap, giving her a quick kiss and a tight hug. "Do you hafta go, Mom?"
Claire sighed, rubbing Anna's back. "Yeah, honey, I have two appointments tonight. I won't be home before bedtime, but Mama'll read you a story, yeah?" Anna nodded into Claire's shoulder. "The people I'm meeting with need my help, Anna. We'll spend all day tomorrow together as usual, okay?"
"Yeaaaahhh…" Anna sighed and climbed down from Claire's lap, returning to her own chair and picking at her dinner. "See you tomorrow, Mom, I love you."
"Love you too, baby Anna," Claire said with a smirk. She stood, as did Teresa, and the two walked together to the front door. As Claire pulled her shoes on and grabbed a sweater from the coat rack, Teresa sighed.
"Good luck tonight," Teresa said softly. "Be safe. You'll have an officer on site just in case, right?"
Claire nodded, leaning in to kiss Teresa. "Yeah, but don't worry. These guys are dangerous, but they really do want to get better. I'm the only one willing to help them, so they know I'm their only chance. They won't risk doing anything to me."
"I'll never be able to not worry about you, Claire. Now go on, I have to placate our daughter," Teresa said, reaching up to cup Claire's cheek with her right hand. "Be safe, I love you."
"Sorry for leaving that to you," Claire said, kissing Teresa again before opening the door. "But, then again, you always were better at explaining things than I was. Good luck, I love you more!"
With that, Claire was out the door. Teresa sighed and stared at the closed door for a moment before turning back and returning to the dining room. Anna was still picking at her dinner, though she was mostly just pushing the broccoli around her plate. With a single look from Teresa, Anna started shoveling said broccoli into her mouth, nearly choking on it. Teresa sighed, knowing exactly where those table manners came from.
"Baby Anna, I'm going to start the fire. Once you're done eating, put your plate on the counter and bring one of your workbooks into the living room, okay?"
Anna nodded, saying something that sounded like: "Yes, Mama" through a mouthful of broccoli. Teresa just sighed again and made her way to the living room to start a small fire. Once it was started, Teresa curled up in a corner of the couch, shortly joined by Anna, and wrapped both of them in a blanket. She set the workbook Anna had brought aside for the moment, and instead brought her daughter in for a hug.
"Mama, Elsa started school when she was five. I'm six, how come I don't get to go to school?" Anna asked, wrapping her arms around Teresa's neck.
"Well, honey, you're a special case," Teresa said as she rubbed Anna's back. "It's just that… you're different from other kids, and you need more care than a school is able to provide."
"Why'm I different?" Anna questioned.
"It's your wild imagination, baby Anna; it's just a little to wild for school yet. You Drift too easy, so while Mom and I know how smart you are, we can't prove it."
"I like Drifting, though," Anna mumbled. "It's fun to Drift and make up stories about people. Why is it bad?"
"Oh, honey, it's not bad," Teresa said quickly. "Drifting is good, but there are good times to Drift and bad times to Drift. You just… You can't control when you do it yet. That's what we need to work on, okay, baby Anna?"
Anna nodded into Teresa's shoulder, sniffling. "I jus' wanna be like Essa," she said, reverting back to the way she had said Elsa's name before she could properly pronounce it. "Why can't I be as cool as Essa?"
Teresa smiled softly, kissing the side of Anna's head. "You and Elsa are two different people, Anna. You'll never be the same as Elsa, and that's good. Think of how boring it would be if you and Elsa were the same."
Anna thought for a moment before giggling. "Boring," she repeated. "Super duper boring."
"See?" Teresa said. "She's Elsa, and you're Anna, and that's how it should be."
Anna nodded again. "Can we work on numbers now, Mama? If I can't be cool like Essa, I wanna be cooler. Then I can show her how cool I am and sweep her off her feet like a prince and we'll live happily ever after!"
"Well," Teresa said, mimicking Anna's excitement. "What are we waiting for? Let's get that workbook finished tonight!"
It means we're dustbinned to be together!
It's true! I'll make it happen! We'll be together forever!
Anna was curled up on her bed, crying into her pillow. She was careful not to put any weight on her left leg, which was wrapped in a thick cast. Her leg hurt, but that wasn't the reason she was crying. Anna could handle pain. What she couldn't handle was what her mothers had just told her.
"Anna, please listen," Teresa pleaded, sitting on the edge of Anna's bed.
"No!" Anna shouted. "No, I wanna see Essa! We promised! I promised!"
"Anna, Elsa won't be coming out to play anymore," Teresa said firmly. "And you won't be setting foot on their property ever again."
Anna cried louder, trying to drown out her mother's voice. "I don' care what you say! I want Essa, and I want Essa right now!"
Teresa sighed and moved so that she was sitting behind Anna. She pulled a struggling Anna into her lap and wrapped the girl in a tight bear hug. Anna squirmed weakly for a few moments before resigning to sobbing into Teresa's shirt. "I miss Essaaaaa," Anna whined.
"I know, baby Anna, I know. But Elsa's parents say she's not allowed to play anymore, so we're just going to have to accept that. It's going to be hard, baby, but you'll be okay. Maybe we can get you into school this next year so you can meet people your age," Teresa suggested, rubbing Anna's back.
"I don' want anyone but Essa," Anna mumbled between sobs. "Only ever Essa. I promised."
Teresa only hugged her daughter tighter, fighting back her own tears. She looked up as Claire entered the room with three cups of hot chocolate in hand. Teresa shook her head and gave Claire a look, silently communicating with her partner. Claire set the cups down on Anna's desk, scooting papers over to make room for them, before joining Teresa and Anna on the bed. She wrapped one arm around Teresa's waist and ran her other hand through Anna's hair, trying to calm the girl down.
"What are we gonna do?" Teresa asked, looking to Claire with tears threatening to spill.
"I don't know," Claire said softly. "I just… I don't know."
As long as I have you, I'll be okay.
"So, Anna, tell me about your Drifting. Are there any recurring themes? Recurring characters?"
Anna chewed lightly on her bottom lip, lacing her fingers together as she sat back in the armchair across the small room from her therapist. "Lately, my friend Elsa has been in most of them. My Drifts used to be more… fantastical, I suppose, but now I just find myself imagining what each day would've been like if she had been with me. It's comforting in a way, since I can't see her in real life. I can always imagine Elsa in the Drift," she said.
"You miss Elsa a lot, don't you?"
"So much," Anna said softly, clutching at her shirt right in front of her heart. "It hurts so much, doc."
"Why don't we try taking that feeling and redirecting it?" the therapist suggested. "What's something constructive that you could work on in order to close that gap between Elsa and yourself?"
"I don't know, doc," Anna said. "Elsa never leaves her house except for school, and she goes to the super fancy private school that my moms could never afford. Even if I went to school, it'd have to be public school. I mean, it's impossible, doc! Ever since the night I broke my leg, it's like that house has been on lockdown!"
"And that's precisely why this fixation isn't doing you any good, Anna. You've spent three years hurting over this, maybe it's time to start focusing on the future. On your future. Maybe one that can fit Elsa, maybe one that can't."
Anna scoffed, but her therapist continued speaking before she could make any kind of remark.
"Let's focus on getting your Drifting under control so we can get you into public school. I really think that being in school would help you, Anna. Your mothers love you very much, but you also need companionship from people your age."
"I have to stop Drifting every three minutes for that to happen," Anna said, rolling her eyes.
The therapist smiled softly and nodded, pulling out a pad of paper from the drawer on the table next to him. "From what you and Teresa have told me, your current prescription isn't doing much good. I'll write you a new one, and we'll see if this dosage works for you. Don't worry, Anna, we're doing everything we can to get this under control. As long as you try your best, we'll find a way."
"Whatever you say, doc. See you next week," Anna said, taking the piece of paper that he handed her before walking out the door to find Teresa.
Teresa smiled at Anna and stood, holding out a hand that Anna grabbed immediately. She took the prescription from Anna's other hand, reading it over before nodding.
"Thanks, Pabbie," Teresa said. "You've been a tremendous help."
Pabbie waved a hand and scoffed. "I'm hardly doing anything," he said. "How is Claire?"
Teresa hesitated, gripping Anna's hand tighter. Anna pushed herself up against her mother's side, gripping Teresa's shirt with her free hand.
"She's… She's getting worse," Teresa admitted. "She can't drive anymore, she can work maybe once a week. We're in the final stage of testing to confirm the diagnosis."
Pabbie sighed and ran a hand through his thick hair. "I'm so sorry that this is happening, Teresa," he said. "None of you deserve to go through this pain. If you ever need anything, let me know."
"Thank you, Pabbie." Teresa looked down and nudged Anna. "Anna?"
"Thanks for everything, doc," Anna said. "See you next week."
Anna stood awkwardly in front of a classroom full of 11-year-olds, tugging at the collar of her dress. Her hair was neatly done in two braids and her mothers had kept her from dirtying the new shoes she was wearing, hoping that it would be enough to make a decent impression.
"Now everyone," the teacher said gruffly, scratching at his beard. "This is Anna Summers, and she'll be in our class for the rest of the year. She was homeschooled up to this point, so you should all be nice and welcoming."
Anna looked around the classroom, a sea of unfamiliar eyes all focused on her. Her throat tightened and she looked up at the teacher, hoping he wouldn't make her say anything. He looked back down at her, seeming uninterested, and then looked back up and pointed to the back corner of the classroom.
"There's a free desk there, next to Jane. Jane, please show Anna around during recess and lunch today."
"Yes, sir!"
As she walked back to her seat, Anna got a look at the girl she was sitting next to. Jane was small, probably shorter than Anna, and had long brown hair tied up messily into a bun. She wore a yellow dress that reached just past her knees, and Anna blushed when blue eyes met hers.
"Hi Anna," Jane said softly as Anna sat down. "How come you're just starting school now?"
"It's Anna," Anna corrected. "Ah-nna, not Anna. My moms wanted me to stay home for personal reasons."
"What do you mean, moms?" The boy in front of Anna turned around, leaning on her desk. "Why do you have more than one mom? What about your dad?"
Anna looked at the boy, surprised and confused. "I don't have a dad. Just two moms."
The boy guffawed, slapping his hand on Anna's desk. "That's ridiculous!" He shouted. "Everyone, Anna doesn't have a dad! Her parents are leeeessbiaaaaans!"
"Ew!" A girl across the room piped up. "You better not try anything on us!"
As the class laughed and the teacher attempted to calm them down, Anna sank lower into her seat, her face redder than her hair. She looked over and caught Jane's eye to see that she was the only one not laughing. Her look of pity didn't make Anna feel any better, though.
"Hey lesbian! What's with the gray hair? It makes you look funny!"
"Your face makes you look funny!" Anna retorted, crossing her arms in front of her chest. She was standing in the lunch line behind Jane, waiting for her turn to get a slice of pizza or a hot dog or whatever happened to look good. "And it's blonde, not gray!"
"Oh, so you're only a little bit stupid," the boy replied, smirking. He was slightly shorter than Anna, his brown hair falling to his shoulders. He wasn't intimidated by her height in the least, confident that he had the upper hand.
"Lay off, Tarzan," Jane said with a frown. "It's her first day, can't you cut her some slack?"
Tarzan scoffed, but walked away regardless. Anna smiled at Jane and received a reassuring smile in return. Jane reached out to pat Anna's shoulder gently.
"You'll be okay, Anna," Jane said. "You're tough. Kids our age are mean, we just need to ignore them and move on. At least, that's what my father says."
"Thanks," Anna said, meeting Jane's eyes. "You have really pretty eyes," she said without thinking. Jane blushed and coughed, stuffing her hands into the pockets of her dress.
"Th-thanks, Anna."
Do you wanna build a snowman?
Come on, let's go and play!
Anna sat dejectedly in a corner of the playground, building a small castle with the tiny amount of sand at her disposal. She looked up, seeing all of the other children playing happily, watching Jane in particular as she played on the monkey bars with Tarzan.
Sorry, Anna, but you're kind of weird.
And when she says weird, she means you're a freak! So you leave her alone, sicko!
Just like that, tears were threatening to spill again. Anna rubbed at her eyes with the sleeve of her turtleneck, sniffling and wishing one of her mothers would come and take her back home. She knew, however, that they wouldn't, and she still had several hours, one trip to the nurse's office, and a long, long bus ride home before she could feel loved again.
"I just want Essa…"
Sixth, seventh, and eighth grades were a blur for Anna - three years of endless teasing, roughhousing that usually ended up getting too rough, teachers who turned the other way, and a mother who sometimes didn't remember that she even existed. She kept up with her medication, but still found herself using the Drift as an escape. Things could be happy in the Drift. In the Drift, her mother wasn't sick. No one left her when she was there.
By the time she started high school, Anna had stopped crying. She didn't cry over Elsa, she didn't cry over her mothers, and she refused to cry over the bullying she expected to face. Everything hurt, still, she wasn't able to block out the pain, but she would not give her bullies the satisfaction of knowing how much they hurt her.
It was time for her to learn to stand on her own two feet, even if it meant burying her pain and sadness. She couldn't rely on Elsa and she couldn't rely on her mothers. Anna decided that it was time to cast her crutches aside and walk into her first day of freshman year with her head held high.
Looking back, Anna often wondered why she hadn't made that decision sooner.
A/N: Wow! That was a hell of a chapter! A brief look into Anna's life growing up. I wanted to do a bit more on Claire, but this chapter was getting to be too unwieldy. Anyway, happy Tuesday and I'll see you again on Thursday for Elsa's chapter! I love you all, drop me a review or a PM to tell me how I'm doing!
~Matt
