To all the reviewers; you deserve lots of kisses from Edward! I love your responses, thank you so much!
I got this chapter up as fast as possible. Hope you'll like it.
Chapter 29: Waiting
EPOV
I had driven over to Bella to drop off the package, which contained my journal, in her mailbox. I did it quickly so no one noticed. I didn't want to have to deal with Charlie, Emmett or Jacob for that matter.
As soon as I came back home, I texted Bella to let her know that she had a package waiting for her. It took several minutes before she replied, and the message only said;
Thank you. Alice is still here, so I'll wait until later to see what it is.
I was happy that she hadn't opened the package yet. Alice would probably try to read it, and I wouldn't want that to happen. It was only meant for Bella.
Good. I think you would want to wait to open it before she is gone.
Her response was fast.
She is almost begging me to open it. I'm actually curious to find out what it is.
I chuckled. Even though she hated surprises she was curious about this little one. But I wasn't so sure she would be happy when she had read the first few pages.
I think you would want to wait until she's gone.
I really hoped that she would wait. I didn't want Alice to know all these things. Then she would be after me even more than she already was.
I'll wait, but can't wait to see what it is.
I didn't respond to her last message, because I was afraid of her response when she knew what it was. Maybe she didn't want anything to do with me after she had read it. Maybe she wouldn't give me a second chance. Or maybe she didn't want to read it at all.
I wondered when she would start to read it, and how long for her it would take. Would she talk to me while reading it or ignore me. I guess I had to find out Monday, if she had even started reading then. I would have to ask her.
Soft knocking on my door pulled me out of my thoughts. I was sitting at my desk, just looking into nothing and wondering, nervously about it all.
"Come in," I called.
The door slowly opened and in stepped none other than my stepsister. But she didn't look like her normal self. She usually looked gorgeous, but now she looked like hell. It looked like she had been crying. She didn't even wear makeup, and she always refused to even leave her own room without makeup on.
I couldn't even say anything to her, not even acknowledge her, because I was sitting and staring at her. I was really taken by surprise by her appearance. Emmett must have really given her hell. Plus I had told her to stay away from me, and I meant that. I didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore. At least if she hadn't changed.
In that moment I actually felt sorry for her. Even she didn't deserve to be treated badly – or maybe she did? I wasn't actually so sure.
She closed the door behind her, before she walked over and sat down on my couch. She suddenly looked so small, like a little mouse. It was strange because usually she would seem like an intimidating tiger, but right now she was a little helpless mouse.
"I wanted to talk to you." Rosalie's voice was hoarse, probably from crying, and I had to concentrate to hear what she was saying, because she was speaking so low. Maybe she had feelings after all.
"Talk," I said simply. I wanted to hear what she had to say.
"I talked to Emmett, and he said he had talked to you," she almost whispered.
"Yeah we did talk. Unfortunately for you he didn't beat the shit out of me," I scoffed. "But I told him the truth and he seemed disappointed that you had only told him half of it."
"Disappointed," Rose muttered. "He was so much more than that."
"Can you blame him Rose? We made a bet revolving his little sister, and we lied to him. You lied to him."
"I know," she sniffed.
The situation felt so unreal. I had never seen Rosalie like this before, and it actually affected me, it made me sad.
"He was so mad, and I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't listen," she continued. "I have never felt so useless, so… I don't know…"
"You felt like the worse piece of…" I hinted.
"Yes," she sighed. "I actually feel sorry for the first time in my life."
"I don't think it's the same kind of sorry we feel. You don't care a thing about Bella, but I do. All you care about is Emmett, and he is mad at you right now, and that is why you feel sorry, am I right?"
Rosalie looked at me without saying a word, but I could see it in her eyes that I was right.
Okay I take that back about the feelings, maybe she don't have them after all.
"We messed up, huh?" She tried to smile at me.
"We did," I said bitterly. I really didn't want to talk to her right now. She was still a coldhearted bitch. She hadn't learned anything from all of this.
Rosalie didn't say anything, she just looked between me and the floor. I had never seen her so uncertain of herself before.
I decided to help her out a bit, I wasn't coldhearted after all. At least I wanted to believe that I wasn't. "So you wanted to talk. Do you have more on your heart?" I wanted to say something like stone cold heart, but I decided against it. I was the one with the heart here, right?
"I wanted to say that… I'm sorry," she almost choked out. She had never said sorry to anyone before.
"I'm not the one you should apologize to."
"I promised Emmett I'll talk to Bella too," she sighed.
"I knew it," I shook my head. "Emmett made you do this." I gestured with my hands between us. "He made you do it, and you don't even mean it. What do you think Emmett will say when he finds out your words doesn't mean anything?"
Rosalie's eyes got big. "Don't tell him."
"Why do you even want to apologize when you don't mean it? Just because Emmett told you to?"
She looked thoughtful for a moment, before she slowly nodded.
I sighed. "You really are in love with him."
Rosalie raised her chin a little as if to deny it, but when I raised my eyebrows at her, her head slowly went down. "I'm not," she muttered.
"You're not? Come on Rosalie," I almost yelled. I stood up now and walked over to her. She looked up at me with wide eyes. "Don't play games with me. I'm done with it, and you know you can't lie to me. You love him, but you just won't admit it. Where is your heart, Rose? Like, really, where is it? Can't you just for once in your life be honest and follow your heart, if you even have one?" I was yelling now, I was mad as hell.
"I'm… It's…" She sputtered.
Then she abruptly stood up and our faces were only inches apart. She was fuming now.
"Don't you fucking yell at me," she spat. "I have a heart, but I'm not stupid like you to just put it out there. You have lost your grip, Edward. You have lost yourself."
The insecure Rosalie was gone and replaced by the old and cold one. She seemed to go from hot to cold in a second.
"That's where you're wrong," I said with a smile. "I have found myself."
The truth of my words made me happy. I had found myself now, Bella had helped me to. All the time I had walked around being a complete asshole, and deep inside I knew something had been missing. This new me was who I really was, and I liked that person so much more than the old me.
"You make me sick." She shook her head and crossed her arms above her chest.
"And you make me sick. Why can't you just admit that you love him, and stop being a bitch? Right now you put up an act to protect yourself. You think that you will seem weak if you let your guard down. Why won't you just admit to me that you have feelings for him, and that you deep inside know that what we did was wrong?" I looked pointedly at her.
"You aren't very smart if you think that I would admit to that."
"But you don't deny it, so I take it that you do," I smiled smugly at her.
That made her angry even more so then before and she glared at me. "Don't start something you can't finish."
"Shut up. I'm tired of your little games. Now leave me alone. Apology not accepted. I just found out by your behavior that I really want nothing to do with you."
"As if, we are family, so you can't avoid me forever."
"I'll try my best, now get out before I call Carlisle and tell him to look in your desk for a secret little room," I said and pointed at the door.
"You wouldn't," she clenched her teeth.
"I sure would. Now get the hell out!" I yelled at her.
Rosalie glared at me for a second before she turned and stomped out of my room and slammed the door behind her.
Dinner that night went quietly. Rosalie and I simply ignored each other and it seemed like Carlisle and Esme knew something was wrong, but they didn't say anything. They just kept talking and asking questions about school and what we had been up to lately. But when Esme bought up a question about Bella and Emmett, we all went quiet.
"So when will we be seeing Bella and Emmett again?" Esme asked and looked excitedly between us.
Slowly I raised my eyes from my plate and looked over at Rose, who was looking back at me with a blank expression.
I turned to Esme and smiled at her. "I don't know. But soon I think." At least I hoped so.
"I was thinking about inviting them over for dinner on Thursday?" She took a bite of her roast, and looked between us again.
"I'll ask Bella if she's available," I said and looked down at my plate again.
"Good, and what do you say Rose?"
A few seconds passed by in silence before she finally answered. "I'll ask him."
"Fabulous," Esme said. "I can't wait. What should I make?"
Silence again, but this time Carlisle luckily decided to interfere. "We'll talk about that later, dear. Let the kids eat their food now."
Fortunately the conversation had ended there and I could think about everything else than dinner with Emmett and Bella on Thursday. It would be awkward if things weren't back to normal by then, but I doubted it would. But what would 'back to normal' be like? It wouldn't and it couldn't be like before. Emmett and Bella knew everything now, and I wasn't even sure if Bella or Emmett for that matter could forgive me.
Monday morning I stood in front of my car at the parking lot at school, waiting for Bella. I had texted her and asked if I should pick her up, but Alice was driving her.
When I spotted the car, I straightened up. Alice parked the car only a few spots from mine, and she and Bella climbed out of the car at the same time. Alice hurriedly half-ran to Bella's side and they walked together towards me. Bella with her head down and Alice was looking at me with a sad expression.
They both stopped when they were in front of me.
"Hey," I said and smiled.
It looked like Alice was trying to smile back, but it only turned out to be a grimace. Bella was still looking downwards.
Alice turned to Bella. "I see you later?"
Bella nodded and Alice turned back to me. "I don't know what was in that package, but it didn't exactly make her thrilled it seems."
"Well I didn't suspect that it would," I said.
Alice looked at me as if trying to read my mind. "I don't know what you're up to, but I promised Bella to back off, so I will, but if you hurt her just…"
Bella interrupted her. "Alice."
Alice shook her head disapproving before she walked away from us.
"It seems you have many who are very protective of you," I mused, also hoping to ease the tension.
"So it seems," she muttered.
"So I guess you started reading?"
She nodded one time, still looking down, refusing to look me in the eyes.
"I'm sorry, but I felt like that you had to know everything about me, you know. I want to let it all out there. I think it would be best if you know it all about me, and I want to be honest with you and…"
"Is there more?" she interrupted me.
Of course she would want to ask that question, and my stomach twisted at the thought. I really didn't want to tell her right now, but I had just told her that I wanted to be honest with her, and I meant that.
"There is one more," I choked out.
Bella sighed and finally she looked up, and our eyes met. Mine searching, waiting and hers were sad and something else I couldn't read.
"At least there isn't a thousand," she tried to smile.
"You want to read the other one too?" I asked her, some part of me hoping that she wouldn't.
"I don't know. I'm not sure… I don't think so, I mean I'll have to read this one first and it's…" Bella was almost stuttering.
"I get it. It's not exactly easy for you to read. I'm not even sure I want to read it."
The bell rang and indicated that it was time for class to start.
"I'm sorry I'm making you late for class," I said while we started walking.
"It's okay."
"So what are you doing after school?" I asked her.
She looked up at me with raised eyebrow.
"Oh, reading of course." I felt stupid for even asking her. "I'll walk you to class."
"Don't, you're late yourself. I see you at lunch." With that she turned and walked the other way, leaving me standing and looking for her for a moment, before I hurried off to class myself.
Lunch finally came and unfortunately she sat at the other end of the table with Alice and Jasper who were both glancing at me now and then; Alice with a pensive expression and Jasper with a pitiful.
The tension at the table was palpable. Emmett and Rosalie were talking silently amongst themselves, but it was obvious things weren't perfect in their little paradise.
I wondered if people knew what had happened, but I doubted they did.
Bella didn't look my way throughout the entire lunch, but when the bell rang and indicated it was time for Biology, she finally looked at me. She stood with her tray in her hands, and it looked like she was waiting for me. I quickly grabbed mine and went over to her.
"Thank you," I muttered.
She nodded, knowing I was thanking her for waiting for me.
We got rid of our trays and walked side by side.
"It's hard for me to read it, but I'll get through it," Bella said and broke the silence.
I got the double meaning of the words. At least I hoped there was a double meaning.
"I hope so," I muttered as we walked into Biology.
We sat down beside each other and both looked ahead at Mr. Banner who was already standing at the front and writing on the board.
"I don't know if this is a good time to ask, but my mother wanted to know if you were free on Thursday to have dinner with us," I said still looking straight ahead.
The tension between us was somewhat unpleasantly, but I hoped we would get through it. We had to. I wanted it so badly. I wished for it.
"I don't know," she said.
"It's okay. Just let me know when you know," I said and couldn't help but smile.
We both turned our heads to look at each other at the same time, and we both smiled at each other, and then the smiles turned into grins. That eased the tension a bit, and I was happy about it, grinning even more if it was even possible.
"Ride with me home," I said before I could stop myself.
Bella stopped grinning. "I don't know."
"I'll take you straight home, and then I'll go home myself, I promise. I get that you need time to both read and to think things through and…" I couldn't say the rest.
"I'm not sure if Alice would be pleased," Bella chuckled.
It made me happy that Bella was chuckling, letting loose a bit, forgetting it all right now, and could joke a bit. I wanted that with her, even though now wasn't the best time for that. At least it didn't feel so.
"She doesn't have to, as long as you're pleased," I said and smiled crookedly. "I just want you to be happy."
"I'll write her a text," she said.
"Yes," I grinned in triumph.
"Take it easy," Bella laughed.
Mr. Banner told us all to be quiet, and began his lecture.
"So what did Alice say?" I asked when we sat in my car on our way to Bella's house.
"She just said it was okay. She won't interfere, I made her promise that."
"Yeah, you told her to back off. I like that," I chuckled.
"Yes, but she will interfere if I tell her to."
I looked at her to read her expression, but she was smiling at me. Hopefully she didn't mean it.
I faked a sigh of relief and that made her giggle.
"I'm glad that you can laugh at my expense," I said and looked on the road again.
"Good," she said and then added; "Just keep your eyes on the road."
"As you wish," I said even though I rather wanted to look at her. "But looking at you is something I would much rather do."
"Oh, so you're riming now. Is that part of you scheme?"
"What scheme?" I suddenly felt nervous even though I wasn't scheming, but did she think I was?
"I was just kidding," she giggled again. "Gosh, you looked nervous for a second there."
"Again, I'm glad I amuse you," I said and shook my head. "You are one of a kind."
I pulled up at her house, and finally I could look at her. We smiled at each other.
"So, I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Sure," she said and opened the door.
"Bella," I said before she could climb out.
"Yeah?"
"Will you write me a message before you go to sleep, so I'll know that you're okay and aren't completely grossed out?" I sounded like a little boy.
"Okay," she said and climbed out.
Before she shut the door, I said 'thank you' and then drove home.
Tuesday we didn't get to talk much because Alice was around her like a hawk all the time. But Bella did smile at me and said goodbye when she walked passed me in the parking lot.
I couldn't really sleep at night because I knew she was in the progress of reading my secrets, and I didn't how far she was or what she was even thinking. The waiting almost drove me insane - at least that was what it felt like.
Wednesday when we sat in Biology Bella seemed tired, and I noticed that she didn't pay attention to class, and when Mr. Banner asked her a question she couldn't answer. That didn't seem like her.
"Is something wrong?" I whispered towards her when Banner turned his front to the board.
"No, I just didn't have time to make my homework," she was looking straight ahead.
Then it dawned on me; she hadn't had time to make her homework because she had been busy reading my journal.
"I'm sorry," I said.
I wondered how far she was in her reading. Was she almost done?
Bella didn't say anything, and I didn't like her silence. Maybe what she read repulsed her so much that she didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. My stomach turned into knobs at the thought. I really hoped she could forgive me.
When Biology was over she agreed to let me follow her to her next class.
While on our way I remembered Esme saying before I went to school that Emmett had agreed to come over, and of course she wanted to know if Bella was up for it too, and I couldn't give her an answer because I didn't know if she was.
"So Emmett is coming over for dinner tomorrow," I started and when Bella didn't indicate that she would answer I continued. "I guess he has forgiven her."
"I don't think he has, I just think he wants to try and work things out with her," she said her voice blank.
"Well he must be in love with her then." I tried to inconspicuously assess her reaction by looking at her out of the corner of my eye.
"Maybe," she shrugged her shoulders.
She seemed so distant and somewhat cold. I was afraid I was beginning to losing her.
"So… What about you?" I asked.
"What about me?" She looked up at me with her brown eyes.
"Will you come tomorrow night?" I asked her. Maybe she thought I was going to ask her something else?
She didn't answer right away, but I wanted her to be there, and I was afraid that she would say no, so I decided to play the guilt card on her.
"Esme asked me this morning, because she knows Emmett is coming, and she said she really wanted you to come." Esme hadn't said that but I was sure she wanted her there. She liked Bella and she wouldn't have asked if she didn't.
We stopped in front of the doors to the gym, her next class, and I turned to look at her, waiting for her answer.
"So will you come and make both me and Esme happy?"
"Okay," she said.
I smiled at her and pulled her to me and hugged her, and she returned it.
"Thank you," I whispered into her hair and then pulled away from her. "I'll see you tomorrow."
When I came home I told Esme the happy news, and she smiled and gave me a hug. "I'm so happy that they are both coming over." See, I knew she would be happy that Bella would come, so I hadn't lied to her after all.
The next day I waited for her at the schools parking lot again. This morning she was driving with Emmett.
Emmett nodded at me in acknowledgment, before he continued on. Bella stopped in front of me.
"I'm finished," she said and looked into my eyes.
My heart began pounding in my chest. Was she finished? With me? For a moment I stopped breathing until it dawned on me what she meant, and I could breathe again in relief.
"Oh," I said like a moron. Say some more. Maybe ask her something. "Okay." Stupid!
She nodded and bit her lip. "Yeah."
We were both awkward and didn't know what to say. The silence was uncomfortable.
"I guess I better get to class," Bella said and waved awkwardly at me before she walked passed me.
I stood back alone, only a few other people in the parking lot, but I felt all alone in the world.
She had read the whole journey now, and now she knew it all; some of my deepest and darkest secrets about my conquests. She knew about me and Rosalie's games, and all the details about the game involving her, and now it seemed like she didn't want anything to do with me.
Maybe the idea about giving her my journal wasn't such a good idea after all.
Thank you for reading. So let me know what you think… And like I said the last time; "I don't know when next chapter will be up, but I'll do my best to write it soon, so you won't have to wait so long this time, but unfortunately I can't promise anything. :( " I just hope you're happy it came up faster than anticipated this time :)
"I'm busy throwing hints that you keep missing,
I have to think about it,
I want a review and
everytime I update you seem so distant
I wanna get a review
I can't resist them."
Sugababes – Push the button – again ;)
