Chapter 29:
Three men bolted for the door as one; different thoughts going through their heads. Had he fallen from the bed? Had he tried to get up again? Had he tried to run away from them? When they opened the door however they found him right where they left him, on the bed, seemingly without any new injuries. He just lay there, his hand and leg both supported by a pillow and screaming while tears ran down freely.
Maggie and Mark had heard the screams and came running, looking bewildered at the sight in front of them. As they made to move toward Face's side to check him over and find out what's wrong, Murdock stopped them. He knew the warning signs of a nervous breakdown when he saw them. He had enough practice over the many years in the VA, let alone with his own mind. He did the one thing he had wished others would have done for him sometimes. He took over control and ordered everyone out. Everyone but him.
It took a bit of arguing but within half a minute the door was closed and he was alone with Face who was still screaming animalistic screams. A few more minutes and Face's screams turned to hoarse cries until they died down. Murdock guessed this was his clue, he had been waiting for just the right moment for this to work, timing was essential here. He was pretty sure Face did not know what was going on around him and that he wasn't alone. At least that was always the way for Murdock until the embarrassing moment where he realized half the VA was standing around him. If he made himself known by touching Face too early he would end up embarrassing him and not achieve anything. He had to wait until Face was ready for a shoulder to lean on and he thought that moment had come now.
He sat on the bed and, being careful of his injured hand, pulled him into a sitting position and into a tight embrace. Face buried his head in Murdock's shoulder and started to sob. Murdock said nothing but just held him in silent support for as long as the sobbing went on. Eventually it slowed down. Without pulling back Face started to talk.
"Why? Murdock, why?"
Murdock didn't respond, just continued to hold on and rubbed small circles on Face's back knowing that Face would continue on his own. He needed someone to listen, not to give advice.
"Why? What did I do to deserve all this pain? What could I possibly have done at less than five years old? Why didn't I deserve a chance for a somewhat normal childhood? Even after being abandoned by my parents I had to go through so much pain. Why could it not end there? Why was I sent back time and time again?"
Murdock just continued his silent ministrations.
"Why did I constantly have to watch out instead of just being allowed to play, carefree? It always ended in trouble, some of the nuns and priests were just out for the smallest reason to beat us."
There was a break and Murdock almost thought that was it but then the real outburst came.
"I only wanted some warmth, some human touch. I hadn't even heard of men having sex with little boys in that way. Why did he have to hurt me so much, why? And nobody helped me, they were angry at me and I just didn't understand. I was all alone with my pain. Why did nobody see I was hurting? I saw it on myself every day, I was dirty, never got clean again but the father and the nuns didn't see, or didn't acknowledge. None ever asked what happened, never. They must have seen something. Even when I tried to kill myself the father only got angry but never asked why I did it. Why did nobody help me? He just believed my little story and went on. Why didn't he ask me what happened during the one year I was gone? Why? I wanted to tell him I trusted him that much…but I just didn't know how and he never asked. I only wanted to be a kid again."
"And then Leslie…she was perfect. She filled that void and accepted me. I could be free around her. She could even touch me when I was asleep without me freaking out. But she left too, without a single word, and all I wanted to do was end it all but even that I couldn't. By then the father had installed enough religion in me that suicide just wasn't an option. So I joined the army and I kept that death wish throughout officer training until I came to Nam. I pissed off a number of CO's and about half the army but even Charlie did not want to waste bullets on me."
"Until I was assigned to you guys, I had found people that cared, or so I thought. The camp, our county turning on us, being in prison, being on the run…it was all okay because I had the team. But now I'm not too sure anymore. And what happens when we get pardoned? I'll be alone again. I always wanted a family and kids but I finally have to admit I'll never have it. Leslie, she doesn't want me but she also won't set me free."
He gave a nervous chuckle, "and you know what? Even without that it would never have happened. Thanks to uncle I'm a control freak. I need to be in total control in the bedroom. I freak if someone touches me unexpected and it scares the women away."
"And now all this. My hand hurts…my head hurts… my leg hurts… my whole body hurts. It's just unfair. Why me? What did I do? I'm so tired of hurting, Murdock, I'm so tired of the darn pain."
Face continued to cry into Murdock's shoulder after he had vented all the pressure from his mind. It felt so good to just let go, to talk to someone.
Murdock begun to wonder if somebody can get dehydrated from crying but a short while later Face pulled back, trying unsuccessfully to stop the flow of tears.
"I'm sorry Murdock, I talk to much when I'm sick."
"Don't be sorry, Face, it was about time you let it all out. Are you sure you don't want to tell me anything else?"
"No, I already said too much, should never…"
"Face, will you stop it! I'm your best friend and you are hiding yourself from me. All this had to come out sometime and you should have told me years ago."
"Yeah, would have driven you away years ago instead of now."
"When will you ever get it through your thick scull? I. Am. Not. Leaving. You. Not. Ever. No matter what you reveal about yourself. You can push all you want, I won't go."
There was silence for a while until Face finally had his tears under control. "Murdock? Thanks."
"No problem buddy. Feel better now?"
"Much better."
"That's good. Now I order bed rest and frequent sessions on the couch with your shrink Dr. HM Murdock for you. You were headed straight for a nervous breakdown and I would really like to avoid that. I like my Faceman functioning and not in pieces."
"I can't stay in bed and go on a couch at the same time. Your order can't be exercised, doc. Besides I'll not have a nervous breakdown, you're the nut on the team."
"Oh sure, you just screamed your throat raw to train your voice, right? You showed all the warning signs over the last week but coupled with your general condition and injuries it was hard to determine."
"Since when are you a doctor?"
"I'm the nut, remember? I know when someone is about to join me. You showed all the signs. For example: extreme tiredness, weakness, feelings of worthlessness, loss of self-esteem and confidence, disturbed sleeping and eating habits, breathing problems and migraine headaches."
"It's just because I'm sick."
"Oh come off it, I know what I'm talking about. The only symptom that was missing was a disrupted menstrual cycle and I'm sure you would have experienced that soon."
That got Face to smile weakly. "See, I knew there were some Faceman smiles left in you.
"Murdock" Face slurred.
"Yeah buddy?"
"Thanks."
"Anytime buddy, anytime."
"Tired."
"Just close your eyes, I'll be here."
While Maggie and Mark had moved away to really provide some privacy for Face, Hannibal and BA had stayed by the door and had been afraid to disturb Murdock's plan if they made the smallest sound. They had heard every word.
Hannibal motioned B.A. to follow him away from the door. "I think it's better if we act as if we didn't hear anything."
B.A. nodded. "I wish I didn't."
It was Hannibal's turn to nod; there wasn't much else either one of them could say. Face had experienced horrors in his lifetime that none of them could even pretend to understand.
His heart ached for his young lieutenant, friend and surrogate son. But if he was truly honest with himself, part of that heartache was caused by the fact that Face chose to open up to Murdock instead of him.
Murdock watched Face sleeping for hours, wondering how it was possible for him not to have cracked much sooner. He had seen his share of breakdowns over the course of his decade long VA stay, and none of them had a story that could rival Face's. He stayed lost in thought until a groan from the bed shook him out of his thoughts.
"Mur...Murdock?"
"I'm right here, Face. You okay?"
"Hot...feel hot," he whispered, his throat still feeling the after effects of his earlier screaming.
Murdock placed a hand on Face's forehead. He reached to get a towel to wipe some sweat off of his brow and noticed that his injured hand had about doubled in size. 'How didn't I see that before?' he cursed himself. Not wanting to alarm Face, he said, "You're running a fever, I think we better have Maggie and Mark take a look?"
"Okay, you're the doctor," Face tried to smile, but failed miserably. He felt too sick and weak to pull off much more than a slightly upturned upper lip.
"I'll be back before you can say ," Murdock said on his way out.
"Can't...say...that...anyway," Face stuttered.
Face wasn't able to say much of anything while Mark studies his swollen hand. Every touch sent shooting pain up his arm which seemed to travel straight to his throbbing head.
"I knew we weren't operating in the most sterile of conditions, but I was hoping this wouldn't happen."
"What?" Murdock asked.
"Infection. And since he isn't currently on very strong antibiotics, his weak immune system isn't able to fight it."
Maggie was aware of what was to come, but she asked anyway. "What's the plan, Mark?"
"The good news is..."
Face interrupted him and quipped faintly, "You mean there is some?"
"Yes," Mark smiled. "The wire seems to be holding in place quite well and the bones are in proper position."
"The bad?"
"The bad is that the infection seems too severe to wait and try to counter with medication."
Face didn't want to hear anymore...it was better he didn't know what was to come. "Just do...what you...have to do."
While the two doctor's set up, Face asked Murdock, "Where are Hannibal and B.A.?"
"I told them you asked to be alone and they wanted to follow your wishes."
"Can you...get...Hannibal?" The pain was making it hard to speak.
Hannibal was by Face's side in a matter of seconds. He wasted no time in apologizing for his earlier behavior. "I'm so sorry, kid. It was just that the thought of you being gone and me being responsible was too much."
"S'okay," Face gasped. "Can...you...stay...with...me?"
"You couldn't get me to leave now if you tried." Hannibal's heart swelled that Face wanted him to comfort him during the procedure to come.
Once everything was in place, Mark began handing out the orders. He had Murdock and B.A. by the foot of the bed to hold Face's legs steady and to prevent him from kicking out. Hannibal was holding Face's good hand and trying to keep him calm. And Maggie would be assisting Mark in caring for the infection.
"Okay, Face, here we go." Mark needed to remove the stitches in order to get inside the incision to disinfect the wound. The easiest way would be to use a small scalpel and to cut through them slowly and carefully.
Face felt the scalpel resting against his skin before Mark made the first cut. He squeezed Hannibal's hand as he felt the stab followed by an agonizingly slow searing pain across his finger. His body jerked and his head tossed from side to side as he grunted and groaned in agony.
After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably only a couple of minutes, Mark looked up and without words communicated to Hannibal to get ready to hold on tight.
Mark held Face's hand steady as Maggie slowly began to pour the solution into the open wound.
Maggie started to cry and the others all teared up as they witnessed the patient's reaction.
Face let out a blood curdling scream followed by a stream of whimpers as the liquid assaulted his exposed nerve endings. Hannibal brought his head close to Face's and stroked his hair with his free hand while whispering soothing words into his ear. Face brought his head a little closer so their cheeks touched. Then, to everyone's relief, he passed out.
Mark finished cleaning out the wound and placed a drain before stitching it back up. "Maggie, I need you to check his file. Check if we have a strong antibiotic that has not been in his system before."
"No problem. I made a list of all meds we know of… complete with dates dosages and reactions. That list is a folder full on its own. I can't carry his file with me; it's way too big and still growing."
"His system is too out of whack from all the things we gave him so far. I want something strong so we don't need to keep him on it for more than three days."
Hannibal sighed. "He'll be sick as a dog, again."
"I'm afraid there's no way around it. I'll set up a new IV port while he's out of it, both for the antibiotics and to feed him."
The two doctors decided on a drug and BA was sent to get it.
"It's so unfair. Anytime he starts to get better more crap happens. He sure as hell doesn't deserve all the pain." Murdock felt helpless and frustrated.
Hannibal looked at Face and then at Mark and Maggie, "Why is he getting all these infections? And what does it mean for his healing?"
"He's very weak right now and the previous medication coupled with the poison have left his immune system down. It's easy for him to pick up an infection right now. As for his healing, it's a definite setback. We'll keep him on a high dosage of a heavy stuff for the next three days. My hope is that he'll be out of it as often as possible to get some rest. As long as his hand is infected and swollen I can't put it in a cast and it's not completely immobilized as it is. There's a risk of him moving his fingers and disturbing the two bones that are not wired. His leg will also not heal much because his body is busy fighting somewhere else. We cannot even think of any physical training. As it is I'm happy the draining of the foot by needle did the trick and I didn't need to cut him again. You have to be aware that he's very sick and weak and will be for quite some time."
When BA returned Maggie straight away connected the antibiotics to the IV and then turned to the others. "Alright guys, there's nothing more for the moment that Mark or I could do. We'll leave the room and only occasionally check on him, unless you yell for us. What went on earlier tells me that what he needs right now is you and not a bunch of doctors he doesn't feel free around. You three stay here with him and concentrate on getting him well without too much hovering if you can do that. Try to read his wishes as you know he'll hardly tell you. John, no more running out of this room or upsetting him, keep your emotions in check. You're his hero, he looks up to you. BA, although I would say you had all reason, " she said that part with a stern look at Hannibal," no more slugging of superior officers, at least not in front of him. And try not to kill Murdock or Billy or Chuck. Murdock, you are in charge of his sanity. Any questions?"
