The following three chapters have been heavily influenced by the new Imagine Dragons cd "Smoke and Mirrors". Usually I don't mention songs or albums that have gotten me through chapters but this album has helped me through some severe writers block and perfectly describes the transition that Will and Emma are taking and I want to share that with ya'll. (and hey, if you want I could compile a playlist of songs that had never failed to provide writing inspiration)
All the things that you had lost will find their way to you
Looking back into the past and I can see it through
It comes back to you
After dropping Emma off at the airport Will took Connor to a Pre-K family day. As soon as they walked in the door Connor bolted for one of his friends. Will followed his son slowly, nodding hellos to other parents, signing in and getting a name tag.
"Connor, introduce me to your friend."
"This is Annabelle. Remember? I told you about her."
"I remember. Hi Annabelle. What are you making?" Will sat down next to Connor in the impossibility tiny chairs only children and small adults can sit comfortably in. They were playing with play-doh. Will took some and looked for a cool mold.
"I'm making a cake. For Connor." Annabelle answered Will's question, Connor smiled as he made a plate.
A woman, presumably Annabelle's mom sat next to her and said, "Why don't you make a dress instead sweetheart?"
Will introduced himself to the gorgeous woman across the small table. "I'm Will. Connor's dad." Will tousled his son's hair and pulled him close. "I've heard a lot about Annabelle. It seems our children are quite infatuated with each other."
"It's fate." Gina smiled and winked at Will. He politely smiled back.
"How long have you been divorced?" Gina asked as they stood against a counter drinking coffee and watching their children.
"I'm sorry?"
"Are you divorced from Connor's mom?"
"No, no, she's dead." Will said nonchalantly with a loud swallow as he took a drink of coffee. He never really said the words outloud.
"Oh gosh, I'm sorry. I think I'm looking through rose colored glasses, so to speak. Ever since my divorce I think all single parents are divorced.."
Will knew that tone, she was embarrassed. He heard that tone plenty of times from Emma. "It's okay. Connor's mom and I didn't really have a relationship. He was unplanned." They were silent, caught up in thoughts. "I feel sorry for your ex-husband."
"Why?" Gina smiled to herself. Will was the perfect rebound man. She wondered if she could do that to someone as nice as Will. She had a tendency to throw herself into relationships, that's why she was divorced.
"Cause you seem like a catch."
She blushed at her almost empty coffee cup. "So do you. Mister.."
"Schuester. Miss.."
"Abraham. Lame, right?"
"No, I like it. It's common and uncommon at the same time." Will smiled at Gina.
Connor ran up to him, Annabelle in tow. "Daddy! Can we go to the park?"
"Sure buddy. Will Annabelle be joining us?" They all looked at Gina. "Connor, activate puppy face!" Connor contorted his face to the cutest begging puppy face he could muster. Gina rolled her eyes and gave Will a look, but couldn't deny Connor's face, or his hand holding her daughters.
"Okay, okay." They all cheered. "You practiced that?" She asked Will.
"Absolutely. It comes in handy." Will high fived his son.
"So you're a nerd." Gina teased Will.
"We prefer the term perfectionist, or geek chic." Connor said and high fived his dad.
"Oh my God." Gina laughed, wondering what she got herself into.
Connor and Annabelle chased each other around the park. They ran up and down slides, had their parents push them on swings together and pretended to be on a boat. Finally Will and Gina slipped away to sit down. "It seems like our kids sure are infatuated with each other." Will said.
"Please," Gina laughed. "They have no idea what they're feeling."
"You're probably right. When I was his age all I cared about was mud and gummy worms." Will watched closely, glad he had perfect vision. Gina pulled out a tablet and started reading a book. "Aw, fuck," Will said soon after as he quickly got up and ran to Connor. "Buddy, are you okay?" He was wailing as tears streamed down his face. "What happened?" Will examined the scrape on Connor's knee. He must have fell on the concrete surrounding the playground.
"Annabelle pushed me!"
"I didn't mean to hurt him!" Annabelle said loudly as she stood in place not knowing what to do. Will found it amusing how quickly young kids could go from being best friends to not talking and back to best friends so quickly. Gina rushed over.
"Alright Connor, let's go home."
"No dad! I wanna keep playing!"
"That's too bad, Connor. This could get infected in we leave it open like this. We're going home." Will grabbed Connor's hand. "Say goodbye to Annabelle and Ms. Gina."
"Goodbye." Connor said solemnly with his head downcast.
Connor sat on top of the toilet in his father's bathroom. He flinched as Will cleaned his knee. "This is...not pretty. What really happened, buddy?" Will didn't believe that Annabelle could push Connor down.
"She asked me to catch her a squirrel. She's my love, I had to try. Do you think she's gonna break up with me now?" Will unintentionally pressed the cotton ball harder against Connor's skin. He flinched again.
"I'm not sure if she deserves you, buddy." Will put a band aid around his knee.
"What? But..." Connor hopped down from the toilet. "She's gorgeous. Have you seen her eyes? They're like the ocean, dad! I swear I can hear seagulls when I look in them. How could I be out of her league?"
Will laughed and led his son to the kitchen. "No more movies with Sophie, kid."
Will lifted him to sit on the kitchen counter. "I like watching movies with Soph. How are we supposed to bond? Plus, girls are impressed with me!" Connor's voice was a higher volume due to excitement, but he lowered it for what he said next. "It's like I'm in their world." Connor looked around to make sure no one was listening. "Maybe I can teach you something."
Will raised his eyebrow and took Connor by his waist and placed him over his shoulder. He held his legs as he ran around the house. "What did you say?" Will teased him. "You think I need help with girls? Hun?" Will put Connor down on the couch and started tickling him mercilessly.
X
I'm sorry to interrupt
it's just I'm constantly on the cusp-
of try-ing to kiss you
It was Sophie's sixteenth birthday but none of her "friends" knew. Her head was spinning but she was standing still under the beautiful winter night sky. She walked out of her "friend" Claire's house into the cold air to catch her breath. Three other girls were at the house for a weekend long sleepover while Claire's parents were out of town. Claire had her older boyfriend (he was a senior and they were a mix of freshman and sophomores. Sophie didn't think it would last, mostly because she knew senior boys only wanted one thing: sex.) break into her parents liquor cabinet but when they found there was nothing good in it he had some friends buy them tequila and vodka along with soda, sour candy and jell-o.
The first thing the girls made were jell-o shots because it took so long to set. Sophie knew she was past her limit three candy filled shots ago, but she was an impressionable teenager and still wanted to be "cool". Now she was going to throw up again. Running outside didn't help her condition and in fact made it worse but she was finally able to take a breath. The cold air against her cheeks was the only reason she didn't throw up going down the stairs. She was smart enough to know when to go home and quickly grabbed her jacket and purse. She left her sleeping bag and ziploc of toiletries in the house to avoid being ridiculed into doing more shots which would leave her passed out on the living room floor for Claire's parents to find a hungover sixteen-year old sleeping on their antique rug possibly next to a pile of puke. She was determined but lost. She knew she was in upper Manhattan but not which side. How would she find a cab? What time was it? Where was she?
Sophie sat on the stairs to Bri's townhouse until her vision was clearer and she could see yellow cars pass by. Three cabs passed before one stopped. She told the cabbie her address and rested her head against the cool window. Watching the night go by she began to worry. She started remembering all the reports she saw on the news of how many girls her age get abducted this way, and how many of the abductors were creepy people like cab drivers. She tried to be logical and tell herself she was a strong young woman and even though intoxicated, she could still fight back. She was on the track team for God's sake. If running away wasn't her specialty then, well. She couldn't finish that thought as her mind was already preoccupied remembering how she used the idea of being chased to help her run in track meets. She was so caught up in her thoughts she didn't know how much time passed by and the cabbie almost honked the horn to get her attention. "Mam'm. We're here"
"Oh, thank you. How much is it?" Maybe the cabbie could see the fear in her eyes, smell the booze on her breath, or was just too tired to bother taking money from a teenager but he waved the fee. "Bless you" She said and hurriedly fumbled out of the cab thinking maybe not all cabbies are bad.
Now was the hard part. Getting to her room without anyone seeing her.
Will was always a night owl, but sometimes he went to sleep pretty early (or at least early for him and what a sixteen year old thought was early) but he was too erratic to guess. Getting into the apartment building was easy, she took the elevator to avoid throwing up on the three story climb-up. She only snuck in a few times and wasn't a pro at unlocking the door quietly, but didn't care at this particular moment. She shut the door quietly but couldn't tell you if she locked the door again. She made her way up the stairs with enough time to fully curse her brother for buying two apartments and adding stairs rather than an elevator. He has enough damn money for an elevator, shit. She wasn't wrong, but if he did buy an elevator, he wouldn't have any money left which would especially be a problem for Sophie.
Sophie landed face first on her bed with a hard plop. She rested there for a minute that felt like thirty before she realized she had to brush her teeth not to mention use the ladies room, which in this house wasn't just for ladies but it should be Sophie thought with resentment at the nephew that left kids toothpaste in every damn place.
She suddenly realized it was starting to feel like a physical impossibility to get up or even flip over. The logical side of her mind told her this was not a physical aliment but a mental one. However, her drunken mind was in control now and it was telling her to never move again. Still, her logical mind told her she had to get rid of the booze smell on her breath and the even worse smell that would manifest itself over night. Gritting her teeth and finding all the willpower she could with her logical mind she lifted herself up with her lead filled arms, which soon gave out and sent her tumbling to the bed but gave her enough time to flip over so she was face up. Again she needed to collect her strength to get off the bed and soon found herself falling toward the carpet. Fuck. She thought. This would funny if someone else was with me. She suddenly felt an intense loneliness which passed as soon as it came. So this is what being drunk is like. It's great. Sophie was glad she could still be sarcastic as she laughed aloud to herself. While her brain was distracted she was able to get up easily and hang on to the door frame.
"Hey Sophie," Will was carrying his laptop on his arm as if he was a waiter and the laptop was a plate.
"Will, I" Sophie quickly tried to stand up and seem sober. She tried to cover her mouth but thought that was too obvious and decided to look down instead.
"When did you get home?" Will smiled and looked directly at her, unaware of her current state which was a blessing to Sophie but one she wouldn't know since she refused to look up.
"Oh, just a little bit ago. I didn't want to wake you..or Connor so I kinda snuck in." Sophie took her time speaking, knowing her voice was slurred and loud.
"Why did you come home early?"
"Um," Sophie panicked to think of something that wouldn't alarm Will but would make him leave her alone. "I got my woman times. So, excuse me"
"Oh, sure thing Soph. See you tomorrow." Will went into his room with Sophie still questioning if he could tell or not. He wasn't stupid, but could you tell from that small conversation? Sophie didn't know how increased Will's senses of intoxication were since she didn't really grow up with their father. Thinking of this lead to Will's discovery that the day his parents died was only a few days away, and the thought that he never properly mourned them. He didn't do anything special on the anniversary or even think of them since he met Emma and had to provide for himself and shield his sister.
He started wondering if he was doing a good job taking care of his sister. If she was coming home drunk what else could she have done? Will remembered what it was like being Sophie's age. He was high a lot, maybe alcohol was just the drug of her generation's teenage years. The fact that she came home was a good sign; she knows when to stop. Will thought about having a talk with her about the dangers of drinking, especially underage drinking but she was probably hearing enough of those lectures at school. Plus, she's not an idiot, she has a good head on her shoulders and wouldn't do anything stupid like he did. He often tried to distance himself from his sister since she came back under his care, trying not to act like her father. How does one show dominance and authority while still being a sibling? This was so much easier when she was young and would listen to anything he said just because he was her older brother. Something was disrupted when he sent her to their brother's house. Did she not respect him for shoving her onto another sibling like that? Was she just a teenager and it would be awkward anyway? He played out the situation if he continued to be her legal guardian during college and didn't have Connor, where would they be now? He saw them joking and talking like before. Maybe that was the problem. Sophie felt like a third wheel to her young nephew who needs so much attention. Seeing Will as a father but still thinking of him as a brother (as she should) was disrupting their arrangement to the point of isolation. Will needed to learn how to be a brother and a father at the same time. Just as he was closing on one epiphany another came at full speed. Will and Emma couldn't come to an agreement on their relationship because of all this going on in Will's head even though he knew nothing of the sort until he started thinking about it.
Emma was a crutch. A pretty crutch, but a crutch nonetheless. She reminded him of easier times when he only had to worry about himself and Sophie who would do anything he said and wasn't in any immediate danger. Their recent haphazardly made out sessions were the product of Will's attempt to recreate the time when everything was easy, when that was impossible. He could never go back to the past and needed to stop trying. He needed to consider Emma's emotions the next time he wanted to relive the 'golden years' and use her to do it. She was probably going through her own stuff right now too and he hadn't bothered to ask about that. He didn't bother to consider that she was probably experiencing her own range of emotions and confused thoughts seeing him again. He was more mature now and the wounds were not visible anymore which allowed him to see he wasn't the only one who was left heartbroken and in a place they didn't want to be. He was focused only on himself which made sense to him when he thought about all the time and effort he put into forgetting Emma and everything he loved about her (which is everything). He never thought about her side of the story, mostly because he realized early on he wasn't going to understand why they left each other she left him unless he could actually talk to her about it.
Will hadn't heard this thought in years and suddenly realized he could talk Emma now. And so what if she didn't want to? Maybe this was the only thing keeping them apart. Maybe they had to get all the baggage out before they could truly be a couple. Because what happy couple would be constantly thinking about the past? None.
Will was typing all of these thoughts, this deep conversation with himself, this exploration of what he wants, feels and experiences, on an email to Emma he never planned to send but rather, what he wished he could say to her. It was a diary of sorts- allowing him to explain and therefore understand the things he was thinking or feeling- like why he missed her so much.
So, he typed, I guess what I'm saying is I love you, and I always have loved you, and I will always love you. And though you'll never read this, I know you'll know that I love you. I can't wait until you come back and we can talk face to face. I hope it all works out between us. Even if we don't end up together I hope we're still friends and find someone we're happy with (which, personally, if we're not together I don't think we will be truly happy. We'll keep running around looking for something that isn't there. You'll marry an investment banker but dream about sleeping with your tennis or yoga instructor but not being able to cheat because of your moral compass even though you know your workaholic husband is fucking his secretary right there in the office not even bothering to cover it up, and I'll sleep around with models and/or bartenders and/or/most definitely my coworkers until I get fired and/or become a drunk [again]. Maybe you'll see me on the news ramming my car through a 7/11 and think 'Will, what happened to you?' and the answer will be: I lost you; and you're never coming back.)
