Chapter 29: Kagome's Feelings
The helplessness was bound to drive her mad. While her eyes scanned everywhere, it seemed she had been blinded. There was nothing but empty darkness. Her skin didn't feel any air, nor did her feet feel the ground. No breath entered her lungs. As she tried to scream, she suddenly realized she had forgotten how to. The only thing left to her was her hearing, and the loud thump of her rapid heartbeat and the erratic exhales made her sick. From the sounds alone, her body began to slightly convulse. She didn't want to feel her body this way. It was so unnatural. She wanted to clutch her heart, find someway to calm it, but her limbs only shook. And so with only the nauseating processes of her body to accompany her, she lay like a writhing corpse, not an ounce of control over her mind. And from her mind, his face lingered over her, smirking as though he had won himself a kingdom. And as lightning flashed all around her, the evil stare was replaced with a distraught pair of eyes, capturing her attention and making her chest ache. The fear she felt was mirrored in his gaze, and she fell away from it all as his scream echoed, "Kagome!"
Her eyes opened. The light that penetrated her room through the window at her right she suddenly welcomed. How often she had hated the light for waking her. After that dream, she only wanted to embrace the light, the warmth. The loudness of her heartbeat was still there and very real, and she still felt slightly ill from feeling it so acutely.
She started, and then calmed a moment later. The hanyou Inuyasha was sleeping beside her. He had fallen asleep on her bed accidentally the other day, and didn't wake up afterwards. Refusing to be anywhere else but in her comfortable and well-missed bed, she had climbed over him and settled beside him. Unlucky for her, the hanyou also moved a lot. By morning, he had spread himself out over most of the bed, leaving her crushed against the wall. Kagome let out a puff of air, blowing up the hair dangling in front of her face. A little annoyed that he had pretty much claimed her bed all for himself, she shuffled her way over him without causing him to stir.
But her eyes softened as she looked back at him. The only times she ever had a chance to watch him sleep was in her own time. It had taken so long for her to see it the first time. Perhaps he knew that he could relax more here. There weren't any youkai to chase down, and he didn't have to worry about anything attacking him. She loved that he felt so at peace here, so much she would forgive him for taking up so much space on her bed.
The window beckoned her to come closer. As she stepped into the sunlight, she finally felt the panicky feeling disintegrating. The hot sun lapped at her skin gently. Only during the winter would something like this feel so welcome. She gazed out the window. The backyard she grew up in was there just like she remembered. A soft smile fell over her as she recalled her childhood, all leading up to that day she fell down the well.
'I'm really back home. It's been a little over two weeks… but I still can't grasp that I'm really here.'
She glanced once more at the hanyou, 'He really has done so much for me. I wouldn't have loved him any less if he hadn't done this, and he still wanted to do it.' She smiled, 'Even if he belittles himself so much inside, it amazes me so much that I'm the one he really wants… Now that I think about it, I don't think there's a thing I can do to repay him for what he's done for me. Course… from his perspective, I suppose a whole lot of ramen would make us even.'
When they had come back, her family had celebrated with oden for Kagome and ramen for Inuyasha. The childlike joy on his face when he ate it was enough to draw giggles from her. And she had a feeling that even Inuyasha couldn't help but be relieved to see her family again. They had welcomed him back with just as much love as they did Kagome. Kagome had been on the brink of sobs as she watched her mother embrace Inuyasha once again and tell him that Kagome wasn't the only one that was missed around here. They wanted him too. They really did. Though he had already stolen her heart, the fact that he had in essence become a member of the family made the bond between them all the more powerful.
She reached for the hairbrush on her nightstand, but stopped as she felt a small strain in her forearm. For the first time, she became aware of the cast she had been sporting since she got home. Her mother had taken her to the hospital. Luckily, it wasn't broken, only slightly fractured. By the end of this week, she would be able to take it off. But Kagome's thoughts weren't so positive as she saw the evidence of her injury. The first thing she recalled was the pain she felt both in her arm and in her heart as the man she thought had been Inuyasha slashed into her. The second was that dream, ending with Inuyasha's heartbroken face.
As she went on brushing her hair, the happy thoughts of being home with her family vanished. 'Inuyasha told me his name. What was it? Kokuei?'
She recalled the dream, 'I've had the same dream for so many nights now. But this one was a little different… the real Inuyasha wasn't there before.'
The heartbroken look on his face was etched into the forefront of her thoughts. Perhaps she deserved the retribution, but the weakest part of her wanted to fall to her knees and beg for mercy. She could never consider herself a coward, but if there was a way for her to escape these thoughts, her own mind… well, she doubted she would hesitate. No matter how big a heart she had, she would have run and left all else for dead.
Even if it was in her mind, she wanted to scream at him not to look at her. His big, quivering eyes practically condemned her for his murder, and she didn't even draw a drop of blood.
'We were lucky to get out alive, and relatively unharmed. No one has died, no permanent damage done… So why can't I let these feelings go?'
It didn't matter that she was meant to be fooled. It didn't matter that Kokuei looked exactly like Inuyasha. For some incomprehensible reason, no excuse no matter how valid felt good enough. She felt as if she had betrayed him. After she had met him, how many times did she relive the tragedy of Kikyo and Inuyasha in her thoughts? How many times had she seen the pure hatred on Inuyasha's face at the mention of Naraku's name? How many times had she wanted to shake some sense into Inuyasha, tell him that Kikyo's death was not his fault, that it was all Naraku, that Naraku tricked her by making himself look exactly like the hanyou she loved? If Naraku could do such a thing, who was Kagome to say that no one else could? Weren't there other jealous men out there just as capable of selling their souls for such power? And yet, only if Naraku was still alive would she have instantly known that it was all a trick.
She couldn't help but hate herself, despite being completely innocent. Hell, she wanted to tell herself that it wasn't her fault at all, but the mere thought of it made her feel like she wasn't taking responsibility for anything. She had to be at least partially responsible for the fact that everyone had turned on each other, and that their lives had been in danger. It was for her sake, no matter how rash it was, that Inuyasha ran away to track down the jewel shards. Because she had been fooled by this imposter, she had lost faith in the one she loves. Because they feared for her safety, her friends were forced to fight him, despite the powerful friendships connecting them all. She had nearly died at Kokuei's hands, and would have a second later had not Inuyasha come and rescued her yet again. Whether innocent or not, she was the center, the eye of all these bad happenings.
She loved Inuyasha more than anything or anyone. She thought that she had trusted him too, with everything in her. But that awful encounter had proven her wrong. She believed he had been using her, that his feelings for her were all a lie. She thought he had meant to kill her. The happy relief of being reunited with him was bitterly replaced by the feeling that she shouldn't be with him, that she didn't deserve it.
Inuyasha's eyes fluttered open. The first thing he felt was the softness of the bed, then the scent of Kagome's room, then the warmth of sunlight that heated the place. After many many hours of sleep, his mind was groggy. In this past week, he had slept more hours than ever before in his life. With the hustle and bustle of the others, his presence went more or less unnoticed. Even Kagome, to his annoyance, would leave as he slept to go see her long-missed friends. He was always a little ticked off to wake up without her nearby, but she always came back shortly, safe and sound.
Speaking of which, he next registered that Kagome was not lying next to him, though he knew he felt her with him the night before. The annoyance set in quickly, but as his senses finally adjusted, he felt her closeness. He flopped his head over and caught sight of her staring out the window. Her face was hidden from his view, but as she ran the brush through her midnight strands, he became absolved in the little patches of reflecting light. Her hair flowed like water, and danced in the sunbeams like little waves out at sea.
He smiled a little. He didn't know if it was out of pride or if it was just the comfort of being close to her, but his life suddenly felt so wonderful. He hadn't known that there had been so much love in his heart, so much to give. Kagome was the only one he felt like showering with his love, and somehow, the love he gave her never ran dry. Somehow, everyday, his heart created more things to love about her. Just when he thought there were enough reasons, there was that way she scratched her head, or the way she put on her shoes, or how she bit the inside of her cheek when she was thinking.
But what he especially loved was how she turned to him when he called to her. Yearning to experience it again, he gave the word, "Kagome?"
She did turn, her beautiful hair flowing back to reveal her face. But Inuyasha felt something inside him screech to a halt. For a fleeting moment, not even a second, her eyes were distant, lonely, burdened. By the time her face had focused on his, she wouldn't have known that he had been smiling a little before. Now, his look was blank. And no matter how beautiful she looked as she smiled his way, his mind was stuck in what he had seen.
"Hi there," she said, "I was wondering when you would finally wake up."
He didn't answer nor move. She didn't notice. "I really should be angry with you, you know. You practically took up the whole bed. Just be thankful that it didn't wake me up during the night, or I really would have been angry."
The Kagome spark was back. He blinked once, pushing himself back into the real world. She was probably expected a response. "Keh! There was nothing stopping you from kicking me off of it."
"Oh, like you really would have been okay with that."
"Never stopped you before."
"Yeah yeah," she rolled her eyes, "So were you planning to just sleep all day, or is it too much for me to hope that I can still leave the house without you trying to stop me?"
He rested against the pillow as Kagome started putting things into her purse, wondering momentarily if that look before was due to how irritable he was when she left without him. "Not like you'll let me follow you."
"You know it has nothing to do with that. It's easy for me to just give you a hat and take away your sword when someone comes to the shrine or when we're out for a brief moment. But it's a whole different story when confronted with multiple people focusing in on your hair and clothes all day long. We can't risk that."
"So you say…" he said softly.
"Don't worry, Inuyasha. It's not like I'm keeping you prisoner. I just want to be careful. You know how much I worry."
'And I worry… about you.'
"Hey. What's up?" He asked as he sat up.
She turned towards him again. For a moment, there was a hint of something uncomfortable, maybe even a bit of fear, but she smiled sweetly and looked at him curiously, "Nothing. Why do you ask?"
"… Nothing."
If Kagome wasn't enough to confuse him this morning, he felt estranged even by himself. Any other day, he would have pressured her for answers until she caved. He didn't know why he kept silent. Something about those eyes… the greater part of him wanted just to take her into his arms and tell her he would fix whatever it was. However, all those other times she had been upset, it didn't just disappear, not like this. Perhaps it was all in his imagination.
She pulled a few clothes off her desk and grabbed her purse. "I'll be back in a while. Don't worry. I won't be gone long this time."
As she took a step towards the door, Inuyasha followed his instinct. His hand shot out and grabbed hold of hers. She looked back at him a little confused. He pulled her back onto the bed, she landed on her knees, and he reached up to give her an innocent, but full kiss. It was short, too short. When they parted and opened their eyes, their cheeks blushed with embarrassment, probably became it was so spontaneous. As she shifted her eyes away from his and glanced down towards his shoulder, he kept watching her, hoping that he would be satisfied that everything was alright. But all it did was heighten his fears. Once again, the far-off look was cast over her. It hadn't been in his head! Only this time, he felt like it was something he knew very well. He had never seen her look like that before. Where had he seen it before?
Her smile lit up, but the sadness in her face did not disperse. Still, she thanked him, kissed him again for goodbye, and left him there. He stared after her as she shut the door. It only took about ten seconds for him to suddenly jump up and chase after her. When he saw her, she was just walking out the door.
"Kagome?"
She turned, that special way. The way he remembered. Sunlight fell around her and illuminated her outline. She was so beautiful. He gulped.
"Inuyasha?"
"… Is everything okay? You seem… stressed or something."
"… I'm fine… I've just been running around doing a lot of things this week. I guess I am a little stressed."
He was silent. He looked over her, as though trying to decipher whether or not she was telling the truth. When he gave a satisfied nod, her insides relaxed.
She started backing away slowly, trying to look casual. Actually, she looked like one of those fidgety boys from a movie after they had gotten their first kiss, all nervous and a little shaken, "I'll be back soon… I promise…"
Again, he nodded.
When she disappeared down the shrine steps, he sighed, 'Something doesn't feel right.'
To be continued…
Aaaaah… No me gusta… No me gusta… English no speaking… How me got out chapter whole with the English?... Always Spanish… Never English… only here… Is my grammar failing yet?
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