A/N: I was just sitting here, typing up the next few chapters of Fractured Glass when this strange thought just popped into my head. Remember that scene from 'The Darkness Beneath' where Jack tackles the shadow creature off a cliff? Well, I thought, "What if the Doctor..." Well, if you read the story, you'll understand what I was thinking about. Just a collection of outtakes from the Darkness Beneath. I particularly like the last one. Hooray for the eleventh Doctor! Oh, and the bit about John Cleese is in one of The Doctor Who comics I've read... The Darkness Beneath: Outtakes
Jack rubbed blearily at his eyes. Why the hell were two skinny legs sticking out of the TARDIS console? And what was that terrible keening noise coming from their direction? "Doctor?" Jack queried, staring at the legs. "Is that you?"
"Jack!" came the muffled reply, followed by a series of loud crashes. A shower of sparks exploded from the scanner, raining biting electricity down on both the Time Lord and immortal Captain. The Doctor's legs squirmed around wildly, before finally falling still.
"Doctor?"
"Ah, Jack," the Time Lord replied sheepishly, obviously still alive down there. "I seem to be slightly stuck. Care to help?
The Doctor had a nice view of Jack's butt. Just his luck, stuck behind the infamous Captain Harkness as they crawled their way along a chimney. Well, at least he didn't have Jack behind him, making various observations on the size and shape of his butt. He wasn't sure whether he'd have been able to resist kicking him in the face. Suddenly, the Captain stopped dead.
"Jack?" the Doctor queried, with a raised eyebrow. "Other people waiting to get through here."
"I know," Jack shot back. "It's just I'm kinda, well … stuck, Doc."
The Doctor smacked his head on the ground, or attempted to at least. His helmet prevented his forehead from making contact. "Oh great, just great."
"Would you oblige?"
The Doctor bit his lip. "Oh, you did this on purpose, didn't you? Just so you could tell all your friends about it later, Captain Jack Harkness." He sighed, and looked at his hands. "I am so gonna regret this…"
Tom heard the voice over his radio. "Sorry about the wait. Oh, and John Smith wants to talk to you."
"Put him on," Tom said. The radio crackled as it passed from Lora to Smith. "Hello, Smith? You there?"
"Tom, listen to me very carefully. The giant evil banana of death is coming, and we need to work together to defeat it. Do you have any ice cream?"
"You what?"
The Doctor chuckled to himself. "Sorry, I couldn't resist. Ah, what I'd give to see the look on your face right now."
Tom just glowered.
With a roar, the creature charged, red eyes flashing angrily. The entire tour group flinched away, the Doctor included. Their fear however, was short lived, as the shadow-like monster managed to smack it's head on a low hanging rock formation. It crumpled to the ground, whimpering in pain.
"You all right?" the Doctor asked.
"Yeah," the creature replied, getting back to it's feet slowly. Another creature stuck it's head in from a side passage.
"Bill, you okay?"
The first creature waved a clawed hand, and moved back to it's original position. "Yeah, fine. Start from the top?"
The Doctor nodded, and brandished his sonic screwdriver. "Duck this time, okay?"
"Oh, what the hell," Jack muttered to himself. "It won't kill me." He roared unintelligibly, and charged at the creature, tackling it backwards … right off a cliff.
"Jack!" screeched the Doctor, running right to the edge of the chasm. He misjudged the distance, and his foot came down on empty air. He started to tumble over, arms windmilling wildly like John Cleese overdosed on caffeine (as Martha had so aptly said), until someone grabbed onto his waist.
"I've got you," Brittany said, but it was too late. The Doctor was already leaning too far out over the edge. Arms still flailing wildly, his weight dragged them both over the edge.
The rest of the tour group rushed to the edge of the crevasse, and watched them tumble down into darkness.
Whatever was making the noise was coming closer – it sounded almost like footsteps. "Oh, Freda," Jack breathed when the lady emerged into the light. "You gave me a fright there."
Freda smiled, but it looked like the expression didn't quite fit her face. "I didn't mean too," she said, as if that was exactly what she meant to do. Jacks' hand unconsciously strayed to his revolver's holster, and he stiffened when he found his gun missing.
Freda drew her hand out of her pocket. She was aiming right at Jack's face.
Jack, however, just laughed at her. "Looks like the Doctor's pulled the old 'swap Jack's gun for a banana' trick," he chuckled, nodding at the green banana in her hands. "Sorry mate."
Freda growled, and attacked Jack with the banana. The last thought that went through his mind as he crumpled to the floor was that unripe bananas made awfully good clubs.
"Oh, but it makes all the difference. It makes all the difference in the world because, you see, over the years I have gotten very good at staying alive." After the Doctor had finished saying that, he spun on his heels and sprinted for cover. A single gunshot rang out, and he stumbled and fell, looking at the blood blossoming over the front of his suit.
"You idiot!" he shouted at Freda. "You weren't meant to hit me! You were supposed to miss, so I could escape and defeat you!"
Freda's face paled. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, dropping the gun. "I told you I was a really bad shot. I'm really sorry. Oh my god, what have I done?" The Doctor was too busy writhing around on the floor in pain to answer. Light suddenly bathed his features, and a golden glow exploded from all his limbs. The humans looked on in disbelief as his face shifted, his hair lengthened, his frame shrunk in stature and his clothes loosened over his shoulders. The light cut out, and the newly regenerated Doctor sat up, shock on his face.
He fingered his hair, a frown on his new face. "Oh dear Rassilon no!" he screeched in shock. "I'm a flippin' girl!"
