Red vs Blue Arrancars

Radar Love!

Findor and Nirgge are on top of Red Base looking down at Baraggan as he approaches the upside down Warthog.

Nirgge: Is it just me, or does this jeep seem like really bad luck?

Findor: Yeah. You know, now that you mention it, it does seem like every time we get into the damn thing it breaks, (Charlotte stands next to Findor) or explodes, or goes crazy and tries to kill one of us.

Charlotte: Maybe we should try exchanging it for a few motorcycles. No wait, wait! A big tank like the Blues have. That thing never seems to have any problems at all.

Cut to Skullak next to Loly who is sending off sparks.

Skullak: Alright, that's the deal, Mister Robot. You fix our tank, we'll let you go free.

Di-Roy: (whispering to Rey) I thought the plan was to trick him into fixing the tank and then Skullak will take over his body again when he is done.

Rey: Yeah, but you don't tell the person you're tricking what's going on Di-Roy.

Di-Roy: So, if I'm the one being tricked, then you would not tell me what is really going on?!

Rey: Why would we trick you?

Di-Roy: Oh, I think you know.

Dordoni: (in Spanish, captioned) Where will I go? Even my friends have tried to kill me.

Skullak: Okay, I'm gonna take that as a yes and let you get busy with the tank fixing.

Dordoni: (in Spanish, captioned) I have no home.

Cut to the Reds gathered around the Warthog.Pan up to Nirgge on top of it looking through a sniper rifle.

Nirgge: Aw crap. Hey, uh, they got a guy fixing their tank.

Baraggan: Impossible! Our Intelligence clearly states-

Charlotte: We have intelligence?

Baraggan: -that the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training are that dead Freelancer and Dordoni. Oh wait a minute!

Findor: Sarge, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Dordoni runs away, the jeep starts driving itself, and suddenly there's a new guy on the Blue Team?

Baraggan: Yes, Findor, I am. Quite obviously, the Blue Team has constructed some kind of diabolical mind control ray beam, that they used on Dordoni and now he has to do their evil Blue bidding!

Nirgge: (hops off the Warthog) Or, since he's a robot, maybe they just reprogrammed him.

Charlotte: Or maybe that Blue guy who got killed by the tank came back as a ghost, and now he's possessingDordoni's body. That could also explain why Sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner. The Blue ghost probably possessed him too. And the jeep going nuts was probably just a weird set of coincidences while the guy learned how to use Dordoni''s body.

Nirgge, Findor, and Baraggan: ...

Findor: I think I like the ray beam idea better.

Nirgge: Yeah-heh, rookie, your idea sounds a little dumb.

Cut to the Blues watching Dordoni fix Loly. Di-Roy is hopping up and down.

Di-Roy: Hurry hurry hurry, fix the tank! (stops hopping) So that I can say hello to Loly.

O'Malley: (closeup of Di-Roy's visor) And start killing everyone!

Rey: You mean all the Reds, right?

Di-Roy: (perky) Of course!

O'Malley: For starters...

Skullak: Come on, how much longer, Dordoni?

Dordoni: Completo. (steps off as the tank starts)

Loly: Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.

Di-Roy: Loly! You're fixed! You're fixed!

Loly: Hello, Private Di-Roy. It is good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me.

Rey: He didn't fix you. Our robot did it.

O'Malley: Don't cock block me!

Rey: Dude, come on.

Loly: Robot? I wasn't aware that our squad was outfitted with a robot.

Dorodni and Loly slowly make eye contact, romantic harp music plays.

Di-Roy: I don't like where this is going.

Loly: Hello there. My name is Loly. The M808V Main Battle Tank.

Dordoni: (in Spanish, captioned) And I am Dordoni Alessandro del Socaccio, the Heavy.

Loly: Dordoni, what a nice name for such a nice soldier. You have such excellent motor skills.

Di-Roy: Umm, yes! Well, Dordoni has to go now. He was just here to help me fix you and now he has to go AWAY.

Rey: Dude, this is getting weird. Skullak, will you take your fucking body back?

Skullak: Roger that.

Dordoni: (in Spanish, captioned) No! Heauegerkergerk! (Dorodni's body twitches as Skullak enters it)

Rey: You okay in there, Skullak? Skullak, hey what's going on? Do I need to flip your switch?

Skullak: (reappears) What the-? That wasn't me. What the hell's going on here?

Tex: (possessing Dorodni) Well, buenos dias, cockbites. Guess who's back?