29
Baby Mine
The sleep on the plane was all Spencer had had for the past three days. It wasn't that he didn't want to sleep, he simply couldn't. His mind was ablaze with horrors and memories that just wouldn't give him enough peace so he could rest.
He was never hungry. J.J. almost had to force him to eat. The fact of the matter was he just didn't want it. He'd gone days without food before, he could do it again.
And those thoughts brought on memories of lying in that basement, clutching his abdomen and wishing for just a single crumb to come his way. But no, no he had to work for it. He-
His body's condition was another story. He was on mild pain killers only because he didn't want to be on the heavier ones. He needed to feel something, and if pain was it, then fine. He never winced nor said a word about any injury. He moved stiffly at points, which was to be expected after the whipping he'd received.
"Hotch, he's gotta be in a lotta pain," Morgan said, sadness in his eyes as he looked at him. The supervisor nodded, staring after the young man. "I mean, I don't think any of us could take what he's goin' through right now."
"Then he's a lot stronger than the rest of us would be, isn't he?"
He caught a glimpse of the news when they arrived and that's when he realized. He'd missed two years of news. Two years. He knew nothing about the present day. And going from being the expert on everything to not knowing so much was troubling. He grabbed every magazine he could, reading through all of them in mere minutes. He needed to know, he had to know.
There was some debate amongst the BAU team about who he would be staying with. Of course, when the subject was brought up, Morgan volunteered first.
"I'll take him," he said, crossing his arms protectively. He wanted to help his friend in anyway he could. He felt responsible for him, and like that in some way shape or form he could've prevented all of this, especially the second kidnapping.
"I think I should," Gideon said, looking at him. It wasn't a challenge, it was just a statement.
"I think that's a better idea," Hotch agreed. There was no doubt in any of their minds that Spencer would be taken care of and protected by Morgan, that wasn't the debate. What Gideon could offer that Morgan couldn't was the ability to get into his head. Gideon could bring him out of a memory better than any of them could. He could challenge his mind better than they could and he could teach him normalcy in such a way that he would understand better than them.
Morgan understood this as well. But he wanted Spencer close. He wanted to make sure that he was okay no matter what and in his mind the only way to do that was to keep him in his sight at all times. He knew it was the logical and better choice for Gideon to take him, but he had that unease, despite Harrington's death.
Then there were the trials. Marybelle and Spencer's. It was obvious that Spencer pulling the trigger was pure self defense. He had absolutely no choice, and they had the footage to back that up. The hard part was, no matter what, Spencer would have to testify as to what happened. But no judge would send the case to a jury, not a one. That didn't make it any less difficult.
Spencer was terrified and humiliated when he learned he would have to do this, but if it had to be done, then so be it. Part of him felt awful for taking a human life, another was beyond happy, ecstatic to the point of hysterical laughter. The conflicting emotions gave him a headache.
What upset him more was that his friends had seen those tapes. He'd known for a long time that Master taped the punishments, it was in his profile. But…but they had seen…they had seen what he'd done to him. They saw how he cried, how pathetically he had begged and pleaded and cried. He was so ashamed.
"Kid, it's alright," Morgan assured, putting a hand on his shoulder. Spencer jerked away, his eyes on the floor, void of tears. He didn't seem to have any left to cry anymore. Or he was slowly shutting down and there wasn't a damn thing they could do about it.
"It's not alright, Morgan," he protested quietly. "You… you didn't need to see that. Garcia especially didn't need to see that! You…you didn't need to see what he did to me!"
"Kid…" Morgan reached out to him again. This time, Spencer didn't pull away.
"Those pathetic sounds I made. I was so, so weak. I didn't have the guts to fight back. I-"
"Spencer," Morgan said sternly, facing him squarely. "You are not weak. You did what you had to do. If you would have behaved differently, if you would've kept fighting back he would've killed you. You know that somewhere in that brain of yours. That's why you didn't. And I'm glad you didn't. I'm glad you're here, we all are."
The younger man looked at the floor. "I just feel so worthless, Morgan. Like a shell with nothing in it. I'd…I'd be better off dead."
He meant it, too. At the moment it didn't matter if he was breathing or not. He wouldn't know the difference. He was so tired, so weary from all that he had been through. He was done. Flat out and completely done.
His apartment was still vacant, the rent and maintenance kept up by his friends –whom he thanked graciously several times- and his things had been moved into storage. They had retrieved his clothes and a few of the dozens of boxes of books and other essentials so he could move in with Gideon. It was all temporary, and Spencer couldn't wait until everything just went back to normal.
He was closing off from the world. He shut everything and everyone out, trying to make it so he didn't feel anything, so nothing could hurt him anymore. They all saw it happen, and none of them knew how to fix it. Which is exactly why they called his mother.
Diana had been waiting for this phone call since the day he'd gone missing. She was very scared when she heard Agent Hotchner's voice on the other end, wondering if this would be the day she found out her son, her baby, her world, was dead and gone.
"We found him, Ms. Reid." Was the last thing she thought he would say.
"You… you found him? You found my baby?" She couldn't believe it. She shut her eyes, smiling at the thought of seeing her son again.
"Yes, we-"
"Is he alright? Is he hurt? Did they starve him? Is he healthy? What did-?"
"Ms. Reid," Hotch interrupted. "Physically he will be just fine in a few weeks."
"Oh god, he…he's not, he's not like me, is he? Mentally? Tell me he still has his mind!" She begged. She couldn't let them bring him here, he wasn't crazy… her son wasn't crazy.
"It's just in disrepair right now," Hotch explained gently. "Now, I understand how much you hate planes, but-"
"I will be there on the next flight out. I just need someone to get me the hell out of here."
"There are agents already on their way."
"Thank you," she breathed. "Thank you so much for saving him."
"I just hope you can help him," Hotch said gravely. "He needs you."
That only drove her more. She had to be there for her baby, she had to. She would do whatever it took to make sure he was alright again, that he could be normal again.
Diana had never been saner in her life than these past two years. Something always told her that Spencer was being hurt, that he was crying for someone to help him and she was here, helpless. She cried a lot, each day without a letter reminding her that he was in the hands of some merciless monster that wanted to hurt him. She knew without even asking that he was being tortured in ways she couldn't imagine, and she didn't want to. She didn't want to know what had been done to him because she didn't want to have to murder someone.
She couldn't be angry right now. Right now, he needed her.
"I'm on my way, Spencer," she whispered, shutting her eyes and seeing his smiling face.
"Should we tell him she's coming?" Hotch asked. Gideon shook his head.
"No."
"Why?" Emily asked bluntly. "Uh, sir?" She amended.
"Because if we do then he'll tell us to send her back," Rossi said. "He won't want her to see him like this even though it's the best possible way for him to recover.
So they waited.
And when she arrived Hotch made sure J.J. was there to vaguely explain why Spencer was the way he was and how he was behaving.
"Oh, no," Diana sighed, shaking her head. "No, he can't behave this way…it'll kill him." J.J. wondered if she realized that she was still in the car with her but said nothing.
When they arrived back at Quantico, she quickly escorted Diana to the conference room where Spencer currently was, being drawn in there to get away from the noise that stressed his latest headache.
The other agents watched as Diana stood in the doorway for a moment, eyes filled with tears as she looked at her baby.
He looked so thin, thinner than she remembered. His hair was longer, and the dark circles that had followed him his whole life were almost black. He was pale, eyelids a light purple, totally exhausted. His hands were folded on the table in front of him, his head bowed, like he was praying. For all she knew he was.
There was no gentle way to do this. She just had to do it.
She walked up behind him and stroked the back of his head. "Spencer." He spun around so fast it almost knocked her over.
His eyes grew to record size when he saw her. "M-Mom?" She touched his cheek, waiting until she had the opportunity to hold him like she longed to do.
"I'm here, sweetheart," she assured, smiling at him. God, she had her son again! "You haven't been eating, have you?"
He didn't answer. He threw his arms around her waist, burying his face in her stomach, no tears shedding. She hugged him back, stroking his hair and his cheek.
"Shh…it's alright. I'm here, I'm here, shh…"
"Mom…"
She lifted his chin, looking into those tortured eyes that had seemed so naïve once. "Don't do that," she said sternly. "Don't you dare shut down on me, Spencer Reid. You listen, right now," she softened her tone, her expression and her touch, kneeling down in front of him.
"You have to feel this, baby. You have to or you won't be able to feel the good things too. I know it seems easier to push it all away and make it so nothing can hurt you ever again. But you can't. There are too many people here that care about you to let that happen."
"What do you want me to do?" He asked, his voice cracking just a little. She smiled warmly at him, cradling his face.
"I want you to cry, baby. Cry. Feel it. There's nothing to be ashamed of, alright?" She hugged him again, kissing his temple and the top of his head as he sobbed, saying her name over and over, clinging to her for dear life.
"M-Mom… help me," he begged.
"I will, darling, I will. That's why I'm here. Shh… just let it out, let it out, baby. Shh…"
"Is she gonna be alright with him?" Morgan whispered.
"Diana may be crazy," Gideon said, equally as quiet. "But she is saner than I am when Spencer needs her the most."
