Chapter 29: Their Words

Colin could not bring himself to tell Julian the entire story. How could he? It all seemed strange and hard to accept, even to him. He had only changed the kiss- he told Julian that his friend, Andrew Watson, had informed him of his preferences. He had told Colin that he was more affectionate of men rather than women. Julian stared at Colin confused, shocked. But he said nothing; he merely waved his hand for Colin to continue. Colin told Julian what happened after that. How he had avoided Andrew for a month, unsure about how to take this information. He kept the freezing his once friend out even after returning from the weekend in London.

All had been going well upon his return. Andrew was nowhere to be seen; Colin admitted that he had been happy about it. But then, two nights ago, Colin arrived at his small home and found a weeping figure seated on the stairs. He approached, carefully "Excuse me…" he whispered. The figure rose carefully, it was Emily.

"Emily…" Colin said, striding forward "What are you doing here?"

"Oh…Colin…you…haven't heard." She whispered her teary eyes wide and red.

"Heard…?"

"I thought…someone was to tell you."

"Tell me what." Dread froze the blood in his veins, he rubbed his hands together "Shall we go inside?" he asked Emily. She nodded, carefully. Once they were in the parlor she sat on the sofa and began sobbing once more. "Would you like something to drink? Tea, perhaps?"

"Colin…please…sit down." She said. He didn't want to hear what she had to say.

"I brought some fine wine from London…father says-" he continued

"Andrew's dead" He heard her say. His knees gave way, a chair miraculously caught him. "What…?" he whispered. Andrew…dead. How could that be? He seemed healthy enough. Was there an accident of some sort?

"Yes…" she said, pressing her kerchief to her eyes "Just yesterday."

"How?"

"You must keep this secret. For father is telling a different story."

"Yes."

She drew a breath before answering, "He…he took his own life…a bullet."

"I see." Was all that came to his mind. What else could he say? His stomach churned. "Just…I don't understand." He whispered. She looked up at him and said "He…he told us something. A few days ago. He said that...about his…sexuality." She whispered the last part, her voice shook and she choked on her sobs.

Colin could not bring himself to look at her; to comfort her. He sat still, in his own world. Andrew's sexuality; he knew that perfectly well. It was as though his chest was being crushed. Was he the reason for Andrew's death? Mousy Andy Boy- is what they had all called him. And how he was gone, forever. Without the smallest notice of good-bye.

"You were…his friend…his closest friend; perhaps…you had a right to know." She said though her tears.

"I knew." Colin whispered. Emily looked up at him, bewildered.

"You…knew?"

"Yes...he...told me."

"And you did nothing? Said nothing?" her voice shook with emotion.

"What did you expect me to tell him?"

"I don't know- we all did the same thing anyway. All of us turned our backs on him." she turned away from Colin and proceeded to sob into the pillows. He sat by her and wrapped Emily in his arms. She cried pitifully into his shirt, and he into her hair. But this was life. You take things for granted, move without thought. Drink your tea quickly and long for more when it is gone. Lock oneself in the room during the beautiful summer, surrounding yourself with sorrow. Then one comes out when it is winter and wonder why summer is gone. Put friends aside because of arguments- and when they're gone you realize that you were wrong. That you could've done something. Shown some emotion. But Andrew is dead- he will never come back, he will never fail an exam, hear the robins sing to each other, he can never travel the world as he dreamed, Colin could never apologize, or feel Emily's warm hug. If one believed in Heaven, then you could say that he will always be there to watch. But one watches in vain, since that is all one can do. Watch as everyone else lives their lives without you.

Emily pressed her face into Colin's neck. He kissed her hair. There were too many emotions in the room; more than either of them could handle. It was this confused emotion which caused them to find each others lips, to grope each others bodies, then get caught tangled in each other's clothes. He ran his fingers over her exposed body, kissing every inch. She gasped and urged him on. They moved as one, they danced the intricate dance and sang the sweet song of their names and touching skin. When it had finished her kissed her neck and she whispered "Oh, Colin." And they fell into the void of dreams, still wrapped around each other.

****

Julian sat as though in a trance; he turned away from Colin and stared into the fire. Neither of them spoke. Colin pulled his coat tighter around him and took a sip from his glass of brandy.

"You've just...tangled yourself more." Julian finally said, still looking away from Colin.

"I know."

"What happened after?"

"After?"

"After you slept with your dead friend's sister..." Julian replied, exasperated.

"I don't...nothing...she left the next morning. Like nothing...happened."

"And you haven't spoken to her since?"

"I did something stupid. I know that. I didn't come here for a lecture." Colin said slamming his glass down.

"So why did you come here?" asked Julian, finally looking at Colin. His voice still calm and level, his eyes brewing a storm. Colin froze under his gaze.

"I don't know...what to do..." he finally managed to say. Julian pushed himself from his chair and paced around the room. His hands were shaking.

"And...and you expect me to know? You expect me to clean up this...mess that you willingly threw yourself into?" The volume of his voice rose slightly.

"I'm sorry. I didn't...I didn't know what to do...I'm sorry." he looked at his hands. He heard Julian as he still walked around the room. Finally the footsteps stopped. Colin forced himself to look up.

"This is what you do..." Julian said carefully, rubbing his hands together "You write Miss Emily. Do not mention what the two of you did. Ask her when her brother's funeral is. I suggest you go, you owe the family that. When you're there take her into private and speak with her-"

"I'm not going to marry her." Colin interrupted. Julian turned to him.

"Listen, Colin. If she's with child...then you'll have to. It's only been what? Three days? Give it a week or two for her to know. Then tell her to write you. Is your term over?"

"Yes. We're on Christmas holiday."

"Very good. Go home."

"What?"

"To Yorkshire. You owe your family that."

"All right." Colin said.

"You can stay here for now. I'll go ahead...to Yorkshire...to check on Mary. I heard you two had a fight, she may not want to see you."

Colin's blood ran cold "Do you know what about?"

"No, it is your business. After the funeral head straight to Yorkshire, stay at the inn first. Until I send word to you to go to the Manor. Do you understand?"

Colin nodded "Yes."

"Good. Go get some sleep. Third floor, first door to the right." Colin stood and made his way out of the parlor. He turned and saw Julian poking at the fire.

"Thank you." he muttered. Julian turned to him. "Take care of yourself, Colin." said Julian.

The room Julian has assigned Colin was furnished well enough, books lined the shelves. There was a pitcher of water and a washing bowl. He washed his face, then curled into the bed; pulling the blankets over his head to form a tent. At first, he had thought he wouldn't be able to rest- he was wrong. The moment his eyes closed he drifted into sleep.

****

"It is like we're in another world." his Mother commented, delighted by the snow covered moors. Julian nodded and pulled his scarf tighter around his neck. He had written the James and Lord Craven about the visiting with his Mother. They would stay in Misselthwaite for a few days, then move to the James Manor. When he responded to their letters he wrote that he could not be more excited to stay with them- truth was that he was dreading the freezing rooms in the large Manors. These old houses- Manors- were built entirely out of stone. And stone kept temperature very well. He would probably wear several coats at a time.

Lord Craven met them at the entrance he chuckled as Julian stumbled out of the horse drawn carriage. He watched at young Master Ramsey helped his mother down.

"Mrs. Eleanor, how lovely to see you again." He called out to her. She smiled at strode elegantly towards him, extending her hand.

"Yes. Very lovely to see you again. You have a marvelous home." Archibald took her gloved hand and kissed it gingerly. Julian stood behind her, his hands in his pockets and hoping from foot to foot to get warm. "Marvelous as it is...it is quite empty. Which was why I was more than happy to receive Julian's letter and have you stay with us. Well, let us get you inside before your son freezes to death." He said good naturedly. Julian smiled gratefully, his mother turned to him and frowned. "You don't have to mind that. The boy has a habit of exaggerating."

"Still, we wouldn't want to risk him getting sick. Come then, Julian. Mary is waiting for us in the breakfast room."

****

Mary sat by the fire, wrapped in a thick shawl made by Mrs. Sowerby. She watched the door anxiously, she could hear voices coming from the hallway. As the doorknob turned she stood, shakily. The thought of seeing Julian after her dreams scared her; emotions are very unpredictable. Her fear was that upon seeing Julian her feelings for him would be clear. Yes, she wanted to know how she really felt about him, but at the same time the thought frightened her. Relief and an incredible wave of joy. Julian was the first to enter the room. He looked to her and smiled, she resisted the temptation to throw her arms around him. A middle aged woman followed - she must've been his mother - her hair was a rich brown color, her stance was tall and elegant, her face held delicate features and her eyes were like her son's-only cold and calculating. Just by looking at her Mary knew what kind of woman she was. The kind that smiled, curtsied and praised to no end in public; though in private company - shrewd and arrogant.

"You must be Miss Mary Lennox." she said smiling and taking Mary's hand "I have heard so much about you."

"Mrs. Ramsey what a pleasure to meet you." Mary replied, curtsying, because she knew that Mrs. Ramsey would relish it.

"Oh, what an absolute delight!" she said patting Mary's cheek lightly. Mary glanced over her shoulder and had to stop herself from giggling when she saw Julian's expression. One of his eyebrows was raised in a peculiar manner, his lip curled and he was shaking his head. A look of amazement. "She's quite a delight." Mrs. Eleanor said turning to her son, who immediately switched back to his regular slim smile. "Please, sit beside me Mrs. Ramsey...How was your trip?" she said waiting for Mrs. Ramsey to sit and pouring her some tea. Julian and her Uncle settled themselves across from them. She handed them both their cups and listened and responded to her stories. Her Uncle looked on and smiled, Ms. Minchin's School had indeed turned Mary into a lady. At least on the outside. It was too late for supper, so they ate small frosted cakes with tea. Lord Craven handed Julian a glass of brandy- which he took too better than tea.

"Well, look at the time." her Uncle exclaimed "It is quite late and you must be tired from your journey." He called in Mrs. Medlock and asked her to lead them to their rooms. Mary pecked Mrs. Ramsey's cheek and said "Rest well, Mrs. Ramsey." She watched as Julian and his Mother left the room. Julian glanced back and she read his look- I need to talk to you.

She felt her Uncle touch her arm "You were trained well."

Mary smiled "She's quite..."

"Haughty."

"Yes. I'll take you too your room, Uncle." she said.

"Not too worry." he said "Carlyle, please..." Their manservant came forward and wheeled him out of the room. Mary followed, before parting she kissed both her Uncle's cheeks and said good night.

****

He wore three coats, two pairs of socks and a scarf around his head to sleep that night, because even with a fire burning the air still chilled him. Even in Boston he had slept like this, tucked under piles of thick blankets wearing several pajamas pulled over each other. Julian was not sure how long he lay awake, but he knew that he couldn't have been asleep for more than an hour when he heard someone knock at his door. Willpower pulled him out of bed, wrapping a thick blanket around himself he opened the door slowly. Mary stood outside holding a candle. She was wrapped in a fur coat, a scarf hung loosely about her neck, her hair was in a winter bonnet, gloves were in her other hand and she on her feet were thick walking boots. She took one look at him and stifled a giggle.

"Cold?" she whispered, smiling.

He rubbed his eyes "What time is it?"

"Six O'clock"

"In the morning?"

"Yes, in the morning."

"Mary...why are you awake at six in the morning?"

"We're going for a walk."

"What?"

"Yes."

"Can't it wait?"

"No."

"Why not?" he pulled the blanket around his body tighter.

"Because, Julian, they don't let me out for more than a few minutes everyday."

"Yes, because it is freezing and they're scared you'll get sick. I can't blame them."

"Listen, I have to go."

"Why? Where do you have to go so badly that it has too be done even before the sun is up?"

She dropped her voice to softer than a whisper "The Secret Garden." He stood for a moment considering "Fine, all right. I'll just...get ready to freeze to death."

"Thank you." Mary whispered before Julian closed the door to change. He came out after several minutes, with a black wool coat, what looked like two scarves wrapped around his neck, gloves and in his arms he carried two blankets.

"We can get rubber boots for you on the way out. Mummy wouldn't want you to ruin your dress shoes." She said jokingly, linking their arms.

"Hahaha...very funny, Mary" He said. Sure enough, when they reached the servants entrance there was a pair of rain boots. Julian pulled them on.

"How many socks are you wearing?" Mary asked.

"I'm not sure...about ten."

"You grew up in the North, you should be used to the cold."

"Well, I'm not."

"Look..." Mary said walking to one of the nearby tables "Someone left his cap. Catch, Julian, you wouldn't want your ears to freeze off."

"Mary, I don't feel good about stealing someone's cap."

"You'll give it back." she said taking it from his hands and putting it on him. She stared at him, her eyes unfocusing slightly, tears threated to form.

"What's wrong? I look ridiculous, don't I?" Julian asked.

"No...no...you look fine." Mary said turning away from him, You look like Dickon - she had thought, and opening the door. The cold wind smacked them right in the face.

"This is ridiculous." She heard Julian mutter behind her. She turned to him and saw he pulled out another scarf from his pocket and began wrapping it around her face.

"I don't want you to get sick." he said.

"I'm more worried about you." she said, her breath caught in the cloth and warmed her face. "Ready?" she asked.

"I guess."

"Good." She grabbed his hand and ran as fast as her feet could carry her. She felt Julian stumble slightly then pick himself up, and keep pace with her. They came to the kitchen gardens and turned, soon they were in front of the ivy wall- now encrusted with snow. She pushed the door open and ran into the garden ahead of Julian. It was pristine. Truly a winter wonderland. Snow delicately covered every surface, droplets of ice were frozen on the wood of nearby trees. The pond was completely iced over- she had removed the fish in October fearing they would freeze to death. She heard Julian's steps as his weight crushed the snow.

"Isn't it beautiful?" she asked turning to him. He managed to nod.

"You're just saying that." She said pulling the scarf from her face.

"No...I mean it. I could just appreciate it more if..."

"You weren't freezing?"

"Yes." He spread out one of the blankets and sat on it, she came and sat beside him.

"I haven't been here in months." she said.

"They've been keeping you inside?"

"Yes...I could hardly walk."

"We should go back in now."

"No."

"Mary if your condition worsens..." she turned to him and shook her head. His lips were turning blue and he was shaking. She laughed.

"Don't worry Mr. Ramsey. You're the one who's cold, not me." She took the second blanket and draped it around him.

"I...dislike the cold. It makes me feel...vulnerable." he said, in between his chattering teeth. She laughed and leaned on his shoulder.

"What did you want to speak to me about?" she asked.

"Oh...well...Colin's coming into town." she pulled away.

"What?"

"Yes."

"Why do you know this?"

"Because I told him too."

"I don't want him."

"I know. But he's still your cousin."

"You don't know what he did."
"Because you don't tell me."

"Because you don't ask."

"If I asked would you tell me?" he said looking at her. She bit her lip and looked away "I thought not." he continued. They sat in silence for sometime.

"You look tired." Mary commented drily, twisting her sleeve.

"I haven't been sleeping well."

"Why not?"

Julian shrugged.

"Is it the cold?"

"No, I don't think so. I used to be able to sleep fine, whatever the weather was like."

"Is it your mother?" Mary asked, looking at him from the corner of her eyes.

"Yes, I think so. I'm scared to wake and find her eating my innards."

"You're evil." Mary said laughing.

"I'm honest."

"Yes. Very honest."

"Mary...whatever you and Colin fought about...I think he's realized his mistake, and that he wants to make things right again."

"What makes you think that?"

"Something...happened."

"What?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Because...because it is his story to tell...Be nice, Mary." He held the blanket open for her and she let him wrap it around the two of them, finally Julian stood and said "We have to go back in now or I'm not joking when I say I'll freeze to death." She laughed and he pulled her up, folded the blankets and led the way out of the garden. She stood and looked around her then she heard Julian call her name and she whispered good-bye to the garden, because she wasn't sure when she would return.

****

Colin watched as Dickon rode out into the moor, he followed slowly on his rented horse. Once the village was behind them he called his name "Dickon!" Dickon turned and the expression of shock was clearly etched on his face. He looked more rugged, more tired. He pulled Carter to a stop and waited as Colin came up to him. They looked at each other, unsure of what to say. Dickon licked his lips and tightened his hold on the reins. Colin was first to speak.

"I'm sorry."

A smile played on Dickon's lips "Aye. Me as well." he said. Colin swung of the horse, so did Dickon.

"I realized...that I was...being a monster. And that losing a friend...it's awful. I'm sorry. I should've been more considerate...I'm not sure if that is the right word. What I mean to say is...if you love Mary, then acting as I did really won't solve anything. Besides, I would rather lose her to you than anybody else."

Dickon was silent "Colin...Mary and I...we should've told tha. I'm sorry, as well. But...I am willing to...back down if tha really wants her."

"You mean that?"

Dickon cocked his head "Aye...a little."

Colin couldn't help but laugh "We can...go back to being friends then?" he said reaching out his hand. Dickon shook it "Aye." Colin was not aware of how much he had missed Dickon's wide crooked grin. They started laughing- both not knowing why. All they knew was that they were friends again, things were getting back to the way they were. The way they should be.

"Can I ask you something?" Colin said taking the horse's reins and urging it to walk. Dickon followed.

"Hmm?"

"Do you think you could love anyone aside from Mary?"

Dickon looked to the sky "No...I don't think so, no."

"You're so sure."

"Doesn't tha feel th' same?"

"I thought I did...but I am not so sure anymore."

Dickon looked at him quizzically "Tha 'as met someone?"

"I have. We did something stupid." He looked at Dickon who seemed to understand.

"Ah." Dickon said nodding.

"I'm still...unsure about everything with her."

"I see."

"What do I do?"

"I'll be 'onest... I 'ave no idea." They were both silent.

"You should go back to the Garden." Colin said.

"Aye. We all should."

****

Mary, Julian and Mrs. Ramsey took a walk around the frozen lawns of Misselthwaite Manor. It was almost noon and the weather was good for winter, the sun peeking out behind the clouds. Enough to give them some warmth though not enough to turn the snow into sloppy water. They were in the middle of discussing the most interesting and universal topic- the weather.

"It is strange how my Uncle, cousin and I stayed in Massachusetts we never met." Mary pointed out.

"You lived in America for some time, dear?"

"Yes, mother. During the Great War." Julian supplied.

"Oh, well your timing was perfect then. You did not have to participate in that...bloodbath." She said.

"Well, watching it from a far is difficult. Thinking of all your countrymen going out to defend England whilst we sat idle miles away."

"Dear, wars are not for us."

"Women became nurses."

"No, dear. That is not what I meant."

"Then what do you mean, Mrs. Ramsey?"

"Do you know what's happening in London?"

"I am not sure what you mean."

"Gardens and other public areas are deteriorating. Do you know why? Because servants went to War. If you had become a nurse, Mary, then you would've found yourself treating the wounds of...garden boys and such. You wouldn't have wanted that, would you?" Mary's ears turned bright pink. She looked away from Mrs. Ramsey from fear of pushing her into the snow or slapping her across the face. Julian was saying something about how it didn't matter what their professions were, but Mary didn't hear any of walked away from them, quickly. All she could think of was Dickon and the other working men uprooted from their family lives to live out a death sentence. Her eyes began to water, and she took of at a run. Mary heard Julian calling her, but she didn't turn back.

She found herself in one of the garden mazes, she leaned on one of the tall walls and began sobbing. She missed Dickon, she missed him with all her heart. She felt someone touch her shoulder and turn her around. It was Julian. He reached up and wiped the tears from her face, whispering words of comfort. She leaned into him and cried more into his coat, but he still held her and stroked her hair. "I'm sorry." he whispered "I told you she was evil." Mary couldn't help but chuckle. She pulled away though they were still very close to each other. There was something in his eyes, an emotion she tried to read.

"Mary...I" he whispered. She nodded, unsure of what to do. What to say. Their lips barely grazed each other when Julian moved away, his hand over his mouth as though his lips were in pain.

"Julian..." Mary tried to say. But he waved his hand, cutting her off "No...you don't..." he turned to face her "It's Dickon." Mary froze and stared at him, horrified. How had he known? Had Colin told him? Had Dickon told him? She wanted to look away from him, but couldn't. He shook his head sadly and turned away from her, rubbing his tired eyes. "I'm so stupid." she heard him whisper.

"Mary...Julian," his mother came around the corner "I was wondering where you two had run off too! Look, who is here." They both looked in her direction and saw Colin standing beside her, and behind Colin was Dickon. They both smiled weakly. No one spoke. They all just looked at each other in shock

Suddenly, Julian spoke "Colin..." he strode forward and shook his hand, then moved to Dickon "Dickon...good to see you again." They both greeted Julian. But Mary stood rooted on the spot. Julian still didn't look at her, he took his mother's arm and said "Look, mother. I just saw a squirrel bound over the hedge. Let us go follow it" and pull her away. She stammered protests, but was soon dragged off by her son. Dickon was the first one to move, then Colin followed, they both turned and began trudging away. Mary knew where they were going so she followed them. They needed to be in their garden, in their Secret Garden.

Dickon opened the door for them and they went it. When they all stood in the garden, they couldn't speak. Colin shifted position and Dickon grinned at Mary.

"What's happened?" Mary whispered.

"Well..." Colin said "I don't want to kill Dickon anymore." Dickon chuckled. Colin continued "And we've both decided to be more civil."

"You mean you're not going to act like a spoiled brat anymore?" Mary asked.

Colin smiled "Yes. I'm sorry, Mary." he strode forward and hugged her "I'm sorry, cousin."

She hugged him back "I'm sorry too." Despite herself she felt tears forming. She pulled away and wiped her eyes, Colin was doing the same thing. Dickon came to them and pulled them both into his arms. "Everythin's good again." he whispered. Everything was good again. "Colin was scared when I almost beat 'im in fencing." Dickon said jokingly. Colin pushed them both away "How dare you?!" he said, feigning anger. He picked up the nearest stick and said "Have at you, filthy dog!" running towards Dickon, who also took a stick and parried, laughing. "Stop it!" Mary cried, forming a snow ball and throwing it at Colin's head. They chased each other around the garden, throwing snowballs and batting them away with sticks. They didn't notice the robin perched on the nearby tree, singing his loudest song because the Garden was happy again.


Hey everyone:)

I am really sorry that a.) it took me ages to write this chapter and b.) it kinda sucks:(...anyway...I still hope you enjoyed and reviews please:) Happy New Year as well. Heads up= there is more and more to come and I am not sure...if I can pop time in to write. Hectic months ahead. That's all

_cole_