Aletta: Okay, so my writer's block is kinda gone.
Artemis: ONWARD WITH THE STORY!
Aletta: Right.
Why is it so hard to love someone? They call it falling in love, is it really that easy? I laid on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. It's been days since my first date with Izuru, but I still don't feel like I've fallen for him. Orihime said that I'll know I'm in love when I can't imagine life without him. Rukia says it's when I can offer up my entire life to him without any hesitation. Kyokaru says that I'll simply know when I'm in love. So far, I've determined I'm still not in love. I imagine I can still continue my life without him, and I would risk my life for him, but then again, I would for anyone.
I turned on my bed, then threw off the sheets. There's no point in staying in bed when I can't sleep, so I headed outside. I wandered around Seireitei in the dark until it was light again. I never realized how late I had been lying in bed, it must have been early morning when I finally got up. I glanced around, and I noticed where I had wandered to. Somehow, in the complete darkness, I had managed to be within sight of the wall, and I could see the spots of blood on it. I walked toward it, brushing my fingers on the rough stone.
"Back here, and I guess I haven't learned much else." I said to the wall. I smiled, "Just not to beat inanimate objects." I rested my head against the wall, holding my fist against the spots on it, I laughed "Great, I'm talking to a wall. The weird thing is, I think you're listening. How crazy is that?" I said, uncurling my hand and placing my palm on the wall, "What is wrong with me?" I whispered.
"Nothing." Someone said, and I turned around to find Blute sitting in one of the trees. I blinked, and she was still there.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"Giving you something to talk to other than the wall." Blute said, and I think she would've smirked right there. I glanced at he tail, and there was no flowerbud on it, not even the beginnings of a flowerbud, a green bulb at the end, it was a green tail.
"What happened to your tail?" I asked, and Blute swished her tail up to her face, tilting her head to one side.
"I don't see anything wrong with it. The new flower is growing, it just needs time and nurishment to grow." She said, and her tail swished down toward the ground like a monkey's.
"Oh. Well." I looked down at my bare feet, wiggling my toes in the loose soil.
"Didn't you have something to say? Or did you say it all to the wall?" Blute said, her head still tilted to one side, and I think she would have smirked again. I stuck my tongue out, then sighed and stared back down at my toes.
"Am I not allowed to live my life, because I promised to live to fight for others?" I asked, and Blute clicked her beak.
"Not by anyone but yourself." She said. I looked up at her.
"What do you mean by that?"
"It's not my place to answer that. You've got to figure it out yourself. But you are not held by your promise."
"I know I've got walls to break down. Is that it? I thought I already had solved that problem."
"You simply noticed the walls. They are still there." I sat down against the wall, "You still are beating inanimate objects." She said, ruffling her feathers. I rest my head against the wall.
"So, what do I do?"
"I don't know." Blute said, and disappeared. Figures. I sighed, and stared up at the sky. The sun was was started to rise up over the treetops. Eventually, someone's going to come and look for me. I stood up, decided I didn't want to be found right now, and picked a direction slightly angled from the wall, and ran until I could see the Division buildings, then turned and ran a different direction, and then turned again until I was too tired to keep running, and I started walking. Then I found Hitsugaya, sitting in a tree. I silently walked up to him and climbed up into the tree.
"Hitsugaya-kun, what are you doing in a tree?" I asked, and Hitsugaya nearly jumped out of his skin and off the tree.
"M-Miura-san! What are you doing here? And in your pajamas!" He asked, frowning. I glanced down, and I noticed my ducky pajama bottoms, the knees now covered in dirt. I'll have to find some way to wash them later.
"Oh.. I'm just hiding from Soul Society. Are you okay?" Hitsugaya straddled the branch, letting his legs dangle on either side of the branch and rested his back against the tree trunk.
"I'm fine. What are you hiding from?" I turned toward Hitsugaya.
"I'd rather not say... I-I'm sorry. I didn't know." I said, staring down at the ground. When I glanced up, Hitsugaya wasn't looking at me, he was looking away.
"There is nothing to be sorry about, there is nothing to know." Hitsugaya said in a flat tone. I jumped to another branch so I was underneath him, on the other side so I could see his face. His eyes were closed, he was frowning and his hands were curled into fists. I could see tears around his closed eyelids, and he quickly wiped them away, "Are you going to say something?"
"You're a big fat liar." I said, and Hitsugaya opened his eyes, and looked away again. I sat back on the branch, "I wish there was something I could say, or do that would make everything better. That would make this less complicated, and wouldn't hurt anyone."
"There is nothing you can say or do. I lost, I have no choice but accept it."
"Is that really all there is to it? I'm Izuru-kun's prize, because he was the first to ask me out? Is that what you think of me as? The prize you lost?" I said, and Hitsugaya turned to face me, but I continued to stare right in front of me.
"Don't go twisting my words!" He snapped, and in the corner of my eye I could see him glaring, then blinked and stared in front of himself with me, "You are nobody's prize." He said, with a softer tone. I rested my head against the treetrunk and stared up at the sky.
"Thanks." I said. I wonder if anyone's looking for Hitsugaya as well. He probably did the responsible thing and told Matsumoto he was heading out. I wonder if Izuru is looking for me, I'm supposed to spar with him this afternoon. Maybe not, it's still pretty early in the morning.
"There something else you wanted to say?" Hitsugaya asked, and I couldn't help but smile.
"What makes you think that?" I said, glancing over at him, and he was smiling as well.
"You're still here." He said, "Well?"
"I can't just sit here with you?" I asked, turning to face him easier and he nodded. I pulled my knees up to my chest, resting my chin on my knees, "Why did you come out here?" I asked after a while.
"I needed to think."
"What about?" I asked, and Hitsugaya didn't answer right away. He just sat back against the tree and stared in front of himself, and frowned a bit, "Nevermind." I said, looking away.
"No, it's okay. I was thinking about you." He said, and I blushed and looked away. He lowered his voice, "Do you love him?" I stared down at the ground, and let out a soft laugh, "What?"
"What's why I'm hiding from Soul Society. I don't know if I love Izuru-kun, or anyone. But that probably doesn't make any sense to you." I said, glancing over at Hitsugaya; he was smiling, "What?" I said dumbly, and Hitsugaya blinked, and looked away.
"Nothing." He said quickly, and turned to face me again, "If you don't love him, why do you stay with him?"
"Still hoping to win?" I said, with a smirk, and Hitsugaya looked away, "I should go." I said, looking up at the sky, "Someone might be looking for me." I said, jumping down from the tree, and Hitsugaya followed suit.
"You haven't answered my question." He said, and I smirked again.
"You're right." I said, and left in a flash. Back to my wandering. I wonder if I can manage to avoid everyone for the rest of the day? As much as I would have liked to, I had work to do, and a man to see who's probably thinking right now I'm dead. I headed back to the Division buildings, managed to find my bearings and headed toward the training area.
--
"Ava-chan, there you are! I was beginning to worry. Are you alright?" Izuru asked, holding me by my shoulders and staring me in the face. I looked away, and his grip loosened and then his hands slid down my back as he pulled me into a hug.
"I'm fine. I just needed some time to think." I said, pushing him away and picking up a wooden sword. I slid my feet into my fighting position and started my fighting with Izuru.
"You know you can talk to me about anything." He said, blocking my sword and grabbing it with his free hand. I pulled myself close to Izuru.
"There's nothing to talk about." I said, pulling my sword away and jabbing him in the stomach with it, "You're dead." I said, grinning, but Izuru wasn't smiling, he dropped his sword to his side. I frowned, putting down my own sword, "Please don't worry about it." I said, putting a hand on the side of his face, "I hate to see you upset like this over something silly like this."
"What aren't you telling me?" Izuru said, his voice firm, but still kind. I looked down at the ground, pulling my hand away, and Izuru tilted my chin up so he could see my face.
"It's nothing to worry about. I need to get going. I'll see you later." I said, reaching up to kiss him, and his hands moved down to my waist, pulling me close against him, and when I felt his tongue against my lips, I pulled away again, but his arms wouldn't let me leave.
"If it's nothing, why aren't you telling me?" He asked, kissing the top of my head, "Ava-chan, something's been bugging you, I know. Is it something to do with Captain Hitsugaya?" He asked, loosening his grip so he could see my face. I looked down, resting my head on his shoulder.
"You're going to laugh." I said, and Izuru tilted my chin up again.
"I promise, I won't laugh." Izuru said, kissing my forehead.
"I don't think I can fall in love." I said, with a dry laugh, "Isn't that ridiculous?" I looked up, and Izuru wasn't smiling. His hands were at his sides, "Kira-kun?" I said quietly, reaching up to touch the side of his face, but turned his face away.
"How long have you felt this way?" Izuru asked.
"When you first asked me out was when I realized this, but for as long as I could remember, I've never truly been in love." I said, pulling my hand away. He nodded, and took a deep breath.
"I see. I'm sorry." He said, taking a step away from me.
"What are you doing?" I asked, and I felt my throat close up, and my voice became hard to reach to say anything else.
"I'm sorry I have to do this to you, but it's better this way. You need to figure this out without you and me like this." Izuru said, and I blinked, but gritted my teeth against the tears, "Just know that I will always love you, and I will always be here for you, as a friend." He said, looking down at the ground. I took a step toward him, but he was gone in a flash. I stood there for a few seconds, trying to understand what just happened, when I noticed people were staring at me, and I flashed to my office.
--
I was beginning to see the walls of the office, with the papers Izuru would take with him or sometimes he would just stay in the office with me when his Captain doesn't need him for something. I glanced around, first at the desk, where the little vase was full of lavender roses, then at the stacks of papers I've filled out and that needed to be sent out. The package for 3rd Division was still there. I stared at the package, clearly labeled with the 3 character, like it was going to disappear any time. Why hasn't Izuru picked it up today? I guess he wasn't kidding. I thought, but shrugged and took a pile of papers and got down to signing and filling out the forms.
At some point, Kotetsu and Kotsubaki came in, and I got them on delivering the packages.
"The one for 3rd Division is still here." Kotetsu said.
"Did you two have a quarrel?" Kotsubaki said, and Kotetsu hit him on the shoulder.
"Baka! Don't say that! That's so rude!" Kotetsu snapped, and Kotsubaki punched her on the arm
"Don't hit me! I was asking a simple question!" Kotsubaki yelled, and I stood up, scraping my chair on the floor. Instantly, they stopped their fighting and looked at me.
"Kotetsu, take the package for Second Division, Kotsubaki, take the package for 3rd Division." I said, picking up the two packages and holding them out for them, "Any questions?" I said, and they quickly shook their heads and took the packages as they left. I took some more papers, and I glanced over at the piles, and the package for 10th Division was gone. I sighed and took the papers back to my desk.
"Miura-dono, how are you today?" Ukitake said, picking up the package for 8th Division. I looked up, then back into my paper, "I see Captain Hitsugaya has been here. Miura-dono, are you alright?"
"I'm just great." I snapped, then looked down at the papers, "Sorry." I said.
"It's alright. Do you want to talk to me about it?" He said, sitting down in the only other chair you can find in this room. I sat back in my chair, looking at Ukitake.
"Izuru-kun has left me, I think. Well, we're not a couple, that much I've figured out." I said. I wonder if I should just transfer back to Karakura town now. I know exactly what's going on now. Ukitake reached over the desk and patted my shoulder.
"He'll come back, just give him some time." Ukitake said, and I smiled a bit.
"He's not the one that needs time, apparently." I said, "Thanks for the support though. I'll be okay. I think I'm going to go deliver some of these packages." Ukitake nodded, and took the package for the 8th Division, "You going out with Captain Kyokaru?" I said, taking the package for the 1st Division. Ukitake nodded.
"We're off to talk with Captain Amagai about his plan for joint training among the Divisions." Ukitake said, and I nodded, "Have a nice day, Miura-dono." He said and left in a flash, and I tucked the package under my arm and headed to 1st Division.
--
I delivered the papers easily, so I picked up the package for 6th Division and delivered those. Kotetsu and Kotsubaki were working faster than I had expected them to. The papers to be sent out were gone before I could send a third package, so I sat down at the desk again and tried to focus on the work, but Kotetsu and Kotsubaki seemed anxious to leave and anyone that came in seemed to be quickly interrogated by the two, so the office was almost always empty.
I glanced out the window a couple times, and I saw Rukia or Abarai talking with Kotetsu and Kotsubaki. When Rukia noticed me looking out the window at me, she simply smiled at me and waved, but didn't come inside. Why is everyone avoiding me? I didn't fall in love with Izuru, and they're acting like it's a contagious disease or something. I guess they think they're doing a favor and giving me time to think. I got up, getting out of the office. Kotetsu and Kotsubaki turned around to face me.
"Rukia, it's good to see you." I said.
"Where are you going?" She said roughly. I smiled, looking her in the eyes.
"Out. Since everyone seems to want me to be alone, I'll head outside. I will see you later." I said, flashing toward the grove before they could stop me or ask me something else.
"Leave her alone." I heard Rukia say, but I was already gone, free from everyone treating me like I was in some kind of major tragedy, free so I could really think about what's wrong with me, but there really isn't much to bring up. Should I be heartbroken he has left me? I'm sad he's gone, but I think I can live without him. Should I feel empty without him? I've been feeling empty before he asked me out, and when he did, I didn't feel any kind of part of me filled. So what does this mean? This means that everyone should stop treating me like this, because I was never in love, and I never will. I should just go back to Karakura town, visit Uryu and Orihime and see if Kurosaki will forgive me. That sounds nice right now.
"It's settled then." I said to myself, flashing to find Captain Ukitake.
Aletta: Finally! Sorry bout taking so long to write this.
Artemis: BUT IT'S HERE! And Review!
Aletta: Right, be sure to do that.
