Chapter Twenty-Nine

I Secretly Raise My Needles

Every day was the same. Every day was meaningless. Every day was empty. Every day it became less and less clearer. Every day it was lonelier and lonelier.

There was a girl named Gumi. She was a girl Rin loved. But did Rin love her as a friend, or more? Rin knew the answer had once been clear, but she couldn't remember now. She couldn't remember any of it. She could barely remember what Gumi looked like. She remembered Gumi had given her a gift once, and, though she had known what it was a couple days ago, she couldn't remember now.

When Rin had suddenly appeared in her room months ago, she'd remembered why she was there. Now, Rin had no idea. That day, she'd known everything. She known that she loved Gumi, and she'd known to what extent. She'd known what kind of relationship they'd had, and she'd known that Gumi had given her a very important gift.

Now, Rin knew next to nothing.

She knew that she loved Gumi, but in what way? She knew Gumi was important to her, but how important? She knew something had happened to Gumi, but what was it? She knew Gumi had done something grand before they'd parted ways, but what had she done? She knew Gumi had told her to be happy, but why had she asked for that?

Rin sat in her desk at school, struggling to dig through the fog in her mind to find the answers to the questions. It had all been so clear when she'd returned—where she'd returned from, she still couldn't say, and the cops couldn't tell her because she remembered that she'd lied—but as days went by, she'd begun to forget, all events since the end of middle school slowly disappearing. She wanted to tell someone, but there was no one to tell.

Rin stared at her teacher, Kiyoteru, knowing she'd learned something important about him, but she was unable to remember it. She'd considered talking to him about it, but she didn't know him well enough. Still, she knew no one anymore. Piko was no use to talk to, and neither was Gakupo. Luka was dead, and Rin had tried talking to her grave in a fit of desperation, but no answer had come. Then, all others she knew were missing, and she had a nagging feeling about it, like she knew where they were but simply couldn't remember.

Rin thought of Gumi again. She loves me, she loves me not, Rin chanted in her head as she watched cherry blossoms fall from a tree outside the window, twirling her hair, now falling well past her shoulders, around her finger. She was surprised to see any cherry blossoms on the trees so late in spring. She would have assumed they'd be gone by now.

Rin stared at her notebook, a little annoyed at herself for not taking notes. That wasn't the best way to start a new school year, and she didn't know anyone in her knew class well enough to ask to borrow theirs. She used to always borrow Miki's notes when she zoned out.

Rin felt that nagging feeling again. Miki was missing, but Rin felt like she'd seen her since. Where was that? Perhaps it had just been someone she passed by who looked like Miki? No, she remembered talking with the girl. What had they been talking about? It had been a boy, right? Which boy? Piko? No. Gakupo? No. Kiyoteru? No. Rin couldn't quite remember who it was. She remembered a boy, and she knew he was important, but what was his name? What did he look like? Why was he so important?

I came for Rin. I hate you, Len.

Rin tilted her head to the side thoughtfully and stared at the cherry blossoms as the words echoed in her head. So who was it that had said that? It was a girl, but who? Well, at least now Rin could remember the boy's name. Len. Who hated Len?

Oh. Gumi. Of course.

Rin tapped her pen against her desk as she watched another petal drop to the ground. Pretty things dropping dead, like the girls, right? All the girls missing could have been victims of the murderer, right? They all had nice enough hair. Maybe Rin had been taken, and Gumi had saved her. So was everyone else dead?

Improbable. Why would he have taken the girls? Didn't he just kill them for their hair? What was the use in keeping them?

Rin stared at Kiyoteru, wondering how he tied into it all. He caught her staring at him and locked gazes with her, a look of contemplation in his eyes that matched hers, all the while continuing to teach. Then, when the bell signalled lunch, Rin went up to him.

"Hiyama-sensei," she said. "I have a question."

He froze and asked carefully, "What is it?"

"Why did you ask for me to be in your class?" Before he could reply, she stated, "I know you asked for me specifically. I asked the principal."

Kiyoteru carefully replied, "Well, Gumi was a good student, so I thought taking care of you was the least I could do for her after what happened."

Rin's ears perked up. Did he know something, something that she'd forgotten? "After what happened?" she asked eagerly.

"After she went missing," he said, looking a little confused.

Rin drooped and sighed. No, it was something more than that, she knew it. Then, she asked curiously, "Gumi was an awful student, and she wasn't even in your home room. Why does she matter to you at all?" Again, she continued before he replied, a spark of memory returning, "Oh, wait, you were dating her, right?"

Kiyoteru's eyes widened and he shook his head vigorously. "No, not at all! I'd never date Gumi! I mean, she's my student, and—"

Rin smiled triumphantly as she recalled what it was. "Right, I remember! You were dating Miku!"

Kiyoteru froze. "How did you know?"

"Gumi said something about it," Rin replied. Then, her brow creased in concentration and she said, "And I think Miku might have said something about it, too." Then, she realized, "Hiyama-sensei, I have to tell you something, before I forget it again! I can't really remember any details, really, but I do know that Miku is alive! Okay? Just remember! She's alive, okay? I swear, and I never lie. Except to the cops, I think. Well, and Len. I know I lied to him." Her mind was foggy again as she tried to remember. "Why did I lie to him? Hiyama-sensei, do you know why?"

Kiyoteru stared at her for moment, contemplating, before saying, "You dated Gumi, right? Did it have to do with that? Len seemed a little . . . obsessed with you."

Rin stared at him, not understanding. "I did? He was?"

Kiyoteru seemed unsure of himself. "Oh, well, maybe I'm wrong, but that's what I understood from what Gumi told me."

"Gumi told you that?" Rin asked, fighting against the fog. She'd dated Gumi? Wait, yes she had. She and Gumi had . . . they'd . . . they'd even kissed, if she remember correctly. Right, yes, they'd done more than that. She'd spent the night with Gumi. She and Gumi had been in love, right? Right? Rin felt exhaustion settling from pushing back the fog. It was so bad that she couldn't even hold herself up. Then, she melted into Kiyoteru's arms and blacked out.

. . .

When Rin woke up, the fog was back. She couldn't remember what had happened. When her parents came in, they brought Kiyoteru with them. They tried to prompt her to tell them what had caused her to faint, but she had no idea. They grew panicked when she informed them that she didn't even remember what she'd been talking to Kiyoteru about and left them room to call the doctor, leaving Rin alone with her teacher, who was staring at her in disbelief.

"You really can't remember?" he wondered.

Rin shook her head. "I don't know. Why? Was it important?"

Kiyoteru stared at her for another moment before smiling and shaking his head. "Not at all. We were just discussing an assignment."

Rin frowned at him. "I know you're lying. All men are liars. He lied to me, too."

Kiyoteru seemed to know she was talking about Len and told her, "Don't think about that, Rin. It's not important."

Rin clutched at her head, feeling the fog blocking her from remembering what she wanted to know so badly. "Don't lie to me!" she yelled at him, digging her fingers into her hair. "I can't take any more lies! Everyone keeps lying to me! How am I supposed to be happy when everyone has to lie? I don't want her to lie anymore, Hiyama-sensei! She's lying, lying, lying, and he's making her, and he lied to her, too! Everyone is lying, even me! I lied and now I don't even know the truth anymore! I can't help anymore! I could have saved them, Hiyama-sensei! I know I could have! They were right there, right within my grasp, by now I can't even remember where they were! I hate this, I hate this, I hate it all!" She felt herself on the verge of tears as Kiyoteru hugged her, cutting off her yelling abruptly.

"It's okay, Rin," he told her. "Don't try to remember."

Rin shook her head against his chest. "Don't lie to me! If I don't remember, I'll never be able to make up for everything I've done. It's all my fault. I don't know why, but I know I stared this whole thing. I know it was my fault."

"Rin, you can't blame yourself for this killer showing up," Kiyoteru told her.

"No, you're wrong," Rin said, completely certain for once. "This has nothing to do with the killer. He's got nothing to do with it. It's . . . it's Len, Hiyama-sensei. Len did this all."

And she fell unconscious again. And, again, when she woke up, everything was gone, and she was too tired to fight against the haze anymore. It was too hard. In the next month, everything was forgotten. Len, Gumi, all her friends, she couldn't remember any of them. She couldn't remember any of her time at school, and, eventually, she forgot Kiyoteru, too, to the point that, when she looked at him at school, she couldn't even remember that he was her teacher. Her parents grew so concerned that they took her out of school and hired a tutor to teach her at home. Rin grew despondent and would disappear for days on end before coming home, each time seeming more and more lost. She took no interest in anything, ever, and she spent all her time staring at her phone, wondering who all these people she had registered were. When she was unable to answer her own question, she would drop the phone on her bed and leave her house, not to return for days. However, no matter how many times she left, she didn't find what she was looking for, and the cycle would only begin again.

. . .

Rin knew her parents were worried about her. Even though they didn't think she listened to them when they spoke, she heard every word, even if she didn't bother answering even the most simple questions they directed at her. They were currently considering putting her into a mentation institution, theorizing two ideas: the first, that she had lost her mind completely; the second, that she was borderline suicidal.

The only time Rin was ever animated was when the news was on, which had led to the second theory, considering word of rape and murder seemed to be the only thing to interest her nowadays. Rin felt a little upset about worrying her parents, but she found feeling anything at all to be too much. After all, if she tried to think of anything, she fainted. If she felt an emotion, she'd want to remember another time when she'd felt that, and then she'd end up collapsing and completely forgetting what that emotion she'd felt was or why she'd felt it. Being a lifeless doll suited her better now.

It was long past midnight as Rin wandered the streets downtown with nowhere in particular to go. She glanced around her, searching for something, but she couldn't find what it was she wanted, which caused her to feel a vague annoyance. However, she pushed the annoyance aside. If she collapsed now, she'd never find what she was looking for.

A scream tore through the still night air. Rin jumped and whipped her head around. Where had it come from? She was quickly given assistance as the voice called for help. Rin rushed into an alley, where a girl a couple years younger stood against a wall, cornered by a shady-looking man. Rin felt herself grow excited as she watched the scene. She cleared her throat.

"Hello," she said.

The man and the girl turned to stare at her, the man a little panicked and the girl with desperation in her eyes.

"I was just wondering something: are you the one who killed my friend Luka? Long, pink hair?" she wondered.

The man snorted. "Get lost, girly, or your next."

Rin smiled, though she still felt numb on the inside. "So it is you." She looked at the girl. Her hair was rather remarkable. "Please get out of my way," Rin requested. "I grew my hair out just so this man would prey on me. It's been a long wait."

The girl had already dashed around the man as he was distracted. Then, she hid behind Rin. Rin scowled a little. The idiot should have left. She ignored the man as he shouted at her and instead told the girl, "I'd leave if I were you. If things don't go well, I'd rather not have to worry about you."

"If I leave, are you going to let him kill you?" the girl asked, her voice trembling. Rin could see the girl was forcing herself to stay. All her instincts must have been telling her to run, but, still, she stayed here in order to protect Rin. Idiot.

"Maybe I am," Rin replied. "Go now so you'll never have to know."

"I can't leave if you're about to let this man kill you!" the girl cried.

Meanwhile, Rin's attention was draw away as the man grabbed a hold of her. The girl screamed and clung onto his arm that held a needle filled with poison. He let out a shout and tried to shake her off, but his needle was throw, instead, landing far off but, remarkably, not breaking. Rin shook her head at the girl's stupidity, but a tender smile played on her lips, thinking of someone else, someone who was just as stupid.

"I hate men," Rin said calmly. "You're as bad as girls are. Really, I guess I hate everyone. Everyone lies, and they expect me to lie, too. I can't lie, though. I don't know anything anymore, so how am I supposed to lie? I can't remember anything, but I know that you're a bad man. I can't do anything else, but at least I can kill you, right?"

The man laughed bitterly. As Rin had spoken, he'd managed to shake off the girl and stab a needle into Rin's arm. She'd felt it, of course, but she'd continued to talk all the same. "I'm not to one who's gonna die, girly."

"Right," laughed Rin flatly. "I get to die, right?"

"That's right," he agreed with a twisted smile that reminded her of someone, someone she couldn't remember.

"Okay, but you'll die with me, right?" she questioned.

"You're one crazy bitch," he snorted. Then, he was cut off, and the sound of a bullet rang through the air. Rin watched him crumple to the ground, lifeless, and stared at the gun in her hand. Stupid man. Too full of himself to notice the gun hidden in her jacket, even when she'd held it against his chest.

The poison had made its way into her veins. She crumpled to the ground beside the man, but she was far from dead. The poison had yet to get to that stage. She stared at the younger girl as she ran up to her and fell to her knees, yelling for help.

Stupid girl, Rin thought. Just let me die. I'm done now.

Rin felt her eyes tear up. An image of a green-haired girl was playing in her mind. She didn't know the girl's significance, but she knew that it was going to make her cry. Please let me be done now.

Rin stared at the girl she'd saved, wishing that she could be the green-haired girl, instead. But the green-haired girl couldn't be saved. Rin had done all she could, but it still hadn't been enough.

Author's Note: If you were confused at any point in this chapter, I was successful :) I wanted to make the style rather confusing for this chapter to match Rin's confusion. Also, Rin's not exactly suicidal, it's just that she's indifferent. And, if you didn't get it, Len lied, sort of. He returned Rin with her memories. However, those memories were taken away over time. See, he knows how in love Rin and Gumi are and knew her love is so powerful that she'd never let Gumi go, so, in order to keep Gumi, he lied and took her memories away, everything about Gumi and everything from the time since she met him. By association, she forgets about Kiyoteru because of his connection to Miku and Gumi. And, I know most people would just run, but I had the girl stay because there are people in the world who would do that. I'd probably be too afraid to do that, but I know some people would. Anyway, next chapter is the last, so awwww :( Oh, also, the poll is currently at a tie so please vote! You can vote for up to two options.