A/N: Sad, sad, sad… But very important.
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Chapter 29: Of Suspicion and Stillness
It was all very suspicious.
That's what Rowan thought when she saw Sirius Black talking to Severus Snape, of all people, in low tones outside of the Great Hall. She was coming into dinner late one evening in early May after a tutoring session ran late and stopped when she saw the two arguing in a corner by the entrance. Sirius had that damned smug smirk, and Snape was looking venomous. She could see from the way they spoke that they were arguing about something, but she couldn't hear what. Eventually, Snape noticed her and gestured to Sirius. He turned and grinned, waving at her, before turning back, saying something final and quick to Snape. He then turned around and strutted over to her. Snape turned on his heel and headed down to the Slytherin dungeons.
"What was that all about?" Rowan asked suspiciously.
Sirius just ran a hand through his hair, confident as ever, and replied, "Oh, the usual – I didn't like the sight of his big nose, and he tried to pick a fight about it."
Rowan had a feeling that he wasn't telling her the truth, but she didn't press it – she'd had enough of his bullying Snape and wanted nothing to do with it at this point. "You should really leave that poor kid alone. He's certainly not a nice guy, but he doesn't deserve all the shit you and James put him through," she said firmly.
Sirius just laughed it off flippantly. "Don't worry about it," he said. "Let's get to dinner. I'm starving!" he finished, grabbing her arm and tugging her into the Great Hall.
In the Common Room later that evening, Rowan eyed Sirius, who was looking way too damn smug for his own good. Remus noticed it as well. "Don't worry about it," he said. "He's probably just planned another dungbomb attack on Mrs. Norris or something."
Remus' reassurances didn't appease the nagging feeling in her, but she pushed it to the back of her mind when she saw his pale complexion. She appraised his appearance and saw the tired circles beneath his eyes and almost dazed expression on his face. The full moon was in a couple of days, and he was looking worse for wear. He noticed her concerned look and smiled gently at her.
"Stop your worrying, Winnie. I'm fine," he said softly. "Nothing I'm not used to by now," he added with a smile, and her chest constricted.
She reached out to brush a particularly rogue strand of gray hair out of his face and ran her hand along the scar on his jaw, committing his features to memory. "I'll always worry," she said softly.
He sighed at the feel of her hand and closed his eyes for a moment before looking at her again gently. "I don't know what I'd do without you," he said quietly. She smiled at him sincerely and leaned in, kissing him softly with as much sincerity as she could muster.
Two nights later, Rowan tossed and turned in bed. She'd been feeling uneasy since she'd seen Sirius and Snape talking outside the Great Hall, as Sirius had been looking more and more smug over the past couple of days, but she couldn't be sure why it bothered her so much. Sirius had frequently looked smug over his dumb pranks on poor Severus Snape, but something about this reeked of suspicion to her, and when Remus kissed her goodbye to leave for his transformation, a cold fear ripped through her.
She sat up in bed and scanned over her room. Her roommates were all dead asleep, but she couldn't seem to find peace of mind. She looked to the window and saw the full moon hanging low in the sky. It glowed beautifully, but ever since she'd discovered Remus' secret it always held a sense of dread for her. She noted sadly that he probably couldn't remember seeing a single full moon, and her chest constricted.
Where was he tonight? He'd told her over a year ago of the Shrieking Shack and the incredible lengths that the Marauders had gone to in order to help him, but she still would look out the window on the night of the full moon every month and wonder if he was okay running through the Forbidden Forest with his friends.
Her worrying had lessened this past year, but there was something about this night that made the hair stand on the back of her neck. She wanted to see Remus so desperately that it hurt. Sleep didn't overcome her until she saw the first cracks of dawn on the horizon, and her last coherent thought was that she'd look for Remus first thing in the morning.
When Rowan arrived in the Great Hall for breakfast, she didn't expect to see Remus, as he usually slept in on those mornings. She was, however, surprised to see the Marauders, who were up surprisingly early considering their late night. They were all huddled together speaking in low hushed tones when she arrived, and as she sat down they shot apart, looking pale and guilty about something.
"What's up with you three?" she said slowly, eyeing them suspiciously while reaching for some coffee, slipping into a seat next to Sirius.
When they didn't respond, she looked up and saw that none of them would make eye contact with her. She then noticed James' rolled up sleeve revealing a white wrapping of gauzy bandages along his arm with small splotches of red seeping through. Rowan felt her blood freeze.
"Did he do that to you?" she whispered, not daring to believe. The Marauders had frequently come back from full moon nights with scratches and injuries, but never anything so terrible as the gash along James' arm. The three boys shared pained, guilty looks but said nothing. Rowan looked between them searchingly, scanning over their faces for some semblance of an explanation.
"Well?" she asked. Her voice sounded strangely hysterical. "Is someone going to answer me?"
Finally, Sirius looked up, and she held his gaze, looking at him beseechingly.
"I did something incredibly stupid, Rowan."
Rowan skipped all of her classes that day. She spent the morning scouring the castle for Remus, starting in Gryffindor Tower, then the Hospital Wing, then the library, and then any other part of the castle that she could think of. She couldn't find him anywhere, and she was on the verge of tears, frantic with the need to see him, to touch him.
Her blood boiled when she recalled what Sirius had told her about what he'd done. She'd slapped him hard across the face in front of everyone at breakfast, choking back hot tears and a sob that she felt bubbling in the back of her throat before running out of the Great Hall to look for Remus. He called Remus his friend – his brother! How could he do something so cruel? The very thought of Sirius Black made her shake with anger, and she wondered bitterly if she could ever truly call him her friend again.
Finally, she remembered a spot that she'd forgotten to check and ran out of the castle into the grounds. Running down hills and around trees, she finally found him, sitting alone on their usual hillside spot, looking smaller than she'd ever seen him. He had his legs pulled to his chest and face buried in his knees. He was so still, and Rowan was reminded of that frozen look he'd had the night she'd revealed that she knew his secret.
She slowed to a steady walk, vaguely aware that she'd been running and was actually quite out of breath. As she approached him, she made sure that her steps were audible as to not startle him, but he didn't move. When she finally reached him, she fell to her knees in front of him and reached out a hand to touch his arm gently. He didn't move for many moments but finally raised his head to look at her.
His eyes were red, and his cheeks were glistening with tears. The lines beneath his eyes looked deeper than they'd ever been, and she had to bite down the sob that shook through her – it wouldn't be right for her to cry when he needed her now more than ever.
"Remus, I-" she began but didn't know how to finish her thought. Desperate frustration filled her, and when she realized that she couldn't find the words, she reached forward and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, cradling his head against her chest. He remained still for another long period of time before slowly moving his hands up to cling to her back desperately, and she felt a sob shake through him that he tried to push back before succumbing to them and cried hotly against her, tears bubbling and shoulders shaking violently.
"I could have killed him!" he cried. "I could have killed him!"
Rowan couldn't stop the tears from escaping now, and she let them flow freely, quietly, as she held him to her, running one hand up and down his back and the other threading through his hair. She saw just how gray the strands between her fingers had been turning and could feel a few particularly large scars through his shirt, and her heart ached knowing that she could do nothing to protect this beautiful boy. She cursed violently inside at whatever cruel forces could've allowed any of this to happen to such a good person.
Finally, his shaking subsided, but she continued to rock slightly, rubbing him comfortingly. When his breathing had finally steadied to a calm rhythm, he pulled away from her slightly, and when he raised his eyes to hers, she saw such a burning ferocity there that she felt weak, slightly ashamed that she couldn't hold it together for him. She held his face, thumbing away the last remnants of tears then along his various scars. She leaned forward and kissed the one on his upper lip gently, and she felt his hands fist in her shirt at her back.
When she pulled back, his eyes were still burning. "Rowan," he croaked, but then it looked as if he didn't know how to continue.
She shook her head. "No, it's okay," she assured him softly. "You don't need to say anything."
Conflict swirled in his face, but eventually he closed his eyes and leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers. They stayed holding each other silently until the sun started to hang low in the sky.
"Let's go back," Rowan whispered, pulling back to look at him.
Remus kept his gaze downward and shook his head sadly. "I can't go back in there. I can't face them," he whispered.
Rowan scoured her mind for a place they could possibly go to be alone and stumbled across an idea that should've been obvious from the start – the Room of Requirement.
"I know where to go," she said softly. He looked up at her beseechingly. "Trust me," she said, pulling him to his feet.
