Luckily, I still had Hope's car seat from when Snow asked me to watch her when Neal was sick. I buckled Hope in tight and drove home, where I could spend the next two hours with my baby before Emma comes over to take her back home for the night.
"Okay baby girl, we're home," I mumble as I kick the door closed behind me and toss my keys onto the side table.
Hope is the least bit interested in what I have to say because my sparkling silver necklace is fascinating her mind right now. I cradle the back of her head and kiss her forehead before walking swiftly into the living room. I magic a soft blanket on the floor and bend down to place Hope on it so she can play, but she tightens her legs around my waist, refusing to leave my arms.
I smile at my baby and decide to sit down on the blanket myself. I rest my back against my couch and pull my knees up to keep Hope balanced in my lap. My fingers move to their own accord, sweeping her dark tresses to the side and smiling brightly as she continues to play with my necklace.
"I know you already have a mommy, actually I'm not even sure what Emma calls herself around you, mommy? Momma? Mom?" Hope resumes yanking on my chain lightly, uninterested in what I have to say.
"Anyways, I know you don't know me, but I'm your mother too. I can be, momma, if Emma didn't claim that name yet," I softly whisper in the space between us and watch as big brown eyes blink up to meet mine.
"Hi baby girl," I softly coo and admire the way her lips curl into a giddy grin that is the spitting image of Emma. "You're so stinking cute, I could eat you up," I gush, cupping her pudgy cheeks and kissing the tip of her nose.
"I wonder if you even have a middle name?" I ramble on, allowing my necklace to steal my daughter's attention again.
"I'm going to kill your mother if she named you after Snow," I playfully tease. "I'm sure she did, but that's okay, I love that woman. Just don't ever tell her that, okay? That's our first secret together."
Hope babbles as she tugs harder on my chain, attempting to gobble up the necklace. "No, no, Hope," I gently say, removing the chain from her tight grasp.
I lean over toward her diaper bag and rustle through the items until I find some of her chew toys. "How about this one?" I offer a tan monkey with little rubber hands and feet to help soothe her itchy gums.
She bounces animatedly and quickly reaches for her toy. She hastily shoves the rubber piece into her mouth and babbles happily around it. I smile back at her and just take a second to revel in this moment with my daughter. My daughter.
"Does mommy sing to you?" Hope's baby garble continues, but her big brown eyes are focused on my face this time. "Do you like Wheels on the Bus?" Hope squirms and bounces more in my lap while I hold her little sides in place. "How about Itsy Bitsy Spider?" Hope removes the monkey from her mouth and shakes him violently before tossing him to the floor.
"I hate that I don't know anything about you, but I promise that's all going to change," I promise, stealing another kiss from her forehead.
XXXXXXXXX
"Hey," Emma timidly greets me as she steps across my threshold. "Hi, Hope," she ecstatically acknowledges our daughter, her entire face lighting up with Hope's mirroring the same expression. Emma holds out her hands and our daughter leaps from my embrace into her other mother's. "Hi my sweet girl," she gushes, peppering her cheek with forceful kisses that produce the sweetest baby giggles.
I softly close the door behind them and curse myself for feeling so spiteful that Emma's going to take my daughter away this evening. I don't blame her, I don't, because Hope is accustomed to her home at Emma's house. That's the only place she knows and it wouldn't be right to force her to sleep in this strange house with me, who is practically a stranger as well. I just hate this situation. I thought if Emma and I ever shared a baby again, we would all be under one roof.
"I'm just finishing up making dinner, it's a chopped chicken salad, but I figured you would be hungry after work," I nonchalantly inform her as I saunter back into the kitchen.
Emma rests Hope upon her hip and follows my lead through the house. "Thank you. I would love some. I'm starving. We were so busy today with paperwork that I didn't really have time to eat lunch."
"I was just about to give her a bottle as well."
"I can feed her while you finish up with dinner."
"Sure."
I'm struggling to catch my breath, such undeniable nerves about what is about to transpire between us. It's all so amicable right now because we are both being polite and nice to avoid a fight, but I know this won't last long. I can only assume she wants to tear my head off for not listening to her from the beginning and ultimately abandoning her.
My posture is as straight as a pole as I shuffle toward my kitchen island and continue chopping the ingredients to my salad, not at all thinking about the time Emma was suffering from morning sickness at this very island.
Emma swiftly snatches up the bottle and makes herself comfortable in the same chair she always claims when she's in my kitchen. She props one leg up against the counter and easily adjusts Hope before slipping the bottle between her lips.
"How did you warm up the breast milk?" She suddenly asks, taking me by surprise because she didn't ask the last time I watched Hope.
"I placed your packet in a bowl of hot water."
"Oh good. I wasn't sure since I assume Henry was strictly formula."
"He was," I cordially respond and focus on the steady rhythm of my blade connecting with the wooden board below.
The adorable sucking noises coming from Hope's baby lips fill the air and somehow loosen the tension just the slightest between Emma and I.
"How was she?"
"An angel," I breathe out with an involuntary smile sliding into place. "She was only here for two hours though," I sadly add on and hate how needy I'm already sounding, but I just found out she is mine and I don't want to let her go just yet.
"I offered for you to take her this morning," she sing songs not to disrupt our baby, but I can still hear the underlining layer of, I told you so.
"I know," I exhale slowly and try to push my irritation away.
"Well why didn't you take her this morning?" She's still calm and I know it's only for Hope's sake.
"I-I don't know," I mutter under my breath and distract myself by arranging my ingredients into a bowl.
"Come on, Regina, you and I both know that's bull. Just tell me," she urges from behind me.
"I don't know..." I deflate, knowing my best option is to just be honest with her. "Maybe it was a combination of things."
"Like..." she prompts for me to continue.
I slowly turn around and lean against my counter, folding my arms securely over my chest. Hope is still drinking away, her hands clasped around her bottle to help her mother keep it upright and I smile instantly.
"Well, I really felt out of place picking up Hope from Hook after everything the three of us have been through. Not to mention, the shame and guilt facing him, knowing that he has been there since day one for Hope and I haven't been." Already the tears are swelling again.
"Regina, as much as it sucks that you weren't there, honestly, I just want to move passed it. I don't want to dwell on it because we have more important things to take care of now. Hope is here and I just think she should be our main concern."
"Yes, I understand Hope comes first now, but aren't you livid with how things turned out? Emma, I missed your entire pregnancy, her birth, her first smile, her first," I choke on my own horrifying words as the tears rapidly fill my eyes again, but Emma is already stepping in.
"I have every moment documented. I swear I have taken at least one picture a day for the last five months. I'm probably compensating for not having pictures of myself and for missing out on Henry's childhood, but I just want to make sure I don't miss a thing. My mother recorded her first bath in the hospital and so much more. I have it all waiting for you."
I quickly brush away the tears that are slowly cascading freely down my cheeks, wondering if this immense amount of guilt will ever drift away.
"How are you not so angry with me, I can hardly look at myself in the mirror," I whisper as my eyes soak up my daughter, finishing up her bottle.
Emma inhales sharply as she slowly pulls the bottle away from Hope's thin little lips. She sets the bottle down and I quickly snatch it up as a distraction, rinsing it out in the sink. Emma lifts Hope up and slowly pats her back as she contemplates how she would like to respond or lash out for all her pent up frustrations.
"Look Regina, I was furious when Whale told me how far along I was, because I knew my baby was apart of you and you were gone. Never to be seen or heard from again. I'm not going to lie, I struggled, I was livid, hormonal, frustrated and just a mess. But, I went to Archie and during my entire pregnancy I was in therapy and he helped, a lot. I just don't see the point in continuing to dwell on that anymore. It's over, it's done with and I need to focus on the future. Five months of her life without you is nothing compared to the next fifty plus years, right?"
"I suppose," I quietly respond, still full of shame and regret.
"Can we just try and move forward? I have a bunch of pictures for you and videos and obviously I'll tell you anything you want to know, but I would like to focus on our future."
"Okay, how about we sit down for dinner and we can discuss our plans for Hope," I suggest.
I quickly conjure the highchair I used last time for Hope and begin plating our salads while Emma straps our daughter inside. Emma places a few toys on Hope's tray while I set down our dinner and pour myself a glass of water and a Sprite for Emma. We finally sit down and reality pounds hard against my chest when I realize we are sitting down as a family.
Emma and I are both painfully silent and I can only assume she's panicking deep inside like I am. The tension is slowly thickening between us, creating a wall that neither one of us is sure how to move around. Hope thankfully giggles and helps ease the palpable tension as she bangs her rattle against the tray.
"Easy Hope," Emma softly, but still firmly instructs as she carefully stills our daughter's fierce arm.
Hope glares at her mother for a moment, internally debating if she wants to push her mother's buttons or obey. I smirk to myself knowing that with mine and Emma's qualities combined, this little girl is really going to be a handful.
"So," Emma begins around a forkful of mixed ingredients.
"As much as I would love to have Hope on the weekends, I do understand that wouldn't be right. She hardly knows me and I don't want to uproot her from her home," I start to explain, setting my fork down so Emma knows how sincere I am.
She nods along, rushing to chew and swallow her bite. "Right. I know she already adores you and feels comfortable around you, that much is obvious," she confirms, eyeing our daughter with a soft smile playing at her lips. "But I think we should have her become more accustomed to your house before sleepovers."
"I agree," and I do, wholeheartedly, but that doesn't relieve the ache beating down on my thumping heart.
"Since I've had Hope, you obviously know I've been working weekends and I have Monday's and Tuesday's off for sitter purposes. You have weekends off so I could drop her off Saturday and Sunday mornings on my way to work and then pick her up like an hour before her bedtime, if that works for you." She shrugs as she focuses on her dinner again.
"What about during the week?"
"Well, you work Monday through Friday and like I said I'm already off Monday's and Tuesday's."
"Well, what about on Wednesday's? Can I pick her up for a few hours after work? Until her bedtime?"
"Oh, umm," Emma swallows thickly as she buries herself with wiping her mouth. She slowly, very slowly sips her drink as she mulls over my request. "Yeah," she weakly agrees, "that could work."
"Why are you so uncomfortable?" I inquire, leaning further into the table, over my untouched meal.
"No, it's not that. I-I just...I've had Hope to myself for five months, I just need to get used to the idea of sharing her, that's all."
"Trust me, I understand, completely," I sympathize with conviction, because of course I remember how it felt when I had Henry all to myself for ten years and then out of nowhere I was forced to share him.
"I-I know," her eyes flick to mine for a split second as shame washes over her. "I'm sorry for that. I really am. I get it now, I really do."
"Emma, relax, we are so far passed that time in our lives. After a year or so, we figured things out with Henry and looked how well our coparenting turned out."
"You're right, but I am sorry."
"Thank you for the sentiment."
We both nod, words failing us for the moment as we think about how the tables have turned in our lives. We focus on eating, wordlessly, just Hope's baby babbles filling the air.
"So," Emma finally cracks through the tension as we finish up our last bites. "Uh, can we talk about the whole true love thing?"
"I think we should just focus on figuring things out right now with Hope."
"I know, but I'm just curious, like where do you land on all of that?" She nervously questions, fiddling with the napkin in her lap.
"I think that it's...well...unexpected."
"Yeah," she murmurs, her eyes and fingers fascinated with that damn napkin. "Kinda crazy, huh?"
"Yes, I'm sure your mother is having a field day, her daughter was destined for her enemy," I flatly reply as Emma just snorts.
"It's an epic story, that's for sure." I just hum this time in response, not quite sure where this topic is headed and truthfully I rather avoid. I don't think my heart can take anymore heartbreak right now. "Do you think, maybe, we could work on us. Maybe some family dinners? Maybe even you and I can spend some time together?"
My eyes flutter closed as I slowly exhale because this is exactly what I wanted to ignore right now. We are getting along so well and now she wants to dig up old wounds that are just going to bleed out hopelessly once again.
"I just don't think that's a good idea."
"Seriously?"
"Yes," I breathlessly whisper as I move to clear our plates, hoping to end this conversation.
However, Emma is abruptly to her feet and stalking me toward my kitchen sink. My back tenses when I hear her clumpy boots angrily following behind.
"So, what you're never going to give us another try? After everything?" She bitterly accuses, but I don't bother peering over my shoulder because I know I'll find the hurt and rejection pulsating in those enticing eyes.
"Emma," I sigh heavily, placing the dishes in the sink, still avoiding her gaze at all costs. "I've waited so long for you and when I finally had the opportunity it fell apart-"
"But that wasn't my fault!" She hastily interjects.
"I know that now, but for the past ten years, I've been trying to piece myself back together and it's been the hardest task I've ever been faced with." My shoulders slump in defeat and I pause, pleading with those pesky tears to just stay away so I can get through this without expressing how much she still affects me. "My heart can't take anymore pain. I'm not ready to risk going through that torture again. I'm sorry, but my main priority right now is our daughter," I firmly state, even through I can distinctly hear the waver in my own voice.
"You're so selfish," she mutters under her breath as she steps away from my side.
"I'm selfish?" I laugh humorlessly, shaking my head at the audacity after everything I thought I was sacrificing for her and her baby.
"Yes, by avoiding a relationship you're just denying me my own happiness," she angrily replies, unbuckling Hope from her highchair and lifting her to rest upon her hip.
"Don't you dare accuse me of being selfish after I denied my own happiness for yours, multiple times," I remind her, pointedly narrowing my eyes at her.
"It's fine Regina, I'm done trying with you. I am so sick and tired of constantly chasing you when you just want to drown in your own loneliness. Every time I fight for you, for us, you reject me and push me further away," she coldly remarks, but in the calmest voice, conscience not to startle our daughter.
Emma storms off toward the living room, whirling around the room like a tornado, collecting Hope's belongings and shoving them into her bag with one hand.
"Well, congratulations Regina, you finally pushed me away," she sasses, slinging the diaper bag upon her shoulder.
"I'm not trying to push you away, I would like to have a civilized relationship so we can coparent properly for Hope," I strongly rebuttal, not wanting to end the night on a bad note which will only further damage our future encounters.
"Don't worry, I have no problem coparenting with you, I've done it once, I can do it again," she smugly replies, the insinuation that I am the culprit in all of this.
"Emma, will you please calm down a moment?" I urge as my frustrations slowly get the best of me.
"I really need to leave," she stresses as she carries Hope to the door with me following like a pitiful little puppy pleading with their own not to walk out that door and leave them behind. "I need to give Hope a bath and put her down for bed," she sternly declares, not once looking back in my direction.
When she reaches the door, I move to open it for her, but she is far too irritated and emotional to allow the gesture. She yanks open the door and my heart leaps up to my throat knowing what's to come.
"Wait, will you at least let me say goodbye?" I exasperate as Hope's big brown eyes wander over her mother's shoulder to meet mine.
Emma exhales slowly and leans Hope in my direction. "Of course," she softly replies as I quickly snatch up my daughter.
Immediately, I place Hope against my chest and rest my lips upon her head. I breathe in her calming baby scent and try my hardest to memorize this moment. My baby girl nuzzles closer into my chest and we both breathe out a small sigh that melts my heart instantly.
My eyes flick toward her other mother, discovering the conflicting torment etching into Emma's face. It's so clear how she's torn between scowling back at me and smiling at the beautiful scene between her daughter and her other mother.
I sigh, place one last kiss to my baby's head and gently hand her over to Emma again. "I'll, uh, get those photos ready for Wednesday," she mumbles as she settles Hope back onto her hip.
"Thank you, I'd greatly appreciate them."
"Mmhmm."
"Bye Hope," I softly coo and wave, hoping one day soon she might mimic the action.
"Goodnight, Regina."
"Goodnight, Emma," I gently reciprocate as I watch her carry our daughter away, only causing more inflicting damage to my heart.
