The following day, they set for a day at the beach, at one secret place Chloe and Beca had discovered years ago, when they moved into the city, where the media had never been able to find them. That's how they found out the voice had spread quite quickly about Beca losing her temper and punching a woman that was also playing the victim, when Beca's manager called her while they were preparing the bags, early that morning, to spend the day out.
"I'm telling you, that woman hit my daughter, she hit my six year old without a reason, not that there is ever justification to hit a child, and threw her to the ground, I should be the one calling my lawyers to put a formal complaint against her, not otherwise" Beca was talking into her phone five minutes into the call, as Chloe started pulling their eight-seats minivan out of their garage's entryway and into the road. Chloe threw her a side smile in a conspiratorial way. Chloe was driving, it was her minivan after all, and Beca was right beside her. Behind them were three seats, occupied only the ones by the windows with two kids in their special seats for children, one was Noah, and the other Kamara. Behind them, another three seats were, and this time, Aubrey sat in the middle, between Elizabeth and Micah, who was enjoying the change of seats. That way the adults were perfectly distributed to attend the children's needs during the trip. Beca sighed into her phone "You know what? That's exactly what I should do, and I am going to get that done pretty soon, nobody touched my kid and leaves just like that, the last one who tried was killed by the amazing lion I married. Move your ass, don't throw my family into the wolves because if that happens, blood is going to spill and it won't be mine. Look, I gotta go, I have a family day to enjoy, so we'll talk later. Bye." She hung up and looked back to Beth "Beth sweetheart, what do you think if we put an official denounce against the bad woman who pushed you?" Beth shrugged.
"Mom, you already punched her, why do anything more?" Beth asked.
"Because…" Beca thought a second, and sighed "It's okay, we'll talk about it in another time alright? Now, it's time for family fun, the Mitchells and aunt and godmother Swanson!" she said excitedly, and turned the radio on right on time for one of her mixes to reverberate in the car.
Five minutes later, she was grinning seeing Chloe and Aubrey sing their hearts out to the radio with all their energies, which Beca loved, and mostly she was completely in love with seeing Chloe singing her heart out in the car, the happiness in her face, how she sometimes looked at Beca when she could without crashing the car and she really meant the lyrics, how her tanned arms showed, with her muscles and all, and she was so beautiful with that bum and the summer dress, and her bikini under it. In moments like that, it would take a huge effort to avoid happiness.
"Ain't falling apart, or bitter, let's be bigger than that and remember, the cooling outdoor when you're all alone, we'll go on surviving. No drama, no need for a show. Just wanna say, I got you. Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright. Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright and when you need a place to run to for better or worse, I got you. Go ahead and say goodbye (go ahead), I'll be alright (say goodbye), go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright and when you need a place to run to, for better or worse, I got you. 'Cause this is love and life and nothing we can both control and if it don't feel right, you're not losing me by letting me know. Go ahead and say goodbye (say goodbye). I'll be alright. Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright and when you need a place to run to, for better or worse, I got you" the children were also enjoying it a lot, although Noah had somehow found the way to fall asleep, and were pretty happy with it. The song ended, and Beca peeked looking to her children between her seat and Chloe's.
"And that my dear children, is mamma's and mine's marriage put together in a song" she joked, and some children and Aubrey laughed, while Chloe smiled and slapped her arm playfully.
"Sit correctly Mitchell, it makes me nervous having you in that position." Chloe asked, and Beca smiled satisfied sitting back "Plus, a hundred of Leona Lewis resume up our lives. We could communicate only using her lyrics." She joked, and Beca giggled, nodding.
Noah was still wearing off his stomach bug, and although he didn't showed fever anymore, sometimes he was fuzzy after meals, or cried a bit, or threw up some of the food, because his stomach still hurt a little, but his syrup and snuggling always helped with that. A couple hours later they were in that exact situation, when they had just had lunch at a terrace in the beach and Chloe was rocking their one year old, who was crying after having thrown up part of his food.
"He looks more like you now that he's older" Aubrey commented looking at Beca while they finished their desserts and Chloe hugged Noah to her chest.
"Micah has inherited much more from me, but still, Noah is a lot like my brother" Beca said "gestures and stuff. But we'll see when he's older, right little goblin?" Beca smiled at Noah, who was red from crying, but was slightly calmer than five minutes earlier.
"He's momma's boy" Chloe smiled "He wants you I think."
"Well, he's going to have to learn to appreciate mamma just as much, because my work keeps me more time away from home than yours and he's gonna suffer" Beca stroke Noah's belly "Chlo, his stomach is hard again, so he'll probably do number two a bit loose again. Maybe he needs to throw up again." She caressed his cheek, and Noah looked up at Chloe with wet eyes.
They decided to go to the sand and lie down or bath calmly at their place. They put the towels, and the children immediately jumped into the water, except Kai, who preferred trying to build a castle with Beca. Aubrey and Chloe sat on the towels with Noah, who wasn't crying but was visibly uncomfortable.
"So many years and it still surprises me how good she is with children" Aubrey commented while they watched Beca try to stop water from coming into their castle while Kai quickly made a lake to the castle so the water would fall there and not destroy their creation.
"She surprises me too every day. Children, wife… she does many amazing things" Chloe smiled. Kamara was very happy when the plan worked and the lake was done, and Beca, who didn't care about flashing her scars, that could be quite scary to see being honest, and was more freely wearing a bikini just like the other women, took her daughter up throwing her to the air and catching her. They could hear both their laughs, and then Micah and Beth came, and the four of them engaged into some kind of game that consisted in Beth running away and them catching her by jumping over her and throwing her to the sand, and then tickling her until they could hear Beca begging to breathe.
They spent quite a good afternoon there, and when the children got tired of the water, they all sat on the towels playing cards. Chloe was still taking care of Noah, and when she noticed he was about to start crying again, she went to look for Beca.
"Bec, Noah's hurting" Chloe said, and Beca nodded, taking Noah up in her arms, and walking slowly around the beach with him. Chloe didn't know how she did it, but it was a tactic that Beca always used with success.
"So you're a bit overwhelmed and upset, uh?" Beca hugged Noah to her chest. Beca sat on the shore, the water reaching her breasts, and sat Noah on her lap, hugging him to her tightly "Noah, tell me what's wrong buddy, you already speak a bit. Talk to momma."
"Momma" he cried "Momma!"
"I'm here love, and I'm never going anywhere." They sat, just enjoying the calm and the water, and Beca was humming some pretty song, and Noah's eyes were closing, until he finally fell asleep. Beca went back to Chloe, who wrapped them both in towels, and they sat there until it was too cold and they decided it was time to go back home. However, as Chloe was approaching their house, all children asleep, she frowned.
"What the hell?" she grunted. Beca, eyes opened widely. Their house, or their whole street for that matter, was surrounded by cameras, and press "The bitch denounced us" she whispered, looking at Chloe "that's why they're here."
"Beca, there's no way we can put inside four sleeping children without them taking photos" Chloe said.
"Didn't you say they were never this invading?" Aubrey asked.
"And they weren't. Chloe, don't stop, just keep driving around the neighborhood, I'll call police and my manager" they did so, and Beca then called her lawyer to make sure to present a formal complaint first thing in the morning, as the night was already falling over them, against the woman who had pushed Beth and then denounced them. When they went back to the house for the second time, after driving around the neighborhood for an hour, some local cops were clearing the street and there were only a few press guys near their door, so they went into their garage's entryway, that, like their whole territory, was enclosed, and they quickly carried their children into the house, trying not to wake them up. When they were safe from the press, Beca was already fuming "I'm gonna end this crap right now, do I have your consent to tell them what actually happened to our baby?" Beca said looking at Chloe, who was just upset, and gave her a nod.
Like Beca expected, in the other side of their frontal yard, right behind their fences' door, there were some press guys, not as much as before, but just enough. Beca had already pulled a jacket on and looked reasonably pissed off, as the opened the fence's door and stepped into the street. Press immediately started popping questions and making photos.
"Beca, did you hit an innocent woman because their daughter didn't want to play with Beth?"
"Beca, are you a violent woman?"
"Beca, do you know she presented a formal complaint against you?"
"Beca…"
Beca shook her head and raised a hand so they would shut up. The flashes only put her in a worse mood.
"Look guys, you want to know what happened? I'll tell you what happened. My six year old daughter Beth was talking with some kid, when the kid's mother hit my daughter without a reason, making her fall to the ground and cry. My wife and I demanded some kind of explanation for that deplorable behavior, but the woman blamed our child, saying she was, and I quote withholding her child from playing, when the child was willingly talking to our child and wasn't upset at all. This woman then proceeded trying to make my wife and I look like bad mothers accusing us of not paying enough attention to our child, that by the way is quite happy with her family" Beca explained in a bad mood "So yeah, of course I punched her, and I would do it again. Anybody hurts my family and then just walks away without a scratch, my daughter was sad, hurt, and shocked after having been taught that she had to look for an adult's help when needed and then having an adult hit and insult her without a reason, even though that behavior never has a valid excuse, so of course I stepped to protect her like I swore her I would when we first learned that we were gonna have her. She has unfairly presented a formal complaint, and mine is on its way to be presented to because this is inexcusable. This said, I hope you can all leave us alone, because one thing is that you come after me, and another is bothering a child in her own house, and I won't think twice about taking legal measures to protect my family if I have to. Have a good night" she nodded once as a goodbye, and then got into her garden again, and into the house.
"Beth is crying" Aubrey said from the bottom of the stairs "she woke up when Chloe was taking her to her bedroom, and saw the media outside from her window. She knows this is about her."
Beca ran upstairs and heard crying in her bedroom, so she went there and saw Chloe sitting on the bed with Beth, hugging her tightly as the girl cried.
"This is not your fault honey, you did nothing wrong" Chloe was saying "You are such a good kid, and a good daughter, you did absolutely nothing wrong, and we will fix this mess."
Beca sat on the bed next to them and put an arm around Chloe's back and a hand stroking Beth's hair.
"Tomorrow it will all be okay Beth. You're home, nothing can hurt you here."
That night, Beca and Chloe were hugging in bed, snuggled until they were practically one same person with eight articulations. Avery had decided to sleep on their bed that day, so they had her company too.
"Chlo, are you awake?" Chloe giggled.
"Do you think I could hug you this strongly in my sleep?" Chloe whispered, and Beca smiled moving so she could kiss her.
"Are you happy?" Chloe opened her eyes.
"Of course Bec. I couldn't be happier. You?"
"Yes" Beca snuggled into her embrace closer "I could be happier, but I'm also happier than I ever thought I would be. Saying yes to you was the best freakin decision…" Chloe smiled kissing her cheek.
"The complaints thing… it will be fixed, right?"
"It will be before the school year starts again, Chlo."
"Beca" Chloe whispered next to Beca's ear "You're the best."
"I married you after all." Then, Noah started crying, and Chloe got up and carried him to the bed, lying him between them "He is feverish again" Beca commented kissing his forehead.
"Why isn't the syrup working?" Chloe asked.
"It made him feel somehow better, but not completely. It'll be okay Chlo, kids get sick all the time" Beca tried to convince themselves "Noah honey, what's wrong?" she asked sweetly kissing the baby's forehead.
"Does it hurt here, baby?" Chloe asked pressing softly with a finger on his belly, and he nodded while sobbing "Yeah, it's a bit swollen. Let's give him his syrup and tomorrow we'll see the pediatrician again." Chloe said moving to the nightstand where they had the syrup, and Beca held him while she gave it to him "Sh… it's alright Noah, this will hopefully help a bit."
Five minutes later, however, he wasn't crying any less, so, anguished, Beca and Chloe took their little midget to the music room and sat on the sofa there with him, singing softly and trying to calm him down a bit. After fifteen more minutes, they got him to calm down and stop crying, but then, he wouldn't fall asleep, so they moved to the puzzle rug in the living room and lied there playing with the kid until the sun raised, and then, Aubrey found them almost asleep. Well, Chloe had finally falling asleep, she had been the first one to wake up that morning after all, and she was now hugging Noah, who lied between them, while Beca stroke her hair and kept a hand on Noah, who had his thumb in his mouth and was wide awake.
"What the hell happened here?" Aubrey asked kneeling on the floor next to them.
"My child won't fall asleep. He cried for twenty minutes last night, and he had a fever, and his belly hurt, and now he won't fall asleep" Beca explained "Poor Chlo fell asleep two minutes ago."
"I'm awake" Chloe muttered more asleep than awake "I'm… just… resting my… eyes…"
"Just sleep honey, it's alright" Beca smiled sleepily at her.
"Okay, you two up to bed, I'll take care of the goblins" Aubrey said, picking Noah up and rocking him.
"Aubrey you're a sweet angel sent from heaven, seriously" Beca got up and helped Chloe get up on her feet. Aubrey smirked.
"I know, that's why I'm the godmother."
A bit more than an hour later, Aubrey, however, was waking them up.
"What?" Chloe asked, and then sighed when she heard Noah crying again. She opened her eyes and saw Aubrey sitting on their bed rocking Noah.
"Again?" Beca sat up.
"Listen, his fever is quite high, you should take him to the doctor now. I can babysit the others" Aubrey said. Beca was already throwing some hoodie on, and Chloe got up and caressed Noah's face. He was really hot "I tried to give him breakfast, but he threw it up. Maybe it's just gastroenteritis getting tricky, but I wouldn't risk it."
"Thanks Aubrey" Beca threw Chloe a hoodie, which she took.
"By the way, Beca, your lawyer called. He told me to tell you the complaint is done, and that the other woman's lawyer had called and wanted you all to meet and fix things before they got to judge's eyes. I told him Noah was sick and you probably wouldn't be able to go, but you should call him."
"Thanks, I'll call him later. Come on, let's go."
"He what?" Forty five minutes later, they stood next to the pediatrician's consult's bed where Noah was lying crying while the doctor examined him.
"His appendix has burst" the doctor explained while looking at the X-Rays he had just performed on the baby "You say another doctor told you he had gastroenteritis?"
"Yeah, he was seen first in Florida because we were on vacation… so he had appendicitis all this time?" Chloe couldn't look more anguished if she tried. The doctor nodded.
"I'm afraid I have to prepare him for surgery immediately, it looks like the infection has already spread too much and we can't wait."
"Okay" Beca nodded "How does this work, can we stay with him?"
"I'm afraid not" the doctor said "I'll start him on antibiotics with an IV while an OR gets ready, and then we'll take him, but you can wait here and I'll let you know when it's over so you can come and see him. He'll be under general anesthesia, we'll perform a laparoscope, so we won't have to open him much, just a tiny incision over here" he pointed in his belly "and the most important thing right now is to keep him in antibiotics so the infection doesn't spread anymore." While he explained this, a nurse was already putting him an IV, and Chloe tried to soothe him while the IV was inserted. Beca had her arms crossed over her chest standing next to Noah and Chloe while contemplating the doctor with a worried expression "Noah will have to stay in the hospital for a week or so afterwards, until he recovers completely." Beca nodded, and the doctor gave her three hospital bracelets and a pen "I need you to write your son's name on them, and you and your wife can wear the bigger ones, and you can put the smaller one on Noah's wrist. In the meantime, I'll go to get everything ready, wait here and I'll come when it's ready. It will be half an hour at the very most, but he'll be okay with the antibiotics."
Waiting for Noah to get out of surgery was pure torture. His two mothers were on the verge of tears constantly, and Chloe finally let them out when Aubrey came all worried after leaving the kids with their super nice neighbors, the Hannigans. The two of them sat patiently, while Beca abandoned the chair and started walking errands around the room, too stressed to sit down. Finally, after some hours, Noah's doctor came and took them to another room, where Noah was sleeping peacefully in a bed all too big for him, attached to a couple IVs. The doctor told them the surgery had gone smoothly and that they would wait a few days until giving him the good to go, so the infection would heal and the fever go down. Chloe sat on an armchair next to the bed and her eyes watered again as she took one of Noah's minuscule hands between her own hands, careful not to move his IV, and kissed his cheek. Beca stood next to the bed with Aubrey, taking in what her eyes were seeing. The room was quite small, and was decorated like a normal children bedroom, with a window that leaded to the corridors, and with many colored animals and stuff. Noah seemed so small, and was a little pale, but Beca was happy not to see him crying again. Aubrey pulled Noah's reindeer out of her purse and put it carefully next to Noah on his bed, and stroked his cheek tenderly. Beca's legs finally reacted and she moved to cover Noah's face with light kisses, and then she went to Chloe and knelt on the floor next to her, stroking her arm. Chloe looked at her with teary eyes.
"Noah's okay. He's gonna be completely fine and home soon, you'll see" Beca said, putting a tiny smile and caressing Chloe's cheek, removing her tears. Chloe nodded.
"He's just so young, so small" Chloe whispered, and Beca gave her a nod.
"I know. But he's quite strong, he has proven it since he was born" Beca reminded her.
"He won't feel bad anymore, right?" Chloe asked.
"Maybe he does, from the surgery, but it won't be as bad and he is also sedated now, so he should feel fine."
"I hope you're right" Beca got up and kissed her on the lips "I really want to stay, but I have to go and fix this royal crap that woman got ourselves into with Beth. I'll check on the kids too, let them know everything is fine, okay?" Chloe nodded.
"Don't you need me there too? To talk with our lawyer?"
"I can deal with it alone baby, I wouldn't want our kid to wake up and not have mommies here, and you have already had a day rough enough. Stay here and rest, me and my horrible temper will go, fix this, and come straight back."
"Better not come straight" Chloe joked, and Beca smiled "I love you."
"I love you too" Beca kissed Noah again and walked towards the door. Then stopped to look at Aubrey "Stay with her?" Aubrey nodded.
"Sure."
Beca then ran to their lawyer's bureau where they should've meet with Madame Jenkinson, the woman who hurt Beth and her lawyer and the judge, an hour ago.
"Finally" the woman said when Beca arrived "We were about to go."
"Then stay, you denounced me first" Beca replied roughly "Your honor, I would like to talk to you in private about the reason I didn't came sooner. It's quite personal." Beca added looking at the judge, who nodded and got out of the room with her. They walked to another room more far away, where they could be alone "Your honor, one of my children, who's fourteen months old, his appendix burst and he just had surgery. I couldn't come before I knew he was going to be okay. My wife is with our son, and that's why she hasn't come, but I told her he shouldn't wake up and not find any of his mothers there. I'm sorry."
"It's okay, I'm a mother too" the judge smiled and pointed to the door "Shall we?"
Jenkinson explained her version of the story, Beca explained what she considered the version of the story, and both exposed their reasons to present official complaints against the other. Jenkinson denounced Beca for punching her, and Beca and her family denounced Jenkinson from hurting physically and psychologically their child plus trying to damage Beca's and Chloe's reputation, and insulting their family.
"Look" the judge started "Mrs. Jenkinson, your denounce has valuable reasons, but any jury in the world will see you as the bad guy after you insulted, hurt, and calumniated a six year old without a reason. As I see it, we can go to trial, but I think it will be worse for yourself than actually agreeing something here. I could send you to prison for a few weeks for this, you know?" she looked at Beca "Mrs. Mitchell, why don't you calmly meet with your wife, discuss some kind of compensation, or punishment, and we'll talk about this another day and choose an appropriate way to fix this without going to trial? Would that be okay?"
"Yes your honor" Beca nodded "I'll talk with my wife."
"But she punched me in the face!" the other woman argued "She's just going to go like that and I'm gonna go to prison? This is unfair, she's rich, she can save her ass perfectly fine!"
"Mrs. Jenkinson, what I intended to say is that you can perfectly well go to trial, but that the jury will even support Mrs. Mitchell's actions and won't want a punishment. The more you can get from this is a few dollars of compensation, a quite small quantity that won't be a problem for the Mitchells at all, but you'll still be punished. You hurt a child, what you did is inexcusable." The judge said, starting to get angry "We'll delay this meeting until further advice, when the Mitchells make a decision. Let's go home, we all have better things to do."
After checking that her other three children were fine and having fun with the Hannigans and taking a pajama for Noah, Beca went back to the hospital, where Noah had already woken up and was enjoying some food from his baby bottle while sitting on Chloe's lap, the IV carefully kept in its place. Beca explained everything to Chloe while sitting on the side of the bed contemplating her wife and child and stroking his hair, and then she helped Chloe change the boy into his pajamas with the help of another nurse to keep the IVs in place, and Aubrey left to pick the children up and take them to some cool place for lunch to spend a day with their favorite aunt, as Aubrey herself said.
"Wow, look at Mr. Reindeer, he has gotten big just like you!" Chloe smiled at their child, that was once again lying on his bed, while his mothers sat at both sides of the bed, and Chloe moved the reindeer in front of his eyes, and Noah tried to catch it "You know Mr. Reindeer is going to be quite busy in a few months, helping Santa carry the presents to everybody's houses?" Noah looked something between surprised and like he didn't understand a thing, and Beca smiled kissing his cheek.
"Mamma's right! But he'll still manage to make you company and play with you as much as you want, and he'll work while you're busy doing other things, like having a bath" Beca explained.
"Mmm!" Noah tried to speak.
"Noah" Beca smiled when the boy recognized his name and stared at her "Who am I?" she pointed at herself.
"Momma!" he said excitedly, happy to have an answer.
"Very good, I'm momma Beca. And you know who's she, right?" she pointed to Chloe, who smiled "She's mamma Chloe, and she loves you as much as I do, you know buddy? I bet you already knew that. Who's she, Noah?"
"Mamma!" Noah yelled excitedly, and Chloe's eyes burst into tears immediately. Beca grinned.
"Very good Noah, she's mamma! Oh, you're so clever Noah, so intelligent!" Beca encouraged him.
"Mamma! Momma! Mamma!" Noah giggled, and Chloe covered him in kisses, making him giggle more.
"First word momma, second fuck, and third mamma" Chloe commented a while later, when Noah had fallen asleep, and smiled looking at Beca "He's a Mitchell of pure lineage."
"He is" Beca grinned "What can I say? Our genetics is pretty strong." Beca was sitting on the armchair, hugging Chloe, who sat on her lap. Beca kissed her cheek.
"I like what we have here, Beca. What we've made" Chloe said suddenly.
"I do, too."
"I hate to think like this but, I… sometimes I'm thankful for Etton to come into your life. You know, only for a fragment of a second, and it always makes me feel worst than horrible" she added quickly when she saw Beca's face go pale "But if it wasn't for her, maybe we wouldn't have been together, maybe all of this wouldn't exist."
"But that's not true, Chlo" Beca said "I think a lot about what would've had happened if I had never known her, and you know what? I would have never had to feel the worst I've felt in my life, the blame, the guilt, the pain, the sadness, all of it. I would've never flown to Portland drugged up to not be in hysterics, I would've had ten Christmas and New Years and stuff with my mother and my mother's family. I would never be older than my older brother, this summer, I would've had celebrated my nephew's thirteenth birthday, I would never visit Portland's cemetery a bunch of times every year, I wouldn't have had such a big depression, and periods of it, or years of therapy, or the pain inside that even today sometimes comes, I wouldn't be almost the happiest person alive, but the happiest, without the almost. We were meant to be, we've always been, and we've probably started dating at some point, maybe after meeting again for New Year's or for Aubrey's and Jesse's birthdays, or they would've end up putting us together. Aubrey would have gotten pregnant in New York, we would've had our first time in some other place. Maybe it would've taken us longer, but sooner or later, we would've had this amazing family, and they would've been at our wedding, and my brother would've have been one of the groomsmen, and you would've gotten to meet all of them, and our family, and my mother would've been a grandma, and my brother an uncle, and my nephew would have had the cousins he always asked me when would they come" Beca shrugged and rubbed her eyes "I would have given anything Chlo, to go back in time and make things some other way, because I've loved you since the first day, and I know I could've gotten you anyway. Without having to think of the most hurtful words to talk about people I love so much but I was deprived of ever seeing or hearing again."
"I'm sorry Bec" Chloe kissed her "I'm sorry, you're right. I wish things would've been different too. I'm sorry."
"It's okay" Beca let Chloe surround her neck with her arms, and supported her head against her chest "I love you, I understand. Changing topics… I'd like your opinion about something."
"Sure."
"It's about Jesse. I know I shut everybody out when the car accident happened and I didn't mean to, I was just in need for loneliness. But I know it hurt Jesse specially that I never answered his calls and that I had you giving him excuses, he even got sick from helping me try to save them, he was the best, he is the best friend I could ever dream of, and I know I messed things up. We haven't spoken since Portland, and that's more than three weeks ago, and he didn't even come or anything. And I was thinking on calling him, telling him everything but… I think I would chicken out if I called him, that I wouldn't say everything I would like to, everything he deserves" Beca explained, and Chloe nodded "So I was thinking on writing him a long letter."
"I think it's a good idea. You can always call him around the time you think he has gotten the letter. You could ask Aubrey to text you when he reads the letter, and you could call him right after, just to make it more personal."
"Yeah, right?" Beca nodded "I should do that."
"Why don't you ask the nurse for some paper and a pen, say it's for Noah, and write it now? That way, you won't keep leaving it for later and then never doing it."
"You're right." Chloe stood and Beca went to get paper and pen. She made some space on Noah's nightstand, and sat on the side of the bed. She breathed deeply, she had never written him a letter, she had barely burst into talks about feelings and stuff with him, but she wanted to tell him everything. She wanted him to know everything she had ever want somebody to know, but hadn't said.
Dear Jesse:
I know I'm probably the last person you want to hear from, that I really messed things up with you, but here I am. I thought with a call I wouldn't get to tell you all I want to, so I went the old way. Firstly Jesse, I will never be able to thank you enough for doing what you did, jumping into that freezing cold water, helping me open that car, getting the girls out of there. I'm forever thankful for that. You really tried to help, to save them, and I know you're the only one who knows what the nightmares about that place are like, how that water was, or being inside of it, and I know you didn't only want to talk with me to try to help me again, but because you needed to talk about it with somebody who knew what you were talking about, or at least with your best friend, because some things, and I know that from experience, you can't talk about them with your wife. I know I didn't only shut you out, but gave you my back when you needed me the most. It hurts me to even think how bad must have been to be feeling what you were probably feeling, and knowing the only person who could understand won't even answer your texts. And I'm forever sorry for that, but I promise I will do whatever it takes, everything, to compensate how bad of a friend I've been. I don't usually say it, but you're like a brother to me, I love you to the moon and back, and I thank the heavens everyday for putting you into my life. You were the best boyfriend I could've ever dreamed of, and I'm so glad I still got to have you to be close to me, because you're one of the most important parts of my life.
I don't know what to say, Jesse. I just feel like saying sorry time after time, but I know that's for nothing, although if that's what you want, I will. I'll apologize until my last breath, you deserve it. I don't even have excuses. I felt… I felt like I had no good reason to keep going anymore, like I was so angry with life itself, and I was having the kind of thoughts of fuck it, I don't wanna be here anymore, what for? What for, if every single time sun shines, a freaking thunder changes my life forever and in the worst ways? I thought life shouldn't be about being thankful to be alive, and getting anxious every time the phone rings, even more if it's late at night, praying instantly that they aren't bad news, that everybody is safe and happy. Alive at least. I still get those thoughts sometimes, and the sadness, the anxiety, the feeling of culpability, everything. But one of the worst things I've been feeling, is the knowledge that you needed me and I wasn't there, when you have been beside me always, you even broke up with me to be there for me when I needed my best friend and nothing else, you've come to pick me up in the middle of the night so many times, you're my guardian angel if that exists. And my children, you love them so much, and you've taken such good care of them when I couldn't. I just shut you out because in one side, I didn't want to talk to anybody, and in another side, I knew I would cry the second I called you, and break down, and I don't know, I guess I don't even understand why but talking to you was something I wasn't feeling like doing at all, a thought that was ever unappealing at that time, and I'm sorry.
Aubrey told us you had been sick, I hope you're feeling much better now. She also said the twins are doing good with class and have a great bunch of friends, and that Catherine made her first best friend ever. Send them kisses from us, will you? And have a big one from me you too. I guess Aubrey told you the latest news around here, Elizabeth got pushed by a grown up woman, I punched said woman, she denounced us, we denounced her… today the judge asked us to think of a reasonable punishment, and I'm trying to decide if hanging her from her thumbs is reasonable enough. What does reasonable even mean, uh? Also, I discovered I was so traumatized I couldn't even go to the beach, but Chloe helped me get over that. And now, we're in the hospital, that seems to be our perfect place, and will soon be renamed Mitchell General Hospital. Noah was sick and a dumb doctor in Florida told us he had gastroenteritis, that was several days ago, and today Noah's appendix burst, and we discovered not only he had been having appendicitis, but that he had just lost it. He's battling some infection, but he's a Mitchell, he was born a warrior in the woods, right? So I trust he'll be fine, because if he isn't, I will die. I thought the scariest thing I would live with him would be his birth, but life is constantly making giving me the best jokes.
Don't be angry at me anymore, will you? Even if it's just because you feel sorry for me. I miss you. Although, if I think about it, I guess I have it deserved, right?
I love you.
Becs.
She had just folded the letter, when there was a knock at the door. Chloe gave whoever it was permission to come in, and Beca turned to see Aubrey coming in with a huge teddy bear, and behind her, there was Jesse himself.
