Ascendance
The transaction with Dressellian pirates went smoothly, and Kylo was leading Rey to the hangar where they docked their ship. He stole a glance at her from behind his shoulder. She hadn't complained – she never did – but he noticed she wasn't feeling well since they crashed on Eriadu.
"It's the fumes, the atmosphere," he cradled Benny in his arms, while Rey struggled to get out of bed. She threw the covers off, and shambled towards the sink.
"I'm fine."
"You're not. But we'll be out of here soon, I promise. You just take a look at the frigate and we're out of here in no time." And so they roved through the drydock and Kylo pressed the security code into the gadget. Rey paused, once he pulled down the covers. She pursed her lips, unable to speak – because what she saw made it all so much worse than just her painful headaches and constricted lungs.
"This… is the ship you got us?" She asked in disbelief.
"Yes," Kylo nodded, red spots flaring on his cheeks. "Nice, huh? I mean, it was cheap and all. It's not pretty, but it flies. And look," he hopped to the orange, rusty thingy. "I got us an astro droid to go with it." Kylo said, awaiting her appraisal. "Well?"
If he had a tail now, he would have wagged it like a dog. Rey just opened and closed her mouth a few times, unable to crush his giddiness like that. But she had no choice.
"This…is the ship you got us?" She turned, look of utter horror painted on her face.
"Uhm – yes. What's wrong with it?"
"Well – for starters, it's utter garbage. Second, it has no hyperdrive vindicator, so we can orbit this nice, poisonous planet and its moon, but that's about it. "Rey bent down, examining the undercarriage.
"What? No, they said… it has hyperdrive. It has to be there."
"Where?" She snorted and crossed her arms.
"Somewhere," he said sheepishly. Shit.
"I," Rey gave herself a thumbs up," am an expert on spacecraft, Kylo. I disassembled this AZ- 37 corvette model, lithe A class frigate as a ten year old. I think I can tell when a ship has or hasn't got a functional hyperdrive vindicator and this one," she patted the hull. "Does not. It's a large metal tube thingy missing from right under here."
Rey crouched and pointed at a grey area with several weakly attached bolts. "I mean, aside from the fact we're stranded here, I would laugh. You actually paid for this? Oh stars."
That red flare now reached his big ears. He would have taken a nice, long torture session with Snoke over this humiliation. He kicked an invisible pebble on the ground, just transferring weight from one foot to another. "I think you're exaggerating a bit. It can't be that bad. Let me take a look. " He tried to sneak under the ship and convince her that that invisible hyperdrive was not invisible; that it wasn't missing. But he couldn't even get under; he was so tall and clumsy.
"Ouch," she heard a dull thump because he bumped his head, and tried to sneak under another way.
Rey just threw her palms across her badly hidden laughter. Let him take a look? He said it as if he were the expert, but in fact, he was oblivious. Her face got so red, she felt like burning. "Uhm, Kylo – why the eff didn't you bring me to that meeting? One look and I would have told you all this before you paid. And before you rendered our escape route closed."
He somehow managed to get from under that ship, reorganizing his mussed hair. Oh yes, peacock, Rey bit her lip. He had screwed up, but gods forbid his hair didn't look good and him all tall and proud. She loved him… she loved this about him, these great bouts of insecurity where little Ben Solo Ren waited for scolding.
"Can someone fix it?" He attempted a business like tone. He would not let her rub this in.
"Yes, lucky for you, you're kinda married to one of the best mechanics in here so, I can fix it. But it will take time and new vindicator, and," she tapped her chin. "Now that I think of it, why not get us a new ship, it will be cheaper."
"Can't." He shook his head. "This one's a ghost. It's been written off as dead and unused, currently residing on Jakku junkyard, paper-wise. I will get you what you need, you fix it and let us just," He averted his eyes, unable to face Rey's twinkling, wistful stare. "Let us just leave this fucking nightmare behind us."
"Wise words, my dear husband." Rey patted his arm.
"You won't make fun of me, right?" He asked on their way out.
"Me?" Rey batted her eyelashes innocently. "Nooo, me? Never. Fun of what? You are one savvy businessman, Kylo. True ship merchant. "
"Stop it."
Her laughter echoed in the hollow hangar. "No, no you are. Very skilled in so many fields, you just have to be bad in one."
"Am not. And drop it, scavenger."
"Consider it dropped. Just like this ship should have been dropped on that junkyard ages ago." She hollered with laughter.
"You little minx," Kylo started tickling her sides, and Rey's echoes were dying out in the darkness of a closed storage.
So, Rey began working on their ship, while Kylo grew more restless each passing day. They should have been out of here weeks ago. This place… they should not linger so long. He had a bad feeling every time he peeked out of the window and saw a squadron of stormtroopers, now again back in the service of the republic, patrolling the streets. His eyes never shut for more than three hours at night, because he had felt something ominous brewing on the horizon; in the Force. He felt a presence of someone he couldn't bring himself to kill, his Knights. They wouldn't know how to get to him, though – he had cloaked himself in the Force. Still, he sensed it, that pervasive darkness and fear he had taught them to spread. If he had to guess, he would have said they weren't far, perhaps even in the same star system, and that scared him more than he showed.
His hands shook every time he opened that hangar for her, and let Rey work in the heinous part of town, where none of them were safe.
"You don't really have to come with me every day, you know." She was standing on the highest rung of the ladder, twisting a big wrench around an opened hatch.
Kylo was sprawled on a chair, his long legs parted and his fingers tapping on his thighs. "I don't mind. I wouldn't let you be here on your own."
"But I do mind, you're making me nervous." She murmured.
"What's that?"
"Nothing, nothing." Rey shut the tertiary circuit to the exhaust port of the vindicator. "And now, I have to attach this to the selenium centrifuge. Hmm, hand me the soldering gun."
Kylo drew himself up and passed her the tool. He had to flex his bicep to pick it up, so he could only imagine how Rey must have felt. But if she did, she never let it show. He sat back and just stared, admiring her even more. The way she creased her brows in utter concentration, the way she forgot she was balancing on an eight feet tall ladder, the way her hands fussed and worked like that of a skilled machine.
He admired her raw determination not to complain or bitch, just get things done and let them leave. He even learnt to trust that droid to take care of their son, while they tried to get the ship running. Eli would take him to the Eriadu pavilion, a special dome where one paid and could spend an afternoon in the oxygen gardens, breathing nice, fresh air. OK, maybe he semi-trusted the clunker, but still – he did it for Rey.
"How come I don't have to listen to your tirade today?" She had asked earlier, putting a little blue cap on Ben's head, tucking his hair under it gently.
"Tirade? What?"
Rey whispered. "About Eli, that she's taking him out again."
"I don't know," Kylo shrugged, leaning on the counter. "I guess I got used to it. It can be trusted, now." He watched the baby coo and chew on this special milky treat Rey got him. Kylo wouldn't tell her that he had reprogrammed droid's protocol to combat mode whenever attacked. He knew his son was in safe hands, not by some miraculous trust resolve, but because he had made damn sure that this domestic droid could kick anyone's ass.
"All right, that's it. I guess I'm done for the day," Rey sealed the hatch, making sure all the circuits were closed.
Kylo sprung up and held her hand, while she descended down the ladder. He looked at her. Her face was glistening of sweat and oil smudges, her lips were dry and hands blacker than a night in the asteroid belt. Damn, she looked hot. "You know," he wound his arms around her bum, grabbing her possessively. "I used to get all dirty like this as a kid. I would poke our droids and always disconnect their wiring, when no one was paying attention to me."
"Really?" Rey smiled. "How often did you get away with that?"
"A lot." He fixed his gaze above Rey's shoulder, into the wall. "People were rarely paying attention to me, and that went double for my parents."
Shit, shit, shit. Alarms in Rey's brain started shouting. What to do, what to do… Kylo never talked about his family or his childhood. In fact, he never talked about himself much. Rey knew the man she loved, and that was enough for her; but she would lie if she claimed she didn't want to know every little detail of his existence. So, when he opened up like this, she had no idea how to act or what to say.
"You don't have to say anything."
"Sorry," she looked on her shoes. "I forgot my thoughts are yours sometimes." Stupid Force bond.
"Everything yours is mine, all the time. And vice versa," he skimmed her jaw. He was about to kiss her, when a strange frequency in the air thrust them back to harsh reality.
Kylo immediately jumped back and pulled out a small, black, rectangular metal plate from his pocket. "Huh, my old tracker. It hasn't transmitted in months, I turned it off."
"Oh, believe me – I know." Rey said bitterly, recalling her mad fear for his safety on Cerea. "What's it say?"
He didn't speak. His profile got sharp. All of a sudden, Rey was reminded of the drenched man who had returned aboard the Finalizer that one night he had been killing villagers on Ahch-To. She saw it so vividly, she took a step back. His eyes daggered that com device, his free hand curled inwardly and a chill ran up Rey's spine.
"Run. Get out of here, Rey – you need to run!"
His voice got lost in the mist that had enclosed Rey. She had to close her eyes to regain composure. The Force… echoes and wails reverberated in the empty hangar. This felt like a mind probe. Someone, something was invading her head, and planting terror there as one plants a crop in the field. Those languid whispers stretched like molasses, saying things, terrible things to Rey… things about Kylo.
She gasped for air.
The earth shook, and she found herself in the middle of a battlefield, a sizzling fiery pit. The walls were trembling, TIE fighters and X wings roaring in the wind, blasting every rock, metal and body in their way. The bodies were being thrown high in the air, limbless, bleeding, broken and twisted in vulgar shapes of not a man, but an animal.
And in the middle of it all towered the masked beast. He was slashing corpses, left and right; his roar that of agony. Shadowtroopers flanked behind him, creating an impenetrable formation. And Kylo didn't spare a soul. Children, women, old and sick… just innocent civilians of Kitel Phard all fell down by the heat of his sword.
"Rey…" dark, deep whisper called her name. "Rey…" she covered her ears and fell down. Her knees hit glass shards, but then, she landed onto something soft; a torso without head or limbs.
Her scream cut the sky. No one heard it. No one could, when they all screamed for their lives, for their very souls. She saw him nearing her spot. He raised his lightsaber. "NO! Kylo, what are you doing! Stop, please, stop!"
He spun his head in her direction. Rey was barely breathing, choking on fear and cold tears. "Rey…" that unholy voice called to her once more. Kylo walked slowly towards her, and six shadows arose behind him; his Knights of Ren. And Rey saw nothing more, but felt her flesh being burnt by the plasma of his blade.
She opened her eyes, and a blade really hit her left arm.
And she screamed.
The hangar became her tomb; Rey fell on her knees, confused and hurting more than ever before in her life. She glanced on that shoulder – a vibroblade was jagged it in, and above her loomed a masked man dressed in black, one of those shadows from the vision. She couldn't defend herself even if she wasn't fossilized on the spot. She felt the fire burning, she felt her bone crack and tendons rip apart, she felt warm blood leaving her veins, and then…
Red blade swung and the head of Knight of Ren rolled down on the hangar floor. She fell alongside with it. Kylo did something with her, or shouted something… she didn't care. He suddenly became horizontal, since she slumped down on the ground, unable to just be.
She was dying.
She knew.
Rey didn't see three other corpses he had slain in that hangar. She didn't see Kylo's bloodied hand and limp. She didn't see or feel anything, because she was no more. She fought her last remnants of consciousness to picture her son's face. She couldn't even do that. The pain consumed her whole, and another voice, gentle one, whispered to her.
"Let go, Rey. Feel the Force; feel it in your heart. The Force will guide you, my beloved granddaughter. These are your last steps."
So she did, harnessing that luminous matter which permeated the galaxy; the one where the beauty of the stars paled and then, the Force did set her free.
…
If she should guess, Rey would have said she was dead. It certainly felt like it. But she wasn't. She heard and saw the most bizarre images in the Force. She fell deep into a dark chasm. There was no light, no air, no sun shining on her face.
She heard mechanical breathing, a contraption which pumped oxygen into the lungs of someone sheathed in the armor far darker and greater than that of Kylo Ren. Darth Vader, yes, she recognized him. Those breaths rattled like death. Then, she saw two young men fight on the lava planet. The heat was unbearable. One loved the other, but they brought death onto their own.
And then, she saw more blood spilled than she'd ever imagined possible. Rey walked beautiful night halls, and mourned. She became a mourner for the entire Galaxy; for those giant, red dwarves which exploded after billions of years of existence. She wept for the stars that hadn't been born yet. She wept for her baby and Kylo – but then, she felt as if they were just small dust specks on the canvas of universe.
And Kylo saw it all.
He was holding her good hand, while the rest of her lay submerged in the bacta tank. He wouldn't let go. Silver chain was stuck between their joint hands, the jappor snippet hanging from it. Kylo would glance at it, counting all the scratches and ridges of that token. P&A was no more; instead, their initials shone new in the olden wood, larger B and R coiled around it. Kylo watched her chest rise and fall, here and there tightening his grip on her, or shifting their palms when his hand started cramping.
One strand of hair on his temple grayed. His nose would bleed occasionally, his mouth parched and his vision blackened. But he didn't care. As long as he held that hand, he directed the life essence from him to her in the Force.
"I should have killed them all before. I should have killed them." He kept saying. "I took pity on them. Never again. Mercy," he wiped cold sweat from his forehead.
A healer passed their ward and bit her lip. Kylo glared at the woman and she scurried away. Once, only once they dared to tell him he was pale and looked like death and that perhaps he "needed rest." Only once. Never again, after he had dealt with them.
"Mercy… I've shown them mercy because I loved them as brothers, Rey. If you saw under masks… arhgh," he gripped her palm harder. Nausea surged through him, but he kept going. "I won't let go. We did this once before, remember? You came back. You will come back again. It's my fault, Rey."
"Sir, you really should have that cut looked at. It's not looking good." Senior healer dressed in robes so white they blinded Kylo spoke. "Your friend is in good care, Mister Walker. It looks like she's going to pull through, and may not even lose that arm. Huh," healer touched her plasma screen. "That is surprising, but I guess our medical facility provides the best-"
"She will not lose it because I am helping her, you fucking prick." Kylo yelled. He didn't give a shit if anyone knew or not. "Get out of here. Leave us be."
He spent three days and nights over Rey's limp form. He saw his son only through the glass panel dividing the ward from the guest area. "Do not worry, Master Ren. Young Master Solo is in good hands. I take care of him just as well as Missis would. I do feel sad for her. I have no feelings, but my protocol functions out of the ordinary ever since she got injured. All will be well, Sir. All will be well." Eli patted Kylo on his arm, the one not squeezing Rey's hand.
"Thanks," he muttered. "Thank you. I mean it." He raised his eyes and addressed the droid as equal, for the first time ever. Hard to insult someone who is keeping your child alive. After those seventy hours, he could give no more. He was so spent, that he collapsed on top of her bacta tank; the staff unable to move him anywhere.
She began recuperating, but the healers kept her in an induced coma to accelerate the healing. Kylo went home after four days. He forgot who and where they were. Just as he was unlocking their room, his weary eyes rested on a poster on the wall. It glossed, freshly glued.
ATTENTION CITIZENS.
"The New republican Senate has issued a creed to capture all war criminals and fugitives of the disassembled First Order. The bounties on their capture and safe return to the hands of the law are as follow. We urge the citizens not to inflict any harm on these men who must be held accountable for their crimes against you, the good people of the galaxy, and the New Republic."
Kylo tore it off and quickly closed the door. His name shone among the first ones on the list, right after several Grand Admirals of the Order Starfleet, and Supreme Leader Snoke.
He saw a face of his mother behind it. "Treacherous swine!" Kylo tore the poster into miniature pieces, fighting with it till it rained across the floor. "Bitch, stupid… how can you do that? To your own son!" he stomped on those shredded bits. "You call yourself a mother?" He kicked the bed. He surged at that dilapidated rocking chair and threw it into the wall, hitting it with such intensity, bits of plaster fell off.
This was too much.
He felt a wound open, in his heart, in the Force.
He began crying.
Kylo slumped on the floor and cried. He fucked it all up. If he hadn't come back… if he only brushed those scratches on the willow, saw the outline of Rey in the window and turned back, none of this would have happened. No, that wasn't it. If he had only committed to the First Order fully, he would have fought harder and won. No, there was more. If the Order hadn't lost, she would have been safe with him on the Interdictor, and the baby would fall asleep watching the stars with his mother, rather than crying in the droid's arms, choked on the gaseous atmosphere.
He bent his long legs and cried into his knees, soaking the pants. Hard, man's sobs shamed him. His weak limbs and splitting pain inside shamed him. When he cried as a child, Chewie always found him hidden in the Falcon. That warm fur and kind face would console him, hot, boy's tears falling into it. There was no one to dry man's tears, though.
He found something and then, he lost it.
Ever since he met her, it was a constant cycle of fleeting happiness, and profound sorrow. She felt like a moth in his palm. Let loose, and she will fly away. Close it too tight and break her wings. And now, there were two moths, and Kylo had no idea what to do, where to go… who to turn to. He had taken orders from Snoke his entire life. What does one do, where he has no one to follow, but people he loves depend on following him? He was alone, in the dark, shaking as he tried to still his sobs. Tears had dried up hours ago. Only pain presided over him.
"I don't know what to do, father." He pulled out a miniature dice from his wallet. He had kept it all those long years, this dice from the Falcon which they used to play dejarik. He called to Han, perhaps the only one who ever loved him, before Rey. "I don't know. I am sorry. I tried to be merciful and look what happened. I should have killed them all… but I didn't," he wiped his nose into his sleeve.
"I can't come back to the light, I can't. Mother won't let me. I will never be good enough, I can't come back. I can only fight, more, harder." He said through his stuffed sinuses.
"I'm sorry, dad. I'm sorry." He wept for that inconsequential smuggler, rolling the dice between his knuckles. He regretted killing him – there and then, in the filthy, abandoned chamber, all alone in the world. All the misery and guilt hit him at once. He would never see him again. Han Solo didn't have the Force, he wouldn't come back as a ghost, ever. And Ben Solo realized this, not Kylo Ren.
He closed his eyes on that dirty floor, brought the dice to his chest, and the Force did set him free.
Sharp, morning sun hit his eyes, peeking through the tattered blinds. Kylo blinked, trying to evade the direct hit. He rolled on the floor where he had fallen asleep. Rey wasn't there. Only the droid, watching over small bundle in white sprawled in the middle of that massive bed. Kylo immediately jumped to his feet. The taste of acetone dominated his mouth, and he couldn't stand looking at light. His head and muscles ached like crazy.
"Benny, come here." He picked him up and couldn't help but stare kindly at the droid. "I haven't heard you come in. Did he, uhm… did he sleep? Is he fed?"
Eli's translucent eyes shone yellow and she moved her arms mechanically. "Yes, Sir. Young Master has everything he needs. He did cry, but you slept so hard I feared you were actually deceased, Sir."
Pang of guilt washed over Kylo. He had crumbled last night, and that was all and well, but he forgot he didn't just mourn his wife. He had a son now, a responsibility that came in front of anything. He sat on bed and took the bottle from Eli. "Come on, Ben," Kylo tried to force it into his firmly pressed mouth.
The pout was killing him… Rey's pout. And Rey's eyes were looking at him, even if the shape was his. Kylo saw so much behind them, that he almost heard her patronizing voice. "No, Kylo – you have angled it wrong. He won't drink like adults, you have to... ugh there, let me show you."
"Yes, this is exactly what your mom would say, isn't it?" He repositioned the bottle, but the baby just smacked his lips, and refused to suck.
"Come on, Ben, please. You have to help me here. I don't know how to do this."Kylo sighed, so weary, feeling sorry for himself. It was a pitiful sight to behold, indeed. One young, beaten man gained more than he had bargained for in little over a year. He wanted to rule the galaxy, subdue people, conquer planets. What of it, now?
"Oh, good boy, you're such a good boy." Kylo kissed the top of his head, as Ben finally decided to drink. He sighed in relief over this small victory. Why did it feel better than conquering that planet; more important than subduing the galaxy?
Kylo wrestled with those impossibly tiny clothes Rey always got him in with such ease. "Hold still, ugh, now this goes…" he scratched his head."Here?" He tried to roll up a sleeve of something that was supposed to be a shirt, only shrunk and it didn't go over head, at all.
He got sweaty and flustered, fuming all over. He tried folding and unfolding those little pieces of nothing. "Why does this not go over head?" He asked so seriously, that Rey would have mocked him for ages, if she were there.
If she were there…. Kylo wiped his eyes. They stung of yesterday's sorrow and today's frustration.
Baby Ben watched him with a pensive look on his face, as if he tried to commiserate with this fight of a century. He stuck his little legs up, kicking them in the air. "This bit, this dangly bit goes first," he was trying to direct his daddy, the name he learnt in his head when he thought about this guy. But the guy was clueless.
Kylo gently pushed the legs down. Ben stuck them up again, gurgling. He joined his mini heels together, and the diaper was now in Kylo's face. "Aaargh!" He tossed the onesie on the floor. He raked through his greasy, damp hair. "Mother of… droid! Come here!"
They managed to get out of the house in only an hour. "How sad," Kylo thought when Ben sprung to life once they entered the medi bay. "You sense your mom in the Force, don't you. You want her. Don't worry, we'll be there in a minute."
She was reclined on a regular medi bed. Her bad arm was wrapped in a triage, tucked under white gown. "Can we?" Kylo peeked inside. "Can we come in?"
Rey nodded.
He was about to hand her the baby automatically, but then caught himself. So, he slouched on a small chair and sat Benny on his lap, supporting him with one arm. Rey said nothing. She looked at them and attempted a smile that wouldn't come. This wasn't a cause for celebration. Her survival meant nothing. Something broke, something tangible breathed down their neck now, that she had seen what he had done; what he really was.
Kylo knew it. He said nothing as well. They were just sitting there, in dead, cold silence. Only the machines and ticking clock disturbed it; and the baby who didn't seem to be fazed by anything. He gurgled and whimpered, occasionally grabbing Kylo's sleeve and played with it. Rey took in Kylo's state. She had never seen him looking worse than that. He wore his leather pants and T-shirt with a jacket on it, all black, all contrasting with his pale visage.
Kylo took a deep, forced breath. "How are you feeling?"
"Better."
"Does it hurt?"
"Yes."
Ben drooled on Kylo and he took out a handkerchief and wiped his chin. "I tried to get him that suck thing you did, but I couldn't find it."
"It's in my bag with wheels. How is he?" Rey asked.
"Fine."
"Really? What's he wearing? Who put him in that?"
"I did. I mean, I tried." He squirmed in the chair. "The patent is impossible, let me tell you."
Rey lifted her torso more, to see. "It's a onesie, Kylo. It has buttons between his legs, where the diaper goes. You put it from the bottom, up."
"Oh," he said and put on the most interested grimace he could muster. "Good to know."
Baby Ben gyrated his head a bit, looking at his dad in I told you so fashion, thinking, "I was sticking bits to you, you didn't get it. "
That diffused the tension, both of them felt it. Rey beckoned with her good hand. Kylo shuffled the chair closer; scraping it loudly on the floor. He could touch her now, feel her. But it was Rey who brushed his hair softly. "Your hair is gray, my love."
His lips quivered. She called him that… she called him my love, even after he had almost gotten her killed; after she had seen him in the Force vision his knights had planted in her head. She didn't want him gone. She didn't curse him or sent him away. She didn't immediately snatch his son and screamed, just to get away from the murderer.
"Whe-?" His voice broke. He gulped hard.
"Here," Rey's eyes welled up. She cupped his cheek. "This entire strand; it's white. It looks fine, though. You're still dashing."Both of them chuckled through tears. Ben followed, mimicking the laughter of his parents.
"I'm sorry." His couldn't find words, couldn't let them out. He spoke through silent tears.
"I know. It's all right."
"It's not. But it will be. I promise, Rey," he took her palm and kissed it. "It will be fine, we'll be fine. The minute you're free to go, we're taking whatever ship we can and we're out of here. I don't care. I will get you to safety."
"Don't you need a ghost ship?"
"Fuck that. I don't give a rat's ass. We're out of here on whatever ship we can."
Rey pursed her lips. "Don't say f-word in front of Ben. He's too smart, he will remember it."
"He is smart, isn't he? I mean, he basically dressed himself this morning, I had no clue what I was doing, Rey."
"Did you kill them? Those men?" Rey swept the soft waves of her son absentmindedly.
"Yes. I don't know how they found me, maybe through the Force. Although how, is a mystery for me. They're weak Force users. I mean… they were; nothing special, just untrained, young men; my friends, once. They wanted revenge."
"They got one." She sighed.
"Not on me. They saw you, they went right after you first. I couldn't hold them off on my own, I wasn't fast enough. You went down; they tortured you in the Force. It's a technique, it's…" He stopped talking when her face got paler and paler. "Are you in pain?"
"Yes," she cried through gritted teeth, fighting with all she got. "I just feel it again," Rey shut her eyes tight. She was shaking, hitching her breath on purpose not to scream. "The blade…" she let out the smallest shout she could, gripping the sheets.
"Healer!" Kylo handed the baby to some mundane face. "Take him."
"What? Sir, the patient clearly needs my help, medical assistance, new bacta-"
"You will take my son and get out," he waved his hand in front of the flabbergasted healer. "I have a droid waiting outside, you will be with the baby until I come back." She obeyed, her stare got vacant and she took Ben and started baby-talking to him.
Kylo quickly jumped into bed with Rey and held her. "It's all right. It's phantom pain, Rey. They suffused the blade with dark artifacts, it's an ancient dark side ritual; it takes ashes of your enemies to do it."
She collapsed into him. She gripped his strong arms so hard, she drew blood. He felt nothing, only her shaking, petite body. "It feels real, it's real. It hurts, Kylo make it stop." Her entire chemise drenched with sweat; her muscles began twitching and he had to clasp her harder than he'd wished to prevent her from hurting herself. "Please, please," she was begging as if he could alleviate it.
He would sell his soul to be able to, but he couldn't. He had devised that technique under Snoke's tutelage, he knew of it. Only the bearer of the wound could harness the strength to oppose it.
He held her tight. "It's not real, Rey. Shhh, it will pass. You can fight it, in the Force. It's not real… keep telling yourself that it's not real."
She was crying, hard and long. Her maddening sobs killed him. She let out a wail, then a shuddery, deep breath. No pain could ever compare to this, not that of bombing on Corellia, not that of childbirth either. Every new one stabbed him deeper. Every tear twisted the knife in him. In that moment, he regretted killing the Knights in the hangar. He shouldn't have let them off so easy. He directed all energy he had left to soothing her, once again. She would wake up in these bouts of lucidity, where she'd press her forehead on his wrist.
"Kylo," she whimpered.
He enclosed his palm around her jaw, letting her feel his pulse. Somehow, this calmed her. "I'm here. You're fine, Rey. It's not real, babe."
"It's…not, it's not real," she repeated dazedly, and half-passed out again.
When the ache peaked, she writhed in the sheets in complete silence. That was when he knew what he had to do. Hearing Rey through their bond, praying to the Force it would kill her; that was the last drop.
"Babe, Rey, I'm here. I'm with you and we can get through this. It's not real," he kissed her temple and didn't let go. Oh, how prophetic that the person he loved the most in the world was now suffering from the torture he had devised. If he had only known…
"I want to die," she whispered.
"Shhh, I love you. Rey, it's not real. I'm here." His eyes opened automatically. He was so tired, so drained of energy, but when she stirred, he was right there, whispering and kissing her again.
She loved her son, and Kylo fancied himself to be loved somewhere along those lines, too. What pain must have possessed her, when she prayed to be taken away from them? The dark side... she was feeling it to the full extent. She couldn't control it, she wouldn't succumb to it. Kylo knew. He felt it, that nightmare he had been living for decade with Snoke. One never felt pure again. Only when he met Rey, he felt whole and maybe on the way to healing.
It took hours to get her to sleep; but Kylo knew she had passed out of pain; not sailed on the cloud to peaceful slumber.
Here lay two broken souls, tangled together. He kissed her feverish temple, holding her close. "This isn't worth it." He whispered into her matted hair. She smelled of iron. "We need help. I need help. I can't do this."
Kylo left her only to take care of the baby; and this cycle continued for two more excruciating, long weeks. When the young couple finally boarded that ship, a pair of two old souls had ascended up the trap door. But it was an ascendance. They made it out of this nightmare. They didn't lie to each other about what they had gotten themselves into. Rey's hand regained full mobility, only thanks to Kylo's Force healing. He saved her once again; but she would get these bouts of occasional pain. Long, ribbed scar trailed across her shoulder, but that was the least of her sorrows.
His hair though, that one gray strand didn't go away. Rey loved it, more so as a constant reminder what he'd sacrificed for her. They boarded the ship with two small bags, Benny tucked in his mommy's arms, and Eli, who never heard herself be called 'clunker' again from her tempestuous Master.
"Beep, bip bop, beep," orange R2-63 astro mech beeped, as he clicked into the outer cockpit of the shuttle.
"Hold on standby, R2. Setting the coordinates for the hyper propulsion drive." Rey spoke from the pilot's seat. She looked at Kylo. "Where to?"
He slumped on the co-pilot's seat and turned several levers up, clicking the gear with ease. "There's only one place we can go now."
"Are you sure?"
"We have no other choice. Either he'll kill me, or send us all away, but we have to try this. We've run out of options."
"Ready, then?" She put her hand on the big clutch, starting the hyperdrive.
Kylo enclosed it in his larger palm. "Ready." Together, they pushed it and the rattling ship carried them through millions of stars to their only hope.
A/N This was so hard... ugh. Not an easy writing at all, emotionally wise. They were at the lowest point. Running from everyone, hunted and struggling with one's own demons isn't easy. Thank you for reading and comments, lovely folks :) P.S I really felt for Kylo here, as in, the entire path he had been building for himself for years has led him only to hell. Thank the fucking stars for Rey and the baby, I tell ya.
