"Should have let you fall and lose it all/ So maybe you can remember yourself/ Can't keep believing, we're only deceiving ourselves/ And I'm sick of the lie and you're too late.""Call Me When You're Sober" by Evanescence

She hated these nights. Nights spent picking Nate up from a bar because he was too drunk to even manage calling a taxi. She was tempted more than once to leave him on his own, but when she thought that he might have driven himself to the bar, she worried that he would decide to drive back home. She couldn't let him take that kind of risk, and besides, as much as she hated that she had to get him, at least she knew he was safe at home.

It wouldn't be so awful if he was an angry drunk, or if he kept silent. No, those were always the times when he would lean too close and tell her that she was beautiful. That he wanted her. That he loved her. And the words ripped into her and tore her open until it took every last ounce of her strength to keep from breaking down. He didn't mean any of it because he never remembered it in the morning. Didn't remember that he sometimes pinned her to the wall and kissed her until she melted against him, so close to surrendering but always managing to push him away. Didn't remember that one time when he had told her that he loved her and wanted to marry her.

The inevitable phone had come. Now he was slumped over her dashboard because he had managed to unbuckle his seatbelt once they reached his apartment, but he couldn't sit up under his own strength. She sighed and got out of the car, walking around it and pulling most of his weight onto her shoulder to help him out of the seat.

He pitched forward, almost dragging her to the ground. "Thanks, Soph."

She grimaced; she really wasn't cut out for this kind of heavy lifting. "Yeah. Come on, Nate. Let's get you inside."

He stumbled along beside her into the apartment building, and when they cleared the elevator, she propped him against the wall, retreating to the opposite side of the small space. No reason to be too close; too much of a temptation. He rolled his head around on his neck, staring at her with heavy-lidded eyes. She looked down at the floor and pretended she didn't hear him shuffling his way along the wall until he was wedged in the corner beside her, his hand reaching out to grasp her arm.

She turned her head to give him a disapproving look. "What is it, Nate?"

His grip tightened as he shifted and leaned forward, actually, more falling forward. She let out a rush of breath when his chest landed against hers, effectively holding her against the wall. She glanced at the changing numbers. Five more floors before they reached his apartment. His lips drifted across her neck; she shivered and almost closed her eyes before snapping them back open. She could smell the whiskey on his breath, and his stubble burned against her skin as his hands lifted to her hips. He tilted his head and kissed her, his mouth warm and inviting against hers. He traced his tongue along her bottom lip, and she opened her mouth to allow him access. She couldn't keep from gasping as his tongue slid across hers. The doors to the elevator opened with a ding, and he broke the kiss off, distracted.

She used the moment to her advantage and pushed against his chest enough to wiggle out from between him and the wall. He still wasn't able to walk on his own, so she wrapped an arm securely around his waist and led him out of the elevator. Once they were inside his apartment, she took him to his bedroom and let him fall onto the bed.

As she turned to leave, he asked quietly, "Stay with me?"

She faced him and shrank away from his wide blue eyes, innocent even while bloodshot. "No."

"Why not?"

"Because…" she let her voice trail off when he reached a hand out for her, pleading. She shook her head. "Because you won't want me in the morning. And that's when it matters."

"But, I…" She cut him off.

"Don't say it. You don't mean any of it." She walked to the doorway, pausing when her hand was on the doorknob. He was still staring at her, and she almost went back to him. She sighed. "I love you, Nate. You're a damned bastard, but I do."

She didn't stay to hear his response even though she caught the sound of him murmuring something joined with her name as she closed the door. She leaned against the hard wood, hands clenched into tight fists. Tears slipped out of the edges of her eyes; she turned her face to the side and let her cheek rest against the coolness of the wood, the salty water on her skin leaving a dark mark behind as she walked away.