Disclaimer: Everyone's going to have to forgive me for placing some of today's music (not really today's some is from the seventies, some from the nineties) back into the timeline of this story, but I just don't like 80s music all that much. Sorry. Also, songs do not belong to me. I'm not a musician, maybe an artist when I feel like drawing, but I'm so not good with music. My brain isn't wired for notes.
Gumby
Chapter 29: Stairway To Heaven
The following day, Severus paused as he stood outside of Samara's room and looked towards the door, which for the first time since she was there, which was three days thus far, was closed. Though he was sure she must close it at night when she went to sleep. However, during the day he'd never seen it closed. He stared at the door for a long moment and could swear that she'd placed muffliato on the room as well as he was quite sure that her room was far too quiet. Furrowing his brow, he wondered what she was doing and why all of a sudden she'd decided that she'd wanted privacy after all. It was strange, but after breakfast she'd spent the whole day so far in her room with the door closed and wondered if she was all right.
The previous day, Samara had spent it reading in the living room, it was hard to notice she was hardly in the house at all as he'd spent most of the day reading in the room with her. She was very quiet and hardly looked up at all from her book. Severus wondered how it was that she could concentrate so well. He was having a hard time himself, but he guessed that was simply because she was in the room with him. The only breaks they took from reading was to eat.
Just before meal times she usually scurried into the kitchen to make food, and he had to admit that her idea about buying food was pretty good. Now they were eating real food and Severus could hardly remember very many occasions in which he'd eaten half so well while outside of Hogwarts and he never enjoyed Hogwarts meals half as much as he did Samara's. He guessed that had a lot to do with the fact that he knew that Samara went through some trouble to make food and he couldn't help but notice it was really just for him as Samara didn't eat very much.
However, he was getting off point. He was trying to look through the previous day to see if something was wrong with Samara or a reason as to why so far today she'd spent the whole day in her room. After she'd made breakfast that morning, she'd excused herself and ran up the stairs. Severus had assumed that she'd gone to her room, but he wasn't sure. She reappeared shortly before lunch and afterwards it was a repeat of that morning. She excused herself and ran up the stairs. Though, he noticed that her appetite had been a bit abnormal during lunch. She seemed to need more than usual and he had to wonder if it had been solely because she'd skipped breakfast.
Severus stared at her door and wondered what on earth she was doing. However, as he turned to walk away, the door opened and he felt Samara bump into him as she'd been rushing out of the room. Severus turned around and saw the surprised look spreading over Samara's face as she looked up at him but smiled. His gaze slowly wandered from her to her room, where there was an odd metallic box-looking thing on top of her trunk. He didn't pay it much mind as he immediately looked down into Samara's eyes.
"Hello Professor Snape," she said in greeting to him. Severus raised a brow; he didn't know why she said hello to him whenever she saw him. They were practically living together, it wasn't necessary for her to say hello to him every time she saw him, which really was only during mealtimes, strangely enough. It would've infuriated him or in the least vexed him greatly every time she did so, if he didn't find it so damn cute of her.
"Have you cast Muffliato?" Severus asked after a moment.
"Yes, sorry about that I just supposed that the music would disturb you," Samara replied as she looked up into his eyes with an apologetic smile.
"Music?" Severus asked as he stared down at her. Samara smiled as she turned around and motioned for him to follow her. Severus hesitantly followed her into the room and watched her as she headed towards the box-shaped thing with buttons and pressed down. Immediately he heard some very loud music assaulting his ears and furrowed his brow, wondering how this could be called music.
All Severus was all too sure was that he constantly heard someone saying 'Now testify', in a shouting kind of way accompanied with what he assumed was a guitar, drums and bass. He turned to look at Samara who was staring at him with a smile on her face as the song steadily came to an end. "The band is called Rage Against the Machine and the song is called Testify," Samara said while shrugging her shoulders.
"You call that music?" Severus asked as he stared at her, hardly noticing that another song had started to play as it was a low guitar with perhaps some light flute playing for about a minute or so. Samara merely crossed her arms over her chest and he noticed that she was wearing a grey t-shirt that had an emblem of some sort on it with the word Aerosmith, written across in a funky font.
"What do you listen to than?" she asked as she looked over at him, smiling as she teased him, amused that he was criticizing her music. In the background, neither one paid much mind to the soft singing of a male voice.
"I don't listen to music," he replied as he looked over at her. It was mainly true. He hated wizarding music and he'd never really bothered to listen to muggle music of any kind. At the most, all he'd ever really heard was classical music, which he actually kind of liked as he found it somewhat soothing. Though he guessed it was a stigma of youth to listen to music that either angered older generations or scared them.
"How is that possible?" Samara asked, dropping her arms and looking at him confused. She didn't know anyone that didn't listen to music. Even Professor Dumbledore was known to listen to music. She'd once shown him a song by the Lemon Pipers called 'Green Tambourine' and he seemed to like the song very much. She smiled at the memory of Dumbledore swaying his head to the music as he closed his eyes, she couldn't stop giggling to herself at the time, which was during her first year.
Severus shrugged his thin shoulders in response. "I've never bothered to waste my time with it," he replied as he looked at her. She raised a brow at this. Still neither one noticed how the song that was still playing was steadily escalating as the guitar playing became slightly louder and more pronounced.
"It's not a waste of time. You can listen to music while you read, or cook or clean or do anything. Although, men aren't known for their multi-tasking skills so never mind," she replied as she looked over at him, smiling. Severus glared over at her, despite the fact that he knew that she was only teasing him. However, he didn't say anything and wondered why not. Why did he always allow her to get away with that?
Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run there's still time to change the road you're on. "What is this?" Severus suddenly asked as he caught the lyrics and realized that they were still listening to her music.
"Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin," she responded simply as he continued to listen to it. Strangely enough, he didn't mind this song. There was singing in it, but he supposed it was much more understandable then what they were previously listening to. However, what really got to him was the way they combined the rhythm of the drums so harmoniously with the soothing sound of the guitars melody.
Together, they both listened in silence as the song continued, paying careful attention to the lyrics and music as they interwove with each other so perfectly and came to it's slow mournful end, in a way that was almost painful with it's beauty. "That was much better," Severus commented as he looked over at her. Samara smiled a she looked over at him. However, before she could say anything another song started, one that did not seem to fit in at all with the previous songs at all and that wasn't only because it was a woman singing.
I will not make, the same mistakes that you did. I will not let myself, cause my heart so much misery. I will not break the way you did, you fell so hard. I learned the hard way, not to let it go that far, it was a girl that he noted had a pretty strong voice and was accompanied by only a piano, at first. Severus turned to look at Samara and could see that she was staring at the box, as if somewhat surprised by the song, like she hadn't expected it to come up.
Because of you I never strayed too far from the sidewalk, because of you I learned to play on the safe-side so that I don't get hurt, because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me, Because of you I am afraid, Severus turned to look at Samara, who was speaking at the same time as he guessed was the chorus. "I don't really know why I keep this song, it's not really my kind of music," she said with a shrug as she looked at him.
I lose my way, and it's not too long before you point it out. I cannot cry, because I know that's weakness in your eyes. I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh, everyday of my life. My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with, Samara made a move to stop the music, but Severus stopped her hand as the chorus started up again and causing Samara to turn to look up at him. He stared down into her hazel eyes as they stared up at him in mild surprise but with a small amount of pain.
It seemed to him, that with every passing moment that there was a little more to the song and why Samara liked it than she liked to let on. For some reason or other, it felt like the girl who sang in the song, was actually talking about Samara, or rather what she never dared to say about her mother or about herself either. I watched you die, I heard you cry every night in your sleep. I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me. You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your pain. And now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing.
"Samara?" Severus said softly as he stared down into her eyes and saw them filling with tears as she shook her head as if she knew what he was thinking.
"She tried her best. She tried to protect me from the tears and all the blood and pain, she never wanted me to see or know about it, she even used muffliato," Samara said as she brought her fist to her eyes and tried to rub out the tears. Severus reached out and grabbed her wrists and slowly pulled her hands away from her face, causing her to look up at him pleadingly, like as if she were asking him to drop it, to let her hold onto the only thing that allowed her to keep smiling.
Severus stared down into her eyes. "But she didn't always remember to use it, did she?" he asked as he looked down at her. The tears spilled over and she looked down at her feet as she shook her head a bit, while the chorus continued on behind their conversation.
"Not when he was around. When she couldn't drag him off to the bedroom, and seal the noise inside. I couldn't do anything to help her those times, and he … I was never enough for him. He never wanted me, he always disapproved and when I was younger and he made me cry he would laugh and say I was weak," she said as she stared at her feet, her voice soft to keep the pain out of it. He supposed that she related the second verse of the song to her father, whom was the first man to walk out of her life and break her heart.
Reaching out, Severus pulled Samara into a hug and she wrapped her arms around his middle as she buried her face in his shoulder. He couldn't hear her crying, but he could feel the tears begin to soak through his robes and feel the damp cloth on his skin and he knew that she was shaking with the pain that she felt and carried with her for years. Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything. Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in. Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because its empty. Because of you I am Afraid. Because of you.
Severus wondered if that bit at the end was true as the music died down. Did Samara feel that her life was empty? Severus thought about it and thought how she really didn't have anything and back to what she'd said when she told him that she didn't have anyone. He guessed that it was sort of true, but now that he thought about it he had to say that it was because Samara didn't really want anyone in her life. She hadn't tried very hard to make friends in her seven years at Hogwarts and she definitely did not try to retain the friends that she did have. Had Samara purposefully alienated herself from the world because she didn't want to get hurt?
However, he wondered how that could be true when she was one of the sweetest and friendliest of people he had ever met. Which gives her a good cover, a voice in his head chimed in. After all, who's going to suspect a seemingly well-adjusted, happy-looking kid of having trust issues? And he had to say that this was very true, considering that he didn't think anyone really knew anything about her family. Except perhaps Dumbledore, for he hadn't seemed too surprised to hear that she'd been kicked out of her house.
But Dumbledore didn't count, as the man knew everything about everything as it was. Severus guessed that he was the only person that Samara had willingly offered up this information to. He didn't think that she'd ever told anyone else about her mother and her abusive father and the first time she'd told him about her family, she'd downplayed her mother's weakness, and her father's treatment of her.
However, he supposed that was so that he wouldn't be worried as much about her and so that he wouldn't feel any pity for her. He'd done the same thing with Lily, he'd told her that all his parents ever did was fight verbally and that his father hated everything. He'd never told her that his father was a violent brute that had hated him more than anything else that ever existed and the reason he'd omitted those fine details was because he didn't want to taint her life. He'd never wanted to make her feel anymore pity for him than she already did and guessed that Samara was merely doing the same thing with him.
He sighed, feeling his heart heavy as he stroked Samara's head. He supposed that Samara was very good at hiding all the pain that she had to carry all her life within her. As he held onto her, unable to say anything and burying his face in her soft hair, he wondered if smiling at the world made her life feel easier to her and less empty than it was. "Professor Snape, I'm sorry," Samara said as she pulled away and wiped the tears from her eyes and looked up at him and smiled bashfully.
"Samara, am I the only one you've ever told any of this to?" he asked as he stared at her. Samara merely nodded in response to this. He stared at her in mild confusion, his brows knitted together. "Why?" he asked as he stared at her, wanting to understand this. She smiled at this as she continued to try and wipe away the tears from her face.
"I don't have any real friends to trust, I can't tell any of the other Professors without feeling that they wouldn't understand or… become too worried, or pity me too much. I suppose I just… actually feel that I can trust you and feel that you… understand me," Samara said tentatively as she shrugged and looked down at her feet. Severus merely nodded at this as he stared down at her.
"My father was a lot like yours," Severus said as he pulled away and sat down on the edge of her bed. He didn't know why he was telling her this, he knew that he really shouldn't because she was still his student, but he felt hat if she trusted him enough to tell him things that she couldn't tell anyone else, then he should extend to her the same courtesy. Besides, he knew that anything that he'd tell her would not go beyond this moment. He looked up at her to see that she was gazing at him intently. "He was a muggle as well and unfortunately, he was always around, but he treated me and my mother like we were garbage too."
"Was your mum a witch?" Samara asked as she sat down almost timidly next to him. Severus glared down at his feet at this and nodded.
"A pureblood, nonetheless. She was absolutely weak, even to try and protect me," Severus said as he looked over at Samara. Samara's mouth twitched for a moment as she looked down at her lap and as he watched her for a moment, he understood why she didn't hate her mum.
"That's why I don't blame her," Samara said. Severus stared at her intently. "She honestly did try to protect me, the only thing she could never do was turn him away. I suppose it was because she loved him so much, so much more than she could love herself. But it scared me a little, to see that you could love someone so much that you could allow yourself to live with such pain for it or become so weak and stupid because of it. I've never given anyone my heart before, I've never trusted anyone with it. I don't even trust myself with it, seeing the pain I've allowed inflicted on myself for such fickle things."
"What do you mean before?" Severus suddenly asked. Samara turned to look at him and smiled.
"You know I've given it to you already, that night you looked into Erised," she replied as she looked into his eyes. Severus gulped whatever was stuck in his throat and stared into her in confusion. Samara smiled as she looked at him. "You're wondering why, aren't you? Well you have never hurt me; you've always watched and protected me like no one in my life has ever before. Trust me when I say my heart is much safer with you than it is with me. Its numb while with me and all I ever do is mutilate it to feel something."
Severus stared at her for a long moment. He wanted to tell her that she was wrong in giving him her heart, that he was only going to break it somehow, no matter how much he didn't want to. However, she seemed to see what he was thinking and merely raised a finger to his lips and shook her head. "Don't say it. I know what you would say, but I don't care to hear it," Samara said softly as she looked at him. "You have to take the bad with the good too," she said, smiling up into his eyes.
He didn't know if it was because they were sitting so close together on her bed, or because his mind had gone horribly blank and all he heard was the music the kid was singing in the background, You're mine, your lips belong to me, yes they belong to me, for eternity… but for some reason he had the urge to place a kiss on her lips. Every other thought escaped him and the voice in his head telling him that he was going to regret it later was muffled, like Severus was suffocating it by placing a pillow over it. Thus, he silenced any objections that his mind came up with as he leaned in and placed a kiss on her wonderfully soft lips.
Gently he ran his lips over hers, relishing in the feel of how gentle and delicate her lips felt and how they made his blood rush and heart to beat faster than he imagined possible. Gently, he cupped her face in his hand as he moved his mouth against hers, glad that she was responding to him in much the same way. She too seemed to be savoring every slow passing second as they sensually moved their lips against each other, feeling that this had to be a dream and it wouldn't be long before they were woken from it.
And of course, neither one of them was wrong. Almost as soon as the song that had inspired him to make his move was over, they jumped apart in freight as the next song came on. Samara cursed in her head the day that she'd decided to keep BYOB by System of a Down, which happened to have a jolting start if you didn't know it was coming on and was on high volume. She stared into his flushed face and she was sure that hers was just as flushed and paid no mind to it. However, she felt the smile that had graced her heart as well as her face slipping away as she watched the change come over his face and watched him as he stood up.
Samara sighed unhappily as she looked down at her lap and held out her hand to stop him from speaking just as he was about to say something. "Don't worry about it Professor Snape. I suppose we can pretend this didn't happen either," she said as she smiled up at him, even though her heart was crying out. Severus looked at her gratefully and nodded as he headed towards the door. "Professor Snape," she called out after him, causing him to turn around. "But you will be mine," she said as she smiled over at him, with a determination in her strengthening her voice that scared the hell out of him. She didn't state it as though it was a promise, but more like a fact. Severus merely turned around and walked out without saying anything as he closed the door behind himself with a snap. When the hell was Dumbledore going to find Aurora?
TBC…
A/N: Well hope that everyone liked this chapter. Please leave a review! Oh yeah and the last song, the one that inspired the kiss was Richy Valens' "We Belong Together".
