Chapter 29
I woke up when Nova did, her bony elbow digging into my side as she squirmed to get up. Sometime during our nap, I had curled onto my side, keeping her in the cradle of my arms.
"Lemme go." Nova grunted, squirming to get free.
"Sorry," I yawned and rubbed my eyes, feeling the telling grittiness of dried tears. "How are you feeling?" I kept my voice soft, not wanting to set her off again. Nova faced me, her small round face solemn.
"Will you find my daddy for me?" Her small voice was serious and I sat up, looking at her. "He left me and I want him back." There was determination in her voice and it broke me.
"I'll find him, sweetheart. Don't you worry about that." My smile was soft and she beamed up at me, flinging her arms happily around my middle before bouncing off the bed and out the door. I stared after her, stunned anew at the resilience of children. She was undoubtedly still going to feel the pain of losing her mother but little Nova was already on the path to healing.
I crawled out of the bed and took a moment to fuss over my appearance, dreading going out and facing Eric. He hadn't seen me so vulnerable since the day Josh and Taylor died. I didn't normally do vulnerable all that well. Or at all, really.
I took a deep breath and straightened my shoulders, striding out the bedroom, making sure to shut the door behind me.
The large playing area was once again filled with children and I grinned when I spotted Nova right in the thick of it. I don't know how kids do it but I'm glad they can move on so quickly. It didn't feel right to see so much pain and heartbreak in such a young kids eyes. I kept moving, scanning the room to see if I spotted Raven, Doc or Eric.
Dodging a few kids, I eventually found the three of them.
Eric was on his tablet, an intensely focused look on his face. I ignored the small leap of my heart in my chest and looked at Raven. She was beaming, talking animatedly to another expecting mother. With a small jolt, I realized it was the redhead Eric had slept with during my time as an initiate. She kept shooting him uncertain looks and an ugly feeling grew in my stomach.
He ignored her, not once looking up once from his tablet.
Doc was a little way apart from them, checking up on a kid with a scrape on their knee. I walked towards Raven, not wanting to see Eric first after the whole Nova thing. I checked my tablet, absently sliding in beside Raven and listening with half an ear as she continued talking to the lady. It was nearly an hour after Nova had her breakdown.
No wonder I didn't feel all that rested.
"You okay?" Raven asked me lowly and I nodded, tucking my tablet away.
"I gotta leave soon, Izayah needs some help with something for my BBT rooms." I said, ignoring the look of concern in her eyes.
"I can wrap this up if you need me to." Raven offered but I could see the reluctance in her eyes and shook my head.
"Nah, you stay and keep talking. I need to get my stuff done and this is important for you." I smiled. "You're going to be having your kid soon, you need to do this." I hesitated before awkwardly reaching out and gently shoving her shoulder. "I'll see you later." I turned and walked away, forcing myself to keep my stride nice and even.
Eric had tucked his tablet away and had his brawny arms crossed, his head cocked to the side as he watched me. I met his gaze evenly and cocked an eyebrow at him, daring him to comment on anything. After a moment, he flashed a smile and moved forward, falling into step with me and sliding one arm around my shoulders, roughly tugging me into his side. I pulled back for a second but he didn't give, shooting me a cocked brow.
There was a question in his eyes: why shouldn't he be allowed to touch me in an innocent way?
After a pause, I sighed and rolled my eyes, melting into his side, more than a little startled at how easy and natural it felt to be slotted against him. It shouldn't feel this good…right?
~Battle-Scars~
"What was your mother like?"
The question came quietly as we traversed the dark hallways. I had to force myself to keep calm and relaxed, my first reaction to tense up and spit out something harsh and biting. Eric was walking beside me, his head cocked to the side and his gunmetal stare focused entirely on me. I shifted my gaze forward, breathing quick, shallow breaths.
I don't talk about my mother.
Ever.
Not even with Jett.
I haven't spoken about her since I found the file on her. I showed Jett the file, poured my tears out on his shoulders and never spoke about her again, even when he pried. I just ignored his questions and comments until he eventually gave up. That is the one case in my entire life where I either haven't been able to or haven't wanted to talk about something with Jett.
"She was a mother." My reply was short and deceptively calm. Eric wouldn't take the hint. He kept his gaze sharp on me, a silent, insistent question in his eyes. "What more do you want?" There was a defensive note in my voice and I inwardly cursed myself for it.
"I want you to open up to me- and not just in the bedroom." There was something sharp in his voice and I slid my gaze to the side, eyeing him up.
"This isn't something I talk about, Eric. I don't like to discuss the subject of my mother." My tone brooks no arguments but still, he persisted.
"Not with anyone other than Jethro, right?" There was the barest hint of a snarl in his voice and I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Stop." I kept my head high as he spun, anger sparking brightly in his eyes. "You don't know what you are talking about, Eric."
"Then fucking tell me!" His voice rose to a shout. I refused to show anything. I just stood tall and gazed at him with a blank look. He stared at me and stalked a few steps closer. "Just talk to me, Paz." He was pleading.
Where did my big, bad, brute go?
I want him back.
"I don't talk about my mother with anyone. Not even Jett. She's off limits for everyone. Including you." I hesitated to say something more but as soon as he heard me say I didn't talk about my mother with Jett, the tension melted out of his shoulders. "Eric," I began solemnly, stepping closer to him. He hesitated and jerked his head back, eyeing me warily. "You can't get so defensive at the thought of Jett." I said firmly and he scoffed.
"Yeah fucking right. He's the competition." He looked so petulant that it startled me at first. Then I laughed and he tensed up, anger flashing across his face.
"Jett isn't competition. Not, at least, in the way that you are thinking about." Amusement colored my tone and he cocked a blonde eyebrow. "I'm not in love with Jett." I stated confidently. "It's true, I do love him but loving someone and being in love with them are two entirely different things."
"How do you know? Have you ever been in love with someone before?" Eric asked. He looked apprehensive and I paused before slowly shaking my head.
"No, Eric. I haven't been in love with anyone before." There was a long pause before I spoke again. "Why do you think I've been running from you for so long?" Tension sprung up between us as he snapped to attention, his body tense as he stared at me. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not in love with you Eric…but the way you manage to knock down my defenses…I get scared that one day I could be." I felt the heat flooding my face.
I don't normally blush or feel embarrassed but I don't feel comfortable with this topic. I don't feel comfortable being this vulnerable.
When the silence had dragged on long enough, I risked a look up. Eric was looking at me with this bright look in his eyes. He looked ridiculously pleased and I cast wildly for a subject change. Something to take the attention away from me.
"What about you? Have you ever been in love?" I could see the exact moment all his defenses slid into place.
"…yes." His voice was cold, icy and hard. I was surprised for half a second that I couldn't see frost coating his breath.
"What happened?" I asked, watching him intently. I didn't have any clue of a viable rival for Eric's attentions or I wouldn't have been running from him for so long. Competition usually kicks my ass into gear quicker than if I realized on my own time.
"She fell in love with my best friend. They were seeing each other behind my back for over year before I overheard someone talking about them and how blind I must be to not see it. I couldn't get the conversation out of my mind and I asked her if it was true. I didn't think it was but she had frozen, a look of dread and relief in her eyes. I realized in that moment that not only was it true but she was glad I had figured it out so she could dump me and live happily ever after with him." Eric was tense.
I didn't see any pain but that didn't mean anything.
With scars like that, they never go away…you just have to get better at hiding them.
"Is she still living on the compound?" I asked and he shook his head silently.
"She's part of the group that lives along the Wall, keeping guard in the permanent outposts." His voice was quiet and I nodded, starting to walk about. After a pause, he caught up and settled into a walk beside me.
We were quiet the whole way back, each of us lost in our thoughts of the past…and the people who remained in it.
~Battle-Scars~
Two hours later found me underneath my giant jeep. The rusted hunk of metal hadn't been messed with since I'd left Initiation. A part of me was dumbly amused by how Jett hadn't let anyone mess with my pet project. I didn't know how long it was going to take to fix it but I didn't really care. I let myself fall into the soothing repetitive actions of taking something apart.
The pile of parts coming out of the Jeep was stacked neatly on the desk a few feet away.
No one else came close to me, respecting the distance I was keeping from them. I saw the same haunted look lingering in my eyes in a few of theirs and I understood. Some people use this as a therapy because sometimes something else is the only thing that can be fixed. Not many people chose to fix a vehicle but that's okay. I prefer fewer people around when I'm working anyway.
I blinked, feeling a drip of grease on my forehead.
My right arm was burning, not used to the amount of force I was using to get this linchpin out. I managed to get the flathead screwdriver in it and tugged, slowly wiggling it free, my other hand up to make sure nothing dropped down on my head. A small grin of achievement lit up my face when the pin popped out.
I rolled out from under the jeep, setting the piece down on the desk.
"I'm surprised I found you here." The cool, composed voice belonging to the one and only Jeanine Matthews made me freeze. How? What? Holy- I firmly cut off my thoughts and finished setting down my tools, picking up a black stained rag and turning to the door, calmly wiping my hands off.
"Hello Jeanine." My voice was calm, reflecting none of the turbulent emotions I was currently feeling. Her cool blue eyes swept the room, a curl of derision on her mouth. I followed her gaze, seeing the organized chaos, hunks of metal and broken-down vehicles strewn all over. I felt no shame, this is a place I feel completely and utterly comfortable in. It amused me a little to see her discomfort.
It gave me a little bit of an edge on her.
"Pazia," Jeanine acknowledged me with my previous name. Irritation sparked in my chest but I didn't comment on it.
"Is this a personal visit or should I go and fetch one of my leaders?" I leaned back against the desk, certain I look calm and confident. Jeanine cocks her head to the side, her cold gaze raking over me.
"No. I came here to speak with Eric and someone pointed me this way. They seemed to believe he would be with...you." There was a definite sneer on her mouth but it didn't faze me. People I held in higher respect didn't like my relationship with the blonde leader. If I didn't change my choices and my decisions based on them, there was no way in hell I was going to change my decisions based on Jeanine's opinions.
"He's not. Eric went to the Torture Chambers for a little while. If he's not there anymore then I don't know where he is." I informed her, my gaze drifting past her and settling on her brunette body guard. "I wouldn't touch that if I were you." I spoke directly to him, dismissing Jeanine casually. "It's still hot." He was about to touch a hydraulic brake booster.
"Interesting." He commented in a monotone voice, stepping back behind Jeanine's left shoulder and resuming the countenance of a statue. I shifted my gaze back to Jeanine, her eyes an impenetrable wall of ice.
"Do you need directions?" I questioned with a hint of snark when they failed to leave the room.
"I actually wished to speak with you, now that you are alone." Jeanine's smile was razor sharp and I was struck with the feeling that she was about to flip my world upside down.
"What about?" I really didn't want to indulge her but I know my previous Faction leader. She's not going to leave until she spews whatever venom she has hidden in her fangs.
"How much do you know about Divergents?"
~Battle-Scars~
Silence built in the room, feeding off my confusion and her smug attitude. Her facial expression hadn't changed but I could sense the smug air around her. Jeanine could tell I had no clue where this subject was going and delighted in her superior knowledge in this area. Yep, she's Erudite to her core.
"Why are you asking me about Divergents?" I kept my voice calm but strove to keep the confusion out of it.
"This is an extremely important topic to me," Jeanine said, slowly walking closer.
"Why?" I asked bluntly and a hint of distaste flashed across her ice-blue eyes at my attitude. She pulled her tablet from the slender back her assistant was holding. Her elegant fingers typed something out on the screen and she made herself busy pulling up whatever information she wanted me to see. I lifted my gaze to her assistant, catching him curiously eyeing a few of the power tools laid out on the other half of my desk.
He jumped guiltily when he spotted me watching him and obediently locked his gaze on Jeanine, not shifting his eyes anywhere else.
"Read this." Jeanine pulled my attention away from her assistant when she held the tablet out. She clearly didn't expect me to disobey and the petulant side of me that rebelled for the sake of rebelling wanted to say no but my curious side won out. I reached out and accepted the tablet, looking down at the screen.
There was a long note by Jeanine.
Divergents.
What do we truly know about them? Absolutely nothing. They are dangerous. Our Factions were created for a reason because we cannot live peacefully and in full harmony when one holds the traits of all the Factions. It creates unrest and civil wars when we are more than just intelligent, brave, selfless, honest or peaceful. When these traits are combined into a single person, we can no longer handle our every impulse or dangerous thought.
Divergents are dangerous in part because they do not see how dangerous they are to our very way of life.
Below are some brain scans on what a single member of each Faction looks like and then scans of a Divergent whose identity shall not be disclosed at this time. I urge you to continue with an open mind so that you may see the truth of my words.
I scrolled down, seeing the brain scan of each Faction. They looked similar, with one section of the brain lit up in brilliant color while the rest was lit but dimmer. The lit portion was the most active part of the brain, honesty for Candor, peace from Amity, bravery for Dauntless, selflessness for Abnegation and Erudite was lit up the most, several areas almost reaching the brightness of the main portion.
Then I saw the brain of a Divergent.
At first, I couldn't understand what I was looking at. It was confusing to see after just looking at the brain scans of someone split into a Faction. The difference between those brain scans and this one...it was the difference between night and day. The brain scan of a Divergent was absolutely stunning, it wasn't just bright in one or a few sections. The entire brain was lit up in brilliant colors, active on all levels.
I had frozen in shock and awe.
This...this was incredible!
I suddenly felt jealous of a Divergent. What would it be like to see the world like they do? I felt suddenly inadequate. I had always wondered if there was a true difference between us and Divergents. I'm not divergent but I can feel peaceful, selfless, intelligent, honest and brave. I hadn't understood the difference between myself and them. Now I do and I feel completely and utterly small in comparison.
I scrolled through the brain scans, feeling my scientific curiosity stirring.
How would a Divergent react to being put in Dauntless? Would I even know if a Divergent was in my Faction? If they can blend in how am I supposed to know when one is with us?
A sudden flush of cold fear swept through me.
Divergents are unpredictable. They can be dangerous because they don't fit in, they don't do what we expect them to do.
Caution kept me from freaking out. Just because they are different doesn't make them dangerous. How we handle them and how they react...that's what's dangerous. I finished scrolling through the pictures and silently handed back the tablet, my mind whirling and blue eyes distant. This information doesn't really change my life but it does make me curious. I want to know more but I know information doesn't come free with Jeanine.
She wants something.
"What about it?" I asked, fixing my cobalt gaze on hers. She nodded calmly.
"Do you want to know more?" Her voice was smooth and I got the unsettling feeling I was reacting exactly as she predicted.
"I-" I paused. I really do want to know more but this doesn't have anything to do with me. The reasons for her showing me this information are a mystery to me. Don't I need to know why she showed them to me at least? "Why did you show me that?" I asked, jerking my chin in the direction of the tablet. A thin smile spread across her mouth, completely devoid of emotion.
I blinked, eyeing her cautiously. She was creepy as hell.
"If you wish to know more or even just the reason why I showed this to you, come to Erudite tomorrow afternoon at 2. I will be waiting. If you do not show up...I'll know you aren't the one I'm looking for." She turned to leave and shock unfroze me.
"What does that mean?" I blurted out, taking a step after her. Confusion twisted my face, raking through me. Did...did she think I was Divergent? If she did, didn't that mean she thought of me as dangerous? As the enemy? If that was the case then why was she leaving? Why wasn't she trying to have me arrested for crimes against the Factions?
Jeanine paused at the door and turned to me, the creepy smile gone from her face.
"If you really want to find out, you know when and where to go. I look forward to seeing you soon, Pazia." She gave a condescending nod and left, her assistant quick on her heels. I briefly entertained the idea of chasing after her but didn't feel like dealing with the looks of my Faction. Most of them still haven't accepted my claim as Dauntless Leader in Training. The ones that do have to work closely with me for several weeks before they came close to respecting me.
Sometimes it's draining, trying to prove myself as worthy when I already know I am.
New thoughts, doubts, and fears clouded my mind as I slowly got back to work on my jeep.
~Battle-Scars~
"You okay?" Ellie's sapphire eyes were curious and slightly worried. I nodded silently, chewing on a tasteless mouthful of my burger. She eyed me, sharing a worried look with Raven, Tabby, Misty, and Violette. Emily, Sasha, and Izzy are still in line having come back from their work late. The guys are off somewhere just hanging out and Eric is at the Leader's table.
I can feel his blue gaze locked on my back but there's no defiance in me not turning around. The simple explanation is I can't think straight when I'm around him. He's too distracting, too consuming. He's all I can focus on and right now I don't need the distraction.
"I have an idea," Raven announced with a hint of excitement. One of her hands was curled lovingly around the newly showing baby bump. Has it really been around four months since I started my Leader in Training? It must if her body's just now starting to show signs of her pregnancy. I avert my eyes, aware that I'm bordering on staring at her.
"What is it?" I asked when it became apparent no one was saying anything because they all wanted me to ask. I shot Ellie a questioning glance. She flashed a bright, cheerful, excited grin and I shifted my gaze warily around my circle of female friends, suddenly wary about where the missing members were. There was a plot afoot here and I was clearly going to be the victim of it. "Where...are the guys?" I asked warily and Izzy snorted, sliding into the seat on the other side of Ellie.
"Don't worry. The plan doesn't include them." She said with a teasing sneer.
"We want it to be just us girls," Sasha added, plopping down across from me and happily digging into her fries. I wrinkled my nose when I saw her cheerfully douse her fries in ketchup.
"Why are we friends again?" I asked, looking mournfully at her poor fries.
"Huh?" She blinked blankly at me, not getting the reason behind my question. I cast a pointed look at her fries and then mine. I had a pool of ketchup to the side of my salted fries verses her fries drowning in the red sauce.
"How can you eat your fries like that?" I questioned, picking up one of mine and daintily dipping it in the ketchup before eating it with relish.
"Diverting much?" She replied sassily, scooping up some of her drenched fries and dropping them in the middle of my golden pile. I stared down at them wordlessly, unable to form a sentence.
"I..." I gazed down at them, bewildered. The action had caught me off guard. I looked up at her and around the table helplessly. "You...my fries!" I whined, pouting down at my plate with wide eyes. As a whole, the group burst into laughter, leaning on each other to stay up or risk toppling like Izzy. She landed on the floor, shaking with peals of laughter, eyes flashing happily. Sasha and Ellie were curled over each other, laughing so hard their faces were turning red and their laughter was going silent.
Almost against my will, amusement unfurled gently in my chest, a warm glow of happiness and love as I watched my sisters.
My mouth twitched and almost before I knew it, I was laughing with them, unable to help the force shaking my body. I cocked my head to the side, my laughter escaping as small giggles before exploding into full-blown merriment. I rocked to the side, my arms flailing out wide and a loud yelp bursting out of my when I slipped, tumbling down off the bench. The sudden change had me disoriented before I registered the low throb in my back from colliding with the ground. We paused for a second before laughing harder than before.
I curled into myself, shaking with the strength of my mirth, tears blurring my sight. I giggled into my arms, laying helplessly in the same spot. Moving would require control of my body and I have none at the moment.
A good minute passed with us laughing, a low throb of a forming headache announcing its arrival behind my eyes. I huffed for air, desperately trying to calm myself down, my abs throbbing with overuse. I struggled to sit up, the lot of us still giggling quietly. I pulled myself up and plopped down on the bench, my eyes meeting Raven's and sending us into small peals of laughter again.
"Okay, okay. Stop!" Emily huffed, wiping tears away from her eyes, the cinnamon of her eyes sparkling bright.
"Someone, quick!" Raven gasped for air. "Distract us." There was a laughing plead in her voice that triggered the lot of us into helpless giggles again. It was another good five minutes before we calmed down again.
"That was your fault!" Emily declared, pointing a stern finger at Raven, who shrugged helplessly with a grin. I bumped my shoulder with mine and she winked, her grin broadening as we focused our attention on the rest of the group.
"So, who's gonna tell her?" Raven asked the group. Izzy's hand shot in the air, nearly clipping Violette, whose face froze into a comical look of horror as her hair ruffled in the breeze Izzy's hand had created. This time, there was no pause before we exploded into laughter.
"Stop! Stop! Please?" Misty gasped out, through giggles. I could hardly breathe, too busy choking out small giggles and trying to calm myself down. It was a lot more difficult than it sounded. Once we got ourselves riled up, it was harder than I would've thought to calm ourselves down. Her eyes were glossy with happy tears and deep inside it warmed me to see my friends so happy. It's been a while since we've just chilled and had fun like this.
"Okay, okay, I'll tell her." Izzy sucked in a deep breath to calm down and turned to me, amber eyes still warm with lingering laughter. I tried to quiet down my small giggles as I met her gaze. Her mouth twitched and she hastily averted her eyes before talking. I couldn't help the small snort that escaped me, knowing she had to look away before she started laughing again. "Remember a few nights ago when we were drinking after the long day?" Izzy asked and I cocked my head to the side curiously.
"Okay?"
"Well, I may or may not have stumbled across something totally awesome that I have to show you tonight!" She finished her sentence in a scrambled rush that left me silent for a few moments while I struggled to decipher it. I cocked my head to the side, my brow furrowed as my gaze went distant for a second before clearing.
"Okay."
My response was simple and it seemed to stun them. The whole table remained silent as they exchanged uncertain looks among themselves. I struggled to hold back the twitch of my amusement, reaching out and plucking up a fry, steadily eating around the red-stained mess she had dropped on my plate.
"Um...great," Izzy said slowly, suspicious of me giving in so easily.
"Great!" I echoed cheerfully, curiosity forming in my eyes.
"You want her to tell you, just admit it," Tabby stated calmly, a knowing smirk on her full mouth. I shrugged, focusing my cobalt gaze on Izzy, who froze like a mouse caught by the piercing stare of a hawk.
"Izzy?" My voice was soft; cajoling. She held strong, glancing around the table at the rest of our friends. To my surprise, someone else cracked.
"It'sapool! Shefoundapool!" Misty was so excited she was bouncing in her seat. I cracked a grin, unscrambling her words in my head.
"A pool?" Excitement stirred to life in my chest, helped along by fond memories of swimming in the lakes at Amity with Jett when we were younger. I hadn't been swimming for a good three years and it was a pastime I sorely missed. "I'm game!" I announced, surging to my feet.
"Not now!" Raven's call was exasperated. I grinned sheepishly over at her, shrugging and slowly sitting back down.
"What did you expect me to do when you told me this? I'm gonna be all hyped up for the rest of the night now!" I complained, pouting morosely down at my plate of suddenly unappetizing food.
"Well, first of all, you have to get rid of Sargeant Stuck-up over there before we can do anything. This is supposed to be a girls night, not tag-along Suzie." Izzy's gaze was more than a little hostile when she glanced pointedly over my shoulder at Eric. She still hadn't entirely forgiven him for taking my attention away from them so completely after Initiation. Though to be fair, it wasn't all his fault...she just didn't see it that way.
"Fine." Once again, I gave in easily, eager to do anything to keep her happy tonight. I had missed the one-on-one time we'd had as just girls. Eric could sleep alone for the night. He didn't need me there.
I ignored the part of me that was repeating that I wanted him to be there. I could live without him for the night.
"Hey," I slid into the seat beside Eric, nodding around the table at Max, Sienna, Conner and- completely disregarding Angel. She ignored me right back and I shrugged, not in the mood to needle her. "So, I'm gonna be busy with the girls tonight," I snagged a few of his fries, lightly salting them and dipping them in ketchup. "-and it's gonna be an all-night thing. They're probably gonna crash in my room or we'll be in one of theirs." I popped the fries in my mouth, humming happily over the salty, delicious flavor of the fries.
"Great." His voice was sour and I glanced over to see him moodily glaring down at his plate. I almost choked on my fries, laughter caught in my throat. He...was pouting. It was adorable. A grin threatened to overtake my face and it was slowly but surely winning. "What?" He snapped at me, lifting his gaze to mine and spotting the grin.
"Awww..." I cooed, nuzzling his cheek. "You're gonna miss me!" I flashed a bright grin, pressing a quick kiss on his startled mouth. "Don't worry, brute...I'll miss you too." I nuzzled his cheek before withdrawing, stealing another fry before striding away, unable to help the small skip in my step.
My brute.
